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Autumn Gold

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:57:18 GMT

Autumn Gold ( for C&C please. )

Gold leaf is draped over gardens bed
and soon the mud will turn them brown
the garden tools stacked in the shed
heavy dew lays soft as thistledown

A robin sits on the handle of my spade
his bright eye spies a big fat worm
disturbed where tree's roots, just laid,
spread in fertile soil and trodden firm,

red breast replete the bird rests
where tree stands bare on leafy floor;
scant promise of fine apple harvests
to swell each fruitful winter store

hear pollen seeking buzz of bumble bees
thinking summers warmth will never die
while Canada geese scribe honking V'S
in a brisk and wind-blown cloudy sky

Fat lambs bleat loud from far green hill.
The vines purple bloom is plump and sweet
as sunshine brims over into winter's chill
toad settles into winter's frozen sleep.

Re: running --c&c

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:20:11 GMT

Sherab, I have had a couple of nights with very little sleep,Mum not well, hoping to get a better night tonight, so will come back to this when I am fresh tomorrow, initial read left me admiring the flow and the way you turned phrases around, but it also left me with questions, like who was abandoned?, The blue baby, sad loved one, or literal, it felt a little disconnected in places, yet good flow in others, struggling to comprehend but that may be because I am a country bumpkin, rather than city type. In some areas you have normal capitalisation and in others capitals on every line, which tends to separate where there is no separation.
I particularly liked this twist, ( how we kid ourselves } -
whatever happens, they’ll come back to this moment.
I waited all these years, thinking it would be all right.
They are gone.
It never was all right.

and -
Across the wide grass running
A thousand meters high
The red cloud at sunset
Burned in back of my mind

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://symbol.gaia.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:40:23 GMT

You know, I like this, but it doesn,t quite get all the way to Poetry for me.
I can hear something in the malleability of clay and something else about the light.
I f you could make it so that a young woman is wedging some clay, and trying to push the stiffness out of it and bring it to life, and the light is coming in through the studio window in a certain way, so that it kind of shines and glitters as she puts it on the wheel, then I'd buy the poem.

I think it is cool though, because you always have this to come back to, all these ideas you have in this little poem.

running --c&c

http://symbol.gaia.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:23:31 GMT

Across the wide grass running
A thousand meters high
The red cloud at sunset
Burned in back of my mind
Everything halting
Like statues on a train
The mumbling of passengers
Who never said hello.
The place reeks of poetry
And bad investments
Sawdust in the corner
Like robbery
And holding nothing dear
They come rumbling to a stop
Apocalyptic pencil shavings
and crumpled newsprint
The empty seats stare back at you
All those mornings yesterday
Came back in a rush
More horses in the rain
Running from thunder.
Concrete follows
Like a lean dog
In the undergrowth
Grinning with panic
The pain stumbles after
Hobbles the mind
Fetters the blood
A small dream
Of rabbits in the garden
Tattooed cats
And words
that crystallize in the sun.
I’m letting this get away from me
Because you were with me then
And we both had something in our eyes.
It almost gets you going
when you think it cant get worse
then the running happens
everything crashing after
just because the words didn’t fit their meaning.
There’s no need for you in the room tonight
this blue baby
catch your breath.
Leave us alone we bury our own.
Now the rain can come.
I really was crazy.
Everyone said I was.
Now it’s true.
You know whatever happens, they’ll come back to this moment.
I waited all these years, thinking it would be all right.
They are gone.
It never was all right.
Abandoned.
And why should I care.
You never see light like that in the city.
Always staring at the sky --till the needle breaks and splits like fire in the night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were a lot of 'thoughts' when i wrote this.
mostly I was trying not to think. (I think to much sometimes-not enough when it matters)

I'd like to know what people see here in terms on meaning (if any) and what parts you think work together (or Don't belong)
If you have some thoughts of Rhyme or Meter, ore even Punctuation and Grammar.
[Does it make any sense and if so --what does it say?]

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:53:53 GMT

What do you think, Zephyr, about the knowledge and light? Does it work for you? I'll sit with it and move away from that very attractive mystery --lol!!!

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:49:03 GMT

Wow Meenakshi, a little gem,that gives clarity for me now, does it feel right to you?

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:42:53 GMT

Hmm..I'll see why I thought of mystery -- I think it's because we live in mystery till perhaps one day we will know all --when we are whatever is meant to be uncovered.

So, if I don't use 'all',
=====================Draft 2==========
Moist with light

The clay vessel
Fills up with knowledge
Empties
Into the All

When full, it disintegrates
when empty it bathes in dawning light

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:21:42 GMT

Hi Meenakshi
I took time to define and look at the synonyms for mystery

Main Entry:
mystery

Part of Speech:
noun

Definition:
puzzle, secret

Synonyms:
abstruseness, brainteaser, braintwister, charade, chiller, cliffhanger, closed book, conundrum, crux, cryptogram, difficulty, enigma, grabber, inscrutability, inscrutableness, mindboggler, mystification, occult, oracle, perplexity, poser, problem, puzzlement, question, rebus, riddle, rune, secrecy, sixty-four-thousand-dollar question, sphinx, stickler, stumper, subtlety, teaser, thriller, tough nut to crack, twister, whodunit, why*

Antonyms:

known, understanding

Somehow for the reader mystery doesn't seem to fit with the content of your poem, maybe understanding or enlightenment light, or some such word ?

Moist with Un.....

