Chapter Two

Lettuce, cottage cheese, cucumbers, and sunflower seeds. This has seemed to be my lunch every day this year. I guess being the only vegetarian in the entire Necedah High School, that makes our lunch menu not so vegetarian friendly. I look at the trays of the girls around me. For being pretty, skinny, jock girls, they sure as hell do eat a lot. I didn't mind though, because out of eight girls at least one of them got fries and at least half of us girls ate them. It's good to know that us girls have a good, hearty, appetite rather then starving ourselves. I guess you could say that I grew up a lot from how I use to be. Looking back on my past I couldn't believe everything that I had gone through, whether it was at my fault or someone else's. In a way, I was proud of the young women that I had turned out to be. Even if it wasn't true, I felt more mature then any girl around me. After coming to this realization, life started getting a little easier. Moods between my girlfriends were once again changing as we started hanging out again. My cousin Sammy had started working at K-mart some previous months before late December. She just as easily clung on to the habit of flirting with all of the good looking guys that worked there, which, let me clearly state, that there wasn't that many. I began to grow tired of hiding my affection for Nate. We flirted continuously. In a way, all I ever thought he would be was just some eye candy that kept me busy and happy at work. After all, I didn't have his number and I didn't go to the same school as him, so it's not like we would just randomly see each other outside of work. I was ok with it, like I said, my feelings hadn't really changed and I was still not ready to trust someone again. 

                After getting home from a fun-filled day of flirting with Nate at work, I saw that I had an e-mail from no one other then Nate. As soon as I saw his name I smiled, remembering how earlier that week I had slipped and fell on my ass right in front of him. He of course laughed at me, but I laughed too. Remembering how numb my ass went but also how painless I felt when I heard his laugh and saw his smile. We continued to e-mail each other back and forth for a couple of weeks. They were harmless and silly e-mails, but I remember how excited I got when he told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. I was even more excited when he left his cell number at the end of one letter. I wanted to text him that instant and say something goofy like “Hey hotty, what are you wearing!” only for the simple fact that he didn't have my number and he would probably be wondering who it was. But as I sat there I found my self thinking. He gave me his number, does this mean that he likes me? Is he a typical guy that I have tried so hard to protect my heart from? What would I say if he asked me out? Wait, am I considering dating this guy? The next day I finally convinced my self to say hey during school. After days of texting all throughout the day, I got up the nerve to invite him to a school basketball game with some friends. This was our first time hanging out outside of work.

“Oh my gosh, Gabbie, what do I wear! Do you have any cute shirts cause I don't think I like this one…” I was creating a hurricane at a friend's house. I was rummaging through cloths trying to find the perfect outfit to wear. You know, something sexy but not slutty.

“Seriously, you look great in that, you do not need to change again! We are going to be late for the game and if that happens you will never even get to see Nate.”

“Oh, shit, good point. Ok, so this is good? Yea, it's good, let's go.” I grabbed my purse and ran out the door.

I never thought I would be so nervous. Nate was going to meet Gabbie and me in the front of the school. Honestly, I didn't know what to think. I was scared that this would just be some awkward thing. I mean, I didn't know what to say or what to talk about. It was late December and very cold. I was bundled up in a sweater and a jacket. I could feel that my nose was red and runny and I could see my short breaths disappear in front of my face. Finally, after what felt like hours, I saw his car. I suddenly didn't feel cold anymore and I wanted to quick run and find a mirror before he saw me, but I knew that was ridiculous thinking. I tried to keep my cool when I saw him, thinking of all the times that I embarrassed myself in front of him at work. I'm sure he already knows how big of a klutz and a loser I am. As he saw me standing there he waved at me and smiled. I returned the jester.

“Hurry up it's cold out here!” I shouted as he started to run toward me. Neither of us said a word until we got inside the school and we could finally breath warm air again.

