Why This, Why Now?

I realize I am asking questions to which there are no satisfying answers…but I feel compelled to.  I wasn't sure about talking about my thoughts and feelings right now but something tells me it would be wise.  I strongly believe that honesty is the way to healing and in sharing with others for support and insight.  I hope I don't sound whiny or overly dramatic.  I am aware of difficulties many people face, especially now.

Death is surrounding and overwhelming me right now.  Two nights ago, my brother-in-law took his own life.  While being with my sister yesterday, I learned a dear friend I knew long ago but lost contact with, had recently died.  My mother is in grave health.  I had recent breast cancer scare that turned out to be benign but had me wonder about my own mortality.

What is going on?  Seems too much for me to cope with.  Last year was extremely difficult personally.  The situation isn't better but I had come to terms with whatever was happening and am working on my inner life through meditation.  Then all this…one after another. 

The shock over my brother-in-law death is especially profound.  Yesterday, I was more just stunned and felt numb.  Today, this reality is sinking in and tears just keep flowing…THIS REALLY HAPPENED, HE IS REALLY GONE! I feel so sorry for my sister and her kids.  Truly, there are no words for this.

I wasn't close to my sister but he was always nice to me.  I haven't talked or seen them for many years.  I can't help thinking about his last hours…how lonely, desperate, sad he must have felt.  I feel guilty for not having talked to him for so long…maybe I could have said or done something to change his mind…I don't know.

I think many of us at times thought or felt like dying for various reasons…I certainly did but I am probably chickenshit because I don't have the courage to take my own life.  I wonder why he didn't use his courage to live rather than die….

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Dear Lahn, it is so natural that you should feel shocked when hearing your brother in law has taken his own life. Because you didnt have a lot of contact with him, in some ways the loss may feel even greater.

So often when we hear of someone taking their own life, we wonder if we could have done something to prevent this. It is also hard to know that someone in the family has been experiencing hardship which we didnt know about. We never get to see the innermost thoughts and feelings of another but there are times we wish we could.

While in the throes of living, it can feel hard to understand how anyone can choose to take their own life. There seems to be an inclination in us which wishes to help others and also wishes for the happiness of others. Possibly you can embrace this kindness in yourself rather than feel guilt for what has not been?

You went through a lot with your own breast cancer scare and things feel challenging with the news of your friends death and your mothers state of health.

Death has such a sense of finality about it and we are so caught up in life we often forget the inevitability of death in all of our lives. One thing we can do is live each moment to the fullest and with the knowledge we and our loved ones will not always be here - with this knowledge we can treasure one another all the more.

Holding you in my heart
love
HummingBird

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Lahn, death, I know is an inevitability and I feel that when we meet it so closely, as you are doing, it helps us to appreciate LIFE & LIVING. When I discovered in 1996 that I had a fatal illness(potentially) I had a new viw on the life/death paradox which I expressed here: http://groups.gaia.com/openness/conversations/view/426287#427606 
hoping you and your sister will find peace & calm in this emotional storm,
Blessings,
Mike

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We know there is always a feeling of unfound guilt; suicide is so personal that even a person like myself who going to be a therapist, could miss some signals. Maybe, in the future, facts will come out that will give you more understanding.
I understand the mortality feelings; I recently had a thyroid scare-also I am 70.
The only good that may come out from this, is that you become closer to your sister.
I hope you and your sister will find peace.

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Hi Lahn, I was touched by your story…  My best friend's husband killed himself in 2002 and the shock and grief seemed unbearable.  It still makes me cry at times.  There are no answers to satisfy and I don't think you're being whiny or overly dramatic.  Suicide is such a shock to our minds and hearts it's hard to know how to respond, how to even take it in.  For most people talking about it over and over again, and crying often, is the only way though it.  Each time we share the story the more we can heal.

How many children does your sister have?  Are they very young?  If you're nearby you could be a loving supportive aunt for them right now.  Their mom will understandably be very distracted by her grief.  As Cindy points out, this is an opportunity for you to become closer to your sister.  You will no doubt learn many new things about each other and the picture will grow a little clearer.

Please know you and your sister and her children are in my thoughts and prayers.  With love and sympathy,  Barbara

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You have had a lot of death and tragedy in a short period of time. It's hard when someone close dies, and I can't even imagine how hard when they take their own life. Please be gentle to yourself. I am so sorry you have had this shock.

