Exhale And Inhale C&C please

Exhale and Inhale  

This black bakelite madrigal will sing no more.
        Poised on three-legged pedestal it holds
an altared place within my strange abandonment,           
        and here on the fog-bound exile westward procession
                I wait your call, infinitely.  

Yesterday's urgent challenges defeat me with simple implacability.
        I swirl drunkenly across a pigeon-toed sidewalk and sing my heated
breaths in undertones of effort. 
        Cruising the shops of lower Clement I searched for just the thing to
   give to you so you would know my love
        without knowing how much.  

So tiresome newspaper piles rot upon my porch and I wonder       
        where the point of vanishing can truly lead.  

Can you see the missing underwear I hold and sickly cherish
     so that you will never leave?  Can you feel the hold I place upon
the ether as I spin my loose-laced web of calling and pretend it
     is merely a dream-catcher. 

I know there hides a choice. 
     Denied, it festers in a pool I will not drain. 

Wistfully, I make the bed.  

Samiyam

Re: Exhale And Inhale C&C please

Samiyam, I like your style here, and the read held my interest, you have interesting turns of phrase, and the poem flows nicely, not a lot to crit, a couple of things things did occur to me,
typo - Altared, as an altar? or altered as in change?
Perhaps your title could be something more catchy, to draw the reader in to what is an interesting poem.?
finally -  Denied, it festers in a pool I will not drain. felt like a strong last line, and left my mind busy and thoughtful
Wistfully I made the bed, for me felt like an afterthought, more mundane, it may just be my reaction though, others may like that, but just something for you to consider and use or lose as you see fit. 
On the whole this worked well for me, thank you for sharing this here.These are just suggestions hopefully you will get more offerings, comments.

Re: Exhale And Inhale C&C please

Thanks… I appreciate the feedback.  Yes, the title needs work.  Yes, I meant Altared as in an altar… the phone sitting on the table as a fetish would sit upon an altar.  I'll consider the last line… I'm not exactly in love with it either.

Namaste`

Samiyam

Re: Exhale And Inhale C&C please

Hello Samiyam,

I enjoyed this poem too. I sort of like the last line as a return to the concrete in some way. It occurred to me that punctuating it with ellipses rather than a period might be more evocative of the unresolved nature of the situation. it also occurred to me that the line might feel more inevitable (while being still still somehow surprising), if while maintaining the contrast in meaning and image with the sentence before it it be made part of some loose rhyme with something before it, either in something like the kind of couplet that ends scenes in Shakespeare or by some other kind of rhyme or rhythmic device. alternatively, it might  also work to just intensify the contrast that is already there by expanding, exaggerating, intensifying the line previous line and mood in various ways…I am not sure about any of these suggestions though…just thoughts…

Thanks for posting,

–I-P