Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Continue this months Open Windows discussion,  Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings, in this thread.

This thread is a follow on from How do I handle my hurt feelings - 1
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

 
Bringing the last discussion post over from How do I handle my hurt feelings - 1
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Katherine Spiritual Adventurer said -

I was drawn to this question because I was hurt very much last month.  As soon as it happened, I maintained composure on the outside, but inside, I was waiting for myself to over-react in a maelstrom of emotion. Before I could, I begged the Universe to help me keep it together, help me handle it with dignity and not lose my cool.  I was astounded when it worked.
I didn't blow like an atom bomb; in fact, I felt a tiny stab of sadness prick my heart and then, suddenly, level-headedness (which I've never really possessed an abundance of), took over immediately and I was able to analyse the situations calmly. I told myself I was a good person, regardless of what others said or thought. I realized that every person has an insecurity that they have difficulty managing and sometimes fail miserably at controlling and so, lash out at others.  Me.
I thought, how others treat me is an indication of what I've been willing to settle with up to date. I allow others to vent in my face. I've usually handled it by ranting back or lashing out. But last month, the Universe sort of told me all I have to do is speak my truth quietly and although I may not get the rational response I want right away, people think a lot about what you say once they're alone.
It worked last month. I'm still a good person, no matter what. I'm going to listen to my Universe more often from now on!
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

So wonderful sharing your sacred dialogue with the Divine, Katherine Spiritual Adventurer.
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Katherine, I am deeply moved by your sharing. In fact, I am blown away by this entire discussion, the heartopen  posts of Lee, Liza, Bhatta and Clare to which I did not have a chance to respond yesterday in the whirl of busyness. 

I look forward to hearing more about what happens when you listen to the Universe, Katherine!

Does anyone else want to join in this discussion, or return to share more? We are becoming more and more rich here in wisdom and insight with every new thread and all your participation,

Much love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness.
Rumi

Do you want to enter paradise?
To walk the path of Truth
You need the grace of God.
We all face death in the end.
But on the way, be careful
Never to hurt a human heart!
Rumi

“Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.”
Mark Twain

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
Mother Teresa

“…but better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”
Khaled Hosseini

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“Holding anger is a poison…It eats you from inside…We think that by hating someone we hurt them…But hatred is a curved blade…and the harm we do to others…we also do to ourselves.”
Mitch Albom
source
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I am a very sensitive little human being…that being said, you can well imagine that I can get my feelings hurt easily!  For years, I masked this with alcohol and drugs…for the last few years, I have been trying to learn how to handle my delicacies sober.  It has been a complete trip, but, well worth the effort….

I find that I still tend to hide from people so that I will not get hurt…I am attempting to slowly fix this issue…I am a loner at heart and tend not to develop close ties with people to avoid any pain…sad, but true…that is just who I am.
I have ventured out much more this past year..leaving my comfort zone in the rear view, and, allowing myself to get hurt.  The best tool in my arsenal? P-R-A-Y-E-R…it really works!  Praying for the one who has hurt or offended my sensibilities in some fashion; praying for heeps of blessings upon their heads…it really does work!

I am growing and learning…I do not know if I will ever change my ways completely, but, I am trying…people are people, life is tricky…there are no warning labels attached to mean people…I just float along with my goofy smile and pray that I become a stronger person!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Missy, holding you in my heart and praying with you, love
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Dearest Missy, oh yes, praying for the one who has hurt you, that that person would be blessed. That is so beautiful. And I have seen you grow from strength to strength even in the short time I have known you.

Love and warm hugs,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Hi Missy,

That is a very profound thing to do
returning poison arrows with love

Fighting fire with fire only increases the fire

The thing to realize is that those who intend to hurt you
are, in a sense, living in the past
they themselves have been hurt badly
and these hurtful actions of theirs
stem from their own unresolved pain

Another living being becomes angry
and that anger is then expressed
as hurtful words and deeds
that percolates out into the world

That mind state of anger is translated
into hurtful words and action
that appear in the external world
and affect other people

That anger almost always comes
from being denied love in one form or another
So at the core of that hurtful, angry person
is a hurt child

When we can see this as being the case
with our own eyes
then we aren't angry anymore
because our own compassion spontaneously arises

there are no warning labels attached to mean people

There are no labels attached to ANYONE, not just mean people
If we could read the history of mean people like an open book
we would probably find all the instances that caused their hurt
and that caused them to use their own anger
as a way to protect themselves from hurt
If we could see this as if we were watching a movie
we may generate a tremendous amount of compassion for that angry, mean being
but because we can't
and we haven't looked to deeply
for the reasons behind THEIR anger
because we are too busy dealing with our own Hurt
then we deny ourselves that possibility to change the way we see things

As an example, if you physicially or sexually abused as a child
and were truamatized by that
then you may become very fearful, very suspicious
untrusting and very defensive around people
why?
At one time, you trusted
and you paid the ultimate price
you opened your heart and it was crushed

What is the best way to protect yourself from repeating past harm?
By distancing yourself from it
by controlling the circumstances
that gave rise to the pain
isn't it?

What is the best way to keep people away from you?
Be angry! Be hurtful!
We know that if we behave this way,
people won't like us
and they will stay away
and we will be safe, won't we?

Prayer is good
but Awareness is the ultimate prayer

If you have this awareness
and you actually see the reasons behind their actions
and that compassion wells up in you naturally
then it is not difficult at all to connect with that mean person
it's not a challenge then, is it?
One needs simply protect oneself from harm
but your own feelings of retribution, intolerance and impatience
simply won't arise when you see the hurt child behind the angry beast

Many Blessings

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

YESSSSSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

The same way I do anything that hurts me; Let go of them…
We don't hold a flame, an insect or animal that will bite us, hurt feelings only hurt…

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Such beautiful clean simplicity, Jeannie!

Much appreciation,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Regarding super-sensitivity…

Have you ever noticed that when you have a wound on your lips, it hurts to be kissed …or, if you have a sprained ankle, it hurts to stand …and if you have a broken hand, even a gentle handshake hurts?  These are all examples of what it feels like to be physically super sensitive.  Where there is a wound, there is a super sensitive spot.  In the same way, where there is a wound in the emotional body, that spot will be super sensitive, until we take the time to bring it to healing. 

The challenge in healing the emotional body is that we often aren't consciously aware of the wounds until somebody or something touches it and brings it to our awareness.  These folks play an important role for us if we will let them.  They are showing us where we need to heal.    

When my brothers and sisters point out my wounds, I can blame them for my wounds.  I can attribute what I'm feeling to being super sensitive.  Or, I can thank them for revealing what was hidden and go about the business of healing.  The choice is mine.

In my early years, I played the 'super sensitive' role and I was often feeling hurt.  Then one day, while looking in the mirror, I noticed how banged up my emotional body was.  It looked like an earthquake victim looks when they are pulled from the rubble.  

Seeing this, I felt compassion for myself and began the work of healing.  As I did, I noticed that I became less sensitive to the slights of others and more open to living fully.  
    
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Yes, so true Bob,

We are so much more sensitive
than our ego would have us believe!

Those hurt emotions can arise so quickly
from the most seemingly trivial circumstances

Instead of continuing the habitual cycle of:
allowing them to arise
feeling them, reacting to them
and forgetting them

if we come with awareness
at the very moment they arise
that is our only chance for change and growth

If we can successfully bring that calm mind
right into the midst of the tumultous, reactive one
that single act shows us
that there is potential to break that cycle

When we sit with that hurt
with awareness that
“yes, I am reminding myself to be with this hurt and observe it”
the transformation begins
getting to the root of it

Seeing this, I felt compassion for myself and began the work of healing.