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Lahn, having experienced multiple deaths in our family a few years ago, I realise what a difficult time it can be, there is no right or wrong way to get through it only your own way. I can say what helped us, in our case children were also involved they lost a grandparent, uncle,  brother, and then step mother and at a tender age they had a run of 4 deaths to adjust to. We didn't clam up for fear of hurting each other, we talked, shared the grief, shared the expenses as the deaths were unexpected and finance not planned for, and shared memories and as time went by more of the good memories came to the fore, the children kept photos and mementos, which encouraged remembrence and conversation. We cried together and alone, the pain has eased with time, though we never forget. There may be practical help you can give your sister, while you are all trying to adjust to events. I know you teach guided imagery, could you use your imagination and skill to help yourself and family through this?  Grief is stress, be gentle on yourselves and be creative in ways that suit you and your family. I hope some of this is helpful to you. You don't need to apologise for asking for help, you are going through a normal reaction to an intense situation that no one wants to experience. but is a part of life. You and your family are in my prayers, sending love to you all.

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HI sweet Lahn…
just another reminder of the love that surrounds you… and all these warm embraces that also will help you through your grieving and stressful times…
I see we all expressed similar words… and we are here for you whenever you need that ear or shoulder…
adding some colors to wander in… I find it relaxing and out of worldish…
peacelovelight, Margo

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Dear Lahn…

With you dear friend in love and peace, I know words are not the only comfort and I find it may not express my heartfelt compassion and wish to reach out to you..
When I lost my dear brother suddenly the shock, loss and pain seemed at times unbearable..
The love and support, coming together with loved ones and friends does help, knowing it is not an ending but a beginning of a journey through great loves discovery..
May you all know the blessings, comfort and love that surround you now..
With love, knowing and praying for you all..

Ange..

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Dear Lahn, to open up the heart of compassion in others is the greatest gift you can give. In doing that, you have shown us again your own beautiful heart. Sitting with you in silence, dear sister.

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So sorry to hear you're news, Lahn.
Life moves in mysterious ways and all you can do is to stay strong
and believe that all is for a reason.
Try and find comfort in the fact that if you're Brother-In-Law
was so down, he will now have found his peace.

Love and blessings,
Sandy

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Lahn - I am sitting with you quietly in your tearing questions, your primal anguish and the flow of your feelings.



Sylvia

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Lahn,

As I thought about how to answer you, in the midst of so much sorrow, I felt as though a message was coming through in my mind from your BIL.  I am not very skilled at such but it felt clearly to me to be the case.  I feel that he is saddened by your feelings, that you somehow should have done more for him but that is never the case.

He asks that you see a silver lining.  To do what he has done means he despaired of being able to change circumstances and so, has sought the way out, open to all humans.  It may be, that he took a particular path in his life that was the difficult one.  He has received much learning from this life and will at some point live on Earth again.  Our souls do not die, that is my feeling, as those who have passed have send me messages in one way or another, than makes me believe this is so.  The choice he made he can not undo, it is the choice of no return.  Be open to speaking to him in your mind.  Tell him directly of your feelings as you go through the customary rituals.

As I was posting the 365 Science of Mind for today's Daily Guide at Living Metaphysics, where you are a new member, I thought of you as I posted these paragraphs -

I now withdraw my thoughts from the world of confusion and realize that in the One Universal Mind, which is the Mind of God, there is quietude, peace, order.  This is Reality.

It matters not that in the shadow world of form there is a sense of futility.  I know that Life is real, worthwhile.  I know that no effort toward unity with that which is Real, that which is True, is ever lost.  I enter deeply into Peace and feel its strength and power.

I know that here, in this consciousness of Reality, is the supply for my every need - physical, mental, or spiritual - and I accept that supply in deepest gratitude.  I am thankful that this is the way Life fulfills my needs, through the doorway of my inner self, and I am thankful that I know how to use this Perfect Law.

I come to this great Fountain of Supply, in the very center of my being, to absorb that for which I have need, mentally and physically, and I am filled with a joyous sense of the Reality of that which I desire.  As I am filled with Reality I permit It to flow into my world of thought and action, knowing that It brings peace and harmony and order all around me.  It flows out into the lives I touch.  Where I am, there is peace, order, joy, harmony for I am One with Reality.

