Gaia: Poets Workshop. - Poets Workshop. Light critique or Indepth critique, please state preference.

Re: The Known World

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:12:47 GMT

IP, i read this several times and got more from it each time, I could really feel it as a song. Things I especially liked were how the last verse fits so snug with the chorus ending. Loved how you coined designer memories

Only thing I wondered about was hands and hand rhyme, a bit samey but I it seems to work

Like the human soul long under siege
has been replaced altogether
with designer memories… this set me thinking how soul within nature gets lost in cities and a man made reality

I liked the irony of rising in the heirarchy of slaves too, not every poem / song has to be cheerful, it's original and I much enjoyed, could imagine the music.
Thank you for sharing it here.

The Known World

http://HealthyCulture.gaia.com — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 11:40:11 GMT

{I wrote this in part in response to reading the book by the same name. not one of my more cheerful moments certainly. the song is in A minor. Has a good, somewhat haunting melody (eversoslightly reminencent of "hotel california" in one place..)..its rather difficult to come up with good rhymes for "world" though. I think they sort of work in song from. Not sure about them just written out though.}

The Known World
by I-P

just look out of this window
see a picture framed by bloody hands
or a pleasant green courtyard
where the progressive age is at hand

The second vision's so tranquil
so seductive in its imagery
like sailing ships agaist the skyline
coming westward on the sea...

I wonder, O I wonder
as we strain to leave the past behind
do we remain the captives of
"ol pirates" of the mind?
does a northern star still beckon
from where freedoms bright flag stands unfurled

chorus:

beyond the Known World (3x)

who are these people around me?
are they neighbors or they enemies?
are they tourists in an old country
that they never even see?

Is this mildew of the spirit?
Are these intuitions growing stale?
hearts numbed by rationalizations
of immoralities of scale?...

I wonder and I wonder
as we strain to leave our pain behind
If we're still just desperate immigrants
with our homeland still to find,
if "beyond here still be dragons"
guarding the treasure of sanity's pearls

Beyond the known world...

Bridge:

The devil that you know
brags to the angel that you don't:
"our client here is really quite attached to me...
you think he'll take your blessings
I assure you that he won't;
he's more afraid of justice
then he is of misery..."

still its strangely surprising
witnessing all the pathetically grave
and proud ambitions of rising
In the hierarchy of slaves...

Its like theres been some invasion
Like the human soul long under siege
has been replaced altogether
with designer memories...

I wonder, yes I wonder
as our days and our nights blunder on
If we'll really ever manage to get
our souls back out of pawn...
and reclaim the healing vision
that conceits single vision has hurled...

beyond the known world....

(chorus end)

Re: Messiaen

http://HealthyCulture.gaia.com — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 11:21:17 GMT

well I think I will check out this Messiaens music!

Thanks again for posting,

I-P

Re: Messiaen

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:23:50 GMT

Yes, actually Messiaen had a piece called 20 Glances At Baby Jesus. His pieces are so mysterious! These trills, like bird calls, fly through the mostly frightening disonance in his pieces. I was so intruigued by the theme of this particular piece, coupled with a few others including The Star and the Cross. His air of mystery created the mystery in this poem. I cannot give myself full credit! :)

Re: Messiaen

http://HealthyCulture.gaia.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:37:46 GMT

I like this poem but its the kind of poem in which I enjoy filling in the blanks with my imagination. messiaen is, i think, an composer?...of the time of Handel...no...(i just googled) much later..but complex spiritual/religious music yes?...in my imagination i was substituting the music of Arvo Part...maybe because of the mention of church bells and his "Tintinabuli" (nice word huh?) churchbell style of writing...the "20 glances" feels a little awkward/arbitrary to me but for all I know it might be the name of a piece of music by Messian... otherwise, perhaps I might have put "so many" instead of "20". there is also an association with the quiz show or game "20 questions" which seems to me to trivialize the mood ever so slightly. Or i might choose (because specificity is usually better) "12 glances", or "7" or some number with Christian connotations just for the resonance (probably twelve is better; 7 is more Jewish I guess). All in all though, the whole thing played in my mind like a classy music video or film segment with a medieval motif complete with candlelight, madonna and child and gothic church bells. I enjoyed the whole thing. Thanks for posting

Re: Messiaen

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 23:22:00 GMT

I have read this prose poem a few times, good flow, an intriguing write, though it leaves me with questions, wondering.... have not heard his music, but is this referring to the French composer?

