Sharing

Please share your journey of a loved one's passing
No matter what your views are, how chaotic or in touch you feel
I have been working with the passing of my daughter, Gra-anna, for three years now. A thing I have found completely important has been knowing accepting people with whom I could share my feelings & experiences in an open way. Also knowing people who'd had similar experiences and being amazed at how differently and individually we responded. I also learned was that despite the differences there is still a whole lot we had in common and that there are 'normal ways' of responding even though they have felt terrible at times.
In the end it's been a journey of one thing at a time, one day at a time… and it's the sharing of feelings and 'these little things' which I hope we'll do here.

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I always knew there was something amiss when told at 9 that my father died of a heart attack. After a chance search for “Schnehage” on Google in 2002 I came upon an entry that read - Quentin Schnehage - Scientology - another suicide - Copenhagen.
I knew it was him.
I did research which led to the tying up of one of the large loose ends in my life.
I had been freed from the mystery and could now start understanding the circumstances which led to his suicide in 1968.

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Pierre it sounds like finding out facts about the cause of your dad's death which you'd been reaching for inwardly for so long, must have been a huge moment of closure for you. On the other hand I'm sure it opened up a whole new area of loss and pain which hadn't there up until that moment.
Om shanti
HummingBird

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I had fortunately done the Hoffman Process by then… I had dealt with my dad's loss then. In depth.
But the discovery of the coverup around his death was at first heart skipping. There was a lot of detective work included… JO had had the MD change the cause of death on the pretext that the life insurance wouldn't pay out his children if it were noted as suicide. He took pity on the kids and she took the money.
But, on the whole it was a great relief to know what had actually happened. I did an indepth study on Scientology and that which brought him to that critical point and  - I did more closing rituals (Hoffman style) and laid him to rest. I think of him with fondness.
I did though, see JO about 5 times (in Park Hurst!) She was living there all the time! I gleaned as much info as I could about my life (at 3 in Linksfield) and what had happened to me there… and then I dropped it. She died about 2 years ago.

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Thank you for starting this Pod.  I had been searching for a place to journal my own grief, where I might also find feed-back (not looking for sympathy) of how I feel about it.

I will share briefly here now, as an introduction, and then over time expand in threads dedicated to each passing.

On January 22, 2007, my father passed away after fighting valiantly with Parkinson's disease for upwards of 25 years.  Then on April 3, 2007, a favourite uncle passed away after fighting with cancer for almost four years.  The last and most recent touch with grief, and probably the most profound, was when my mother passed away on June 17, 2007, having been in hospital for almost a month, and finally succumbing, not to the disease(s) that put her there, but an infection the hospital staff introduced into her body as they poked and prodded her, even after they had already discovered massive cancer in her body.

As a hypnotherapist, I have worked with people experiencing grief, so I am not totally out on a limb as to how to help others with their grief.  I have been also employing those methods to my own situation, and should the need arise, I have a good friend in clergy who is also a hypnotherapist, who is standing by to help.  I must admit, though, that being on the inside of grief, looking out to the world, has given me an even deeper appreciation of the pain that people experience in the loss of loved ones.  For my own part, the first half of this year has handed me just about all the grief I can manage for a while.

May you be blessed for starting this work here, and for your sharing.

Namaste!

Gem

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Dear Gem
You have been through so much! The loss of so many loved one's in short succession. I am glad you have someone there with you whom you feel you can rely on. Thank you for sharing so we may be with you in your grief. It sounds as though you are learning through these1st hand experiences but also are giving yourself the safe space you need by acknowledging you have had all the grief you can manage. Please continue sharing with us over time as you feel the need - this space is a home for that and sometimes when one airs one's grief it resonates for others who may not have managed to find words for their own wounds.
Wishing you love on your scared journey
HummingBird

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i thought this story might be a good one to share here.
peace and happiness to all who read, and well, all who don’t too.

I have always said that “dogs are people too”, and Jackie was no exception. This little Beagle had a kind and gentle presence that left you with no alternative, but to love her to pieces. When I first met her, I thought she was a he. With a wag of the tail and a warm doggie smile, she quickly granted me forgiveness for my confusion when I apologized for my mistake.

Every morning when I would show up at her house to run with her person, she would greet me with her warm welcome, looking up at me with her endearing eyes and the slightest tilt of her head. She always looked so cute that my heart would melt at just the sight of her. I would often affectionately refer to her as cute little sausage. I am forever renaming those I hold dear.

I didn’t take long to know that my dog Skip would just have to meet her. I was a bit concerned that his puppy attitude and his rather large goofy size might not be well suited to meet such a little lady. I took a chance and made the introduction anyways. He instantly showed a respect for her age and made no attempt to dominate the relationship. There was no doubt about it; Jackie and Skip became fast friends.

We shared bath time and walks around the neighborhood, quality time for the two-legged and four-legged alike. The stuff a good friendship is made of. Although we didn’t have much time together, she found a permanent place in our hearts.

My first experience with loosing a loved one was when my Grandfather passed on. I was seven years old and was completely devastated to loose my favorite person who I affectionately called, buddy old pal.

It was my mother’s advise that helped me to accept his passing. She told me that if I prayed for my Grandfather to become my guardian angel, he would remain by my side forever. Even today, I can still feel him watching over me.

When I heard of Jackie’s passing, I prayed that Jackie could be a guardian angel to Skip. I was sure she would do a great job. To this day, when I imagine her with same old tilt of the head and her warm doggie smile, complemented by her new set of wings, I can’t help but hearing my Grandfather saying, “dogs are angels too”!

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Ohmsmom
I remember reading this the day you posted it
thank you for sharing these stories of loss which tug at the heart

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I am grateful fot you giving us a place to share and be there for each other in grief. How ever I want to help all remember that Life begins in God and has no end. Our loved ones are in a different form, watching over us in ways we may not understand or experience yet but they are there. I trust you find comfort in knowing this information and that you will look forward to their contacts. Most of my contacts come in my dreams but my soul-mate helped me find
my misplaced eyeglasses, I need them to see to drive. He also helped me find other items he knew I would be wanting for our photo/momento album we had been working on of our time together, some of the items I will be needing to claim widow's benefits when I am older.  Trust me, I have had panic attacks, many tears for myself, I was lost and wouldn't eat because I not only miss my best friend, I gave up my home and am far from friends we shared too. The dreams were scaring me so I finally had to seek, but talking to strangers
that didn't know me wasn't the answer so I went to the angels. The other evening I was playing on the internet when this site just opened  http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/home.html
the presentation just playing without my help, I didn't see a place to stop it nor would I have once I saw the beautiful photos of nature then I started reading it, I believe somehow my friend had sent it to me anyway whom ever I am grateful. It isn't about death the least that can happen is you enjoy the beautiful nature photos..
 So friends look to the future and the intresting if not exciting times you can still have with your loveing ones.  You will never stop missing them in the 3-D but you still have their love.
To all who read this be thankful for your loved ones here and there.
God Bless
Much Love & Light
Vi aka peacegiver

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I am grateful fot you giving us a place to share and be there for each other in grief. How ever I want to help all remember that Life begins in God and has no end. Our loved ones are in a different form, watching over us in ways we may not understand or experience yet but they are there. I trust you find comfort in knowing this information and that you will look forward to their contacts. Most of my contacts come in my dreams but my soul-mate helped me find
my misplaced eyeglasses, I need them to see to drive. He also helped me find other items he knew I would be wanting for our photo/momento album we had been working on of our time together, some of the items I will be needing to claim widow's benefits when I am older.  Trust me, I have had panic attacks, many tears for myself, I was lost and wouldn't eat because I not only miss my best friend, I gave up my home and am far from friends we shared too. The dreams were scaring me so I finally had to seek, but talking to strangers
that didn't know me wasn't the answer so I went to the angels. The other evening I was playing on the internet when this site just opened  http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/home.html
the presentation just playing without my help, I didn't see a place to stop it nor would I have once I saw the beautiful photos of nature then I started reading it, I believe somehow my friend had sent it to me anyway whom ever I am grateful. It isn't about death the least that can happen is you enjoy the beautiful nature photos..
 So friends look to the future and the intresting if not exciting times you can still have with your loveing ones.  You will never stop missing them in the 3-D but you still have their love.
To all who read this be thankful for your loved ones here and there.
God Bless
Much Love & Light
Vi aka peacegiver

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Vi thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It seems everyone has such an individual experience as we find our way on our journey. It does seem that there is no short cut other than facing the immense pain of loss. But as you share with us there can certainly be life beyond pain. Life seems to sometimes take us to places most unexpected and terrifying. It seems that when we look into the heart of the very thing which we find most scary, we find what we need most

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Hummingbird, this is such a valuable request.  My Diving Deeper writing process is very much aimed at 'opening the door' to sharing such stories. It is my experience that if we do this, and the stories are 'heard', healing is deepened. I would love you and others to consider joining the Diving Deeper writing workshop - you will find my Notes Along the Way there, and they speak very much about the necessity of story-telling for soul healing and development.

Love,
Sandra

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Thank you Sandra for offering an outlet for expression of self and a place to be heard.

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Thanks for this pod. Closure is an important process we all go through when someone we love dies. My mother died January 3, 2007, and she was buried on my 62nd birthday. We were separated when I was six months old. My father got custody of me, and I was raised in Alabama. My mother lived in Texas. She had summer visitation rights, and when I was older I visited her in Texas in the summers when school was let out. I was raised by a great step-mother. One thing which has bothered me during these years, I never called either one – mother. I called them by their first name. Later, I would address my real mother –Mother. It began to sound right. Before she died she told me her life story, and we decided we would co-create a novel together. We spent many hours talking back and forth, and now two years later the book is creating itself. Hopefully, it will be completed in the next month or two. I truly pray that others can find closure because it is awfully hard when you lose someone you love. Both of us knew death was near when I visited her a week before she died. I still live in Alabama, and she died in a hospital in Texas. Thanks again, Hummingbird, for starting this pod. It will be helpful to me as a pastoral counselor.

John

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Thanks for this gift to share deeply what each of us have experienced, are experiencing, and perhaps what we may as yet experience.  I felt even as you asked me to join the pod, that it could provide and allow for deeper connection, healing and insight in the greatest and grasciousness of this open space.

I've been fortunate to be, to just sit with many people in my life, at the time of their passing/transition.  Perhaps even too many to mention at one time, but many.  What I did find, after learning not to contract into a space of fear will be part of the story and sharing I'll share with each of you here.

With each of the people who made their transition in my life, I was given the gift to watch, and allow, to just be with this occurance and to notice deeply “what is,” not what I thought it should be or what I wanted it to be.  Each was different in many respects.  Some suffered greatly, some dove into it, some chose not to share it intimately, some had open experiences and some had very closed or contracted experiences.  I've have since come to learn that my part was this noticing, this connecting to the essence of what it is, so that I may one day share with people just like each of you.  And voila, the universe answered the call through your invitation.

So, one of the big things I noticed from each of the passings was the opportunity to embrace it fully, if one was aware of it.  To really open the door further.  After all, it is only a newer door, a transition.

My dear friend Larry was someone who taught me much as he wanted to consciously explore his passing even while he remain embodied/in his body.  There was a recognition in him that I would help him with this.  I gladly answered even as I had no preconceived idea of the way it should or would be.  Nine months of sitting, helping, assisting in any way I could.  I won't go into the details of his illness but will share with you some of how this transitions was embrace with as much clarity as possible - even though there was the same stuff that most people go through while watching a loved ones body go.

The minute he asked me to sit with him, I thought.  Oh, his time here is short, and he wants to be as open as he can as he makes this transition.  So, I did the usual that most people do, start planning, etc.  And then it occured to me that I must again just embrace him and this passing in an open way.  As people asked me what I'd do, I thought, I'll not do anything, I'll just sit with and be with it and watch what arises in this experience and answer the call as I go along.

