Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

We all react to family members as they really know how to push our buttons, get our goat or make us crazy.  I have learned from being part of a large family through birth and marriage to react is to be in crisis.  We cannot control how people behave but how we choose to react to them we can.

I believe in spirituality and not religion and God has given me wisdom to know when peace is more important than getting along with everyone.

I used to go to church, but find solace in the quietness now in nature, being alone and just listening to people, really connecting.  Being the middle child of five I always was the mediator, the peacemaker and the one who had people over.  My family is loud and very religious.  Letting go of their beliefs and allowing myself to explore my own was liberating to say the least.

Emotionally crippled by everything around me, my life has been difficult until one day I woke up and realized all I had to do was to not allow people to cause a reaction in me that would take away my energy, inner peace and serenity.  It works.

I allow myself to experience the emotions that come when family members say something cruel or to agitate then I let go.  The peace that comes with that process is amazing.  It is like a balance that comes and the world is no longer spinning.

I always tell my kids to have balance and moderation in life and never took my own advice.  Now I realize being generous as I like to see myself as means also being generous to myself. 

I have learned to spin aorund, feel dizzy and then relax…just like a child playing in the yard on a summer day. 

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

I really enjoyed this post……….. our learned something the other day……

OUR ATTITUDE PROBLEM IS IN THE MIRROR……

I HAD DONE SOMETHING I WAS SO PROUD OF , AND EVERYONE AROUND ME WAS AS WELL.  (THOSE THAT LIVED HERE) BUT WHEN I CALLED BACK HOME TO TELL MY MOM ABOUT IT,,,,, I GOT SHOT DOWN…… MY INITIAL REACTION WAS SO SAY SOMETHING I MEAN, BUT INSTEAD I SIMPLY SAID (with my voice cracking) I'M PROUD OF WHAT I DID, AND GLAD I DID IT………

IT WAS HARD , AND I TOOK HER REJECTION PERSONALLY, BUT IN THE END I KNEW WHAT I DID WAS RIGHT, AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. 

YOU ARE RIGHT ON WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT FAMILY MEMBERS PUSING BUTTONS, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY???????

TEMP

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

I believe with family we are often stuck in our childhood “skin” as I like to call it where we had predictable behaviors and roles. As adults, our parents and siblings see us through that very limiting lens and often without intending to, stymie our growth.

There is also that jealous tendency to not want to let us go among family members out of fear of our changing so much we become unrecognizable to them.

Often, we are not encouraged due to simple fear. The validation that we seek is what limits us from growing in many instances and when we realize we do not need our family’s validation we can grow faster and with less struggle.

Intrinsic growth is often the most difficult to explain, which is the growth for our own sake and our own motivations than say extrinsic growth such as appearances or jobs which are things that people can see and understand.

To some extent, moving away from family sometimes allows us the opportunity to discover who we are without the imposition of childhood roles to hold us back from identifying new dimensions of our person.

Stacey

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

Hi! I’m new here!

I think it could be argued that the greatest emotional growth does take place within the family. Everyone is projecting onto each other so much more than “outside people” and that does make it hard to find and be what you truly are but the really incredible growth occurs when you can find and be yourself without letting the incredible pressures and forces of the familiy mold you back into what you once were. Igonoring the validation is incredibly hard. Letting your unique light shine for what it is instead of shining the light you’ve always shone for the sake of the others’ security helps everyone grow. Moving away will give you the freedom you need. But, learning to love your family (or anybody) fully no matter what your family (or family) does to you gives you lots of strength. However, being able to identify and leave dysfunctional situations where there is no hope of a good relationship is healthy. Give the other person love and leave

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

I think “skin” is an apt description. I would have to say that I felt like I was in my nine year old skin when dealing with my mom this past weekend. It really knocked me out. I am just now starting to learn how to deal with accepting my family as they are and not letting their judgments of me tear me apart. I have a hard time not letting go of what others think of me. I guess i am working on it.

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

If you believe that you are creating your day, and that what you seem to see outside of you is a projection from inside of you, then it follows that it's not your relatives that are judging you, it is you who is judging them. It's a bit scary, but it also gives you the power, and there is no need to feel like a helpless victim anymore!

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

This is such a difficult topic, I don't know where to begin.  All these posts are exellent.  First of all, where family is concerned, doing the right thing can simply result in your being ostracized.  I have always heard that when you do what is right you are alone.  And yes you are.  It is a very painful and lonely place to be.  As a child I wouldn't be able to take it and would blend into the mindset just to be accepted.  As I got older, I found I had to be true to myself regardless of the outcome.

 The outcome was not pleasant, and I just had to accept my family members' actions and go on, all the while still loving them and always keeping the door open.  My parents were also very religious and I broke out of the mold.  Yes, I am more spiritual and my spirituality reflects in my life, in everything I do.  Gazing at a tree, looking at the sun.  Spirituality is everything.  I was disowned.  As painful, as this was, I had to be true to me.  I had to live my truth.  I had to explore life on my own terms.  Had I acquiesced to their wishes, I really would not have been happy at all.  As I would have compromised who  I am.  No one should ever do that.  We are individuals the minute we are born and, ideally, our parents should love and nurture us through life, letting us be who we truly are.

 This helped me in raising my own family, as I gave my two childrenthe freedom to be who they are.  I was always there to encourage them and if they fell I would pick them up. 

 My son turned out to be like my dad.  He is rigid and doesn't accept his mother for who she is.  My daughter is like her mother, a free spirit.  Like my dad, I love my son, and accept the way he feels.  The door is open, whenever he wishes to call and come back.

 Kindest regards,

Luella May

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

Stacey:

It is very difficult to not react to family conflicts. I learned through reading The Language of Letting Go and Codependent No More, both by Melody Beattie. Of course it is an ongoing process but I no longer participate in the games family members play and I have learned to set boundaries. Beware though that setting boundaries creates its own conflicts but I stick to them and I will see where it leads.

LightSeeker

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

I believe family members are able to get under our skin like nobody else can because we are karmically and spiritual linked to them.  They are our test.  If you believe in reincarnation, you can think of it as if we have been with these people over and over again, yet we are not karmically done with them, therefore we are put together again to learn from them, pay back, or help them. 

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

This subject has been a large part of my spiritual pilgrimage, too. In fact, my zaadz name is “Blue Polka-Dotted Sheep” because I think that's what I am in the midst of my religiously homogenous family of bleached white sheep. I have always been the free spirit, creative, artistic type… the idealist, dreamer, visionary, etc. and I guess I have always known that there is MORE… 

 I'm grateful that I didn't do a 180 and leave everything I was taught as a child. Moreso, I have opened my mind and heart to a broader truth that can be found in all religious traditions and spirituality, although I do find my moorings as a “progressive Christian.” One lesson I have learned can be easily stated like a bumper sticker: I CANNOT TOLERATE INTOLERANT PEOPLE! Although many people have their firmly established beliefs and never seem have an to itch to explore outside of the box, we “liberal, progressive types” can become just as intolerant as they if we are unaware of what we're doing. Right now, my “praxis” is to learn to love and accept those who are different than me. 

So, now, when I visit with my family of origin I feel more sad than mad. However, it makes me even more grateful for my “family of choice” and wonderful cyber-communities like zaadz.

Re: Emotional Stability When Dealing With Family

mAybe we should start a zaadz fund by producing that bumper sticker! ” I cannot tolerate intolerant people” very funny but true for me as well. Love it. Intolerant people are a great test of our patience…they are people who haven't really learned to open out & usually operate out of fear based thinking.

Michelle