Messiaen

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 23:33:12 GMT

Messiaen A mother cradles her child in her arms,He looks different now, different than a moment ago.A different light,A different angle.20 glances, and still she does not understandthis creature,though he is her own. The music of the stars,twinkle a massive harmony not unlike the watery depthscreeping through mounds of moss, rocks obscure.Not unlike the shrill, angry, fiery call of a bird,The music of light, melting. 20 glances and still… The music of the stars softly touches the cross.The cross mounted delicately in soft earth.So dark and forbidding of love, it melts.Death is peaceful, easy,No one will ever see the beautyin death. 20 glances and still… Church bells ring,frightening dissonance in their crisp sound.Night is fading quickly,a new day shall make its way across the sky,no different than the very first.Until the symphony starts again,and the cross waits,and church bells ring,and 20 glances at the child,The pain in his ever-changing eyes…quietly now, Messiaen

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://sanmugan2006.gaia.com — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:12:37 GMT

I came here through the link provided in Bhatta's blog. Looking for Not god means every thing God. All are god. Inside and out side too God. Entire Universe is god. Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba once said " I am also god, You are also god " but people misinterpreted it. You have written a long poem. Thanks you very much.

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://Bhatta.gaia.com — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:46:43 GMT

Janmadyasya yatah - Brahma Sutra 1.1.2
(Brahman is that) from which the origin, sustenance and dissolution of this world proceed.

Autumn Gold

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:57:18 GMT

Autumn Gold ( for C&C please. )

Gold leaf is draped over gardens bed
and soon the mud will turn them brown
the garden tools stacked in the shed
heavy dew lays soft as thistledown

A robin sits on the handle of my spade
his bright eye spies a big fat worm
disturbed where tree's roots, just laid,
spread in fertile soil and trodden firm,

red breast replete the bird rests
where tree stands bare on leafy floor;
scant promise of fine apple harvests
to swell each fruitful winter store

hear pollen seeking buzz of bumble bees
thinking summers warmth will never die
while Canada geese scribe honking V'S
in a brisk and wind-blown cloudy sky

Fat lambs bleat loud from far green hill.
The vines purple bloom is plump and sweet
as sunshine brims over into winter's chill
toad settles into winter's frozen sleep.

Re: running --c&c

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:20:11 GMT

Sherab, I have had a couple of nights with very little sleep,Mum not well, hoping to get a better night tonight, so will come back to this when I am fresh tomorrow, initial read left me admiring the flow and the way you turned phrases around, but it also left me with questions, like who was abandoned?, The blue baby, sad loved one, or literal, it felt a little disconnected in places, yet good flow in others, struggling to comprehend but that may be because I am a country bumpkin, rather than city type. In some areas you have normal capitalisation and in others capitals on every line, which tends to separate where there is no separation.
I particularly liked this twist, ( how we kid ourselves } -
whatever happens, they’ll come back to this moment.
I waited all these years, thinking it would be all right.
They are gone.
It never was all right.

and -
Across the wide grass running
A thousand meters high
The red cloud at sunset
Burned in back of my mind

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://symbol.gaia.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:40:23 GMT

You know, I like this, but it doesn,t quite get all the way to Poetry for me.
I can hear something in the malleability of clay and something else about the light.
I f you could make it so that a young woman is wedging some clay, and trying to push the stiffness out of it and bring it to life, and the light is coming in through the studio window in a certain way, so that it kind of shines and glitters as she puts it on the wheel, then I'd buy the poem.

I think it is cool though, because you always have this to come back to, all these ideas you have in this little poem.

running --c&c

http://symbol.gaia.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:23:31 GMT