I'd not had much fear of death even from an early age.  It was a gift that I couldn't and still cannot explain.  But, anyway - as Larry began to leave his body, slowly and not without pain, I noticed how that as his body, failing and broken wide open, as his spirit started to leave this failing body, that his spirit shined brighter and brighter, clearer and clearer.  He was the last one to pass in my presence, and I knew that it was not me but him who had the gift to give and that was that he would consciously die in my presence.  WHAT A GIFT.  I'm tearly with joy even as I write this.  It has been said that wise people will teach us to die well, and he did.

His teaching, even unto death, his clarity with which he approaced this happening was such a tremendous lesson in non-attachment to me.  His spirit/presence opened up and became more spacious as his limited and failing body left.  At one and the same time it was life/death.  I asked, where does one start and where does one end.  Some great master once said, “In my beginning is my end.”  Rilke says:

”Life and death: they are one, at core entwined.
Who understands himself from his own strain
presses himself into a drop of wine
and throws himself into the purest flame.”
     -Christmas, 1922

I cannot feel that he has left me, that he IS still in my experience, and even as his form has changed, that he is still with us.  He is free from his body, his worn-out, broken, lovely vehicle of his self-expression while here, and he calls that we become free too, even before as we journey down that road.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.  This has been cathartic to just be invited, to share, to process, to see even deeper.  I'm honored by all of life as it appears.
Satya-Seer / John

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aah thank you loved ones..
for your sharing…
for opening deaths door so wide
that we see more clearly what it is…

thank you for sharing
so we may walk in companionship

life on earth presents so much suffering
with this coming and going
our hearts cry tears
.. .the beautiful expression of our love
…as beautiful
as the laughter
which tinkles across earth…

each loving tale in this thread
is sacred
giving us the beautiful opportunity
to embrace one another
heart to heart
spirit to spirit

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December 23, 1994; it was 2 days before my son's first Christmas.  A friend of mine (nicknamed Dinky) was cheating on his girlfriend and they were both my friends.  I was angry with him because instead of him being honest with her; he hid his cheating. 

We talked that night and hashed it all out. He was truly remorseful.  I forgave him and he promised to come clean with my friend.  He spent the night at my house and before he left the next morning (Christmas Eve) he said he had a surprise for me that evening.  I found out later that he planned on going to the grocery store and purchasing enough food for all of our friends. We had talked about it the night before and he wanted to do that for me because I was not getting along well with my family.

After Dinky left my house; I got a phone call about 30 minutes later.  I was told that he had been playing witha gun and accidentally shot himself. I went to the house where he was and arrived just as the paramedics were wheeling his lifeless body to an ambulance.  He was gone and I lost control of my legs and sank quickly to the ground. I wanted to pay my respects at the funeral, but his family would not allow any of us to be there.  I had to send my love to him from home. We all gathered and said good-bye in our own way.  We played music and sat in a circle in my living room to take turns telling our most embarassing, funny, loving, and amazing Dinky stories.  It helped some of his friends move past the pain; at least some of it anyway.

My heart was closed for a long time; because I fed into his death being my fault.  I punished myself.  Now I know that I had no control over what happened.  There is a time for everyone.  Death is a natural product of life and must come around sooner or later.

Thank you for providing a place to share my story.  (Hugs to you all)

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Dearest Shea-Bird
My heart filled as I traveled close to you through this journey
- from the start to where you are now.
Wow - so much pain - such a powerful encounter - in life and in spirit!
What a journey… I sank to the ground with you
missed the funeral with you
and slowly am rising again with you…

thank you for sharing precious one
and giving the opportunity for such love and sharing

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Thank you for inviting me to the pod.  You just never stop amazing me with the love you spread here.

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.. love returning to itself…

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I'd like to share my experiences with death. I've had many of them. They've opened me up to the spiritual realm, so in the end, I learned so much from them. The major ones were:
- my brother (he was murdered on 5/5/03)… here is a blog I wrote about his passing. Then just in the past year alone, I went through these difficult times…  there was my family's dog, Mickey, (who was my favorite) getting visciously attacked by their other dog, and Mickey passing on shortly after the attack… there was my divorce (which was a death in my opinion), and my cousin dying in a car accident (he was only 31), my grandfather's passing, and witnessing my family's house almost burning down to the ground- here's a blog I wrote about that experience. All these experiences collectively “woke me up”. I was so very unconscious. Through these experiences I learned what was important in life (love and kindness and awareness (presence)). Through these experiences I've learned that life is so very short, that you could die at any minute, that you should live every day as though there may be no tomorrow, because there may not be. Through these experiences I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. Nothing is a big deal to me anymore, since I've seen the worst (in my eyes), and survived, so now I'm so very grateful for every day I have, every moment, all the people in my life, I'm so very grateful. It's funny in a way how things happen. These experiences have opened me up the the illusions of the world, to God being with me all the time, and all around me (everyone and everything), to us all being connected (I used to feel so separate). I no longer have fears, I have remembered my true nature. I believe I needed those experiences to “wake me up”. I believe I attracted them to me, through my deep unconsciousness. I am no longer unconscious. I am very, very present. I don't let my mind rule me anymore. I was so insecure, and had such negative thoughts, mostly about myself. All the quotes and books on my profile page helped me out so much, and still do. As hard as these experiences were to go through, I've become a much stronger person by going through them. I know if I hadn't of gone through them, I wouldn't have found my way here, or been opened up to the spiritual realm. I now believe this about death, and it brings me much peace:
From “Stillness Speaks”, by Eckhart Tolle:
“Many expressions that are in common usage, and sometimes the structure of language itself, reveal the fact that people don't know who they are. You say “He lost his life” or “my life”, as if life were something that you possess or lose. The truth is: You don't have a life, you are life. The one life, the one consciousness that pervades the entire universe and takes temporary form to experience itself as a stone or blade of grass, as an animal, a person, a star or a galaxy. Can you sense deep within that you already know that? Can you sense that you already are that?”

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Dearest Shell - I read your journeys through death and brushing with death and have visited your blogs. Thank you dear one for this sharing. Each time you journeyed authentically with the painful experience and through opening to the experience you were able to find peace and also learn so much. As you speak it feels almost as though there is distance from the experience - I believe this is because you rest so in what you have learned. The original pain replaced by your new experience

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Dear HummingBird,
Thank you so much for writing, and for your caring… it always means so much. Thank you for your friendship. That is so true what you wrote. I was able to find peace through those experiences, and I was also able to find myself. There is distance from those experiences now… I believe that to be true as well- about what I have learned through them. I have learned so much about life. I now see my world as so beautiful and friendly, when before I saw it as so cold, and was blind to its beauty. I used to feel so separate, I now feel so connected. Believe me, I struggled through those experiences, it was quite a journey… much, much journaling, talking, crying, resisting, depression, struggle, trying to figure things out, etc. etc…. which all led to where I am now… peace and happiness- truly. I'd have to say, the moment I surrendered to each of these experiences, was when I was able to begin my growth through them- together they all helped me out immensely and opened me up to the universe, to the moment, to the light, to peace, to God… they brought me home.

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sacred journeys Shell
- a play on words can create: scared journeys too :)
it all depends on how we respond.
And the tears, pain, sorrow are such important elements of this heart journey
- to be in touch with our feelings
- is the only way to open the door of the heart initiation

thank you for sharing and being so present here in Passing - you are valued, precious

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 Shell and HummingBird ,  You are such beautiful and radiant angels of love and light…  you have such strength and courage to be sharing the way you have. I honor you both. I send you love and ask the angels who are with you  right now to wrap their arms around you and give you a hug from me. there is a golden light surrounding you both 
 after reading your post ,I have felt your pain so deeply I just cry and cry, I know because I can see where your loved ones are .They are loved .they are happy .They love you.
a few months ago I saw my gandbaby leave ,I watched my daughter miscarry , I felt her pain, all of it… it happened while she was on the ultra sound so I saw it all happen ,every bit. I felt the childs pain as well. I could also hear when the heartbeat stopped. My daughter did not see it.thank God. I watched my Grandma die . I sat and rubbed her leg to try and warm it ,I prayed the rosery for her as she walked through the door to the other side. but before she went she suffered 7 generations of guilt and sorrow. I knew why, but it was not all of hers to take on, I tried to tell her but she did not understand, she does now. when I died after my 2nd head trauma , I stood before before God and it was so wonderful , there I was ,so wrapped in His love ,there was no judgement , absolutely none. there was nothing but pure love and pure illuminating light. and He wrapped me in it so completely that when I began to review my own life and I was the one who judged myself ,the reviewing was over in a split second. then it was time for Him to tell me the messages I was to bring back and the  gentleness with which they were given was nothing I have ever experienced here I learned there is nothing to ever fear in death . I do however have to say ,I am not as experenced with losing ,like my parents or husband or other close relatives. I did loose my beloved Sammy . she was my 18 yr old  ragdoll cat  who was my best friend in the world. she was like my child… she died in my arms … oh the tears are here again….oh well,  anyway Please know that you are a cherished blessing to all who know you . My love to you both.  Littledove  

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Dearest LittleDove
There has been so much suffering in your life. The pain of others mirror's your pain. You try so hard and so bravely to contend with what comes up for you, precious one.
You have learned to see and trust your vision. And you use this to guide others and provide other beings with a sense of warmth and assurance
thank you so much for this

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Bless you my dear precious cherished friend.. I do love you so..Thank you for your love 
 I wrote something I will share with you , It is called The Garden,  It is in my blog if you want to go see the picture. But this is a place where all people go to when they cross over . it is where they go to rest and heal and get attended to and to greet other loved ones who have gone before and so on… here it is. I hope it brings some comfort . Blessings to all  Littledove               The Garden                         Come…. find rest within the beauty of the garden.  Know that the Angels with their wings unfurled guard the golden land and every weary soul finds rest in God's Almighty hand. Feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and  allow the gentle breezes to soothe the worries in your heart and calm your spirit.  Listen and breathe, Listen to the song of the ocean as it waves in unison with the Heartbeat of the Earth Mother in a constant flow of grace. Hear the birds as they sing their songs of praise . And as the angels and  the winged ones fly with faith and freedom you too will spread your  wings and fly ,feeling the freedom from all your worries and your burdens.  Just leave them behind as you, the real you , rise high above the clouds on the wings of your eternal spirit , your soul ,which is a shining flame ,  rise up to where you belong ,  safely protected in the arms of your special angel. As you arrive you  become gently aware that you are in the Healing Garden ,The Temple of The Sun.  Look to the green that grows all around you, and at the beauty of the flowers , with their colors so rich and vibrant. Breathe in again and take in their fresh sweetness as you breathe in the breath of God. Feel the white wings of His peace enfold you as you feel the cool ,softness of the grass beneath your feet and listen to  the whisper of the leaves on the trees as they blow gently in the breeze. You are bathed within the colors of the rainbow to care for each individual need . Here is a place where all is known , where all is taken care of ,by his Divine Love and Grace .As you radiate in the glowing fire of His love , true peace and joy replaces your worries and pain for you have been healed by the light of ;Christ 's love here in the garden.                                    
   Sharon Littledove ( c) 2008 copyright all rights reserved

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Thank you LittleDove for sharing this vision - I am sure it will bring comfort to many
love to you

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Thank you so much LittleDove. Love to you too. What an experience you had- your near death experience. It's opened you up to so much. What a gift. That was such a gift you gave to your grandmother, to be with her as she passed on, and to be with your grandbaby as she was miscarried, and with your daughter. I'm sorry to hear of your pain, and your family's pain. You are a blessing to them, as I'm sure they all are to you. Thank you for sharing your stories. I believe animals are like our little people, so their passing is just as hard as a person's death is to us. Sometimes even harder. Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem “The Garden”. It is very peaceful and calming.
Love,
Shell

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My hometown newspaper showed the following headline today:
“Brain-Disease Battle Ends for Ex-Mayor”  How could the passing of a life be the “Battle Ends”?  To me, this is a terrible disservice to a life and and a terrible misuse of a metaphor.
Worse, the headline implies that the Ex-Mayor lost the battle.  That is not the truth at all – there was never a battle, only a dance.