“Yea, you're telling me its cold. My car doesn't have heat, feel my hands!” he said as he held his hands up against my cheeks. His hands were rough, definitely working hands, but in a way, they felt soft against my skin and they held my face gently. Like he said though, his hands were FREEZING and after five seconds I squirmed out of his reach. After rubbing our arms trying to get the heat back in our bodies, we walked through my high school and towards the gymnasium. I spotted Gabbie in the crowd and made my way to where she was sitting. I was relieved that it didn't take long for Nate and me to start up a conversation. We laughed and made fun of some of the people sitting on the other side of the bleachers. Soon, Gabbie joined in with us and before I knew it the game was over. I was surprised at how much fun I had with him and even found myself inviting him to the next game. It didn't feel quite right if I would have invited him over to my house so soon. We walked outside together and Gabbie told me that she would meet me by the car. We stood there for a few minutes and talked about the fun we had. I wasn't sure still what he thought of me, or what I thought of him, so I made sure to keep my distance so he didn't get any ideas. He was beginning to make fun of my big red cheeks and cherry nose before Gabbie honked the horn indicating that it was time to go. We didn't hug or shake hands or anything (thankfully), we just waved goodbye and headed our separate ways.

It was another week until the next game. Surprisingly, I didn't scare Nate off because he text me as soon as he got home that night. At school, I found myself talking about him a lot. Am I really willing to date someone who is younger then me? We have talked about college and our goals for the future. Did I really want to start another relationship when I will be leaving that fall? Was I ready for a relationship? Was he? I asked so many people all of these questions, of course, no could give me answers to any of them. But I suppose, I expected that. I have never been good at figuring out things on my own though and I really, really did not want to get hurt again. Nate was from Illinois, so even though I had family and friends who went to the same school as he did, no one really knew too much about him. On one hand, he kind of seemed like a player, but on the other, he seemed soft and kind. I knew that I couldn't make plans to go out with him because he would be in Illinois for the next 3 weekends. It made me sad, but also relieved to think that I had three weeks to figure out what was going on.

The next week I felt more comfortable as I was on my way to the basketball game. Gabbie, again, came with me for backup just in case. Instead of meeting him outside this time, I made him come in alone, it was cold. The game went the same, we laughed and joked, and just like it did before, that game was over before I was ready. I didn't want to say good-bye just yet. Knowing that I probably shouldn't, I called my dad and invited him over. As he followed me to the house I was mixed with excitement and nervousness. I knew my dad was would be sleeping by the time we made it home, which meant that we would be alone. He followed me into the house and I pointed him straight to the bathroom as he asked. Unsure of what to do, I felt it would be safe to plop on the couch and turn on the TV. Nate joined me. I don't remember how it quite happened. We were talking and goofing around with the broken remote. And as I held it behind my head, past his reach, his lips just came right into mine. He stopped for a second and looked at me, as if to check and make sure I wouldn't resist and I didn't. We kissed passionately and wild, our hands all over each other. It was as if I was holding back my deepest desires and I was finally allowed to let go. In a way, it was romantic, just like in the movies. Everything was lost when his lips touched mine, and I couldn't seem to stop. Finally, after loosing track of time, we stopped, and he left. I laid in bed that night, in disbelief of what just had happened. My lips felt warm and numb and a smile was plastered on my face. I wasn't quite sure what it meant, I really hoped that it meant he liked me.

Instead of getting pissed off about having to go to work, I found it exciting.

“I wonder if Nate is working?”  The common thought that passed through my mind every day. And when he was, I would smile and giggle as we passed each other, and I could even feel myself blushing.

“What are you so happy and smiley about?” Robin, one of my favorite service desk workers, asked.

“Ooooh, nothing. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Nate kissed me the other night at my house!”

“No way! Since when is it you and Nate?”

“I don't know, I've liked him for awhile. I just didn't want to say anything about it. But I really do like him. I just don't know what to do though. I mean, he is a year younger then me, that's kind of weird don't you think?”

“No, I think that it is perfectly normal. You really shouldn't let it bother you,\ if you like him that much.”

“I know, I'm such a bitch!”