Across the wide grass running
A thousand meters high
The red cloud at sunset
Burned in back of my mind
Everything halting
Like statues on a train
The mumbling of passengers
Who never said hello.
The place reeks of poetry
And bad investments
Sawdust in the corner
Like robbery
And holding nothing dear
They come rumbling to a stop
Apocalyptic pencil shavings
and crumpled newsprint
The empty seats stare back at you
All those mornings yesterday
Came back in a rush
More horses in the rain
Running from thunder.
Concrete follows
Like a lean dog
In the undergrowth
Grinning with panic
The pain stumbles after
Hobbles the mind
Fetters the blood
A small dream
Of rabbits in the garden
Tattooed cats
And words
that crystallize in the sun.
I’m letting this get away from me
Because you were with me then
And we both had something in our eyes.
It almost gets you going
when you think it cant get worse
then the running happens
everything crashing after
just because the words didn’t fit their meaning.
There’s no need for you in the room tonight
this blue baby
catch your breath.
Leave us alone we bury our own.
Now the rain can come.
I really was crazy.
Everyone said I was.
Now it’s true.
You know whatever happens, they’ll come back to this moment.
I waited all these years, thinking it would be all right.
They are gone.
It never was all right.
Abandoned.
And why should I care.
You never see light like that in the city.
Always staring at the sky --till the needle breaks and splits like fire in the night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were a lot of 'thoughts' when i wrote this.
mostly I was trying not to think. (I think to much sometimes-not enough when it matters)

I'd like to know what people see here in terms on meaning (if any) and what parts you think work together (or Don't belong)
If you have some thoughts of Rhyme or Meter, ore even Punctuation and Grammar.
[Does it make any sense and if so --what does it say?]

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:53:53 GMT

What do you think, Zephyr, about the knowledge and light? Does it work for you? I'll sit with it and move away from that very attractive mystery --lol!!!

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:49:03 GMT

Wow Meenakshi, a little gem,that gives clarity for me now, does it feel right to you?

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 03:42:53 GMT

Hmm..I'll see why I thought of mystery -- I think it's because we live in mystery till perhaps one day we will know all --when we are whatever is meant to be uncovered.

So, if I don't use 'all',
=====================Draft 2==========
Moist with light

The clay vessel
Fills up with knowledge
Empties
Into the All

When full, it disintegrates
when empty it bathes in dawning light

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:21:42 GMT

Hi Meenakshi
I took time to define and look at the synonyms for mystery

Main Entry:
mystery

Part of Speech:
noun

Definition:
puzzle, secret

Synonyms:
abstruseness, brainteaser, braintwister, charade, chiller, cliffhanger, closed book, conundrum, crux, cryptogram, difficulty, enigma, grabber, inscrutability, inscrutableness, mindboggler, mystification, occult, oracle, perplexity, poser, problem, puzzlement, question, rebus, riddle, rune, secrecy, sixty-four-thousand-dollar question, sphinx, stickler, stumper, subtlety, teaser, thriller, tough nut to crack, twister, whodunit, why*

Antonyms:

known, understanding

Somehow for the reader mystery doesn't seem to fit with the content of your poem, maybe understanding or enlightenment light, or some such word ?

Moist with Un.....

The vessel of clay
Fills up with knowledge
Empties
Into the All

Wondering if you need it all, or if it all is superflous ? Just a suggestion to keep it tight.

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:32:05 GMT

Thanks Kevin, you've given me an idea about its ambiguity. Trouble is, allegorical poems are usually ambiguous, aren't they?

So--may I tell you what I'm trying to convey and perhaps you could tell me if something else comes up?

I'm trying to convey that we are like a vessel that gets filled with knowledge [water]. As we do, we grow, expand and so on --all desirable ends of becoming more knowledgeable.
But since we're made of clay, we can break if we hold on to the knowledge. We've to empty ourselves of knowledge so that we may still stay moist --this is the crux of these verses. That knowledge that isn't imbibed, or absorbed into the vessel's clay, is superfluous; and dangerous as it can destroy. Only that knowledge is of use that a vessel/person has imbibed. That is the meaning of moist.

Now as to 'mystery'; I'm pondering if another word would fit. At first, 'mercy ' doesn't resonate with me perhaps because it brings in the idea of God or a higher power being merciful...another point but I'm not dismissing it. Do you feel it's mercy, and if so, how would it fit into this explanation?

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://107LamplighterDrive.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:50:28 GMT

Hi Meenakshi, I'd would have the vessel be strengthened by staying moist so
it could be "Moist with Unending Mercy," rather than mystery since Mercy
is needed more than mystery. This would of course put a different meaning out,
but I'd like it better. Otherwise, I think the message is too ambiguous. This is my opinion, but it's feels better to me. All the best, Kevin

Re: Moist with Unending Mystery - C&C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:08:31 GMT

I won't be able to edit it; but could you add tags, Zephyr?

Tags: allegory, spiritual path, emptiness, relation of soul to God/Source/Creator/Universe