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Dear Jim:

Since this was published in your local newspaper, which probably has an editorial feedback feature (as most papers do), why don't you take the opportunity presented to help to do some re-educating regards death and dying, and particularly around the idea that meeting dis-ease in the body is a “battle”, rather than a challenge, or perhaps even a blessing.  If you had any close connection with the Mayor and/or was aware of how s/he responded to this disease, (probably with grace and acceptance at some level), then the newspaper would be an ideal place to put a different face on that process.

Personally, I think it is extremely bad journalism for any newspaper to imply that the deceased Mayor (or anyone for that matter) was a “loser”.  Someone (hopefully you) needs to change that perception.

Just a few thoughts!

Blessings,

Gem  :)

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Yes, Jim, that is how we see it… however, in general, and sadly, the majority of population doesn't see it that way… in general, death is highly feared, so it is in fact looked upon in the way in which you describe, as the paper read.

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Dear Jim
I get the sense that you are angered and feel disbelief and pain over this response to life which you see as sacred?
love
HummingBird

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I am surprised that no one has written anything here since June 07?? I am a Hospice nurse in rural Minnesota and I love the work I do! I feel so very honored when a person lets me “into” their very private space and trusts me with their hearts desires.
My closest friend died 4 yrs ago this May. I adore her. I have always “felt” her with me and she has shown me many many times that she truly is!
I would love to reopen this pod….anybody out there????

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Hi Karenjo….

I want to thank you for being a hospice nurse. You are beautiful souls. When my father was dying, I struggled to get him out of the hospital and into a hospice. Through a supportive social worker, I was able to get him into a VA hospice in PA. It turned out to be the shortest stay the hospice ever had. We checked in. The last conscious moment my father and I had together was as I was signing all the papers he grabbed my hand which was on the gurney and he  squeezed lightly. He couldn't talk but he opened his eyes and I knew he was thanking me for caring for him during the last year of his life. We got up to his room and I was invited by the nurses to stay overnight in a spare room they had. At one point during the night one of the nurses came into my room to warn me that someone on the floor was getting ready to pass and there would be some activity and they didn't want me to get upset. Later, I left the room and ran ino that nurse who had tears in his eyes as he told me the gentleman had passed. He spoke so warmly of this person whom he had become quite friendly with during his time there. I was touched that his feelings for this stranger were so strong.

The next morning as I sat in my father's room, another nurse came in to check on him…and me. My father was unconscious but still breathing. Still, I didn't feel his presence in the room any longer and asked the nurse about this experience. She told me my father was getting ready to die and had left his body and was visiting the people he cared about. She suggested I go to lunch…that she would stay with him. As I sat having lunch I felt my father leave the earth. When I returned his door was closed and three hospice nurses came up to me to tell me he had died. They were so compassionate and kind and I'll always be thankful for the experience of my father's final 24 hours surrounded by nurses who understood the magic as well as the sorrow of that moment.

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Dear Karenjo
yes - indeed someone is 'out there' ;)
and also - yes - it is surprising more people do not use this particular post.
There seems to be a lot of fear around the subject of death and many only come to it - if at all - when they experience the loss of someone very close to them.

This means there is little real preparation for one's own death.
Which is strange considering it is not only a possibility - but an inevitability

Thank you so much for sharing - not only this sharing but the precious work you are doing
Please tell us more about it… your insights and experiences are be invaluable to us.
Losing your close friend increases the power of your experience…
because every passing - is a passing of someone's beloved.
Holding you in my heart as you experience the processes of bereavement
Please know we are here - and there is 'someone out there' to hear you

It is wonderful that you feel so close to your friend - that your love transcends the 'veil'

love to you

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Hello Everyone,

My first born, my son Donnie jr at four months old left here on 6-28-1979, I lived with that for many years. His mother knew something was wrong, Donnie had a little cough and she was worried about it and took him to our doctor and he said, ” You have a healthy baby boy, he just has a little cough ” A day or two later she took him to a regular baby doctor and he said the same thing the other doctor had said. The next day we took Donnie to the emergency room and that doctor said the same thing the other two did, ” You have a heathy baby boy he just has a little cough ”

The next day the cough was gone,when we went to bed that night Donnie started crying. As long as one of us was holding him on our chest and patting his back he was alright. When one fell asleep he would start crying and the other one of us would take him and hold him and pat him on the back. We took turns doing this all night, when I awoke at about 8 o' clock I asked what time did Donnie fall asleep and she said, ” around an hour or so ago I layed him in his bed ” a few mins. go by and she goes into Donnie's room to check on him and runs out yelling into the living room, ” my baby is dead ” our friend that had stayed the night had grab her and said, Kay little Donnie is not dead. I thought she had losted her mind.

I get up and walked right by Donnie's room into the living and told Kay the baby is not dead. I went into the baby's room and put my hand on him and I could feel he was dead, he was cold and hard. I thought I need to kiss him good-by I pick him up and brought his face up to my face and looked at his face and it was not Donnie no more. Blood had settle in his face and I could not kiss him.

For months when I walked by his room I would get scared and get bumps, one day as I was walking up to his room I said, ” I got no reason to be scared, I love my baby ” after that I was able to walk by his room or go in it without it bothering me.We had another son right away. But I held onto my first son for about 18 years, it was when I was in prison that I finally let him go.Now that is another story.

Your friend,Don

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Hi Don,

thank you for sharing your beautiful and touching story!

Each of us is on such a unique journey in life and each event that happens  is a valuable lesson that can open our hearts if we allow it to.

Your son's death, when shared with others moves you and those you share it with into a place of growth. For in life, we all know that death is imminent and deep down, it is something that is deeply important to all. Whether we say so or not, we all know we are mortal beings!

Sharing it allows you to bypass so many possible barriers to communications and get straight to a stranger's heart. It's the most genuine connection possible.

Many Blessings on your journey!

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Dear Don
thank you for sharing this moving experience with us.
You have taken us right to what it felt like to find your dead baby
and also shown us the shift internally which enabled you to embrace him
and begin your own journey of acceptance
Please continue to share with us
love
HummingBird

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Don, what stays with me
is how much loss you have gone through!
It is so hard to lose a child

much love to you

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This is an extract from The Milk Is White which I hope will lessen the burden of grief to those who have experienced, are experiencing or will experience the loss of a child:

“The death of children, and in particular, babies, is less easy for us to accept and explain than that of old people but if we look at this from the point of view that the soul departs when it has completed what it came to do, and that it is not a child, a baby or an old person, the difficulty lessens. The difficulty of acceptance is purely emotional. According to the Cayce Readings there are instances where the soul decides that it has made an inappropriate decision ‑ based on any one of a thousand reasons - or that something has changed that makes the original decision no longer valid or optimal, and withdraws from the body when it is in the womb or after it is born. This would explain miscarriages, stillbirths and cot deaths.

In regard to death in general, it must be noted that death has to have a physical 'cause' and that, to achieve this, illness or external factors eventuate. The latter could range from a physically traumatic to simple heart failure during sleep. Whatever the cause, it is tailored to suit the needs of departing person as well as the needs of those who remain behind. To illustrate we can take the example of a mother and a father who, whether there are children or not, have certain things to learn from each other in this life and have, as is always the case, chosen their current and future circumstances. One of the many things they have to work on is discord between them, in whatever gender capacity or relationship, in one or more previous lives and, in the present, they are not making the progress of which they are capable. One of the solutions to this is the advent of a child, and the loss of that child at an early age as this would present to them an opportunity to come closer together in grief, with the result that selfishness, hidden animosity or other negativity they have previously expressed can be dissolved, at least to some extent. Meanwhile a soul, most likely one previously closely associated with these two, volunteers to help them by being the child that is to be born and soon to die. This may seem to be relatively simple for the soul until we consider what it is like for a soul to 'enter' a little body, be born, and then grow with it. One can visualise this fairly easily but it more difficult to imagine the difficulty and frustration that must result from a 'mature' soul unable to express itself verbally and physically due to the limitations of a baby's body and brain. These difficulties and frustrations continue until adulthood. Comparing this with the simplicity of leaving the body it is obvious that being born is far more difficult than dieing.

In cases such as this the incoming soul is exhibiting a loving and caring attitude of selfless giving. In the case of older children or young adults the only difference is the time span and that the longer the time span the greater the possibility that the opportunity is taken to make the life a learning experience as well. Understanding this aspect of death could well eliminate feelings of doubt, guilt etc. suffered by parents of such children. In fact, the feelings could be quite positive.”

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Ian I agree with you, a little tiny baby is a great big Spirit!! This is what I was talking about at the end of my post when I said ..”that's another story.”  I did not accept my 4-month-old sons death until years later when I opened myself up to understanding spirit. I now realize he knew what he was doing, and that my suffering was caused from believing that we are only human.  I believed what was handed down to me from my parents and others who accepted what was told to them from their parents and so on.  I am so grateful I went to prison where I had time to reflect and find out that we are so much more then human! It was there that an older friend shared with me that we are a spirit in a human body, and this resonated as truth from deep inside.

About the little baby that is spirit, why they sometimes die or leave their body. If one could image being that spirit in the baby body and in the mother's womb and feeling your mother's thoughts. She is upset because she is alone, the father does not want her or the baby, or she does not want the baby or it's father. Can you just image what some of these babies go through while in the womb, the things that their mother can say and think while they are angry. If one only knew that a little baby is not just a little baby but a spirit with feeling, they would have kind and loving thoughts. We all already know that a childs feelings can be hurt from an early age but when does this start?

Your friend Don

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According to the Cayce readings the soul usually 'enters' the body (foetus) at any time before birth and sometimes even after birth and, as I ment it, the soul is affected by the mentality of family et cetera at any time after the 'decision' is made to 'enter' a particular body in that family. Bare in mind that it is the particular mental and physical 'environment' of the family that determines which soul 'enters' where.

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Thank you for sharing, Ian

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I joined this pod…oh, perhaps a week or so ago and this is my first time visiting and even now, I am thinking “I don't want to share!”

So much grief, so much processing, a lot (yet still, usually not enough) talking about it all.

My two major losses through death are the stillbirth of my first daughter - she would be 18 if she were among us, physically… and my brother, who died a year ago at 44 years old. He and I were 13 months apart and exceptionally close… perhaps because he had Down's Syndrome and of all our siblings I took the role of his Great Protector.

 I haven't talked about it much, but there was one really cool thing that happened as John died.  Mom called me to tell me right away because she knows how much I was intuiting things all along when John was sick. I would call her and say “Somethings going on, call the hospital” and sure enough, something would be up.

I was just pulling into the ARCO on 34th St. and H in Downtown, Bakersfield.

She gave me the news- briefly. Basically she said, “John died, can't talk.”

I stopped the car from moving and turned it off, threw my phone at Katherine (it was Spring break so I had all the kids with me) and I literally felt my soul rise up and out of my body, seeking after John. We had been so close our entire lives, I was only 13 months when he was born - how could he be somewhere without my protection?

I zoomed up so quickly but I was ok with it until something (I call it God) blocked my path andsmashed me back into my body. I mentioned this to Katherine for the first time recently and she said she remembers watching and it was really scary because the force coming down almost made my head bash into the steering wheel.  She, ofcourse, didn't know what that force was…what caused the force.

After finding my way back into my body… well, mostly back into my body….I laid my head on the steering wheel and cried with a force and with sounds I didn't know were in me.

It was one of those out of body things, where my sounds and
my tears were from such a visceral place and yet I continued to
feel detached from my body…. I felt, at times,
like I was floating above me, even as I was very aware of
my forehead on the steering wheel and my hands gripping it
and I knew there were cars coming in and out of the place
as I was sobbing very un-m animalistic sobs.

I took my time with grief this time…. and since that day last April, I experienced layers of loss on-top of that, not dealing with death but dealing with other major life losses.