School, man did I hate school. Everyday was another dreadful day. I hated the teachers, I hated the homework, and I hated the people. Every day I was in constant paranoia that someone was talking about me. It's almost dangerous, as if gossipers were lurking around every corner. When I was once loved and popular, I was now alone. I knew my cousin made an attempt to keep me in the group. Sammy and I were in a lot of ways different and alike. We both had the same body type: tall, thin, long legs. The only difference between us was that Sammy was very talented and naturally gifted with her body, while I was just clumsy. In ways, I was jealous of Sammy. While she wasn't beautiful, she was pretty. She wore her brown hair in a messy pony tale most of the time. She was loud and her body was awkward. Still, guys found her pretty and people found her popular. We grew up together but in very different ways. As a strong catholic, she wore a chastity ring on her finger so symbolize that she wouldn't have sex until she was married. I wish I would have done the same, too bad I didn't believe in God. But that was something that she didn't know about me, nor did I want her to know that about me. It's not that I worship the devil or anything or walked around hating my life, wearing black cloths and heavy eye liner. I just simply did not believe in God. It was something that started a little after my parents divorce. Actually, in eight grade, my friend Alada and I decided that we would study Wicca. A Pagan religion. I think about it now, how silly we were. We read books and books about Wicca. We learned how to created circles and how to call to the Gods and Goddesses. While none of it seemed quite real, being witches and all, in a way it felt calming. Perhaps in the same sense that Buddhists meditate, so did I. I would turn off all the lights and set candles around me to create a pentagon. I would call to the Goddesses as I spread salt around my circle in order to keep bad spirits out. I believed so much that as I sat there, I would visualize me pulling all of the fire out of the ground and putting in into my body. Fire to warm my soul and strengthen me, its passion flowing through my veins, inside my blood. I pictured myself glowing, as if I were the sun. When I would finish, I would feel more alive then ever. Now, I know all of that is nonsense, and I could meditate that same way without being Wiccan. I sometimes laugh at my ignorance from when I was younger. But Sammy, she would never know any of this.

My best friend Jackie finally had her baby in November. A beautiful little girl, my God Child, Chloe Elizabeth Bell. I stood outside the delivery room, along with Jackie's sister. We stood there ear to door for about an hour before we finally heard the cries of a new born baby. We both stood there, with tears in our eyes, thankful she arrived to us safely. In early December we decided to celebrate. Jackie and her husband Ryan, Jake and his fiancé Katelyn, and me. I would have invited Nate along with, I wanted Nate to be there, but he was in Illinois with his family. It was fun though, just us five, sitting around the house drinking beers and listening to good ol' country music. We weren't loud; the music was quiet enough so we could hear each other speak with out having to yell. Since I was the only single person in the house, I spent most of the night texting Nate. Around 8:00 PM there was a knock at the door. Jake, who was good and drunk, of course, opened the door. Ryan and Jackie were in the bathroom and Katelyn quickly grabbed me and put me in the closet in an empty room. I was buzzing by then, it took me a minute to realize that it was a cop at the front door. Because Jake opened the door, they were allowed to come in. I heard voices as someone opened the door to the room I was hiding in. The cop switched on the light and took a look around.

“See, no one is in here!” I heard Jake tell the cop. I don't know why but as soon that the cop left the room, I walked out of the closet door. Just as soon as I did, another cop decided that he wanted to take a peek in the room too. There I was, standing aghast in the middle of the room. The officer had a little smirk on his face as he pointed his finger at me and curled it, meaning for me to follow him out the door. It wasn't as if I could just simply jump  out of a damn window, all the fuckers were screened in and locked. I was fucked. As one police officer was writing out our tickets, I could hear Ryan in the background discussing to the other cop how unfair it was that you could be under 21 and be married and have a baby but you can't drink.

“Ryan, seriously, shut up. He doesn't care what you have to say. The law is the law.” Jackie was growing just as irritated with her husband as I was.

“What? We're cool right?” Ryan said look the officer in the face, “See, we're cool.” I wanted so badly just to go home. Finally, the two police officers told me to call someone to have them take me home; they would be waiting outside until I left. Jackie started crying heavily. Panicking because Chloe was at home and they couldn't afford to pay a drinking ticket. I called a few people to have them come pick me up, instead, Jakes dad took me home. How was I going to tell my dad this? Of course my dad knew that I drank. The police came to my house one time last year when I was at a party that got busted. Some bitch ratted us out and I ended up spending most of my night running barefoot and drunk through the pitch black woods with at least five people that I had never met before. Unfortunately, my car was left at the scene of the crime and those fucking pigs ran my license plate numbers. I got a call at 2 AM from my step-mom bitching me out because the cops just showed up at the door. But that time I didn't get a ticket. I walked in the house and my dad was sleeping on the couch. I could have kept if from him, not told him, and just paid the ticket. But the people around here have nothing fucking better to do then sit their fat asses on the couch and listen to the damn police scanner to see whose lives will be made miserable that day.