I think that it is now your opportunity to be this presence for your sister and her children.  To flow this perfect peace and love into their lives.  You can not change the reality of what your brother in law has done.  This is ever the “selfish” choice, as regards the people who love us, that we leave behind. Even when a life is complete, and it can be acknowledged that the time of leaving has come, it can feel like a selfish choice for the one we love to leave.

We are not given a particular length of life, when we are born.  None of us is guaranteed a long life.  We are only given the opportunity to be on this Earth plane, for however long we are, for whatever lessons we came here to have.  Beyond that, I believe we also come here to experience our emotions, to experience love and yes, the pain of separation from the Divine, and in your BILs case, a belief our actions are separate from the people around us.  They are not, all is intertwined and interwoven and what we do, does matter.  Your BIL, now in non-physical, has the awareness of how much he was loved in this life's manifestation and all that he gave up in the leaving.  He understands now the pain he has left for his loved ones and that is his reality and what he must process.

I wish these lessons never needed to occur, but they do, and it is for us that remain to make some kind of “sense” of what seems senseless to our limited perspective.  To come to peace with the fact that someone we loved left us.  If in any small measure, the words I have shared with you today, help you and if, they go beyond and through you, to help your sister and her children cope with their loss and eventually, to recover the joy of living, as they heal from your BILs action and choice, then the time I spent here will have been well worth the effort.

I am sending your deep love, sympathy and compassion this morning.  I feel the sadness keenly, for my own grief at the passing of a loved one in Feb has yet to fully heal, and all those feelings of recent pain come back alive in feeling another's pain.

Hugs -
Deborah

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I am so touched and moved by such an outpouring of compassion and support from all of you.  Please know your loving, caring responses are helping me greatly.  I know that processing this would take time but your sharing is like a balm to my aching heart and soul.
My deepest appreciation to you all,
Lahn

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Lahn, come use the balm whenever you need, our hearts ache with you. Sharing with you brings tears, acceptance,  remembering, I thought of my grandson, only 18 when he died - pictures in my mind of his laugh and the twinkle in his eye when he pinched extra chips off my partners plate, he was a gentle giant, with a great sense of fun, he once said to me I love you Gran you are the most content happiest person I know - I treasure these memories and try to continue being that which he saw in honour of his memory, he would want that for his two sisters and father, who also hold him in their heart. So one way is to try and see things from the point of view of the departed loved one and what they would wish for those who survive them then picture moving into that space and make it a reality, would that fit with your guided imagery teachings?  I like to think it might free their spirit to move on to the light. The sadness remains underlying alongside new possibilities for love and joy a sweet / sadness of love and acceptance as we move on from moment to moment in this treasure that is life. Just sharing what helped me hoping it might resonate with others and help them too. Love, and a big melting hug from Gael.

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Dear Lahn,

I have read though the messages before mine and I am stunned by the eloquence and wisdom. I have started my letter four times, decided I couldn’t do it and gone on to something else, come back. I have no answers to offer, I certainly have nothing useful to say beyond what has been said here. I have only another heart aching which might let you know that you are not alone. I too have unaccountably lost three friends in the last week. It seems beyond belief. Your message is in no way whiney or melodramatic, it is full of honest pain and questioning - asking questions that feel like they should have an answer. I do understand your feeling however, in thinking that your heart felt anguish may sound over done. Our culture does not know what to do with death. It is hard to even know what word to use to describe what has happened. Passed on? Passed away? Often the response we see is so slight and contained that we are afraid that our deep, engulfing grief is wrong or out of place. Historically, we read of cultures where rending your clothing, tearing your hair, keening in agony was an accepted way to deal with death. Now people are often embarrassed by tears. We come from a culture where death is seen as a failure rather than a natural part of life. If someone dies medicine has failed. In the case of a suicide, there is  collective sense of failure.