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Dear Julie
thank you dear one for taking this reluctant but very open path of sharing with us
you spoke your heart about the moments of hearing about your brother's death
with such power and pain…
I can hear how traumatic it was for you
- wrenching you from your body
feeling you were in two minds.. shall I stay or go!
So beloved is your brother to you

and the loss of your baby
the grief undescribed
but deep

much love
HummingBird

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Hello everyone!
I have learned as a Hospice nurse that we as human beings, have put an “acceptable age limit” on dying.  We all seem to feel when a being leaves this body of ours at a younger age it seems an injustice of sorts.  People will say “they were so young”, “they had so much living yet to do” or in an older person “they lived a good long life”.  I have come to realize, a life is a life, no matter how long it is.  A baby that may only live a few mnutes, hours, weeks or months has had a full life.  Every second we are here is full.  No matter how long we are here, we “touch” so many with our beingness.  Don, I wish you had your beautiful son longer so you could touch him, smell him, hear him and see him,  just know, he had a full life with you. 
My father killed himself, using a gun, while drunk.  I now have a very loving, honest relationship with him.  I know his pain.  We all know pain, we all know we always have this “way out”  anytime we want it.  I don't know if I'm making any sense, all I can say, is I am so glad this pod is open again.
In light, Karenjo

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Hello dear Karenjo!
Thank you so much for sharing your insights regarding how people feel about age and death based on your hospice experiences.

In your short and concise writing
you tell about the tragic death of your father
having taken his own life
you convey your pain
and your fathers pain

I can hear something very special has developed between you and your father
which has also led you to have insight into suicide

much love
 

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Thank you so much, Julie and everyone
for sharing here

It's so important to be heard
It's funny….sometimes you can get solace and understanding from the most unexpected places.
By falling in love here on Gaia,
one thing that Anna and I have both learned
is that distance sometimes separates like minds
and a place like this
can bring them together to resonate

Anna and I found each other
to a large part because of our own losses
her with her own daughter Gra-anna
and me with my beloved grandma, Jopoa

Each of us on our journey of life
and death plays such a huge role in it

I loved Jopoa
as long as you perhaps loved your brother
and when Jopoa died
there was a revelation in her passing
I suddenly realized how her immense love and joy
that she shared with all beings
was an expression of healing from her own deep losses
and I realized that
my journey from the womb to the earth
is largely about this capacity to heal
through sharing my love with others

It is sobering to go through deep loss
When our hearts are open
we allow it to penetrate us
and it help wash away our doubts, hesitation and fears

We come out on the other side of life
with an amazing appreciation we couldn't have gotten otherwise
it bonds us together deeply
and shows us what it truly means
to come into this world as a human being

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Soul Friend invited me to join you all here and I am grateful that he extended his hand and heart in such a warm welcome. Thank you, Rick and I look forward to connecting with you and the others here.

Last summer I was providing hospice care to my father-in-law who died September 3rd with us at his side. I was able to blog a little about it while I was there. Wish I had know about this pod back then, but I do now and it is not too late so I will begin by sharing a recent story of loss in my life:

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Mary, thank you for this sharing… brought tears to my eyes.
Welcome to this space
I am glad you found us
so we may walk with you
much love
HummingBird

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this last monday (eight days before my birthday), my grandfather david passed away.  it was hard at first because it was so unexpected. i just cried for two days.  i think what made it hard was the fact that i didnt know him very well and it made me regret not asking my dad more about him or trying to go and see him.  then again, i was really mad.  i didnt even know he had existed until i was 9! even then i only saw him once.  i couldnt remember what he looked like or sounded like.  this is so different from when my papa wess died.  i had gotten to know him and we were really close.  today, it kills me inside when i can't remember the sound of his voice.  i never had that chance to get close to david or any of my other family members on my dad's side.  it makes me regret so much.  i regretted not going with my dad to see him in the hospital the day before he died.  i wanted to.  but i am not sure what held me back from asking.  my dad had not been as close as he would have liked with him either. but i am so happy for him that he went to see david before he died.  david even told him that he loved him.  i know that meant a lot.  that night my dads half brother and sister came to stay with us for a couple of days and told us all stories and showed us pictures. i was shocked to discover that david and i were closer than i had realized.  when i was little i would climb up into his arms and he would sing me irish lullabies.  i wish i had a recording of him singing too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral. apparently, he had a wonderful singing voice.

this week we had a barbecue comemerating his death (he didnt want a funeral) and i got to meet most of the rest of my family.  and then i realized that you have to take the bad with the good.  that the oppurtunity to meet all of these funny, amazing people was finally here, although lacking the one i was most intent on meeting.  i hope i get to see them again soon.  i know for sure that my aunt christine and uncle david will try to stay connected with us.  and i have hope for family reunions because my great aunt terry lynn wants to hold one every year because she says that it isn't right for her to have to be introduced to her own family.

i really miss my grandpa… but i have a new understanding of him. he was a good man, one who would make absolutely every one in the room feel included; one who could make every one laugh.  a man with the best of intentions who couldnt always follow through, even though he tried his best.

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Dear icka, I loved reading what you wrote about your grandfather. Here is how it is a gift to me. I have four daughters and nine grandchildren. I have one daughter and two grandchildren living near me. Everyone else is spread out from New York and even as far as New Zealand.

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dear susan,
 i know its late, but thank you so much for passing on your insight of how different the world is today.  i really thought that it was just my family who never stayed connected.  i hope your connection with your family and especially grandchildren last forever.

best wishes,
 icka 

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Dear icka, I am so glad that I had a moment tonight to log on and get your message. Life is moving very fast lately so I haven't had time to visit the site lately.! I have been thinking about you and wondering how the recent book in the Vampire series turned out. Is it as good as you expected? My granddaughter Iridian has a copy also but I haven't heard yet what she thinks. Hope you are getting excited about returning to school this year. When do you go back? With Love, Susan

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i actually started school yesterday… it has been okay, so far.
except i am having trouble seeing past a certain obstacle.

i put in to be assigned to a new locker because the one above mine has no bottom, and wouldn't be shut properly.  normally, if the locker could shut, ASB would just ziptie the lock loop.  this is to prevent students from opening the door and stealing the lower locker's possessions.  since the one above mine couldn't be shut, the day after i tried to get a new locker, someone opened that door, noticed my books, and stole every one except the french one.

my only question is, what would someone do with a stolen textbook? (they don't even cost money!)

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That sounds like an invasive experience, Icka

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Dear Icka
Thank you for sharing and reminiscing with us. I can hear how you are so valuing your relations and family members. You are gathering memories and treasures and miss those you have forgotten and those you were not able to witness yourself. You are grateful for the loving connecting you were able to have and you have regrets for that you wish now in hind sight you could have had.  The passing of loved ones has magnified your love for the beings in your life and your awareness has become sharpened.
Much love to you as you continue your journey. Thank you for letting us walk with you

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dear hummingbird,

thank you so much for starting this pod and inviting me to join it. i really needed it in this time. also, thank you for your words of kindness. they are much appreciated.

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Dear Icka, we are here to be with you. Thank you for being with us

Susan, thank you for your experience and wisdom

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I’d like to share “honey” with you.  Honey was my loving name for William Bradford Anderson (Brad) whom I met online in fall of 2006.  We became friends quickly, bonding over quirky humor and wicked puns, discussions of spirituality and politics, and sharing our raw insides.  Thanksgiving weekend, I took the risk of mentioning that I thought there was the possibility of heat between us - a step he’d been shying away from because of his knowledge of my history of sexual abuse.

Our relationship took off after that.  The second weekend of December he flew here to central Ohio from the Bay Area of California - we spent the weekend bonding, laughing, helping, healing and having a wonderful time.  When he went back, we spent hours on the phone and in chat just about every day - and in February of ‘07, I flew out to Silicon Valley to spend 3 wonderful weeks with him.

In the year and a half we were in relationship, we were together 7 times, travelling up and down most of the West Coast, to Massachussetts for the graduation of one of his sons from college, to various parts of Ohio - and to nooks and crannies that both of us loved.  The greatest exploration however was what happened between us.  Both of us carried intense wells of pain from the past - as well as scars from being really smart in a society that doesn’t always treat really smart people well.  We affirmed and supported and enjoyed the heck out of each other - and lavished a lot of tender loving care.

The second time I went out to visit him in California, he had a couple seizures the day I was supposed to leave.  When I finally got back to my house a week later, he called terrified that his brain was melting down, and telling me that I had to come back immediately.  Eventually, I found out that he was really drunk - hearkening back to the drinking history that was part of his marriage breaking up more than a decade earlier.  I kept supporting him in getting help from someone other than me - which he was really reluctant to do.  He came for a wonderful visit over Christmas of ‘07, but our relationship was fraying around the edges.

We continued to have long talks and chats - but finally things came to a head just after Easter the end of March, and I broke up with him in early April.  We were both committed to remaining friends - and continued to chat online almost every day.  I sensed him spiralling down into a very difficult place physically, spiritually and emotionally - his cynical distrust of any framing of “God” was especially haunting him.  I supported him as best I could under the circumstances - and worked hard at staying present with myself.

In late June - he stopped answering my pages.  I had just begun to try to track down what was going on, when I got a call from his ex-wife that he’d been found dead in his bathroom.  The coroner eventually ruled that it was a heart attack.

I miss him intensely.  I’m profoundly grateful that he’s out of the black hole that had been sucking him in at the end of his physical life.  I know that with confidence because I’m more in touch with his soul than any of many other people I know who have died.  He continues to be impulsive and strong - the same ADD lawyer trained, briliant huge heart that I knew in life.  Painfully and beautifully he shares with me some of his most precious experiences of our times together.  It’s odd and awesome to have such clear connections to his side of our relationship.

I am so thankful I found this pod through following Soulfriend - Rick - here.  Having Hummingbird’s support - and reading some of your many experiences have been lifelines in the midst of a gorgeous and yet thrashing sea of change and grief.

blessings and love -

Sylvia

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Dear Sylvia,

my sincere condolences in the loss of your “Honey”.

I am glad you shared your story together with us, and you
certainly were blessed to have those special times together.

I think you gave him the most special gift of all, your love.
It must have been so hard for you when he slipped back and
I would imagine you had already done a large amount of your
grieving, when he went downhill again.

It is so sad that happened, yet I guess it was meant to be and
I know for sure that it would have been much harder losing him
if everything had still been perfect between you-
so perhaps that is why is happened?
Maybe deep inside he knew he was going to die and he spared
you extra pain.

And you can feel happy for him, that he is free from the demon's
that drove him.

Sharing always helps ,and there are many, many of us here that
have felt that pain of loss, and I can see that you know that.

Time will soften that pain and I wish you every happiness in
you future path.

Peace , love and blessings,

Sandy

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Hi, Sandy - Thank you for your reply.   Grief is a path that I've spent a lot of time on - and I especially appreciate your words about time “softening” more than lessening the pain.

I experienced a lot of ambivalence from him the last weeks of his life - both clinging and attempts to deal with our break-up.  He was really clear that he continued to love me - and that he didn't see that changing.  I've certainly felt his love since he died.

I'm sad that he was unsuccessful in facing the demon of alcoholism while in his physical body - I'm aware that he faced others in ways that were gifts to me as well as himself.

blessings -


Sylvia

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Dear Sylvia
Thank you for bringing your journey and grief to this pod so we may walk with you here.
It has been very precious receiving your wisdom insights and also your open sharing of your pain.
It is a process, this loss of a beloved and time seems to be the kindest healer of the pain.
Your journey is still so new and there is still some way ahead.
There has been so much loss 
- the pain of the separation followed by the death of your beloved,
preceded by witnessing the effects of your beloved's alcoholism.
This journey has taken its toll on you while at the same time may have assisted in preparing you somewhat for the final departure.
As Sandy suggests; 'I would imagine you had already done a large amount of your
grieving, when he went downhill again'.
You remember the jewels along with the tough times.
What seems to be present with you consistently is the sense of love which you shared.
much love

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Hello All,

Akbar from South of India. From a different geographic location and culture, still I can apprehend the pain of Sylvia. The ambivalence exists with everyone atleast sometimes, (if I am right). The love of them is eternal. That love alone can soften the pain. And this sharing will certainly made that pain, fade a bit. Time alon can heal. What I have said is same that Sandy and HummingBird have said.