Yes, seeing how we ourselves need so much work!
How we are so easily drawn into hurt
and how emotionally fragile we really are
it really humbles us
and makes us feel that we must be kind to ourselves too

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

What an incredibly wonderful thread this is…so much wisdom in so many of the words shared here…I feel like I have nothing to add except my gratitude to all who have shared their deepest thoughts and feelings about their ways of dealing with their hurt feelings which is indeed a very sensitive topic.
I keep thinking about one thing that I have heard stated many times over the years which after this discussion seems almost cold hearted - the statement that offense is taken, not given.  People are in control of how they react to an individual's statement's to them and whether or not we react positively or negatively and react in a hurt situation depends entirely on us.  We are made up of our experiences in life, and we react to a situation dependant upon our life experiences and not everyone is equipped with the life skills to have a positive reaction when someone comes at them with what might be considered an attack against them with something hurtful. 
It is indeed difficult to learn as an adult the skills necessary to deal with these hurtful issues so it is incombant upon us as parents and responsible family members to teach these skills to the young people in our lives today so that when they are the adults of tomorrow they are prepared to deal with the hurts that inevitablly will come their way from their peers.
My personal thanks to all who have shared on this thread…I have learned a lot from it!
Barblovesroses

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

“It is indeed difficult to learn as an adult the skills necessary to deal with these hurtful issues so it is incombant upon us as parents and responsible family members to teach these skills to the young people in our lives today so that when they are the adults of tomorrow they are prepared to deal with the hurts that inevitablly will come their way from their peers.”

I'm with you on that Barb.  Ideally, children would learn about self-control and self-soothing because their parents demonstrated these skills for them while they were growing up; but at present, that's hardly the norm.  So, as adults, we are left to do the hard work.  

A wise man once said, 'Whatever you do, do it with joy.  If you can't do it with joy, then do it with enthusiasm.  Lastly, if you can't do it with enthusiasm, do it with acceptance.  Make peace with what is yours to do.  In time, you may grow entusiastic in your work; you may even come to love it.'    

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I find it amazing how there are so many ways in which the Universe will bring oppurtunities for growth..understanding..acceptance in ' hurt feelings '

Just on Saturday my little boy and I were out looking for a gift for a realtive who's birthday it was..we wanted to purchase something beautiful as it was a special occasion..we decided to go into a mind body and soul shop..
Before we entered the shop I noticed my son was still drinking his milkshake and did remark that perhaps he had better discard the carton or wait at the door incase drinks were not allowed..As he wanted to help in choosing the gift he said he would keep the lid sealed until we left the shop..True to his word he kept the lid on and we strolled around the shop looking at various crystals..jewelery..cards and with so much to  see it took a while to decide on what to buy…

Eventually we settled on a chain with a beautiful crystal pendant..my son choose himself a card for the day..and we were happy with our choices…I noticed the lady propietor talking behind us..she was discussing a sale with another customer..she noticed we were waiting and told us she would not be long..We told her it was fine as we were enjoying looking at all the wonderful and attractive things in the shop…

As we turned to walk up the shop my son caught his arm on a shelf and yes…oops..strawberry milk shake plopped onto the foor..Gasp! My son began to apologise explaining how it had slipped from his hand..the incident seemed to attract everyones attention..it seemed as though something really major had occured as everyone stared down at the small pink puddle which had appeared so suddenly..
I picked up the carton and reassured my son that it was ok and only a little milk..As I stood up I was greeted by a red faced most shocked and angry looking woman..the owner of the shop..as she quickly headed towards us I heard her say ' Oh no my wood floor ' she shook her head and said

'I dont know how I will get that out '

 I apologised and explained how the lid had came off..I offered to clean up the mess..the woman than reminded me of a sign on the door which apparently read 'NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THIS SHOP'
 I once again apologised while noticing even more attention being drawn to the puddle which lay silent on the wood floor..It was then I noticed my son who stood rather silent with the empty carton in his hand..There were no words.. as he stood and looked at the rather angry woman who then began to compalin how she had nothing to clean up the pink froth..She then ran behind the counter and came back with a cloth and tissue paper and gave them to me to clean up with..
I looked at my son who by now was clearly embaressed..tears in his eyes.. ..somewhat..uncomfortable and I was concerned… perhaps he felt ashamed of what had happened…I could only read..see the hurt look on his sweet face…as if he had done something wrong..he once again said how sorry he was..it was an accident..as if all the people in the shop also agreed..staring..with no expression..no words..nor comment..then looking away feeling uneasy by this womans angst and reaction..
I once again said it was ok I would take care of it..however my son began to help clean up the spillage..
The shop owner then went on to tell me that she had a Mum in the previous day who's little boy had pee'd on her wood floor..And it had actually landed on some of her photo frames…she went on to tell me how inconvenient this was..how her buisiness was important to her..the cost of replacements..and how her back was not good..and this was preventing her bend down…
At this point I could not hold back my giggle..I smiled at my son..and winked..it seemed better to lighten the situation and I could not help but see the humour in the unfolding events..almost like this incident was some how connected to this womans reaction the previous day..
I imagined how this woman with her child must have felt..I wondered if she had been calm and just accepted that such things happen..or if she had become upset and was embaressed by the whole incident..I wondered if the child was very young..perhaps a toddler..or even a child with health challenges..
I wished I could have been one of those people in the shop..that I could smile at her..help clean up and say ' its ok ' these things happen..I imagined she may have been like me and just see the purpose in it all..
After I had cleaned up all the spillage..the shop owner examined the floor..she then said that there was still some liquid in between the small lines of wood..she handed we some wipes and asked me to clean the rest that were in between the cracks..I said this was  no problem.I continued to ensure all the milkshake was cleaned up..I noticed that throughout the whole incident the shop owner never noticed my son's face..his concern for what had happened..It seemed her attention was focused straight to the task of ensuring no liquid had seeped into the floor..
Once the floor was dry..and clean..I reassured my son..gave him a nod.. that all was well..he had nothing to feel bad about…a simple little incident which no doubt had taught us all a lot…It seems he had felt bad for his mistake of taking in his drink..that I had cleaned it up..and the shop owner had became so upset..
When the moment had passed we continued with our shopping..I noticed the shop owner looking in the isle where we were for her keys where she had placed them…However as the shop keeper bent down to pick up her keys she suddenly stated that her pain in her back had gone…she said she had experienced pain in her back all day..and that when she bent down she had just noticed the pain had gone…she was amazed and delighted..I could not help but think something had been released..somewhere…We purchased our gifts and smiled.thanked the woman and walked for home… I asked my son why he thought she had became so ' upset ' he said that he felt she loved her wood floor and her ' things ' and we may have damaged them with the milk shake..That someone had done the same thing the day before…that the sign on her door had not been noticed..and perhaps she was in pain with her back..
My son and I left the shop not feeling hurt by the incident..we had both learned a lot..the floor was ok and the shop keepers back seemed to be a lot better…
This was a day filled with feelings..milkshake..and special gifts…: ))

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Hi Barb,

Yes, the same thing Missy is talking about
returning Poison arrows with love
having the wisdom to know
what truly lies behind those who would hurt us
and knowing this
compassion spontaneously arises

Many Blessings

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Like you, Barb, I find such wisdom and beauty in the sharing here, that I just read in silence and move on. Thanking all who are sharing with such clarity and luminosity…and blessing my friend whose seemingly cold words cut through the fog of my childhood sensitivity - “Meenakshi, no one is thinking of hurting you or not hurting you. We're just doing something that occurs to us. Why do you get hurt?” And I told myself:” How silly of me to be hurt by someone who isn't even trying to hurt me; who isn't even aware of my feelings.”

This refreshing cold water helped me. It's the clue I needed! I realized that feeling hurt by others' action cuts into the freedom I value so highly. I never again easily gave the keys to my happiness and freedom to another. My friend winces now at my recollection as she thinks she was unfeeling; but I remind her of how it helped put things into perspective for me!

Yes, sometimes people go all out to hurt others; but most of the time, they're just doing their thing; and for me, as far as feelings being hurt, I've mostly got over it. Studying lightwork and Reiki and healing have helped a lot to move my focus from feelings to flow.

First, I realized that often when our feelings are hurt or we are sad; it's not just what happens to us, but what happens to those close to us, that affects us; sometimes it's because of notions and ideas and 'shoulds' and 'ifs' and 'buts' so I cleared my mind of those notions; then I realized that empathically feeling what others around me feel, is not going to help them, we've to help each other get out of the hurt and into the knowing of what is happening. So I moved the focus to connecting with heart and intuition [in chakra terms, connecting through heart chakra and third eye chakra]; and it was fabulous.

Now, when someone tries to attack/”hurt me”, I turn the focus from my feelings to theirs - where are they coming from? And the pain and sometimes deep sleep that's there can be overwhelming. I've to remind myself to stay in compassion.

Now I've realized the true meaning of being “oversensitive” [a word thrown at me all my childhood]: it's about being super aware. Not about being 'touchy' or quick to hurt; but about being in compassionate awareness.