I have been on all sides of death. Rather than it being a flat, dim painting in an dark, unlit hall, unknown and unspoken, it has been like a sculpture that sits out in the light where I’ve had to see it. Not only see it, but walk around and around, seeing it from all angles. At the age of 24 I had an NDE - Near Death Experience, in which I left my body and spent some time on the ceiling of the operating room.  I have been on the threshold several other times, a severe hemorrhage with child birth, two different times when they almost completely replaced my blood. I have been through cancer and hopefully out the other side. I am a “Downwinder” in utero and a newborn during the bomb tests in Nevada which brought death on the soft desert wind toward Southern Utah where I was born.( http://lightdancing.gaia.com/blog/2007/3/downwinder_-_waiting )
I have lost very many close friends to car accidents, drugs, cancer, to suicide; I have attempted suicide myself. Like many other people, I spent much of my life terrifically afraid of death. My short NDE took that fear almost entirely away. I am still terrified of something happening to one of my children, and my mother who is 93 and fairly inevitable. When my sister died seven years ago, I had vertigo to the point of actually seeing the walls tipping, a severe physical manifestation of shock and grief. Seven years later, I still grieve and often think I am the only one who grieves or even remembers. People don’t want to talk about her, as if, in speaking of the dead, it will bring it too close and it might touch them.

In spite of looking at so many sides of the subject, coming so close to death, going over, coming back, losing fear, retaining fear … what I still do not have are answers.

I think, perhaps, that our linear, scientific way of thinking has left us believing that there has to be a concrete answer to every question. There just isn’t. In many ways death is a mystery and perhaps can only be understood that way. While knowing very little, this is something I feel. There are several things that need to transpire before we, as a culture, are going to come to a place where we can be with death as a natural part of our progression. The first is to stop looking at death as a failure of medicine, but as a progression of life. The next is to allow human beings, when ever possible, the grace of death with dignity, in comfortable known surroundings with the people they love around them. And then, there is a great need for places such as this. Somewhere you are able to look at death, see it for what it is and call it by it’s name. Somewhere you will not be asked to do that alone.  There is such a remarkable group here, who stands beside you, enfolding you in true compassion and familial love. To know that when you face what must be faced, you will have a caring, compassionate circle surrounding you on all sides and in so many ways.

Dear Lahn, I am honored to be part of the circle who surrounds you, and sits quietly with you through this time of grief. May your heart find peace and hope.

This letter was very difficult for me to write and it has been a tremendous blessing. Thank you.

Blessings ~ Dryad
Edwina

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I am moved by each post. Lahn you spoke from the heart and awakened every heart. Anyone who has ever experienced loss and pain responds in recognition and resonates with you. Each delves into their own heart where pain has been experienced and transforms this into understanding of the pain of another and compassion. Very precious

love to all

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Just after posting the above I stumbled on this:

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Dryad - you gifted us profoundly through sharing your guts and your journey in this post.  [receiving this gift with sacred honor]


[sitting with you]


blessed are you -


Sylvia

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I can so relate to much of what you have said, Lahn. I too, have felt like dying at many times, and didn't do anything about it mostly due to fear of death, but also not wanting to hurt those close to me. I have had a lot of loss as well – both my parents by the time I  was 30 all my grandparents by age 19 (the year my father died), a favorite uncle, and a miscarriage. Through it all, I kept feeling that it so wasn't fair that I had so little family left, so much taken from me. However, I have had healing more recently, and I cannot even tell you how or why. I still feel a big hole in my life caused by all this loss, but I also feel a deeper strength, the survival instinct or something.
((((((hugs)))) to you.

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Again, my sincere gratitude to everyone here for so much lovingkindness.  Out of this unspeakable tragedy, there is grace…a gift, for it brought my family together.  I have reconciled with my estranged, grieving sister.  No doubt my inner work through meditation and support I received from loving friends here all helped me to deal with what is happening constructively.  I intend to be there for my sister and assist her every way I can.  I am learning precious lessons of life.  Each one of you played a part in that.  You are a warm embrace, a gentle hand holding my unsteady hand, a light illuminating dark night of my soul.

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Lahn, thank you for sharing your gifts with us, they are treasured

love

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3 years ago on July 28, my nephew of 18 took his own life.  I also felt terrible, because his family lives 15 minutes away from me in the same town.  I never saw them because I was so busy with my own life.  I kept thinking that if I had been in regular contact with them, even just had them over for a braai (barbecue) once in a while, I could have picked something up.

Last year my own daughter died accidentally, my uncle (who is on ly a few years older than me was one of the first people to contact me and offer me help.

We still don't see each other much, but when we do, there is a connection and an understanding that comes from sharing a similar life experience.

Suicide is a very difficult thing to deal with for the “survivors”.  There is just so much guilt and anger. 

Get in touch with your sister again.  She will appreciate it