Now I will give you a link, where you can download audio files of “Thiruvasagam - a Symphonic Oratoria” by my Ilaiyaraaja. This Album will also heal the same kind of pain.
Indeed, Thiruvasagam - is collection of verses written during 10th Century by a Saint Manickavasakar on Lord Shiva and reaching the GOD after death. Now, Ilaiyaraaja has selected some verses and set them to musical tunes with a backing of a symphony orchestra.

In the link page, below the image, you can find downloadable files. First being “Muthu Natramam” and las t being “Umbarkarkarasey”.

The 2nd “Polla Vineyan” and 4th “Poovar Senni” will certainly make you move and after few hearings you may feel a sense of healing of many wounds and pain in your heart. The 2nd polla vineyan has some English translation of the Tamil Verse.

Musical way of healing the pain. Hope it will work in your culture too. But bit of exotic sounding need your patience.

Below is the link:
http://www.123musiq.com/Tiruvasagam.htm

Musically loving Akbar

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Hi, Hummingbird and Akbar - thank you for your loving responses.

As far as Brad's alcoholism went - partly because we were physically so far away from each other I actually was really uncertain about how much he was drinking until after he died.  The break-up was an issue of my being unwilling and unable to be both his partner and the focus of his emotional and spiritual support.  I guessed he might be actively drinking but I didn't know for sure.  Part of the complications of my grief have been finding out various missing pieces a little at a time over the last couple months.  They mostly confirm what a difficult place he was in when he died.

Akbar - when I have access to a faster connection I look forward to following the link you shared - currently I'm using dial-up and it would take quite a while.


blessings -


Sylvia

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“Part of the complications of my grief have been finding out various missing pieces a little at a time”
love, in some ways it sounds like your journey started with Brad's death
love
HummingBird

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Hi, Hummingbird - it has certainly become a different journey since he died.  I am mourning the break-up a little at a time.

It is fundamentally important to me in this journey to be grounded in love - for myself, for him, for others connected with both of us - and to be as real as I can.  When I touch on gratitude on the path, that is a gift and a blessing.

I'm glad to see your pixels this morning - how are you?

gentle blessings and peace -


Sylvia

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Hi Sylvia
My flue is a lot better now, thank you.
This  journey you have embarked on is so mixed with pain and love.
You also insist on recognition of the sacredness, preciousness and integrity of this journey
much love

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Hi, Hummingbird - glad your flu is better <gentle smile>.


Yes, this is a sacred journey.


much love to you, too -


Sylvia

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Thank you, Sylvia
It seems the more we are able to enter the heart and guts of a painful (or any) situation - the more powerful it becomes

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Hi, Hummingbird -

http://peacehealer.gaia.com/blog/2008/8/uncoupling  yes - I think I'm entering the guts <rueful look>.


I just hope to become as attuned to the guts of joy as of grief.


I have genuinely connected with the humor and whimsy of things the last day or so - that's something I've missed the past few weeks.


Tonight it's mostly back to the sorrow.


love flowing -


Sylvia

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I will visit the site you posted, Stlvia
Holding you in my heart in these painful moments

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Hi, Hummingbird - writing about and flowing through the sorrow is helping me shift to other spaces.


*thank you* for your presence in the process -


as a dear reiki friend says -



peace to you this night (morning, day …?) -



Sylvia

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Flowing with the process does seem to be so crucial, doesn't it, Sylvia
much love

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Hi, Hummingbird - yes, flowing with the process does seem crucial - both in terms of resiliency and in terms of energy clearing.

Others have thoughts on flow and grief?


peace and love -


Sylvia

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Oh!  Sylvia, dear Sylvia,

You spoke of flowing through the process in order to shift to other spaces, and then asked if others have thoughts on flow and grief.

I sit here quiet for awhile.  A loooong while.  I just came back from reading your original post, and the deep pain and sweetness and promise in it (clear connections!!), leave me breathless.

The two most important things, I think, I've ever learned about grief is to go with the flow.  And stay in the moment.  Going with the flow, being in the flow, not struggling, letting the tears come when they will for as long as they will, letting the tears wipe your face clean your heart a little more open.  Always, a little more open.  There's great, no amazing strength in the open heart!  As with staying in the moment.  The sweet eternal Now. 
I think those are the two most important things I have ever learned about grief. 


Who have I lost?  All of my brothers and my sister, early in life they were young adults sometimes young elders, weird totally unexpected ways of passing that left this big whaaaaaaaaat? roaring around inside.  My sister.  She was only 28.  I was in high school and I could not stop crying, I cried for days and days, I got in trouble for crying so much forpetessake. 

The day years and years later that the call came in to my mother, telling her that her third child had just been killed, I was there.  So who can sleep, I laid on the living room floor that evening and stared off at nothing really.  And then I had this vision!  Not a see-with-your-eyes vision, but my whole being lit up…and there was my adored brother, I couldn't “see” him I knew it was him in such peace and happiness, he was radiant, unutterably beautiful, and I thought oh oh oh my god, Mick is at peace!! 

The color of radiance has been my favorite color ever since.

And then there was the time we were driving away from my father's funeral.  I'd gathered some of his old familiar clothes from the closet, an old soft woven woolen shirt, and wept into them on the long drive back to San Francisco.  The car was heading west, due west, and then I saw the sunset.  It stretched from horizon to horizon, have I ever seen a more radiantly alive sunset?, and I knew it was speaking to me of my father.  OMG, maybe it was my father speaking to me.

Oh.  Oh, yes.  And then there was my daughter.  She wasn't born yet.  But her name was Sarah.  I could not stop crying, they rolled me into the emergency room, my own doctor was nowhere around off on vacation or something there was this cranky strange doctor, and I got in trouble, I got in trouble because I could not stop the tears.  …  I've decided that Sarah now lives in the gorgeous blooming acacia tree out in front of my home, the tree I planted that year.  All of these fragrant blossoms fall on the sidewalk, I am out sweeping them up, pressing my face into them; and I carry the Sarah blossoms into the back garden, where they mulch and protect and carry the scent of the acacia all around the house.

You know?  I like argued with HummingBird when she invited me to this pod.  Oh Oh, it's very kind of you, thank you, but, like, I really don't really have, you know, have any stuff to talk about.

Sorry.  I may have talked too much.  I didn't know, didn't realize.

Now I am taking care of my mother in the final days months years of her life.  Unfair!! I thought when I got that dreaded phone call almost two years ago:  “I can no longer live by myself.”  Why me?  Unfair!  I'm not the rich one, they were the rich ones, I have to reach into my own savings because mother never saved a penny in her life?  Unfair!!

And you probably suspect, yes?, that being my mother's caretaker has been one of the most grace-filled experiences that I ever had continue to have.  It has not been easy, but it has been effortless!  With what ease I shop carefully for her, help her into her chair, take her shoes and socks off in the evening, run errands, sit and laugh and laugh in the evening at the dining room table.  I move into worry when I think about “what's next.”  So I don't go there.  I refuse to worry.  I stay now. 

Yeah.  When I rest in the FLOW, and offer my prayers and intentions and wild appreciation for all the phenomenal goodness that is everywhere in everyone if only they will let it out, WOW.  This blast of joy expands through me!  Has life ever been more wondrous?  In this red-hot joyous NOW, no.  No it has not! 

There's something about grief.  About pain.  About the cracks they cause, and how the light can get in through the cracks.  About how we are stronger at the broken points.  Something Hemmingway said once.  And Leonard Cohen.

I have been blessed by grief?  What an odd thing to say.  But it's true, isn't it.

Flow….  Yes!    Into the space of utter freedom and expansion and open-hearted expectation.  Of goodness beyond our wildest dreams.

Peace.
Jeannie

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Jeannie, thank you for resonating with Sylvia
and for your sharing.
Goose bumps as I read your post!
This morning I posted a blog
- I had you and Sylvia and my experiences of my daughter's suicide
and so many others
on my mind as I wrote

Jeannie as I read your post
two things pop out
and ride on the waves of these powerful, tragic and also beautiful life tales you share here
one - you got into trouble for crying those tears
two - you saw amazing colours and radiance
which connected you with the sacred

I feel the pain you felt for each family member who passed on
… and your precious baby…
- how powerfully you have connected with that pain
and  allowed the experience to flow
- it's like a waterfall
crashing down and creating a rainbow.

Now - its your mother
- how gracefully you are poised in this moment
- even as the tear runs down your cheek

much love

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My Dearest Sweet Jeannie,

OMG ! OMG! The tears are flowing from my heart and down my face and I have lost all control. I can't even think straight!

I joined the “Passing” pod a short time ago. I stop by often and read others stories of grief but have been unable to share my loss and how it has shaped who I am. .

I saw you there and started to read your post and the flood gates opened and I could not stop.. You shared your heart without reservation, uplifting my very being with your every word. Because of your courage, I can no longer stay silent.

You mentioned you learned about grief as being in the moment. I find the only way through my grief is to be in the moment as well..if I dwell in the past it brings misery..if I imagine what might have been, it brings misery!!

I lost the only child I would ever have. Her name was Monique Marie. She passed at birth. I shed an ocean of tears for my dear girl, but as time went on, I came to understand that the short time she was here was all the time she needed. Excepting that reality, gave me peace. In 2002, I lost my beloved Terrell of 35 years. He told me during the last days of his life he had completed what he needed to accomplish here and it was time for him to make his transition. I could not understand, nor believe that I should stay here without him. I sat in a chair for two weeks and cried ‘till I could cry no longer. I pulled my pitiful self up from that chair and decided if I was to remain here, I'd better figure out why!

I spent a few years muddling along believing my only purpose was to serve others, not believing I could ever be happy again.

Finally one day ( I'm not sure when), I was meditating and Terrell's voice was so clear to me, yet it was my voice ringing in my ear telling me The pity party is over!!! It was time to embrace life and experience all of its beauty to the fullest…time to come out of my cave and drench in the sun light…time to weep tears of JOY… and share the love I had been hoarding  for so long !!

My dearest Jeannie, you have given me the courage to let it flow and share my grief… I sooo love you for that  !!!

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Dear Diane
Thank you so much for opening the flood gates of your heart for all to learn from and be inspired by. I am so happy to see Jeannies open heart, opening hearts. This is  the gift which grows from being willing to share with integrity. Now in turn you gift others with a bridge to cross an abyss which may have appeared too wide, too deep or too dark before.

There seems no way other than 'facing the monster' - when it comes to grief or fear - or any living with integrity. Makes me think of the tale of Beauty and the Beast. How the beast was transformed by Beauty's kiss. Acceptance and embracing what life brings,  creates strength and power beyond description. A new awareness is born.

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The color of radiance has been my favorite color ever since.

Hi, Jeannie - this is such a beautiful image.


Thank you - for sharing your siblings, your mother, your self with us - and for evoking the flow of lots of feelings.


I didn't feel your post was too long at all!


[loving radiance flowing]


Sylvia


I apologize for taking a little longer to respond - Gaia ate my first attempt [wry smile]

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Last night I shared some the grief experience of losing loved ones, however I did not mention my father. I have never shared this with anyone until now, because I held him so close to my heart for fear I might loose that treasured time. Thank you all for being here for me !!!

Growing up I was the oldest of five and Daddy's little girl. I spent much of my young life trying to please him and make him proud of me. It's not that he thought I was a failure but he pushed me to succeed in everything I attempted.. He was a perfectionist in the true sense. If I would have a bad grade, which I often did, he would tell me he knew I could do better!. I never quiet made the grade, but I kept trying anyway.

When I reached the age when it was time to go out on my own, my Dad took it hard. He would often say to me, “if it doesn't work out , you can come home”… He would stop by to ask if I needed help, even when I did, I wouldn't let him know.

My mom and dad divorced after 25 years of marriage and then my dad remarried a very young woman. When she died a few years later, I went to him and cared for him until he got back on his feet. Dad remarried another young woman a few years later. She was a blessing for him. He became ill and deteriorated very fast. She took care of his every need with love and compassion, while protecting his dignity.