I was going to stop after mentioning my friend; but the words just kept flowing. I'm aware as I write that when we write or talk, we can never tell which words of ours hurt another; sometimes I feel that just the fact of writing or speaking can hurt another. Which is why many monks stay in silence. And Jain monks even keep their mouths covered because even when breathing in or out we may be injuring insects…Still, even in silence we can hurt!
Ah well, I broke my silence; and I hope it has hurt no one. That is what my aim is…to try to move into non-violent being that can be as non-hurtful as possible.From being one who was often hurt,  I seem now to be over-caring of hurting others!
As Swamiji, Eli, had said - we've to start with forgiving ourselves.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

ANGE WHAT A WONDERFUL TALE!!!
bows
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Lots of wisdom here Meenakshi!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Barbara and Jeannie I loved both your statements. We would not hold a flame or an insect that would bite us.

Jeannie I have had bumblebees sit in my lap….and no I never once grabbed one!LOL

I understand and agree that we are responsible for ourselves our conduct and how we treat each other. I do not go around poking fingers in peoples hurt or pain, I feel that with time, love, support and having those things in your life you never had IS actually what heals. Not poking your fingers in old wounds. I know this because of what I personally have been through and it made things WORSE for me, not better. It did not work for me at all. Some people it may work for, but we are all individuals and it may not work for everyone.

 I feel a positive environment is important for any living being to heal in a loving way. Thus far with the exception to Barbara's statement I do not hear anyone talking about consequences to those who are hurtful. I think putting too much emphasis on our feelings and not enough of the consequences of irresponsible behavior in another human being.
I think part of being responsible for our feelings is to express them.

Katherine you wrote something about how others treat you as being an indication of what you have been willing to settle for up to date. Could it be that your really not the one with the problem here, but the people who are not treating you well… perhaps they do not feel they deserve to have it good themselves because of what they are lacking? Had they valued themselves more they would have treated YOU better?

I been seeing things in a whole different way. Its a childhood thing, and an adult thing.  I been through  so much of what you ALL have been saying, perhaps in a different way and on a different path, but my take on much of it is very very different. While I am responsible for my own conduct I feel the “hurter” is responsible for the cause of it and need be held accountable. Someone who is a good person and did not mean it, will take the necessary actions to make it right and not do it again.
I believe most decent people have been there too and know what I am talking about in their own lives.
Be compassionate to yourselves, its great you have compassion for others, but true compassion starts within you first and then extend to others.

For most of my own life I was told by everybody that I had to change. In essence I was told I was not good enough. I walked around for almost 42 years thinking there was something wrong with me, because that's what everybody said and unless I fit the description they had of what I should be to make themselves comfortable……. Where was there room with all these people here for me, Liza?
Something Great stepped in and said NO LIZA there is nothing wrong with you, there is something right with you…..and I woke up. It was actually during one of my creative moments when I was making a silhouette.
I accept the things I can not change and some of those things are the best parts of who I am today.
Maybe all people should be a bit more sensitive and considerate toward each other….

Much love to you all

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Usually when I find my “Hurt Feelings” it is a signal that there is a belief system  or expectation that I am holding on to that needs to be examined.   It is a time for reflection to come to the root of the emotion so that healing or change can occur.  I let the emotions guide me so that my future growth is assured. 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

angelmoon, yes, it is often that one is clinging to a belief or expection and bringing that awareness can be healing and transformative.

This discussion on hurt feelings came out of a previous discussion on anger, which was something that was very live for me last night as my beloved and I were very angry in an argument we were having.

Having resolved important issues around hurt feelings and established some key areas of sensitivity in each other to watch for was an enormous help in moving past the anger to full resolution and a deeper love and sense of security in the relationship. Thus it became a blessing and a sign of how very special the relationship is, how blessed we are in each other and how much we are looking forward to being together again this weekend.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Yes HummingBird - everything is available to those who seek.  The acknowledgment of feelings and self examination is constant, but contributes greatly to a life well lived…..

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I let the emotions guide me so that my future growth is assured.

Beautifuly stated Stephanie.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

After knowing my husband for half of my life on this planet twenty years or more. Trying every method.

Wisest advice I can give…..always have a large cast iron frying pan available. Wield when necessary. LOL Or simply don't cook

And to the men……would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?;)

Liza

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

And to the men……would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?;)

This question is probably best directed towards oneself. :0

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I am just joking Bob, truly no harm is intended with any malice or meanness from me.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Same, same Liza.  The thing is, it's actually a really great question.  One of the little, or maybe not so little, things I've learned is that the cost of being right is often …everything else.  It's likely to cost me my peace, my sanity, my wellbeing, my happiness, my relationships, my job, etc.  Funny thing is, lot's of people don't seem to mind paying the price.  (Perhaps they're not reading the fine print.)

I find that it's helpful to consistently remind myself to let go of needing to be right.  I do this by affirming my willingness to be wrong.

For example, if I think I might run out of money I say to myself, “I'm willing to be wrong about that.”  If I think someone has offended or hurt me, “I'm willing to be wrong about that.”  If I'm worried about someones safety, “I'm willing to be wrong about that too.” etc.

This little reminder has served me well over the years.  I employ it to free myself from repetative, negative thinking anytime I catch myself in the act! 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

 ”…in a sense we need to willingly to let go of everything - the material and esp thoughts and ideas - in order to gain.”
 
That's a nice observation Hummingbird.  I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but in December of 1996 I came to a point in my life where I was ready, willing and able to fully surrender to Spirit.  At the time, I didn't realize that what I'd unwittingly done was to enroll myself in a spiritual university of sorts, where I was to undergo a curriculum called The Principles and Practices of Insight, Understanding and Peace.   The purpose of which is to assist students to develop the following capacities and attributes.

1.  The capacity to calm the mind and emotions, regains ones composure and/or remain at peace even in the middle of the storm.
2.  The capacity to maintain an open, willing and receptive attitude even when faced with adversity and/or failure.
3.  To master the art and practice of inquiry and forgiveness.
4.  To consciously reconnect with heart-centered awareness and intelligence.
5.  The capacity to self-observe
6.  The capacity the think in terms of values rather than operating according to systems of belief.

Some of the attributes that are developed through consistent implementation of the principles and practices are patience, open-ness, trust, insight, understanding, compassion, inner peace and a budding wisdom.  And, as you might imagine, the conditions that arise in order to bring the lessons to bare are often quite challenging and difficult.  Difficult people come into our lives; we suffer loss; we are betrayed by people we care about; our ventures fail and the absurd happens, often.  These things don't arise to harm us, however; they arise to set our hearts and minds free, they happen for us.  The job of the student is to use the experiences for the purpose intended.  To set ones self free.   

As you can see by the order in which I listed them, willingness is a very important attribute to develop.  It opens a lot of doors.  Secondly, the overarching purpose of the course is to master the art and practice of forgiveness …or said differently, the art and practice of embracing, letting go, inviting and allowing. 

Not surprisingly, last night I was having a conversation with a friend about this very thing.  During the conversation, he mentioned that he was sick and tired of having to practice patience.  When I asked him what his guidance was telling him he replied, “Be still. Be patient.” 

“So it's asking you to learn patience?” I asked.

To which he replied, “Yep.” 

“And the conditions of your life, are they providing you the perfect opportunity within which to learn this lesson?” 

“Yep.”

“So what's the problem?” I asked.

“I don't like it,” he whined.

“How's that working for ya?” I asked.

“Not very good,” he said smiling.

“You might consider changing your mind then, heh?” 

To which we both responded with a hearty laugh.

Like me, what my friend desires above all else is to know the reality that we call God.  Patience, the ability to remain in timelessness, draws us closer to this reality.  Thus, the difficulty he was currently experiencing was perfectly aligned with his overarching desire.  Things weren't going wrong …they were going very, very right!  

 
     

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I understand. It is admirable you have come to a place in your life whereby you are willing to be amicable. Under realistic and normal life circumstances these things apply.
Still I also say is listen to your heart or inner self in what is right for you.
There is a time to speak up and be heard too. How it is said matters.
I really think it depends on your circumstances as an individual and where you are coming from. From ego its a wash, from the heart well now there is a true story in that, one to be valued:)

For example if I think I might run out of money “I'm willing to be wrong about that” Oh GOSH that is hilarious I really LOL on that one. With thinking/sense of humor like that Bob how can you think you think negative? :)
Thank you.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

So many avenues for exploring hurt feelings, but a time line helps put them in perspective: seeing the change from older ways of feeling and reacting to using more sophisticated coping tools.   Yet, despite the latter, I wonder why many primitive reactions continue to hold sway.  When my feelings are hurt, I tend to dialog internally with the offending party like a small child who’s nursing delicate slights, “You did this! How could you?  Don’t you understand how hurtful this is?”  It seems to go round and round helplessly on that emotional level: an “adult” conversation seems out of the question when the inadequate inner child is constellated. 

