dream of a black rabbit

Re: dream of a black rabbit

Hi Sherab,

I really like this poem which is so sensual and evocative of, dreams, and mystery. It feels to me like a dream itself, or perhaps–there is something so cinematic about it– like an exquisitely made trailor to a surreal Gothic fantasy film about an interdimensional love affair between sorcerers…well no that's not right (i have just read it again) the beauty of the poem seems less fantastic then that (although the cat being older than the speaker makes one imagine, in the context of other things mentioned, that it might be not really a cat at all). Other than that though, on second reading it seems that the dream is really “just” a dream and the person dreaming a normal human poet who is perhaps also follower of wicca. (I find the poem just as magical–but in a somewhat different way– on second reading; on first reading of someones poem my own imagination often gets in the way of getting what I am reading. ).

Should “he is older than I and forgotten his name we call..” be “he is older than I and I having forgotten his name we call..etc”?

I can't find anything wrong with the linebreaks or stanzas, the poem seems to me to flow wonderfully…

I really enjoyed reading this, thanks for posting…please post more!

–I-P

Re: dream of a black rabbit

Thank you for sharing this intriguing poem Sherab. The title interesting, drew me in,  it flows nicely, and your linebreaks seem fine, after reading this many times over, I did wonder how the drawer could be described as empty if it had scraps of paper in it, old drawer or forgotten drawer might be an alternative, but first few reads it seemed to make sense, might just be me.
To me this poem speaks about someones unrealised dreams for life / ambitions, how life can pass by before we know it, once a full moon now a crescent moon and I am thinking symbolism regarding the rabbit, facing our fears, looking out for self, protection/ humility, just some of the things,  and black representing depth, mystery hidden things, dark side. Book of dreams and shadow, wasn't that about the palestinian problem?
I am going to suggest that you might capitalise as in normal writing, capitalising does tend to impede flow, check out any book of modern poetry and you will see that's how it's done these days and what modern editors require.  If you were writing old fashioned words/ style thee thou etc the capitals every line would be appropriate. This held my interest, an intriguing read, and much enjoyed. 

Re: dream of a black rabbit

This is a poem that I really enjoyed reading: it has atmosphere that is palpable, unexpected elements and that disjointed feeling of dreams that all comes together because of the person experiencing or writing.
 I feel I'm in the scene, watching a rabbit and the moon in the 1st verse and then suddenly asleep and dreaming.

I do have some suggestions for the first verse, if I may [and a tiny grammatical point in the second]
~~~~~~~~~~
My dream returned like a late crescent moon
riding high over placid waters [perhaps add some word/s here?]
A black rabbit hidden by his own shadow,
Still in the grass at the edge of the road.

My ship came home empty,  
A cargo of whispers
Tossed in the easy wind  
Without the weight of apples
And iron to hold it's  its course.
===========


The rest is….poetry! Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem, William.

Re: dream of a black rabbit

it's a wonderful poem William. Very enigmatic. I sense a strong but subtle longing throughout and especially at the end.

Just a few small queries -

stanza 3 line 2 - lilies?
stanza 4 line 1 - add has in front of forgotten?
stanza 6 line 1 - do you want the comma at the end of the line? That is, are the hours full of counting, and full of lists or are the hours full of counting lists etc?
stanza 7 line 4 - perhaps no comma at the end to segue better into the next line.

I agree with Zephyr about the capitals and the flow - 

Again, great poem. Always enjoy your verses,

Love,

Nicole

Re: dream of a black rabbit

In a live poetry workshop, it is often considered poor form to defend your own poems, explain them or try to justify the way they were written. usually at a round table discussion, everybody gets to make their comments, and the poet just listens.

Sometimes it' s OK to state what you were trying to do and ask for feed back, “How could I do this better.”

I remember one group in school a few years ago. I had brought in a few tightly worded poems in previous weeks. First a sonnet and then a few stanzas that I was hoping to turn into a sonnet. When I brought in a free verse poem that i wrote more spontaneously that the previous ones, the group seemed non-plussed. One person repeatedly what meant by this line or that one. It was as if she were asking, “Why did you write this?”

Fortunately, the group leader knew the context and said “It's a cultural reference.”
A part of the poem was about some one not getting that particular reference, and feeling frustrated.

Naturally after a bad crit session, I felt  a little abused, so I asked for the one thing that everyone had left out from their comments; “What was the feeling of the poem; what was the emotional tone?”

Somehow, they had nothing to say, as though I had missed the point, and committed some social blunder just by asking. After a pause, our leader looked up and said “foreboding,” and then we moved on.

For me it was important to know that I had conveyed that quality, even if I wasn't fully aware of it at the time of writing.  I have spent a good deal of time trying to say amazing, clever, witty things: scanning the lines and counting the syllables so the meter runs consistently through each verse, But I often forget about how i feel, and that's the part of a poem that stays with you and allows it to seep into your being and affect you as a person.

some of the most valuable criticism for me, comes from readers pointing out what works for them and explaining why.  If someone comments, “I like this particular line because it reminds me of (something else,) It gives me a sense of where the person is coming from and how the poem communicates to them.

I wrote this  using the title as a prompt. A few years ago, someone released several domestic rabbits in my neighborhood. They were fine until the local cats got them. many years ago, a friend of mine had a small rabbit, which she secretly kept in her dormitory room. I'm not sure if there is any connection. I put an illustration with this title on a web-log, and over the years, that entry receives more visits than any other. I'm not sure if people found what they were looking for, but out there on the web, there are quite a few people looking for an answer to “the dream of the black rabbit.”
 
The middle of the poem is what interests me most. In the last two stanzas, i was trying to bring the thing to a close. The conundrum of what lies in an empty drawer was borrowed from another poem.

I do appreciate your comments. I'll consider limiting capitals to their grammatical role, but I do capitalize lines because of the advice of a particular teacher who suggested that each line ought to be that important, as though it were capitalized. I used to write sonnets, so that kind of formality seemed appropriate. thanks,
william

Re: dream of a black rabbit

Older rabbit

This dream rabbit comes back to me
from time to time.
Last time it was someone dressed
in a rabbit costume,
Sleeping.
Now the rabbit is a shadow
which I cannot see.
Just outside my window,
She waits in the dew damp grass,
still, under the one bright planet.
A sleepy bird chirps
unconvincingly in the dark

Re: dream of a black rabbit

Sherab, I'm enjoying this series, your sleepy bird reminds me of my chickens response when I put them to bed safe from Mr fox each night, they sort of acknowledge me from their perch. A good read, flows nicely, minor, but noticed one capital after a comma.