She called me one evening in October of 2005 and said ” Your Dad would love to see you”. Something inside of me felt this was urgent. I called my sisters and brother. My sister, Nanette, and I drove straight away to see him. When we arrived he was so weak and seemed to have aged over night. He was frail, yet his eyes beamed as we entered the room. We each took some time alone with him because he was so weak and could barely speak. We did not want to tire him. When I came near to him, he gently caressed my hand and whispered how proud of me he was and that he loved me with all his heart. He asked me to forgive him for being so hard on me. I just looked at him lovingly and held him to me and told him how much I loved him. We just sat together for a long time quietly holding hands and listening to the birds outside his window.

My brother, Tee, soon arrived from Florida. He had driven all night, but wanted to see Dad right away. Nanette and I felt it was too much for him to have all of us there so we headed home. I did not want to leave him. I knew in my heart it would be the last time I would see his gently face. I held my tears until we got into the car and then my sister and I cried all the way home.

My brother sent his wife and my stepmother to town to pick up a few things, then Tee returned to Dad. Tee said Dad smiled and thanked him for being there, and how blessed he was with his children…then drifted away. We each had our time to say good bye in our own special way.   More than all the years with my father, non were more precious than those last moments with him.

After sharing this with all of you, I realize I can never loose that treasured moment. My tears are streaming down my face beyond control, but not for the loss, but for the love and the gratitude I feel. My heart is overflowing with such an abundance of love it must be felt by all of those we have ever lost………

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Diane - I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face - thank you for the flow of your sharing.

I had a rather complicated and painful relationship with my mom.  Ten years ago, I moved back to this house where I grew up, because she had been diagnosed with lung cancer that had already moved to the brain, and given at the outside 2 years to live.  The 20 and a half months that followed were quite challenging - and filled with awesome times.  I rarely felt safe enough to touch mom - but I cared for her in all the ways that I was able, including helping her to the bathroom after she broke her hip near the end.

One of the most difficult pieces for me to process was not really having verbal closure - and not being physically present when she died.  The story you shared about your dad helped me connect with the last time I saw her - and several of the other more precious moments over those months - and to help the feelings flow.


Thank you - *deeply*


Sylvia

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HummingBird, Diane, Sylvia,

Ahhh, it is as if my heart has broken wide open.  After I posted, I retreated … to nature, to silence, to a profound place of deep peace.  To sit and allow.

Why is it so healthy to weep together??  Oh Diane, Diane, my precious sister.  I read your words - I rush to your side!  Sylvia, HummingBird, Diane — all who are here in the tenderness of their hearts — how profoundly moved I am by you, the courage of your stories.

Well, you know, I always knew whatitwas about emotions such as anger.  On anger I am very clear!  That to hold anger is to slowly poison ourselves.  But I never got it, until now, that the same is true of grief.  Grief is a kind of poison too.  A stuck place.  A place where the heart never really can open, where expansion ceases.

So Love.  Is “love” an emotion?  A construct of the ego, an illusion?  I think of the head-over-heels discussion going on here, and I have to smile.  Love (no reference needed to the 40 volume dissertation defining describing it) is our essence, is it not?  Seems like any emotion other than sweetness is the illusion, a dimming turning-away-from the essence.

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Diane
Thank you for having the courage to share

What I see in my minds eye is your inner child

… there's a secret jewelry box which you kept hidden for the longest time
- perhaps in a crevice in a rock in your secret garden
or wild place no one else knows of

you bring out this box of rare precious jewels and say
'here - see here'
and we get to see these sacred jewels
which were formed long ago
when tears were released from the heart
(rather than being held captive in 'won't go there land')
- tears which grew from the nectar of love
- precious love for daddy

this love which enabled you to see all his flaws and errors
as precious and best intention for his little girl.

releasing him and yourself

so you can each walk your sacred paths
which allows the essence of your love
to be the music of your heart
inspiring the next step and the next… forever…

Diane, I feel to share this with you
- perhaps because I am so aware of your inner child right now
and also because I also Iost my dad

Sylvia, thank you for your sharing
You do share courageously.
It's not easy to look frankly at the past
which cannot be changed.
Opening, probing and processing the dark places along with the light
requires integrity and courage

I feel the pain which the loss of your mom has brought you.
It sounds like there already had been so much loss
for so long
in the complicated painful relationship between you.
That last period when you found it so hard to feel safe enough to touch your mom
and be close
- this was not born out of a vacuum.

The sense of not having had the closure you so long for
- followed a long history of unfulfilled yearnings
of what you so wished your mom could have been for you as a parent.

You so wished you could have done more.

'I cared for her in all the ways that I was able, including helping her to the bathroom after she broke her hip near the end.'

'One of the most difficult pieces for me to process was not really having verbal closure - and not being physically present when she died.'

Was it possible to have verbal closure, Sylvia?
Could you have resolved your mom's life and it's impact on your relationship in those last moments?

You work with and process the pain
created from wounds of a life lived
Your mom lived differently from what you would have chosen for her
One cannot live another's life for them

You did your best. Your work with your self is ongoing gifting to your mom who's presence you carry. What more could a mother wish for her child?

Willow in the Wind, Jeannie,
thank you for your open heart
I think of you as one who has had open heart surgery
and told the doc, 'no! don't stitch me up again - this is who I am now'

This is the sound of OM
it's this vibration we call resonance
which creates true union of hearts

This is what I'd like to share with you
I have not yet read the blog you refer to - but the subject of love brings this to mind - and perhaps this.

Diane, Sylvia and Jeannie - I spent over an hour writing to each of you - then guess what!
The power went off and I lost everything…
I have written again and hope I have not lost anything

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HummingBird, HummingBird,

I have just come from the journey of Love that you have guided me towards.  Like a little trail of bread crumbs of joy.  A little link here, a little link there, and now my face is covered with tears, and my heart?  My heart??  If my heart gets any bigger, I am going to float away.

(OH.  Would that be levitating??!  eeeeeeeeee  Much better than cartwheels!!)

What a blessed journey you are taking us on!  I often write too many words.  But I am speechless with appreciation, and reverence.  Your wisdom, your generosity, are profound.

Peace and Oceans of Love!!  and JOY!
Jeannie

I am suddenly very quiet.  All this transformation came about because, because I opened up and let all my stagnant hidden grief out into the air, the light?  Not quite.  You were there.  You were there to catch all of our grief not just mine, and cradle it, and soothe it, and let it fly away like a butterfly.  Or a hummingbird………

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Jeannie, you have had so much grief
it sounds like you are matching it with joy

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Dear Sweet Sisters Jeannie, Sylvia, and HummingBird,

Each day that I come to this pod,  I am overwhelmed with the courage and openness you have shared. So many tears…so much pain…and yet out of that you emerge like the phoenix to be reborn with golden wings soaring through life touching others with inspiration, healing, gentleness, tenderness, wisdom, support, encouragement and love… thus allowing each of us to be reborn from the ashes of own grief to become the phoenix and so it goes……born then reborn by the actions of Love!!

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Thank you, Diane
for sharing your feelings of wonderful inspiration.

For those who do not feel this way
- this is fine too!

There are times when we experience grief
and we need to
and have no choice
because it is so overwhelming

It's all part of the journey

much love
HummingBird

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I have not lost a child, nor would I be able to even begin to concieve the grief that would be felt. I am sorry that you have lost a child, and probabally one of the most precious things on earth.
I have however lost two of the most important people to have ever graced my life with thier presence. In 1996 I lost my favorite Aunt to cancer, I was unable to go to her furneral services, due to it was in another state. The grief I felt was very deep and misunderstood by my husband at that time. In Feburary of 2000, my Uncle had passed away, this time I made it to his furneral services, only after he came to me in a dream, to say goodbye and I love you, he also expressed that he had a gift for me, but I had to go to Omaha, Nebraska.
        I found a way to Omaha, and attended his services, and felt closure for him, but I felt closure for my Aunt as well. Bills' gift was a two part gift, the first being reintroduced with my estranged Mother, whom I have spoke to very little, over a span of 25 years. The second gift that Bill had given both me and my Mother was a bonding that only a loss of each other would break.  
  This bond was made when visiting the old properties that my Grandmother had left to he five daughters, I had not seen any of the properities since the time I was a young teenager. One property was the hardest one to see. This last property was what broke my family up so many years ago,  To finish with the gift my Uncle had promised was to ability to see what led to the breakup of my family. Abu se both physicall, mentally and sexual abuse over a period of years. This abuse had lasted several years, til my removale from the family I had known.
  In closing, I just want to mention, even though a death is hard to take, there are gifts that may show themselves, or may not be noticable, but they can be felt.  I am so sorry about the lost of your family member, but I am sure there was some type of gift left,
Carrie

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Dear Carrie
Thank you for sharing your precious journey with us which has been about loss which also brought about gifts. One of the gifts has been deep connecting and healing with your family and it's history.
I can hear how you treasure each gift you have been given and how although your beloveds left, you feel a powerful connection with them.
There have also been lonely times, as when your husband did not understand your grief.

Thank you too for caring about the loss of others, including mine.
Yes, I have been given many gifts too

much love dear one

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Hi, Carrie - reading of the gift of healing in your family through your uncle's death and visit to you are really precious and beautiful to me - thank you.



blessings and love -



Sylvia

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I would just like the share the memory of my dear friend,
Lorraine.
To make a special liile post here, just for her.
Lorraine passed away  almost a fortnight ago- and it was very sad.
She had battled MS for over 35 years and was very frail-though
her spirit was still strong.
She lost her life due to the complication of pnemonia-
so I guess at least it wasn't the MS that got her in the end-
a small battle won.
At her wishes, there was no service, her family and closest
friends gathered together and took a boat trip up her favourite river.
At the mouth of which her ashes were sprinkled on the ingoing tide.
She wanted to have the journey in, before heading out with the
tide to the ocean.
It was very special, and we all wish you peace for ever after, Lorraine.
Love Sandy
xxx

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Dear Sandy
Thank you for posting this dedication here
and for sharing the very precious ceremony you held for the passing of your friend who battled with MS for such a long time, who was frail in body but whose spirit was/is recognised by you
Holding you in our hearts at this time
 

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When I joined this group I was thinking about a gift that my grandmother had given me after her passing. I'm glad you brought up the idea of gifts, Carrie.

I called off an engagement about a year before my grandmother died. She and I were very close. She called us 'kindred spirits'. I considered her the closest person in the world to me. My grandmother had been sick for years, and had moved to another city to be near my aunts who were retired and could visit her at the nursing home more often. Because of her fatigue, my visits were always very short. I never brought up the engagement. I was over it and there were many other more important things that I wanted to talk to her about. I later realized that it sort of bothered me that I never knew how she felt about it - if she was disappointed, or proud.

A few months ago my aunt brought over some old pictures that she was going through with my mom and I. There was one of a man, and a note on the back to her. Underneath, in her handwriting, it said “The man I should have married”. (My grandparents were divorced after about 20 years of marraige, and stories of there tumultuous relationship were not sugar-coated). I felt that this really gave me the closure I needed - my grandmother recognized that she made a mistake when she got married, and I knew then that she was proud of me for not making the same mistake that she had.

Thank you all for sharing, and for allowing me to do the same.

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Thank you AllieP for sharing the gift you received from your grandmother. Also thank you for the sense of gentle love for her which shines through. It is wonderful to think of how you called off an engagement which would have brought unhappiness and in doing so you were perhaps breaking patterns of those gone before you
much love
HummingBird

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Going with the flow sounds like a good idea.  Actually going with it is more difficult than fighting against the current.  I'm not an agry bitter person, but in the last few months I've felt things that have made me ashamed.  I'm an optimist, but for the last few days I haven't been able to find even small glimmers of joy.  I went through a whole month without crying, because I was afaid that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop.  I was wrong, I can stop.  This pain I feel in my soul is more intense than any physical pain I have ever felt.  I feel like I'm going through some kind of bizarre reverse labour.  The difference her eis that I was only in labour for 12 hours when I had had Carla.  This feels like its going to last forever. 

So I'm trying to let go, teaching myself to breathe through it, and experiencing it moment by moment.  One day I will be able to say, “hello my little sadness” but not today, not for a while.