As children, our communication tools were primitive and inadequate; we often had to rely on parental advocates to soothe over our hurts and validate our self-esteem or “rightness” in a situation.  We didn’t have the intellectual skills to do the necessary problem-solving.

And is it much better now, equipped with so much knowledge in the spiritual arena?  It seems that if essential reciprocity for depth isn’t there (involving mutual inner work and insight), it’s less complicated to just withdraw from the situation, at least for the time being.  Is the conflict an opportunity to cultivate inner detachment (for no other reason than to temper one’s emotions)?  Good to detach and observe for a while. 

With reflection, one can ask:  are certain patterns and feelings constellated over and over again?  If so, who needs to ‘own’ the problem? continue working on a solution?  Should one undergo an uncomfortable process exposing vulnerable feelings, get into “heady” discussions, shrug off and ignore conflicts, or continue being slighted by insensitive people?  

Perhaps we create problems for ourselves (nursing old wounds and patterns) when none should exist (there's no intention coming from the other party).   How does hypersensitivity, or hyper-awareness factor in?   What feelings are we projecting, versus what energies are we truly picking up? 

More questions than answers, because the solutions are subtle, complex, and intertwined with many factors.  Ultimately, these hurt feelings, inner and outer wounds and conflicts, are mirrors held up for self-reflection, self-awareness and growth.  The degree to which we invite and involve other people's participation in our stuff also depends on a lot of factors.

Thanks for this discussion, it's awesome!  I honor the willingness for risk-taking and growth that each person is offering here.  Om shanti.  Deep bows. 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Kathy the insight you offer into your deep soul searching journey is a wonderful guide. Thank you
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

how do i handle them? i cry! then i talk to my friends :) or both!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Both are good, dear friend! 

Kathy, beautiful insights here:

  How does hypersensitivity, or hyper-awareness factor in?   What feelings are we projecting, versus what energies are we truly picking up?  

More questions than answers, because the solutions are subtle, complex, and intertwined with many factors.  Ultimately, these hurt feelings, inner and outer wounds and conflicts, are mirrors held up for self-reflection, self-awareness and growth.  The degree to which we invite and involve other people's participation in our stuff also depends on a lot of factors. 


Hugs,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Suni, that's wonderfully spontaneous. Are there any stages which follow or is it hard to identify a pattern…

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

That cheerful Friend.

You know that little cheerful friend,

 that’s always by your side,
who helps you as the daylight ends,

and helps to turn the tide.

He Wakes you in the Morning sun,

and smiles upon the Day,

and Helps you have your morning fun,

and melt your cares away. 

the toughest times, the meanest crimes,
he tells you 'only try',

he helps you smile, he helps you think,

 and also sometimes cry. 

Hes like a guide, He Draws a map,
that sometimes shows the way.

Along the Path, He shows the Trap,

the lies that Others say. 

He's like the wind,
He's like the rain,
He's like the summers day.

But don't You ever Yell at Him,

or He will run away. 

Don’t ever lose that little friend,

Don't let Him go away, 
That’s what I did, I lost that friend,

I'm sorry to this day.

I know that friends still watching me,
still waiting to be found,
The answers still inside of Me,

and He will come around.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

thought full poem, Torchholder!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

When we feel hurt, if our reactions are out of proportion to the 'hurtful' situation, then you can be assured that this hurt is being driven by early unmet needs, which need to be processed.

Am enjoying reading everyone's contributions here.  Thank you all.

Love
C

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Clare - thank you. I agree with you 100% on keeping the balance and looking earlier if necessary to see the source of earlier similar situations. After something is located and a program is in place to address any situation it is good to be over it by acknowledging truth found and learn of a new awareness within. Exercise also helps or cleaning up the gardens and home does wonders to help put in a perspective for my own healing.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

If I kick my toe against a stone my toe hurts - knowing what caused the pain is almost a separate matter. Clare and Lee, it's an interesting process this, 'looking for the roots of the hurt'. Sometimes it can feel helpful to know the source of our pain. Sometimes the source is hidden. If we find the source then we still need to learn what to do about the pain inside.
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

What happens is when you find the source of the pain you can feel a wave feeling of truth come through. If one burns their finger on the stove.  Once the stove is cooled down, you take that injury and touch back in the spot where the burn happened and continue touching it back for a few minutes. This puts the injury back to where it was before the injury and helps it heal faster. If there were earlier burns on that area … as you touch the stove (or object where one got injured) back those pictures that are in the unconscious come forward and once seen this healing effect takes place like light is upon you. There are many other methods but I give this to explain its mechanics.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Lovely description Lee.   As a Primal Integration Facilitator working with people whose wounds come from way back, I see this every day, and never cease to marvel at our deep inner wisdom to heal organically.

Yes, we are self-regulating organisms, if we can only allow ourselves to be.

Beannacht

Clare

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I love, love, love gardening!!! I find that when my hands are busy doing something I love that my heart is just as present. Same goes for my artwork, kind of like documenting things I see and learn in nature. I find this exciting.

Speaking of hurt feelings. I felt sad on the “lets exchange links” when not too many people followed through on that but said they would.
I appreciate being able to count on people, specially because I never really had that kind of thing in my life. I have learned to count on myself, but I'm not always enough:)
Love & Peace,
Liza

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Liza, I know that feeling well, counting on oneself, not feeling enough, and wanting to be able to count on others.

Expectations were mentioned earlier as one of the roots of hurt feelings. So, when I expect others to be there for me, and they are not, I can feel very bad.

It is a challenging line to walk, holding out the invitation for others to walk with you without being too forceful. At times I err on the too forceful side, especially when I feel very strongly about something. But it is something to let go within myself. Others are who they are and what they are. They are limited in time, energy and perspective. That is ok, and they are all loveable for all that.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Clare:  When we feel hurt, if our reactions are out of proportion to the 'hurtful' situation, then you can be assured that this hurt is being driven by early unmet needs, which need to be processed.

That seems to be very true.  When I listen to the 'voice' or emotional tone that's expressing the hurt inside, if it cries out like a small child, then I know I'm still operating on that level. 

Perhaps over time, therapeutic work on processing those layers can achieve good results.  But the type of tools one uses is important.  I've noticed that when I've dwelt on pain too long in various (non-spiritual) therapies, I merely increased my bank of grievances, and strengthened false aspects of the ego using many justifications.  Releasing the pain was very cleansing, and there were remarkable feelings of emotional rebirth and wholeness.  But the layers are still there, perhaps because we are so vulnerable in those stages, and the layers are deeply imprinted.

I finally discovered a cognitive approach which seems to help, using spiritual affirmations.  But again, cognitive implies using the head, while feelings are deeply buried in the heart.  It's nice engaging in a spiritual affirmation process which works within the heart… shifting focus to that center, using symbolic, spiritual language and healing emotional tones.  I've noticed at Unity services when the inner self (of the whole group) is affirmed in such simple, loving terms, many people have melt-downs, because it's just so tender and basic to who we truly are.  I was thinking earlier about Native American language, how directly they speak from the heart in prayer, how moving it is to shift the focus there. 


 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Hi Nicole,
Actually when someone tells me they are going to do something and commit to it by giving their word then I do not think that my “expectation” of them keeping it is unreasonable at all.
To me that is what is called “responsibility” and being in a responsible relationship and a mutual one that IS what is needed for the relationship to be fruitful and reliable.
To me I only feel bad when I have been giving based on someone telling me they are going to follow through, I go ahead and do what we agreed, but they do not carry their own weight. Then I feel sad that I believed in them and now I don't by their own actions. I was not the cause, they were and I bear no responsibility toward them anymore. I do not have to stay or be in any relationship whereby it is unhealthy and what is being asked of me is unreasonable.
I do have a responsibility to myself.
I do not think anyone of us need people in our lives like that, that is a path of suffering that this world can live without it. It brings forth an unfaith in people and a mistrust in each other.
Treat people how I would wish to be treated. I have done that and do that, but if it is not reciprocated then it is time to move on. To healthier and more uplifting circumstances. I have needs. I am human.
I understand what you are saying Nicole and I appreciate your insight,  from where I am looking it is a different perspective from a different standpoint.