The vessel of clay
Fills up with knowledge
Empties
Into the All

Wondering if you need it all, or if it all is superflous ? Just a suggestion to keep it tight.

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:32:05 GMT

Thanks Kevin, you've given me an idea about its ambiguity. Trouble is, allegorical poems are usually ambiguous, aren't they?

So--may I tell you what I'm trying to convey and perhaps you could tell me if something else comes up?

I'm trying to convey that we are like a vessel that gets filled with knowledge [water]. As we do, we grow, expand and so on --all desirable ends of becoming more knowledgeable.
But since we're made of clay, we can break if we hold on to the knowledge. We've to empty ourselves of knowledge so that we may still stay moist --this is the crux of these verses. That knowledge that isn't imbibed, or absorbed into the vessel's clay, is superfluous; and dangerous as it can destroy. Only that knowledge is of use that a vessel/person has imbibed. That is the meaning of moist.

Now as to 'mystery'; I'm pondering if another word would fit. At first, 'mercy ' doesn't resonate with me perhaps because it brings in the idea of God or a higher power being merciful...another point but I'm not dismissing it. Do you feel it's mercy, and if so, how would it fit into this explanation?

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://107LamplighterDrive.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:50:28 GMT

Hi Meenakshi, I'd would have the vessel be strengthened by staying moist so
it could be "Moist with Unending Mercy," rather than mystery since Mercy
is needed more than mystery. This would of course put a different meaning out,
but I'd like it better. Otherwise, I think the message is too ambiguous. This is my opinion, but it's feels better to me. All the best, Kevin

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:08:31 GMT

I won't be able to edit it; but could you add tags, Zephyr?

Tags: allegory, spiritual path, emptiness, relation of soul to God/Source/Creator/Universe

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:18:39 GMT

Hi Meenakshi, could you do what I did in my new poem latest blog and add tags underneath, kind of explaining your thought process ?

Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:15:19 GMT

Moist with Unending Mystery

The vessel of clay
Fills up with knowledge
Empties it all
Into the All

Clay stays strong when moist
And disintegrates with the weight of water

=================

This is just evolving and I'd love the help of the poets here. Like the clay I write off, I am willing for it to be disintegrated or strengthened...

Shortlived Shrews.

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:08:57 GMT

For fun tried some rhyme, wondering if it works.

Shortlived Shrews.

A crescent moon shines a milky light,
a mysterious dance on the face of night.
More eloquent as twilight fades away
tall fingers of poplar whisper and sway,

Common shrew dark brown, pale brown,whitish,
dense velvety fur, bright eyes that are smallish
long pointy nose hides red teeth in pink gum.
tails held caravan style, shrew babies trail Mum

Shrew, leaves an often borrowed house
hidden under shrubs seeks earwig and louse
an insect feast, for they eat their own weight.
Hears tawny owls too-wit-too-woo, it's a late

call, her distant reply pierces the gloom.
A night like this, our shrew will meet it's doom
matched by owls superb vision and silent flight
to be a feast for tawny owl one fateful night.

Re: Seeds of light for C & C please

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:10:29 GMT

Meenakshi, I like the change, more open yet reads smoothly,

Re: Seeds of light for C & C please

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:22:13 GMT

Divine consciousness that once roamed the land
As teacher, healer, sage,
Sowed seeds of longing as it rose into eternity
Has returned to fulfill its promise
To blossoms that are now unfurling

--

Re: Seeds of light for C & C please

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:10:15 GMT

Definitely helps...I'm going to let it come through - thanks a lot, Zephyr.

Re: Seeds of light for C & C please

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:49:59 GMT

Hi Meenakshi, the part where you are not satisfied, maybe instead of naming, perhaps you might say divine spirits roamed, then the reader could imagine their particular divinity, christ, mohammed etc? Dormant seeds is another possibility? I like the phrase fulfill a promise,. You have several ings in the verse sprouting longing sowing, these can add a sort of sing song quality, which you may or may not want here.
I do feel it's more grounded now, something for the reader to hang their vision on, and you are right to leave some bits hanging to leave room for the readers imagination.
On your quality of light maybe consider intensity, direction and color, and metallic makes me think of reflective light, silvered, like moonlight on water, hope something here is helpful, it's coming together well.

Re: Seeds of light for C & C please

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:09:09 GMT

I am delighted with the co-creation which is how poetry seems to me

Not fully satisfied with

So the consciousness that once roamed the land
As Buddha, Christ, and other anointed ones
Departed after sowing seeds of longing
Has returned to fulfill its promise
To seeds that showed signs of sprouting

--and
am wondering how to bring to light that unique feel to light which is metallic yet can pass through everything.
--Zephyr, thank you for sitting with it and giving time.

I wonder if it is now more grounded as you had mentioned, for the average reader? though sometimes I do think that I like the poem to draw people in to their own visions.

Re: Seeds of light for C & C please

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:12:56 GMT

Meenakshi, you definitely are a poet if you are writing poetry, honing poetic skills is a lifelong task, The great poets never stopped trying to perfect revised and revised again, even those greats who wrote for years. We all have to start somewhere, and when we love poetry, as you have here we put our passion into it, and put the poem before ego, I love how you open to suggestion and yet still make the poem uniquely yours, expressing your ideas and passion. Are you pleased how your poem has grown? I have a lot of respect for others work and try to read and absorb, several times before making any comments and this is first read of your revision, will be back later today, hugs dear fellow poet - and I am just that, a fellow poet sharing ideas, and respecting your creative integrity, not an expert. So consider comments and only take what works for your poem