For now I am experiencing this process they call grief, in all its ragged splendour.  There's no way around it, you have to go through it.  Just imagine the longest tunnel ever, with a small pinpoint of light at the end.  Sometimes the tunnel bends and the light disappears.  Just keep going they tell me, it will get better.  One day you will be able to smile when you remember her.  One day you will heal.

I look forward to the view when I eventually emerge from this tunnel.  I think it will be good, and I hope the sun is shining that day.

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Dear precious one
Your post to our group has filled me with such a resonance for  the tremendous pain you are going through.
Your words, I've felt things that have made me ashamed, reveal the difficult demands you have been placing on yourself. Going with the flow is more about accepting the pain rather than feeling you should be responding in a different way. There is no short cut in this grief thing.

For now I am experiencing this process they call grief, in all its ragged splendor.  There's no way around it, you have to go through it.
These powerful words of yours are so true. Here you are looking at a broad landscape called 'grief'

Just imagine the longest tunnel ever, with a small pinpoint of light at the end.  Sometimes the tunnel bends and the light disappears.
Here you depict how things feel in this moment and are zooming into a moment in your grieving experience.

So I'm trying to let go, teaching myself to breathe through it, and experiencing it moment by moment.  One day I will be able to say, “hello my little sadness” but not today, not for a while.
Your inherent wisdom guides you. And in this time we walk with you dear one. Please share with us here or mail any of us when you wish to share.

sending you so much love

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First of all, thank you HummingBird and everyone else for creating and maintaining this Pod. Although this is the first time I've actually posted something on it, it has been very valuable to me. :)

I'm posting today because tomorrow marks my mom's 57th birthday. I am so grateful for my friend Kala who, without my even asking her, has agreed to accompany me to visit the cemetery where my mom has been buried at. Kala is also treating me out to a movie and tea, because she knows it'll be an emotional day for me. She's an amazing friend. :)

My mom passed on November 22nd, 1994, when I was 8 years old, and I'm 22 (almost 23) now. She had lung cancer which spread lymphoma, and to this day the smell of cigarette smoke drives me crazy. It also often upsets me how little I remember of her. I can no longer remember her voice or the specific details of her face, and since I was only 8 I never was able to have an adult conversation with her or get to know her very well. I want to know what she'd look like right now, at a magnificent and beautiful 57 years old. I wish I could've gotten to know her better.

And yes, I definitely know that life goes on and that I have to hold on to and be content with what memories I have of her, but as you all know, it's so damn difficult sometimes. But I am grateful that my grieving process of her has made me an incredibly compassionate, understanding and empathetic person. Without dealing with grief as a young child, I probably wouldn't have been so determined to go into a career that aims to help others. So for that, I am eternally grateful. It's amazing, though, how more than a dozen years later, the grief can still be so overwhelming. And I almost enjoy the sadness in an odd way, because it makes me feel closer to her. ::shrug::

I have a couple annual traditions I usually do during this time of the year, and my favorite tradition is making and eating angel food cake in her memory. I came up with this idea probably when I was 10 (because my Mom is Catholic and believes in heaven and angels), and it's been a tradition for me since. Today I have to go to the store and get the cake; I already have the whipped cream and strawberries, and friends and roommates to help me eat it. :)

Thank you again for a place for me to share. I hugely appreciate it, and I wish all of you love and peace for the days to come.

In gratitude,
Jenna

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Dear Jenna
Tomorrow is a special day and 22 November is also a special memorial day for you. It is wonderful that you have a friend like Kala who is at your side at times like this.

You find it sad that you never knew your mom as an adult. Because you were only 8 years old when mom passed on, many memories about your mom are lost to you.

Your sorrow has helped unfold your compassion for others and also makes you feel closer to mom. In a sense the existence of your sorrow is like a bridge which connects you with her presence In as much as it is painful, it is also a treasure. You do special things this time of the year where you hold her in your heart.

Thank you for sharing your heart

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A song of Joy … written so long ago, for Gra-Anna, for all of our loved ones …
 

On the day I die, when I'm being carried
toward the grave, don't weep. Don't say,

He's gone! He's gone. Death has nothing
to do with going away. The sun sets and

the moon sets, but they're not gone.
Death is a coming together. The tomb

looks like a prison, but it's really
release into union. The human seed goes

down in the ground like a bucket into
the well where Joseph is. It grows and

comes up full of some unimagined beauty.
Your mouth closes here and immediately

opens with a shout of joy there.

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Thank you, Jeannie, what a precious gift! I do love Rumie so much and so did Gra-anna. I want to say she still does - but that would be presumptious! I suspect she does

much love

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Let me start with my mom: My mom was mentally ill; she had therapy and was prounounced “well”.  We had a bad relationship, but now I was a teenager; now was the time to share information on my budding sex feelings, etc. Evidently they did not do physical exams. she had lung cancer. She would not go to the doctor, so she slowly wasted away at home, untill the pain got so bad, she called out. My father then insisted she go. She languished in the hospital for six months, 5' 7'', weighing 70 lbs. I regret not ever having a healthy relationship with her. She had a mother that treated her like garbage and would not stay while she was dying; she told the doctor to tell everyone her heart was bothering her and she had to go home. She could not stand the smell, she told the doctors. At her wake, were family that never offered help, as they chatted away; I walked out, I was so angry.

In 1995, my dad died; he was a kind man that tried his best; he loved his only daughter and now he was in pain in another state. He did not deservee the pain; he was too good. I stayed with a childhood friend. She died six months later from breast cancer; it was ignored because of her religion; it came as a complete shock. Her friends were kept away by these religious zealots; yes, I am still P.O.

One of the most traumatic losses, (I am 70, so I have seen a lot, including suicides, drug overdoses, etc.) was my first dog;she came into my life late as we always lived in apartments. I had thirteen beautiful years with her. She passed away on a night that I told her: “I love you so much, but I do not want you to suffer; let go, when you need to”. Her body is in our backyard, but I know her gentle soul is around; our darling, that we have had for two years, sat on her grave when he was first here; I am convinced “Lady Bear” taught our “Biggles” the ropes, and told him all about us: He is also a very gentle soul.

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Dear Cindy

Your mom passed on at such a critical time of your life; during your teenagerhood. During this time you had so much to contend with; the growing, becoming; all the confusion and drama of being a teenager and your mom's illnesses. So many teens have difficult relationships with their parents, even if it is sometimes temporary - but during this time you lost your mom which made things which were already challenging, even more so. You experience feelings of regret, loss and sorrow, wishing you had the relationship with your mom that your heart yearned for. You are also sad that there seemed to be so little care for her from others.

You had such a precious relationship with your dad and it's so hard to accept the pain he experienced. You felt he was a good man and deserved only goodness in his life. Yet he had challenges to face.

You have experienced so much loss, as you say yourself, so much. You are 70 years old now and have seen a lot of tragedy in your life. But your little dog broke your heart. I remember my own little dog which I lost as a child, it was a most unbelievably sad experience! You had such a precious bond with this little being that your Biggles seems to have connected with her too.

Thank you for sharing with us and letting us walk with you.

much love
HummingBird

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Thank you for your beautiful words; as a counselor in training, it reminds me of how we are taught to feedback the words of the client, in order to show we are listening. My dear friend, you were listening

Our darling animals help give us peace.

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Hello dear Cindy.

I am present with you; thank you so much for sharing your experiences here.  I'm hugging the little girl and the lovely lady she is now.

(((hug)))
Dana

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Thank you for your comforting words. I wish you all had been a part of my life in those times. You are all very supportive. Much love.

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Hi, Cindy - [sitting quietly with you in the losses - appreciating the various beings you've shared with us here] thank you.


Sometimes the losses can feel like baggage that keeps getting heavier - and sometimes there are souls of various flavors like your beautiful dog and your dad - who help us carry the burdens while they are here - and continue after they transitions.


Thank you for posting here and weaving yourself into our tapestry -


bright and gentle blessings -


Sylvia

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Cindy,
Thanks for sharing your story. I am 64, and I was separated from my mother when I was only a year and a half. I was raised by my father and his new wife until I was grown. My biological mother died on January 2, 2007. We spent the last few years text messaging one another. I have over 300 pages of conversation we had together. From that a book evolved. The Cry of the Cuckoos is dedicated to her and my step-mother who raised me. It's a story of deception and forgiveness, When we forgive those who hurt us most deeply, we are able to move on and live healthy lives. God bless you!

John Wayne Cargile

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Dear John
The Cry of the Cuckoos is a precious dedication to these women who were mother to you. Forgiveness is healing - and a journey too! There is much you havent said - you have travelled a very precious path to get to where you are today. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us
much love

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Dear Cindy,

I too am here with you.  My heart goes out to you, in recognition of the deep love that has been the center of you, for so very long, and how often your heart has been wounded.

I love your last words to Lady Bear, I think we each of us could say these words to all heart connections we have had (and continue to have, eternally) with loved ones – mothers, fathers, sisters brothers dear friends – and creatures in our lives.  “I love you so much, but I do not want you to suffer; let go, when you need to”.

Those words seem to come from deep wisdom and enormous love.  I soothe myself with the knowing that the angels are always around; we need only to think of them, and they hover near.  Sending so much love back to us!  Truly it is a wondrous cycle of giving and sharing love, a love that only grows more radiant. 

Peace and love,

Jeannie

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I feel moved by the loving I am seeing here. So much love to you all

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As perhaps for many of us with our loved ones - I'm feeling the death of my former SO Brad who died in late June and his absence keenly at this time.

This weekend was the annual holiday event at the church I'm part of where we have a Christmas party and share food boxes with folks who are especially struggling.

Two years ago - this is the weekend Brad and I first met each other in person - the party was his first experience of the church - I can still see his beaming smile at being put almost immediately to work helping sign in volunteers.  I checked on him a couple times during my shift as a listener - he was having a great time.  When he came out to find me in the sanctuary (main room of the church) - a bunch of the gay guys I love at the church lined up to grill “my new man”!  I figured it was a powerful test of his grace and sense of humor that he chuckled his way through both that round of meeting the family, and the ones that came at church the next day and reiki circle that next afternoon.

Last night I drove by the hotel where we stayed that first weekend - and to which we returned last year when he visited for two weeks over Christmas and New Year's.  I had a meltdown and pulled over in a parking lot to just sit and wail.  Even now in the public library tears are rolling down my face as I'm typing.

I'm grateful that that same church holds a “Longest Night of the Year” service to recognize solstice and the experiences of folks for whom this time of year are especially challenging.  I plan to head to that service shortly.

I still miss Brad, a lot.  The feelings are shifting from slicing knives to more an ongoing ache … and sometimes the knives come back and feel like the blades might have gone through a sharpener like the meltdown last night.

I'm living and moving on - last night I chatted online for more than an hour with a guy that I met through Facebook.  Swinging back and forth between the grief and what's now and coming next is sometimes disorienting - and yet it feels very human.  In the midst of the pain as well as the joy I have gratitude for being present in all the feelings.


peace and blessings -


Sylvia

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Dear Sylvia
I have been travelling with you for some time now and find it so precious how you jump in to be there for others without blinking an eye whilst also being so present on your own journey which involves great sharing of your feelings and so much deep grief. The term which one hears these days, 'wounded healer' comes to mind. As though from your suffering comes great strength too like a falcon rising from the ashes. The grief you share is immense, when reading your words I visualise open wounds. Your tears are the moisture of these wounds. Your feelings are so in the present, while your memories are in the past. Your sharing and your caring loving ways are the sacred journey you take.
much love

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Dear Pookietooth

Thank you for your trusting sharing with us.

So much sadness, sorrow and loss. Your experience of depression made the path acutely challenging. As you share your tale, what comes through so strongly is the pain  and deep concern you felt for mom and her suffering. You have so much love to give.

I feel the little girl in you so strongly in your words, 'sometimes it's hard to see others who have their parents (and even grandparents) still alive to talk to, to hug, to help them. I get jealous because I miss mine so much, especially my mom.'

Holding you in my heart over this season.

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just jumping by with love and understanding.  i see this space as a beautiful healing garden.

thank you for tending to it with such care and compassion hummingbird.

sending thoughts of love and healing to each of you here.