I expect people to be true to their word, be honest, ethical and moral. To also be themselves, no masks. If that is too high an expectation then maybe I am around the wrong people.
I say this with love.
Liza

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

“I expect people to be true to their word, be honest, ethical and moral. To also be themselves, no masks. If that is too high an expectation then maybe I am around the wrong people.”

Holy crap Liza, you're not around the wrong people …you're on the wrong friggen planet!  ;0

More seriously Liza, if this is indeed how you show up, then I am indebted to you …and I sincerely mean that.     

But really …No masks?  No mistakes?  No missteps?  No letting some one down, ever?  No pretense?  No shrinking?  Being perfectly transparent and truthful at all times?  If these are truly your expectations then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. 

The words of Byron Katie come to mind here, “People do thoughtless, stupid things because that's what people do.”  When measured against our ideals, we are imperfect beings.  However, I find that there is incredible beauty in that imperfection.


    

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Dear Liza,

Not unreasonable at all. However, people can and do commit and not follow through. All the time. They are dishonest, unethical and immoral. They have many masks.

So, they are responsible for that, but the question is if I feel hurt by that, how am I going to deal with it?

As you say, one response is to treat people as you wish to be treated. And move on when need be. 

Love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Hi Nicole,

I suppose what shapes us are our experiences. How to deal with the hurt?
Sometimes you cant always deal with it. Sometimes the magnitude of hurt is far too much for a human being to process. You give it up to whatever Source you believe in. You also can express your feelings about it.
And perhaps in good faith you take those things that hurt you and you make changes to not do to the things that were done to you. Because deep down inside I believe most people don't want to hurt each other. And really that is the best anyone can do. Right?
We can not change everything about ourselves, but we can make conscience choices to be kinder and aware of our own actions. I think being responsible is a positive thing.
Our paths my differ, but many roads lead to the same place.
Liza

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Liza, reading your message again, there is so much wisdom in your words–Because deep down inside I believe most people don't want to hurt each other.

I was with a meditation group today, and one of them reminded us of the Ruiz' agreements - and she mentioned  impeccability and not taking things personally. I gave a start! I remember we'd discussed them at Living Metaphysics once:
The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
And how delightful! I see that we have so many of us in that conversation!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Liza, I would like to look closely at the “can't always deal with it/magnitude too great to process”. I think of people who have successfully dealt with things beyond my imaginings, like the Holocaust, or the loss of a beloved spouse or child. It is true that some processes take much more time but it is in the giving up to Source, expressing feelings and so on that healing can be made full.

Sometimes yes we do make decisions not to hurt others in these ways and that is wonderful. Sometimes we develop a profound compassion for others who have been hurt in similar ways.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Nicole,  I love the gentle embrace of your message.  Thank you. 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Bob, I have so deeply appreciated your wisdom and depth over the past weeks that I have begun to see you sharing everywhere with such compassion. Love you,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I'm wondering, can hurt feelings ever go away?  If so, how?

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Indeed Meenakshi, with certainty.  (And I suspect that you're already well aware of this)  Unfortunately, I don't think that a short answer will suffice.  As an example, in A Course in Miracles, the forward explains the entire teaching in three short lines…

Nothing real can be threatened
Nothing Unreal Exists
Therein lies the Peace of God

If this is fully understood, there is no reason to read the text or complete the daily exercises because the next 1000 pages are meant to illuminate these three short lines. 

In the same way, I could simply say that all emotional pain is self-inflicted, stop hurting yourself, but that answer would hardly prove satisfactory to those who are currently hurting.  Thus, I have provided a full answer in a book titled Taming The Tiger of Emotion: A Radical Change of Mind.  www.Tamingthetiger.us

This book is a gift to those who have decided to give up suffering.      

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Bob, I'll take a look at the link; and you know, I really would like to know if anyone has ever got rid of a hurt feeling after it has come.

The reason is, that in my life I found that hurt never goes away. Now I”m only talking of hurt; and not pain, though this might well be for both. I discovered that if I focus on the hurt, I want those who I feel have hurt me, to somehow make reparation; to make the hurt go away. And I discovered that they never can!!! If they say they're sorry; I feel - they should not have done what they did. I wonder if they mean what they're saying. If they'll ever do it again.
If they don't say they're sorry, I don't know if I should forgive them. Sometimes, they would be hurt because I told them they had hurt me. Ooof!! That was a never-ending eddy on my path.

The way out, for me, was that I decided not to be in the realm of hurt. When I stepped back, I realized that I was seeking something the other could not ever give me. Also, that the aspect of me that was seeking, would not ever be satisfied. I call this the chaotic waves of the ocean; which will ever be chaotic. As I wanted hurt feelings to go so I could be at peace; I decided to take away the condition for peace, and just go for it. Accept that somewhere there will always be hurt; that  I can keep sending it healing light; and accepting it as a part of being human.
And then I can move on. So now I see that I am still sensitive …maybe even “more over sensitive” than I have ever been; but I am not hurt. Or rather, I am not where the hurt is. If this seems like denial, I would rather deny what is on the surface than deny the beauty of the depths where I can relate to those whose feelings I may hurt and who may hurt my feelings; not at the hurt level; but at the happiness and connection level. Where we can actually do something important [like raising our children, for instance!] rather than bother about the inevitable jostling as we walk a  path close together.

it sounds more difficult than it is really. The really difficulty for me was to acknowledge both - that the hurt exists and may never go away; and that I need not stay at the hurt.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I am moved by the depth of sharing in this thread, thank you Fellow Travelers
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Perhaps hurts stay for quite awhile, particularly in the immediate stages, but then they lessen as time goes on:  more positive experiences absorb and soothe over the memories.  Hurts may lie dormant, re-emerging when triggered by similar situations, but hopefully they've lost their charge, because we've grown in maturity.  When I've seen the pain (or ignorance) inside people who inflict immature or mean-spirited acts, I realize that it's really not my pain at all.  Then I feel more compassion for them and for conditions which generate these  impulses.   A big question is, does someone knowingly and consciously act maliciously, or is he unconscious and unaware?  It's much harder to get over hurts which are willfully inflicted, and I tend to polarize my feelings toward such actions.  It's also possible that people are so caught up in themselves that they may not recognize the slights they're generating.  My over-reaction of hurt may be disproportionate, due to over-sensitivity and unrealistic expectations.   Swami Satchidananda used to say “If you make no appointment, there will be no dis-appointment.”  This has to do with discernment about so-called sources of pleasure, which may actually create pain due to the nature of desire.  So in this context, it must mean letting go of attachment to hurts.  Detachment doesn't mean hardening one's heart, but Iearning over time what brings a steady sense of peace (if one resonates with this approach….there are many paths).   

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I'm wondering, can hurt feelings ever go away?  If so, how?

I feel that the hurt feelings do go away. The awesome part of living is that the hurt feelings are there for a reason. If they weren't accessible how would we have the ability to recognize the differences when one is in a dangerous situation?

With animals this is a natural survival mechanism within each in order to react in the moment. If I am doing handy work around my home and accidentally hammer my finger, it hurts! That message tells me to not do that and to go put some ice on my finger rather than continue the action. How is the same as I mentioned above to help heal this from the pain. Lightly touch back the area with the hammer after the first aid has been applied and repeat this action until the pain disappears within a few minutes of helping ease the pain.

Emotionally it feels silly and sometimes embarrassing but feel it… be in that moment with what is real and move forward having learned from the danger. Flows do open again and we remember this feeling so not to (hopefully) repeat harmful actions.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Meenakshi, thank you for the heartfelt sharing.  I appreciate your candor. 

“The reason is, that in my life I found that hurt never goes away. Now I”m only talking of hurt; and not pain, though this might well be for both.”

There are levels of emotional pain Meenakshi, but it all has the same source.  All pain and suffering in this world is due to identification with one thought or belief.  That thought is, “I am a separate self.”  This thought or belief is held at a deeply unconscious level and it permeates most human interactions.  Again, because it is held at such a deeply unconscious level, most of its effects remain invisible to our conscious mind.  Thus, we are inclined to believe that hurt happens to us, but that simply isn't so.  Hurt is a concept within the mind that most human beings identify with.  This brings us to your next statement.   

