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Bereavement: The Stages of BereavementHummingBird said May 14, 1:35 AM: |
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You are probably reading this post because someone close to you has died recently … DIFFICULT TIMES & FEELINGS EMPTINESS AND DEPRESSION Feelings of depression and meaninglessness can hit you when the reality of the death begins to bite and you realise that the person who has died will not come back. Then. perhaps having felt better and as if you were moving on, you may hit rock bottom and life can seem endlessly bleak and empty. Surprisingly, although it may feel almost unbearable at the time, this seems to be a period when some inner healing takes place. Afterwards people generally say they feel lighter, more in control of their lives and better able to look forward. Depression is a natural response to a bereavement, and usually lifts of its own accord. But if it doesn't, and life seems an endless, pointless struggle, you could be clinically depressed. Clinical depression can be treated and there are different ways of getting through periods of depression, both with and without anti-depressant medication. Ask your doctor for help and advice. If you have any thoughts of suicide, do talk to your doctor, or to someone you trust. Remember you can phone the Samaritans, day or night, on 08457 90 90 90. (United Kingdom) South Africa: Lifeline: 011 728 1347 ANGER Some people don't feel angry after a bereavement, but if you do it can be the hardest feeling to cope with. You may feel anger at the injustice of your loss; anger at the lack of understanding in others; anger at the person who died because of what they are putting you through. Bereaved people are usually angry because they feel hurt and unhappy. You probably feel angry at yourself and at the person who died - the person you need most, who has left you to feel abandoned, frightened and alone. These feelings are normal and you can probably get rid of your anger in a way which doesn't hurt you or someone else. Some people have a shouting session, dig the garden or write their thoughts on paper and then destroy the pages. Don't bottle up your feelings - try to think about the reasons for your anger. If you don't do this, whatever is upsetting you will almost certainly continue to churn you up inside; it won't disappear. It can help to talk about your feelings with someone who isn't emotionally involved in your own loss. FEAR You are likely to feel fearful and anxious. This is very natural - your familiar world has been turned upside down and you are likely to feel you have little control over your life or over the thoughts and feelings churning inside you. Feeling out of control is likely to leave you feeling vulnerable and afraid. But you will probably notice that as you get used to coping, and start to get on top of life again, you will become more confident and less afraid. You may also have fears about important practical issues. How will you cope with less money coming in? How will you manage household tasks? If you have worries like this it usually helps to get some practical advice. MIXED FEELINGS It is usual to have mixed feelings when someone dies. You may find yourself thinking of times you wish had been different, or wondering what might have happened if you or the person who died had made different decisions. Mixed feelings of regret, guilt or anger are not easy to deal with. The important thing is to try to reach a point where you are realistic about the past and can accept it for what it was. This can be hard if the relationship had turned sour or was always a mixture of good and bad. When a difficult relationship ends with death the problem is that any chance of mutual understanding or reconciliation has gone. But if you try to avoid dealing with upsetting thoughts and feelings you run the risk of becoming angry, bitter or depressed. In a situation like this it usually helps to get a better understanding of the relationship you had with the person who died, of what was good about it and what was not, to work out what each of you contributed to it. Don't be too hard on yourself or anyone else. No-one is perfect and most people try to do the best they can with the situation they are in. Eventually you are likely to reach some acceptance of the past and move towards a more fruitful present. MEMORIES AND LOSSES A bereavement may trigger memories of earlier losses which you thought you had got over. Perhaps you did not realise at the time how much you were affected, or circumstances made it difficult for you to talk about your feelings. You may now remember these unhappy times with great clarity and this can be extremely distressing. For example, some people are only now beginning to grieve for losses that happened in the war years. Similarly, people who had a stillborn baby or a miscarriage, or a child who died, or whose brother or sister died young, may only now start to grieve openly. Fifty or more years ago it was often customary not to talk much about such deaths and children's feelings were often overlooked, so you may have gone through life with an unspoken burden of sorrow. You may feel that you need to mourn for these losses, and talk about your experiences, before you can come to terms with your more recent loss. PICKING UP THE PIECES Over time, you have probably developed a way of thinking about the world and your place in it which has helped to give meaning to your life and influenced the decisions you have made. Your thinking and beliefs may be based on a particular faith or religion, or on the ideals or beliefs of a particular philosophy, or they may have been very much your own creation. Your beliefs may give you comfort and continue to give your life some meaning, which can be very helpful. But you may find they do not stand up to the challenges presented by your bereavement. You may then feel let down and lost. This can be unnerving but it can also be a chance to look at life afresh. This could lead to a strengthening of your beliefs and views, but if they no longer hold the significance they used to, you may decide to explore other ways of giving meaning to your life. OTHER PEOPLE Some people will be more sensitive to your feelings than others. Some may not recognise your sense of loss; they may think you would have expected your partner, friend or relative to die, so you will not be too affected by it. Others may not want to get involved with your feelings because they want to get on with their own lives. They may also try to avoid facing up to the fact that one day they may be in a situation similar to yours. Sometimes the people who help most are not the obvious ones - sometimes someone you are not that close to is the one who helps you through the bleak times. And there are befriending or other support services for bereaved people in many areas - ask at your place of worship, if you have one, or your doctor's surgery, day centre or public library. Some of the organisations listed at the end of this leaflet can also put you in touch with local groups. LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF It can take a long time for you to get back to anything near 'normal' after the shock of a bereavement. It is important to look after yourself, to eat properly and to get plenty of rest while you are going through the extreme emotions of grief. Avoid making any important decisions while you are still in a state of shock. For example, don't rush into moving home while you are still grieving; it is a better idea to see how you feel once the initial shock of your loss has passed, instead of making a quick decision you may regret later. Try not to hurry the healing process; take it at your own pace. Try not to hide your feelings; talk about the person you have lost with your family, a close friend or a sympathetic group. And if you ever feel you need to talk to someone, but have nowhere to turn, get in touch with Cruse Bereavement Care, the Samaritans, Lifeline or another support structure in your area who can provide a listening ear. |
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