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Hi Pookie-tooth, TY for sharing your story. Wow, your story of loosing your parents sounds very much like my own, even the years, although my mother died first and my father 10 years later. My mother was from Johnson City BTW.

Yeah this time of year does bring back memories. I have a very detailed image in my mind of the living room at my childhood home. There is a fire in the fireplace where wet socks and mittens, wet from snow, are hanging to dry. My whole extended family is there, telling jokes I don't get and my brother and I run down the hallway and slide in our Dr Dentons on the wood floor.

One by one they left and now only my half-sister and I remain to remember.

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Doug, I can just see you boys sliding accross the wooden floor! Then the vision fades - it sounds like since then things changed so enormously, the memories contrasting with the present moment?
love
HummingBird

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Ohmsmom thank you for bringing your loving presence to us

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This feels like sacred space, reading the whole thread I want to give each one a gentle hug, all different, relevant and unique, testamony to the fact that there is no right  or wrong way to grieve. When I look back death has been a thread woven through my life, and an early experience helped me to cope with many deaths, and help others through their grief. As a child of eight years old I had my first brush with death in a near death experience, I had been fighting for breath each breath a pain, my throat dry as a crisp I went down a tunnel to a beautiful light, it was like being bathed in love, peace warmth, acceptance, calm, brilliant, yet gentle - the pain was no more, it was so beautiful, it was such a wrench to return to my body. The whole experience took away any fear of death. At 16 I entered nursing, a healing profession but also one that helps folk to approach and experience death in a pain free gentle manner, also caring for their spiritual needs, whatever their wishes or religion. As a community nurse over the years I helped many die comfortably at home with their loved ones, liasing with the hospice for respite, badgering the drs to ensure effective symptom control, and following up the carers to help them through their grief, sharing their grief, my patients were long term, ranged from toddlers to the elderly,  all ages. I got to know them well , often there were tears brimming in my eyes as well as the relatives, I was not ashamed to show them i cared and grieved
too  Death has touched my family as well, three of my grandparents died young, before I was born, yet I felt an affinity with my grandmother on the paternal side, she was a nurse and I recognised the compassion and love in her eyes from her photograph, I woulld have loved to know her sadly she died when my father was 18. Then my remaining maternal grandmother died. Next my father died just before retirement, a sudden heart attack, there was an inquest, I was brave so that I could support and help my mother, she was in deep shock and plummeted into depression, because of the inquest it was 6 weeks before the funeral, at the funeral Mum coped well, but the grief I held back so I could help Mum finally broke through like the flood gates had opened all through the service I just couldn't stem the tears. A few years ago
 my eldest sons family went from five to three in the space of a year, my eldest grandson died in a tragic accident and a beloved  daughter in law died from cancer. As a family this hit hard, but we all supported each other. What helped me through all this? The memory of my NDE, i imagine them where I went. I also have poems I wrote to celebrate their life. They are still with us, in our hearts, the love still strong. Now my mother is teetering on the brink and family rally again, my other daughter in law has just undergone surgery to remove lumps found on a recent scan, please say a prayer for healing for Hannah   and Gavin, and their daughter Poppy.

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Thank you for posting this inspirational tale of your life experiences, Zephyr.
Thank you for the work you do.
How precious to be requested to pray for your loved ones! Thank you for this opportunity to share with you in such a meaningful way.
Sending you and yours love

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I hold you all in your grief and in your sharing. HummingBird you have created a very sacred space here. I embrace you.
Zephyr How incredible to give so much to others at such a crucial time.
I will join you in prayer.
With love, JEna

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Anna, thank you, my son sounds like he is coping well with the nursing side as she recovers. Jena, thank you too.

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Anna, thank you, my son sounds like he is coping well with the nursing side as she recovers.

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Gael, your story is so inspirational and insightful to me. I have already learned a lot about passing just from your timely testimony.

I too can sense the place that my brother, especially, is, several years after his passing. He lived a pretty tormented life as an alcoholic and I feel like the transition is so much a more peaceful place for him. I feel his warm smile on me somehow.

Such perspectives on life and death do provide a view on existence that is endless and essentially peaceful and potentially joyful throughout. This is calming and greatly encouraging.

Thanks.

Peace to you.

Sherrilene

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Such perspectives on life and death do provide a view on existence that is endless and essentially peaceful and potentially joyful throughout... …lovely capturing of the sense all beings share, Sherri.

It is precious to sense someone is at peace after a life of torment and suffering.

much love

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Sherri, pleased this was helpful to you, I feel sure it is as you sense with your brother. Recently when my mother was feeling so bad after the heart attack, she wanted to die. I just said I love you Mum,I want whatever is best for you, I’ll be OK on my own - I know you feel like this now, but you may feel different when the sickness eases, she is still with us now, and we took her out of hospital for a couple of hours so she could be with us all on Christmas Day. My fathers death was unexpected and sudden, sadly, no chance to say such things. I know that it is going to be hard work when she comes home, but still want her to feel family supports her rather than put her in care, she wants to be home too, but it takes time to organise support services.

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your love for your Mum is so precious, Zephyr, thank you for giving us the privilege of sharing
much love

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It's Christmas morning and I received a private megsage in my Vox inbox thanking me for a blog post (not that recent), in which I shared someone else's blog post link, entitled 'Funeral Rituals and the death of a child' … http://corrinacorrina.vox.com/library/post/send-a-voice-death-of-a-child.html

I of course responded way back at the beginning to Hummingbird's invite to join this Passing pod.. because, in my mind, I 'qualify', but casual posting is not exactly an option!

Upon receiving my Christmas morning message, I went to read my own Vox post, since I hadn't gone back to read it since I posted it, and I did genuinely wonder what exactly I had said.

I feel deeply what I had shared, even as I read it now, then I click on the link that had motivated me to post, and, again, feel deeply moved by the posting AND my comment to it, which I hadn't remembered making.

Since triggers of our immense stories kind of bounce us into an altered state, there is a tendency for these to co-exist with our other lives as parrallel universes.

Perhaps this platform, Passing, is serving as a catalyst to integrate these aspects of our being; bring them all 'Home' to our deep abiding Selves.

My big sister died at the age of 7 years in one of those quintessential 'tragic' childhood 'accidents'. Paddling in the pond on Wimbledon Common with scores of other children in an uncommon heatwave, she fainted into the water, and no one realized quick enough that she was down.

I was a babe-in-arms; at my mother's breast in the shade of a big Oak tree, one of a little Scottish family of 5 children, with a brother of 6, and two more sisters, 4 and 2. I was 6-months old.

I can tell you it was an intense trauma to the whole family, in large part because no measure was given to grief. According to our old religion; she had gone back to heaven and therefore there was nothing to grieve.

I guess now you could say that this aspect of our intra-familial stories, so familiar and heartbreaking to us from inside, pointed to the fact that my parents went into PSTD-type symptoms in the absence of any kind of appropriate handling of their loss.

But the piece I want to share with you is that resolution came one day in a series of events, some 40 years later.

My dear spouse of 18 years, when he first got to hang out with my mother back in Scotland, was perplexed about the way she would fairly constantly refer to my sister as though she died yesterday, is how he put it.

“She might as well have died only yesterday”, said I, “for my mother (nor my father who was now dead) never grieved her child's loss to any point of resolution.”

Perhaps my articulating opened a portal, I will never know, but the next thing that happened was utterly astonishing to me.

My sister 'came' to a friend of mine who channels a bright being, here in the States; a friend who did not know this story, nor that I had a dead sister.

My friend turned to me and said, “There's someone called 'Agnes' here for you”, do you know who that is?” And I, breathless but knowing instantly, whispered my reply; “Yes, it's my sister.”  Well, said my friend, she says to tell you, she never went very far away, and she too desires a miraculous outcome..

I nearly fell off my log (we were sitting on the beach!).. The next morning I was still spinning from this 'encounter'. It was as though my sister had been 'missing presumed dead' (like the Ministry of Defence wartime telegram to families) for nigh on 40 years, and here she was, saying she's been living round the corner all along…

I made the phone call from San Francisco to my mum in Scotland.
I still was in some state of mild shock; “You'll never guess who came to see me yesterday.” I said to my mum. And she replied; “it was Agnes, wasn't it.” 

Floored again! How did she know..??? Oh, I knew she would come to someone one day dear, to someone who could let her in…

My mum was thrilled that 'we' had contact, and explained that because of her old-time religious training, she couldn't go there herself but she knew that Agnes would find a way. My mother took the words of her long-dead daughter, took them to herself like so much treasure.

Shortly thereafter, I was striding through the Dunsmuir Highland Gathering, right here in the East Bay when a soft brogue hurled at me: “Is that a hemp kilt yer wearing??!!” 

“Indeed it is!”, says I, upon which this man and I had the most scintillating conversation about the New Scottish Parliament, and industrial hemp and… his own work; carver of stone, from a long line of Pictish stone carvers.. and suddenly, the arrival at another portal without preamble: “Could you carve a river stone for my dead sister who was buried in a pauper's grave with no mark or memory attached.”

And this he did, with the words I gave him, from my mother's own mouth; “Wee Annie”, as they called her, finally gets a sweet commemorative stone, and laid after the most precious overnight spent between sisters (4 living, one dead) and their mother.  Finally, we stood in a circle and finally finally sang her over.

Now I have seen my sister, on that far-off monumental day on Wimbledon Common. I have watched her chatter excitedly to my mother, my mother holding me. This summer picnic was rare indeed in the lexicon of an old-fashioned family with older ideas; the children were in a high state of glee at the whole affair. But I have seen my big sister on that day, as she leaves our little picnic spot, dashing off to paddle in the wonderfully inviting pond (we Northerners never could take the heat!); I see her spirit body literally shed from her physical form as she dashes to the water. I saw it happen; a babe-in-arms, and I have confirmed from her now that it was her Path and Plan to make that exodus at that moment in that time and that place.

I guess that's saying, to use Isha's 'facet' way of speaking: “Thank Love for this human experience, in its perfection.”

Wow, I did not rise from my Christmas bed expecting to tell this story.
xox

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TimeToShine I had goosepimples reading your post. What precious life experiences! Thank you so much for this gift to us on Christmas day.

Everyone in this group brings their own experiences and special insight. We all have specific lessons to learn. Sharing is a gift when there's integrity and trust.

Much love to you and yours

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For those of us who have lost loved one's, we share
our feelings, in this Festive time of year.

For all of us will feel that pain of missing our loved one's
on these special occasion's.
We will all have our moments of sorrow, and my heart
goes out to those of you who's grief is still fresh.
Especially to those going through their first Christmas,
without a loved one being with them.

We can be sure they are with us in spirit and we share
our loss with so very many other's, that we can draw strength
in our togetherness.

In special memory of my darling daughter Tracey,
many years past, yet living on in my heart forever

Peace, love and blessings to you all
Sandy

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Dear Sandy
Thank you, for bringing this sacred space to us, created by the love between you and your precious daughter,Tracey. The cord between parent and child does not end with death in this lifetime.

Thank you too, for your loving support for us who've lost loved ones

much love to you and yours

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TimetoShine, it happened that way with me, my testimony. I often reflect on Hummingbird's following her call to develop this pod. I am thankful she did!

Again, further perspective on the endlessness of time and the potential of existence!

Thanks to you as well.

Blessings, Sherrilene

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those little feelings we follow, are seeds - sparks of life potential.. we never know what they will become.. they have a 'life of their own'.. and following this trail.. we are led to the awareness of the oneness of all

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Anna~

Just wanted to thank you for this loving pod, for all the gentle holding you have done, for all the kindness you have extended here and elsewhere.

Love~

Mary

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Thank you, Mary, this group is very precious. The thing which always moves me here, is how everyone is so HERE for absolutely everyone who needs support. This is what creates this sacred space here
much love

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A link I found on the net which has some special ideas: here

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How interesting I actually thought no one had posted in response to my Christmas posting that day and suddenly today, here’s where it jumped when I opened my Gaia window. It sure is nice to feel received/heard.

Love,
Corrina

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that’s lovely, Corrina

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Due to this thread being so long, I am locking it - please feel free to join an existing thread or start a new thread