“I discovered that if I focus on the hurt, I want those who I feel have hurt me, to somehow make reparation; to make the hurt go away. And I discovered that they never can!!! If they say they're sorry; I feel - they should not have done what they did. I wonder if they mean what they're saying. If they'll ever do it again.  If they don't say they're sorry, I don't know if I should forgive them. Sometimes, they would be hurt because I told them they had hurt me. Ooof!! That was a never-ending eddy on my path.”

Meenakshi, this paragraph perfectly illustrates what happens when we identify with, or give our attention to, hurtful thoughts.  If we give attention (energy) to negative thoughts, they cause negative emotional effects within the mind and body.  And, just like string instruments in an orchestra, once we vibrate that thought with our attention, all like thoughts that are stored as images and emotional memories begin to vibrate as well.  If the vibration is strong enough it will trigger more deeply held memories. On the other hand, if it is a weak vibration, it will not penetrate as deeply. 

You can quite easily prove this to yourself.  First, give some attention to happy thoughts and notice how you feel.  Then, give some attention to a hurtful thoughts and notice what happens.  Simple cause and effect.     

“The way out, for me, was that I decided not to be in the realm of hurt. When I stepped back, I realized that I was seeking something the other could not ever give me.”

One of the first ideas we must accept if we are truly to heal (to accept our wholeness) is that there is no such thing as other.  Yes, there is another mind/body/personality, but we are not the mind/body/personality.  We are one heart operating through many minds.  In other words, we share one heart.

Claiming that “You hurt me,” is always an abdication of power.  It gives ones power away, because, if someone else is responsible for my hurt, I am powerless to do anything about it; except perhaps to attack or move away from what I believe is causing my pain.  On the other hand, if I'll take the time to actually observe and explore my thinking, I'll come to see clearly that my emotional response or reaction to any situation is directly connected to my perception of that situation.  Therefore, if I'm willing to step back and view the situation from multiple perspectives, I'll find a perspective that lifts me out of victim mode and restores my momentum towards wholeness. (This is what the process of forgiveness is all about)

Thus far, I have only addressed how hurtful memories are formed.  Situation + interpretation = emotional memories and stored mental images.  But I haven't addressed how to heal the old memories we've created and stored.  We'll get to that in a bit.      

“Also, that the aspect of me that was seeking, would not ever be satisfied.

This is a powerful insight Meenakshi.  You're absolutely correct.  This aspect of the mind is never satisfied, and when we identify with it, we feel that sense of dissatisfaction as if it is our own.  It's apparent from your comment that you've begun to unmask this aspect of mind and see it for what it is; the source of pain and suffering.  We could even say that it is like having two minds.  One mind thinks inspired, holistic thoughts, the other thinks in terms of separation.  Our experiential reality will depend upon which mind we direct our attention towards.

If this sounds like denial, you are correct.  It is denial, but it is the right use of denial.  I deny myself permission to dwell on hurtful thoughts.  I do this because when I dwell on hurtful thoughts, I hurt first myself, and then typically someone else.  Thus, if I am to awaken from the bad dream, I must withdraw my investment in it.   
 
“I call this the chaotic waves of the ocean; which will ever be chaotic. As I wanted hurt feelings to go so I could be at peace; I decided to take away the condition for peace, and just go for it. Accept that somewhere there will always be hurt; that  I can keep sending it healing light; and accepting it as a part of being human.”
 
Meenakshi, If you read the paragraph above, you'll notice that it alludes to 'your hurt' being very, very real.  And, I would add, with reason.  That's the way it seems to be.  But in reality, 'your hurt'  is really 'your painful thought' about something that happened in the past and it is stored within your mind and body as both a mental image and an emotional memory.  However, by recalling it in your mind you give it new life and power in the present moment.  As Jesus said, “Let sleeping dogs lie.”  There is no reason to wake them unless you desire what they have to offer.  When you find yourself dwelling on hurtful thoughts, feel free to change your mind.

The challenge here is that when these thoughts surface in the present, it often seems that we have little or no power over them (they seem so 'real', don't they) so it's important to draw a distinction between who we are and what we think.  In other words, I have thoughts and thinking, but I am not my thoughts and thinking.  The thing is, if our painful emotional memories are to be healed, we must first learn to look upon them dispassionately as if we are looking at something that does not belong to us.  Because, indeed, they do not belong to us.  They belong to a universal pool of thought from which we can borrow.      
And then I can move on. So now I see that I am still sensitive …maybe even “more over sensitive” than I have ever been; but I am not hurt. Or rather, I am not where the hurt is. If this seems like denial, I would rather deny what is on the surface than deny the beauty of the depths where I can relate to those whose feelings I may hurt and who may hurt my feelings; not at the hurt level; but at the happiness and connection level. Where we can actually do something important [like raising our children, for instance!] rather than bother about the inevitable jostling as we walk a  path close together.”

In returning to the idea of oversensitivity, a few thoughts occured to me last night.  The first is that before we can heal this wound we call pain, we must become fully present to it, but without adding any new labels or judgments.  And, by presence I mean, we must feel it.

This scares a lot of people because, typically, when people become present to this energy we call pain, the story they've attributed to the energy begins playing in the mind and it's like revisting the terror all over again.  That's why I say it's so important to feel the energy without attaching any labels or judgments.  Just feel the energy, let the story rest.  The reality is that the worst the feeling itself ever gets is uncomfortable …until we overlay our judgments.  (Our interpretations of what happened)  Sometimes these feelings and sensations can become extremely uncomfortable, but that's as bad as it gets.  It doesn't get crippling until we attach a story to it.  Recognizing this is just part of becoming emotionally mature because it allows us to rest in the discomfort without losing control of our mind. (mindfulness)

The second thing I have to say about 'highly sensitive people' is that many of them have very sweet and innocent natures.  It would never occur to them to purposely hurt others, nor would they readily believe that anyone would intentionally inflict pain.  Unfortunately, many humans do intentionally inflict pain and when these sweet innocent souls encounter such an experience it tears them apart; it opens a great wound.  And, as long as that wound is open, the slights of others can cause them great pain.  Regardless, healing, or a return to wholeness, follows a similar path.  

“It sounds more difficult than it is really. The really difficulty for me was to acknowledge both - that the hurt exists and may never go away; and that I need not stay at the hurt.
 
Yes Meenakshi, acknowledge everything.  Hurt does exist as a possibility, and it does occassionaly arise from time to time in our lives.  We lose people we care about, friends betray our trust, we lose jobs and income, etc.  Painful experiences do arise in our lives from time to time.  This is part of life.  The problem is that when pain comes to visit, it invites all its relatives that have taken up residence within us to come to the party.  The downside of this is that it increases our pain.  The upside is that it reveals what's within us that requires healing.

So, how do we heal our pain and hurt without adding to it?  It's really simple but it's not always easy.  When the energy of pain arises in our lives we must learn to embrace the opportunity for healing that it provides without making someone or something else response-able for it.  

Secondly, we must learn to connect with the actual energy that underlies the emotion without adding any personal commentary.  In other words, we must simply learn to be with the actual sensate experience.  By that I mean, to tune into and feel directly the actual feelings and sensations within the body instead of perceiving them conceptually through the filters of our story.  This, by the way, includes labeling it as hurt or pain.  Let go of those labels.  Give them a rest.  Invite (intend) the energy itself to show you what it really is in such a way that you can know it and experience it, for what it actually is.  Give up the idea that you know what it is.  Just spend time being with the energy and opening up to it in a feeling sensing way. 

Once we learn to do this, to intuitively sense and feel what's happening within our own bodies, our own innate wisdom takes over and begins to guide the  movement towards wholeness.  Our job is to keep the thinking mind out of the process.  In other words, feel, feel, feel, sense, sense, sense.  No thinky, thinky.  Feely, feely.

As we learn to grow into this process, the first wounds we heal are our own personal wounds.  Once we've done the work of healing these wounds, we begin to work at the archetypal level; the shared memories of abandonment, betrayal and loss that arose with our decent into form.   We all carry these ancient memories within us.  The spiritual warriors job is to recognize them for what they are and bring them to healing and wholeness (forgiveness) where they can finally be layed rest.  This is a moment by moment process; we take whatever arises in the present moment and bring it to forgiveness.  In this way, step-by-step, we make our way back home.    

