Share tips on what has helped us get through...

The thought occurred to me that it would be nice to have a thread where we share tips on what has helped us to work our way up from the depths of grief to functioning better and contributing in family / society, the world again  So that others might read and take from it what might be useful to help them. . Please add your own tips My own tips might be……

1. Letting my emotions flow, if I feel tearful, I'd cry or bawl till I get release,  if i feel angry, I go thump a pillow. It doesn't help to contain it, or hold back because we might upset others,crying together is more beneficial than bottling thingsup, which can result in explosions.  we will pull ourselves together when ready, not when people ask or expect us to..

2  Alcohol, this intensifies mood , if I feel down, feeling grief it will make matters worse, so i avoid alcohol till I feel better

3 Guilt/ regrets, , when my father died suddenly from a heart attack I wished I could have been there, said what I wanted to say, but he was busy working, I was busy raising a family and working, here I learned to count my blessings and accept what is. I learned to be grateful for the loving relationship and time together we did have while he was alive, and for happy memories.

4  Wishing it was me taken and not my grandson who died aged 18, after all I am in my seventh decade, he had a promising life ahead.
i learned it is not my wilL, or my time but God's. If I had died then I would not have been there to help my daughter when she was desperate for help, she is adopted and has no other relatives to turn to, My mother would be lonely in a care home  instead of being cared for by me and part of family. Also my other grandchildren still have a loving Gran around, and they have had too many losses already, having lost  5 who were close to them. Time gives us a new perspective.

5 When appetite has deserted and we feel sick with grief, even in grief we all need to drink, make a nutriious smoothie for everyone, oats, milk banana honey, or similar. If we let our health deteriorate it is harder to get out of the rut. Chocolate 70% cocoa, might tempt some and it boosts seratonin and mood.

6  I once experienced an NDE, it helped to think of my loved ones entering the light - rather than leaving earth. In my NDE, The light was brilliant yet gentle, a warm embrace of unconditional love, peace and tranquility, a melting into perfection, it was so beautiful I was reluctant to return to my body, and it took away my fear of death.

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through different aspect

Hi, Gaile - thank you for starting this topic :-).

Having lost my former significant other almost a year ago to a heart attack, my mother, father, other family members and various friends years before that - I would like to add the following from my own experiences.

Get rest as it works for you - grieving can be quite tiring in unexpected ways.

Be aware of holidays and anniversaries - follow what is alive inside as to whether you want to be with other people or be alone.

I echo what Gaile said about soothing and nourishing food.

Be aware that your loved one's spirit may communicate with you.

Find ways to acknowledge and/or honor and/or celebrate their life that are special to the two of you.

Sometimes grief ambushes - and that's part of the process.

Keep a good supply of tissues or handkerchiefs around.

It's ok to smile and laugh after a loved one has died - even though it may be hard, and feel wrong somehow.

Anger is natural, too.

Four-legged friends can provide a great deal of comfort.

Wanting to share and wanting solitude may come in waves.


[quietly present]



gentle blessings -



Sylvia

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through different aspect

A truly lovely thread, thank you Gael and Sylvia,

I feel being with kind and loving ones who are prepared to share with you in a none conditional connection, the warm tea or soft pillow can be so much more comforting when shared with someone who extends their heart space to you during times when we may feel overwhelmed, although there is always love surrounding us, the touch of another souls presence is a true blessing and comfort…
Yes my dogs have given so much through their gentle love, presence and peaceful being…

Love and blessings to all…

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through different aspect

Zephyr: What a wonderful idea for a thread! Thank you so much for starting it. And let me see. What's helped me?

1) Breathing. It sounds so silly, but taking the time to really breathe into my body and feel the physical sensations of sorrow and anger and love and anguish, and taking the time to inhale and exhale fully, helped enormously. It helped my body process, and though it might have made me seem more emotional in some ways (I'd cry more easily), it really helped get those emotions flowing.

2) Walking. Specifically, walking in nature. I don't know what it is, but being outside with the plants and insects and creatures and the fluttering aliveness of the world–to be with a certain aliveness that's okay with death–helped. And I think moving my body was a part of that; the slow gentle rhythm of walking, like the slow gentle rhythm of the breath, helped my emotions move, too.

3) Writing. For me, writing helps with everything.

4) Groups. Be it groups such as this or other in-person ones, being with others who know how to listen well and who are okay with the crazy-making nature of loss has always helped me.

5) Reading. Not always, but sometimes, reading the experiences of others (again, either in forums like this or in books) has helped.

6) Talking. Finding someone who'll listen, deeply, to the story of a life and death with compassion, is wonderful, at least for me. It goes a bit with writing, I think–telling the story, for some strange and beautiful reason, is important.

7) Self-care. This covers a lot, I know, but really remembering to take care of my physical self, the self that is still here, can be hard for me, and so asking for hugs or making time for massages is something I've found important.

I think that's it for now.

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through different aspect

This thread is a treasure, thank you.

1. DOING stuff\projects about and for your beloved - Gra-anna's Book was a big project and was tremendously therapeutic. It made me feel I was adding to the meaning of her life and also I was able to go to a lot of the sore places, cry my eyes out and journey with my beloved. Creating a tribute, making an album or scrapbook, telling the story - at the memorial of my friend Fieke, as with my daughter, i spoke and shared about her life and this gave me the sense of transcending and being there for others.. which leads me to my next suggestion
 
2. Being there for others. I find it healing when I give support to others in their grief. When Gra-anna passed on I spent a lot of time speaking to her son, my grandson and helping him find ways of relating to the loss of mom. Also her partner and many others who were stunned and felt over whelmed.

3. Doing things which keep me busy and help me to feel meaningful. When Gra-anna passed on, I took a plane to attend her funeral. While I was at the airport I received a text on my phone from my younger daughter. She had meant to send it to her father but sent it to me accidentally, saying, 'we have seen her body. She had a little smile on her lips. We don't know what to do now so we're waiting for mom'. And in this moment I knew I would be arranging everything - which I had no experience of - in a foreign country. Also the day I arrived Gra-anna and her partner had been scheduled to move home… so i had a LOT on my hands to do - and looking back I know it helped.

4. Going to the places others find hard to face… I find this helps me and usually others too. 'Being the mouthpiece' 'giving voice' to that which needs to be given voice to but would remain unsaid unless one does it oneself… can help enormously

gotto go now… will continue later as I think of more
love

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through different aspect

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through different aspect

This is such a wonderful outlet for our souls. Thanks for your insight and follow through.
Eye find conscious deep breathing as my most effective response to every challenge that comes my way. Eye accept my breath as my god with limitless potentials to handle and resolve everything. Indeed a conscious deep breathing practice is the best of all life skills. Breathe on everything that comes your way and you will always be at peace with yourself and the rest of the world.
Lots of love and blessings one conscious deep breath at a time.

Re: Share tips on what has helped us get through...

1.  Breathed consciously.
2.  Allowed and experienced whatever feelings and thoughts I had about the loss.
3.  Accepted the inevitable fact that we all die.
4.  Wrote a letter to the deceased to say what was unsaid.
5.  Comforted others, which in turn comforted me.
6.  Spent time in nature which reminded me of the beauty and goodness of life.
7.  Laughed…I watched Monty Python films.
8.  Read books on grief and loss.
9.   Focused on positive mind state through hypnosis and guided imagery.
10.  Shared my experience with compassionate friends from Gaia and others.
11.  Created art to express and release.
12.  Prayed.
13.  Nurtured my body with healthy food and supplements.
14.  Hugged my loved ones more often.