“Dad…dad…wake up, I have something to tell you.” My heart was pounding, I hated disappointing my dad.

“What is it?”  He said in a groggy voice. He moaned a little bit as if he was attempting to wake up but couldn't quite get there. I was hoping that my dad wouldn't hear me correctly and let me off the hook.

“Dad, I got into trouble tonight.”

“What did you do?” he said in a repeated tone, one that I've heard too many times.

“Well, I didn't stay the night at Jackie's house. Instead, we went to Jake's house and were drinking. Someone called us in and the police came. Dad, I got an underage drinking ticket. I'm so sorry.” My voice was starting to shake, tears were filling my eyes. “I know I'm grounded and I'm going to pay the whole ticket off myself and I know you're disappointed in me a lot.”

“You're right, we will talk about this later. Go to your room and go to sleep.” His voice was very monotone and calm. I know he was angry, but he was also tired.

“OK dad, goodnight.” And I trailed off into my bedroom. The second I closed my door I broke down. It was probably because I still had alcohol in my system that I couldn't control my emotions. My phone had been going crazy since the police came. When the police left, I told Nate what had happened and hadn't talked to him since. For about an hour I broke down to him through text messages. I couldn't control any of my feelings or hatred towards myself. I couldn't believe I fucked up again, just when my dad was really starting to trust me, I fucked it up. That was all that I could say to him that night, how much of a fuck up I was, he deserved better, he deserved anything but me.

The next morning I apologized, “I'm usually not like that” I said to him. Dad never really talked to me about what had happened, I just assumed that I was grounded and that was the end of it. I was still disappointed in myself, and on top of it I felt horrible for letting go of my self onto Nate. He was kind about it, sweet, like he usually was with everything. I wanted nothing more then to be with him, feel his lips again. So he said that he would come to visit me on my break at work on Sunday. My break was only fifteen minutes, no time at all to really talk. So I briefly explained what happened on Friday as we sat in my car in the parking lot of K-mart.

“So, I have something that I want to ask you.” He said, breaking the silence after I finished my story. I was nervous; I knew what he was going to ask. I've been waiting but I was still nervous.

“Oh? And what would that be?” trying to keep my cool, like usual.

“Would you go out with me?” the words rang in my ears and for a second, I think I forgot how to talk. They were such simple words, and it was such a simple question. I mean, seriously, it's not like he was asking me to marry him or anything. So why was this so hard? A million thoughts ran through my head in a time that felt like hours. A few seconds later I smiled, “Of course I will.” he returned the smile, one bigger then my own. And we kissed again, and some more, until finally I had to go back into work. As I walked, all I could think about over and over again was “Wow, I have a boyfriend!”

That Monday at school, of course, everyone already knew before I got a chance to tell them. At school though, we joked about it, people picked on me, and I went along with it. I didn't want every one to know how scared I actually was. In time, it was sort of as if I were bragging about it. Like, “Oh yea, I'm cool because I go an underage drinking ticket.” Not. I knew how ridicules I sounded, but you some how get trapped in the attention and you just cant resist yourself. I hate school. Of course no body ever told me what they really thought about it. Perhaps they were just as disappointed as I was in myself, or maybe they really thought I was cool for getting in trouble with the police. We have a rule in our school, if you get into trouble with the law, you can't participate in any school activities. Well, that was a problem. The only two activities that I did participate in were solo & ensemble and all-star choir. Those were the only two reasons why I came to school. There was a way of getting out of that though, by confronting Mrs. Saylor and admitting to her what you have done. I knew that I would have to do it that day, as soon as possible, so maybe I could get something worked out in time and still be able to attend the concerts. Of course in the end, I had to follow through with ten hours of community service.Yippie!