          

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

these deeply introspective sharings lead me inward…

hurt…
I'm wondering if hurt is about perception
When I feel hurt
my 1st sense is to shift from 'me' to allowing for 'other'
- a be-coming of 'us'

'I feel hurt'
is 'created' by my reaction

so often I find that when I go to the heart of the one who has 'caused the hurt',
understanding sets in and hurt melts away as shadow does when the sun rises

sometimes the heart of the one who has hurt me is unaware and has obscurations disabling clarity

then still I can embrace this one on their sacred path

how can I feel hurt when I hold the one in my heart
 
I cannot
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Very Nicely put Hummingbird.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Gaia Minute time now in South Africa - this beautiful morning
love in the heart
without boundaries

may all beings who feel wounded
uncover their Divine Wholeness

until such time may our hearts
hold all beings lovingly
without end
until Oneness sets in
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

 Hi Meenakshi,

At the end of the day when you look at someone who has tried to hurt you: There are people who accidentally make mistakes and people who are purposeful in their hurtfulness. You realize in actuality who did they really hurt?
And when you look at it “removed” you realize you are not hurt, but they have just hurt themselves, because you do not want to be around others negativity. Now you know them for what they are as they have chosen. Now you have information to choose what is best for you.

I believe the majority of people are good and are working toward a better way of living and wanting a sense of a healthier community and environment.

I have made my own personal discoveries on my path that work for me. I have worked with animals and wildlife for approx 25 years of it. What their response and healing participation has been, has given to me the credibility and knowledge I have sought via actual results. If you want to discuss sensitivity they are the ones to go to for it.  With that said. I too have learned and there is something to be said for actual experience here and healing in a natural way. Because I have experienced it myself. I embrace this knowledge that has been brought to me by my “Source”
Its really uncomplicated.
I am happy that those of you who have been hurt are seeking to heal, forgive and nurture each other. Including myself in this.
Those of us who are actively seeking to make a better world by becoming more conscientious and careful/caring people is admirable. Blessed be.
Thank you.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Those of us who are actively seeking to make a better world by becoming more conscientious and careful/caring people is admirable. Blessed be.

Liza, this is beautiful!

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Wow, that must be so challenging, if hurt feelings don't go away. 

I think there are a number of reasons that could be the case. Sometimes when I bury a hurt instead of dealing with it, it persists. Time doesn't heal all wounds automatically - some wounds fester, some keep getting re-opened.

But there can be full healing and it needs to be an active and on-going process, especially taking into consideration the way that new and similar situations arise, and can re-trigger healing feelings.

Love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.          CS Lewis
 
I feel like God has forgiven me of so much, that I will forgive everyone who has hurt us.           Jim Bakker

Love, to be real, must cost - it must hurt - it must empty us of self.    Mother Teresa

source

When we fall on the ground it hurts us, but we also need to rely on the ground to get back up.         Kathleen McDonald, How to Meditate

All things arise,
Suffer change,
And pass away.

This is their nature.

When you know this,
Nothing perturbs you,
Nothing hurts you.

You become still.

It is easy.      Ashtavakra Gita 11:1


We who are like senseless children
Shrink from suffering, but love its causes.
We hurt ourselves; our pain is self-inflicted!
Why should others be the object of our anger?   Santideva, Bodhicaryavatara

source

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Very dear to me is that devotee who hates no creature;
Who is friendly and compassionate;
Who does not feel separate from others,
And therefore does not think anything is his own;
Who stays calm in pleasure and pain;
And is forgiving.

I cherish that devotee who is ever content;
Who is steady of mind; who controls himself;
Whose convictions are consistent and strong;
And who offers his heart and mind to me.   

I cherish those whose devotion has lifted them above the dualities;
Who neither rejoice over good fortune, nor run from pain;
And who have transcended even desire and grief.

Very dear to me is that devotee who worships the same Self
In friend and foe alike;
Whose mind stays balanced in the midst of honor or dishonor,
Heat or cold, pleasure or pain;
And who is not attached to anything.

Gita, Chapter 12, verses 13, 14, 17, 18

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

BEAUTIFUL, Kathy! Thank you

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

We all carry these ancient memories within us.

Bob, excellent commentary. it is wonderful when our words dance into each others in this way. The insights that appear  is just amazing. Thank you so much for sharing them.

 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

I never said there were perfect people Bob, nor am I or claim to be.

What is being discussed by me is a thing called responsibility. I am not talking about simple, minor and unintended mistakes here.

When you have someone in your life who shows up for you most of the time, someone you count on and one day they forget. You forgive it.

When you have someone make appointments with you and don't show up from the start, lie to you, then they call you again with some excuse and do it again and repeat this after you have given them several opportunities, then they are jerking you around. You feel their intentions by intuition…..

That is what I am talking about Bob. Am I always transparent? I don't know I supposed that would be based on who's perception and are they being transparent themselves?

Lastly you bet I want to live on a planet filled with love and compassion, because that would be a planet with a conscience and a planet with a conscience, morals and ethics would be there too. Perfection? You cant live on something your not, you can do your best to be a decent person and be a part of the solution. *To thine own self be true*

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Hi Lisa, ah yes, the imperfection of words and the impossibly difficult task of using them to form sentences that actually communicate the intended message.

In a couple previous posts you made mention of holding people accountable for the hurtful things they do to you and then followed that up with the idea that you expect people to be “…true to their word, be honest, ethical and moral.”
 
When I read that, I busted out laughing …not at you …but at the audacity of the expectation …and I mean that in the best possible way.  In a perfect world, this is how we would all show up!  But this is not the world in which we find ourselves.  We are at present… evolving in that direction …maybe.    

That post you are responding to was written by me in a spirit of shock and surprise.  I hear you say that 'other people can and do hurt you and you hold them accountabile for the hurt' and then you follow up with a expectation that would be imposibly difficult for most people to even come close to.  What I was really looking for was some additional insight into your thoughts.

When I look at people, I don't see adults standing in front of me; I see children in older bodies …and that includes me.  Thus, I forgive everything.  I do not hold them accountable for their mistakes, I let that natural consequences of their choices play out. 

When it comes to people who promise and don't deliver, I just notice their behavior and make a mental note.  To me, they are like two year olds begging to drink out of a crystal glass while their standing on a tile floor.  I just know its going to end badly!

Love you Liza.  Love your spirit. 



 
 
 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Bob I did not have a normal life whereby there were disappointments along the way I could take in stride. The magnitude of things I have personally gone through changed me. That is all I can offer for now.

We all come from different places. I still have not heard about your personal experiences that lead you to your own conclusions. Which would be interesting to hear.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Also I noticed something here you are saying that I should live on another planet, (thanks Bob) because there is no such thing as perfection?……………………what I see here on this thread are some people who are actually discussing that very topic. Perfection
Is this about how we handle our hurt feelings or how to be perfect about handling our hurt feelings?
The reality is on this planet if someone strikes you, you will naturally defend yourself because you are supposed to defend yourself. That response was given to us for a reason and that is a part of nature and a part of our being. What matters is how you use it.
If you go around hitting and hurting people for no reason you get locked up. Why? Because that is not normal.
Yet what value does the human psyche have? What about emotional abuse?
Oh well we cant see that, there's no proof. Yes, there is proof, much of which violent crimes are commited and people are victimized…
You have people going around doing the very things to each other that were done to them, who never own their own wrongs.

“The world is a dangerous place to live - not because of the people who are evil but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
- Albert Einstein”

Ever living thing on this planet was given defenses for a reason. Bee's have stingers, animals have sharp teeth. Yet when you meet these things with love and gentleness that have no cause to BE defensive, they only respond based on the situation and appropriately so, for a reason.
I have animals here that were abused, or neglected on some way by someone.
They all came in with issues, behavioral problems or were part feral. I even have  a cat outside now I named Abra. He would not let me touch him, he was part feral, it took me a year of talking to him, never putting him on the defensive, never touching his defenses…..dont pick at the scab so to speak.
Now he is an absolute LOVE. He is a changed animal. Why? Because I took the time to value him, his feelings, he felt bad about himself because of what someone did to him. I took the time to earn his trust, give him love, the space to choose and the courage to reach out.
Every animal that came to me had some issue or another. Including my dog Wolfy who was previously labeled a fear biter….
What works is love, guidance, allow them their own space and yes privacy. Boundaries etc.
And they have been my teachers and healers. Because I did not have to remind them of their previous pains, hurts, disappointments for them to get over it. In a positive environment it just happens that way.
How did I figure this out? Because when life gives me real and positive opportunities to be in a loving environment I take it. That's a positive thing
You want to talk about dealing with hurt feelings? How to make them go away?
When your emotional, physical and spiritual needs have been met, when the love that you need, within and without surrounds you and permeates. You just heal, because that is nature and it is powerful and incredible. You learn to trust again and live a whole and fulfilling life.

