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Poets Workshop.

Short term goal -  to share our knowledge and hone our poetic skills.

Long term goal -  to produce a high quality anthology of inspiring  poems together under the Gaia umbrella, to spread love peace and light in the world. 

Aim - A  safe place where poets can meet to receive feedback and constructive support...(more)
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post for light critique, or C&C, see guidelined
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Zephyr : Poeticspirit
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Zephyr : Poeticspirit
Zephyr Asking folks to remember guidelines, 2 comments on other poems per one post of your own pretty please.! It is possible to learn a lot by considering other peoples poems and it will help your own poetic craft. Don't be shy,and stick to critique of the poem - not the poet., if you are new to critique, just share what you liked and what worked for you in the poem, and anything that did not work for you. (5 months ago)
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  mIRRORMERE : Photoscriber

Craving Calliope

mIRRORMERE said Jun 6, 3:31 PM:
 



Craving Calliope    

Under the dome of night,
my bones scream
your name. Still,
you do not come.  

I bottle the day
hoping to capture
your scent.  Still,
you do not come.  

I have bent the firmament,
displaced dust and stars.  Still,
you do not come.  

Alone,
waiting for you
by the moon-mirrored lake,
whose fish
hold the universe
in their eyes.  

Drew Adler © 1998 All Rights Reserved

I wrote this many years ago, but it still rings true as I stretch to recapture my muse…   I thought it was a decent first post.  I love constructive critique…it's the only way I can hone my skills.  Please fire away. :)
  Zephyr : Poeticspirit

Re: Craving Calliope

Zephyr said Jun 7, 11:08 AM:
 

Thank you for sharing this Drew. A satisfying title, I like the repeat of the C sounds
The repeat of Still, you do not come.   emphasises the craving, and I love the fish with the universe in their eyes.line really works for me. If anything, i guess I felt the anonymity of your muse, and wished to know more of how you interact with her.
  mIRRORMERE : Photoscriber

Re: Craving Calliope

mIRRORMERE said Jun 8, 12:07 PM:
 

Thanks.  I actually tried to use repetition as the base for this poem which was quite a departure from most of my other work; I usually prefer to be much more subtle. The fish who hold the universe in their eyes is one of my tightest lines; it is probably the main visual focus for the poem.  I designed this work to be like Star Wars (now called a New hope), I'll post the prequel soon.  :)  Thanks for the critique.
  I-P : Individual-Person

Re: Craving Calliope

I-P said Jun 7, 11:12 AM:
 

hi mirrormere,

well Erato was certainly present if Calliope wasn't.. lovely poem…I particularly love the ending, which gives the whole thing an far eastern flavor stylistically in my mind. I wonder if “lake-mirrored moon” might make more sense unless it really is the lake that is being mirrored by the moon and not visa versa (perhaps the lake is moon-shaped?), or to keep the alliteration you could say “moon-mirroring lake” (which admittedly seems less elegant but might just take some getting used to). I think I got the right image on the first reading though (if the right image is of a beautiful high moon reflected in a lake) so maybe the exact semantics or whatever don't matter so much in this case.

anyway, lovely poem. welcome and thanks for posting,

I-P
  mIRRORMERE : Photoscriber

Re: Craving Calliope

mIRRORMERE said Jun 8, 12:20 PM:
 

   It's interesting you bring up the Far East in your critique.  I had been binging on Solomon's Song of Songs and several midrashim.  Middle Eastern, yes but there is a heavy influence due to the proximity to the Far East and incorporation of aspects from legends of the Silk Road.  I'm glad you picked up on that voice. 
    As for the Moon-mirrored lake, I was trying to give the reader a visual of the water taking on the contours and texture of the moon as well as the rest of the celestrial sky.  It is definately a difficult leap to make from a short phrase like that.  It's been one of my biggest blocks for revision. :/  The alliteration has been it's only reason for mercy from the chopping block. 
    Thanks for your feedback I-P :)