It is in our nature to heal ourselves, in is in trusting our true nature and true self to know what needs be done. In truth it is in loving and being loved that completes the circle of healing and this is so with every living being.

“You can't solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created it.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)”

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Liza, what a beautiful approach you have with those poor dear animals. This is a wonderful exploration. 

Love,

Nicole

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

“Also I noticed something here you are saying that I should live on another planet, (thanks Bob) because there is no such thing as perfection?……………………”

No dear sweet soul, I did not say you should live on a different planet.  Why would I want such a sweet soul as you living somewhere else?  You bring so much beauty to this world.

“what I see here on this thread are some people who are actually discussing that very topic. Perfection  Is this about how we handle our hurt feelings or how to be perfect about handling our hurt feelings?”
 
Not to me Liza.  It's not about perfection or handling life with perfection.  Quite frankly, I haven't developed that capability to date, nor do I expect I will.  I am a perfectly imperfect human being.  I am flawed.  I have blindspots.  But what I'm really pointing towards with my words isn't a path to perfection, it's a path towards learning to understand and embrace the contradictions, paradoxes and imperfections we find both here and within ourselves.     

“The reality is on this planet if someone strikes you, you will naturally defend yourself because you are supposed to defend yourself. That response was given to us for a reason and that is a part of nature and a part of our being. What matters is how you use it.”
 
I agree Lisa.  Everything is nature has natural survival defenses built in.  Dogs have teeth and elephants have size.  We have a brian and the ability to transcend our present circumstances. 

If you go around hitting and hurting people for no reason you get locked up. Why? Because that is not normal. 
 
Unfortunately Liza, when I look closely at the conditions on this planet, I'm hard pressed to agree that this behavior isn't normal.  Violence is rampant and our jails are overflowing.  One person out of every hundred in the United States is locked up and those coming out of prison are typically more violent then when they entered the system.  The cycle of violence is vicious.  You hurt me, I hurt you is a mantra heard round the world.  My desire is to be a part of breaking this vicious cycle.  Can you feel me? 

Yet what value does the human psyche have? What about emotional abuse?  Oh well we cant see that, there's no proof. Yes, there is proof, much of which violent crimes are commited and people are victimized…  You have people going around doing the very things to each other that were done to them, who never own their own wrongs.
 
Yes, the cycle is vicious.  That is why I've made it my business to try to change one thought and establish another.  The thought I'm seeking to change is the one that reads, “I can't help that I feel this way,” and replace it with a thought that reads, “No one can hurt me without my permission.”   Gandhi.

Can you imagine how powerful it feels to know that you could be totally open, vulnerable and innocent and be impervious to the slights of others.  To know that you could embrace the discomfort that life occassionally serves up and be with it without being any worse for the wear?  The last line in my book reads, “The most powerful heart in the world isn't the one that never hurts; it's the one that hurts, heals and opens up to love again.”  To me, this is power, this is beauty, this is grace manifested in time and space. 

Liza, like many others, I grew up twisted and broken emotionally.  Depression, anger and dispair were my constant companions.  More than anything I wanted peace.  This peace I now have and it's not dependent on external conditions.  It is a deep inner peace that is not easily disturbed, and even when it is disturbed, it returns quickly.  This is what I'm pointing at with my words.  It is possible for anyone to establish this for themselves and it requires nothing of anyone else.       

“I have animals here that were abused, or neglected on some way by someone.
They all came in with issues, behavioral problems or were part feral. I even have  a cat outside now I named Abra. He would not let me touch him, he was part feral, it took me a year of talking to him, never putting him on the defensive, never touching his defenses…..dont pick at the scab so to speak.
Now he is an absolute LOVE. He is a changed animal. Why? Because I took the time to value him, his feelings, he felt bad about himself because of what someone did to him. I took the time to earn his trust, give him love, the space to choose and the courage to reach out.”
 
This is what I see that stands out about you Liza …your kindness, sensitivity and gentleness.  I acknowledge you and truly appreciate you for this.  

Every animal that came to me had some issue or another. Including my dog Wolfy who was previously labeled a fear biter….  What works is love, guidance, allow them their own space and yes privacy. Boundaries etc. And they have been my teachers and healers. Because I did not have to remind them of their previous pains, hurts, disappointments for them to get over it. In a positive environment it just happens that way.  How did I figure this out? Because when life gives me real and positive opportunities to be in a loving environment I take it.
 
Quite wise of you.
 
That's a positive thing.  You want to talk about dealing with hurt feelings? How to make them go away? 
 
I don't believe that I have spoken of making hurt feelings go away.  If I have given that impression, then I have misspoken.  My intent is to deliver an altogether different message.  That message is, Learn to embrace the hurt in the same way you embrace the wonderful and beautiful.  I say this because I have learned that when I embrace the hurt and give it my full, heart-centered attention, it melts away and I grow in understanding and awareness.  This allows me to embrace the fullness of life; the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.     
 
When your emotional, physical and spiritual needs have been met, when the love that you need, within and without surrounds you and permeates. You just heal, because that is nature and it is powerful and incredible. You learn to trust again and live a whole and fulfilling life.
 
Oh yes, this is so true Liza, and it's beautiful when we can create these kinds of environments for ourselves and others.  But, at present, this is not the way of the world.  So, if I expect that the world or others will provide this for me I will often suffer, because many are unwilling or unable to do so.  What I have found, however, is that I possess all the inner resources I require to meet my needs for healing and wholeness.  The love I used to seek so desperately for in the external world I found within myself.  There is no lack of love in my life, ever.  And I don't require any external support for this to be so.               

It is in our nature to heal ourselves, in is in trusting our true nature and true self to know what needs be done. In truth it is in loving and being loved that completes the circle of healing and this is so with every living being.
 
I couldn't agree with you more.

 

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Bowing deeply at the meeting of hearts and integrity of these sharings and probings.

Bob thank you as always for being so here, walking with you is wondrous.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

[apologies for writing without reading the last few posts]

Being alive, we inflict hurt without awareness
Being emotional, we feel hurt in many ways
Being social, we learn ways of showing  in public
Being loving, we know that hurt HURTS
Being intelligent, we know the processes of hurt and its removal
Being empathic, we feel the hurt of some or all
Being spiritual, we transcend hurt feelings
Being healers we transmute the hurt
Being still, we are aware of the hurt and what is within and around it
Being human, we have the choice of all of these.

~Inspired by the energy of this discussion thread.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Thank you Bob, Hummingbird & Meenakshi!!!!

I see all of what you are saying and I am not disagreeing. I do understand the responsibility we are discussing here. I just come from a different place because I do feel that “positive outside influences” can spark desire, once desire is sparked, then comes incentive and so on and so forth. Much of which is being done in prisons now/ working with children and children with problems…..Many people do need that because they did not have that in their own lives and so do not really understand HOW to give it to themselves. Not everyone can get it, some have to live it….


I am sorry about your childhood Bob. I understand, I'm sure you all know that by now (transparent:)  Yes we have inner peace because today we have become the people we are meant to be and have grown to love ourselves for who we have become.


Love and Light to you all.
Liza

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

This thread is getting long and therefore slow, I will return later and start a new thread where we can continue our conversation. In the mean time, i look forward to sharing your posts here!

love

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Just submit everything towards the feet of the supreme and keep quiet. Let the supreme decide on everything. So, there is nothing to worry. This is how Lord Krishna advised Arjuna in the middle of the battle field through the Bhagavad Gita.

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Thank you Dear Sanmugan. Here are some quotes from the original:

Bhagwad Gita 18:66:

sarva-dharman parityajya mam ekam saranam vraja
aham tvam sarva-papebhyo mokshayisyami ma sucah

“Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear.”

Mathew 11:28

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Jeremiah 31:25

“For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes.”

Re: Open Windows. How do I handle my hurt feelings - 2

Thank you for our vigorous and vibrant discussion, please continue here How do I handle my hurt feelings - 3