Gaia: Poets Workshop. - Poets Workshop. Light critique or Indepth critique, please state preference. - Looking for NotGod- C & C

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://intuitivewisdom.gaia.com — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 17:25:51 GMT

Dear Meenakshi, Though nine months late on responding, i have to comment on this one. The form and the cadence works well for me so I have no critique. I loved the ride that I just went on with you...into the depths, down, down, down, letting myself down as I travel with you, seeking, sensing, seeing, all that is to be seen until dark begins its dance with light. My heart has such an easy time resonating with you! With Love, Susan

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:34:30 GMT

Hi Meenashki, my existence? history? lifetime buffeted. not many alternatives to life.came up with a few that might help?

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 02:02:29 GMT

Yaffa, thanks for dropping in with this perspicacious remark. You've hit the nail on the head for me. I felt that same way; and am not happy about a poem where I've to first explain what it's about...I guess I'll have to write another verse to explain.

Any suggestions?

Something that comes up, is:

Buffeted by the forces of life, I grew weary of strife
Failure dogged my steps towards a gracious life
At first I struggled, seeking fame, fortune and more
When dangers loomed, fear reared its ugly head
Till faith took a tumble, I was finally persuaded
That following God is not enough till we can defeat that NotGod

[hmmm. not happy with two "life"s in the first two lines...

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://yaffa.gaia.com — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 02:01:07 GMT

Meenakshi,,

It is very clever indeed, I like it, it is a bit confusing at first..it needs the intro...but very clever and bright indeed..I like it, and I like the ending in particular..

yaffa

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:18:20 GMT

Jami, Megan,
I am thankful for your comments.
I think a key to a poem that has been written, is not to be too attached to it;as I think I am to this poem. I loved writing it, felt very elevated and flowing; and am so thrilled at how that same feeling can be communicated to others...from wherever words come, they could not have come FROM me!

So, I should not try to judge it --as I did once again, but bow in thankfulness and ...fade out.

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://bluemoon.gaia.com — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 01:46:49 GMT

This is a powerful poem, which heralds to us the affection of the One we call God. I really enjoyed the flow and how the verses were tied together.

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://jami.gaia.com — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 16:43:05 GMT

Hi Meenakshi!

I really loved this poem, and I don't much believe in a "set style" for poetry. I think that if the words paint a picture and evoke a feeling, it shouldn't matter if it is in a certain style. This poem definitely does that! It takes the reader from the ugly in life to the most joyous realization! It is wonderful!

I agree with Amber that the transition here is perfect. I kind of like the word "For" in that sentence, as I think it helps the flow. I only have one small suggestion. Where you say S/he for God, the first time I read it I just saw the word "She" and it felt more powerful to me. However, that could really be a subjective view! So, take it or leave it how you please.

Good job here!

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://ambersbug.gaia.com — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 08:02:29 GMT

Oh so cool the now, here! I wonder if the kid had to re write the 100 sentences! I don't know if you can drop the For altogether. The reader will just have to get used to the new tempo because that's how the last part reads. Leave it in!

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 02:59:12 GMT

Dave,
Thank you for that great comment. I need to read up some more on Poe. After school, I don't think I've really done that.
Meenakshi

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 16:45:30 GMT

Amber, thanks for the C and C. I have to admit that when we were kids we heard the story of a child who was punished for being too God-loving [?!] and had to write "God is nowhere" 100 times. When the teacher came back, he saw that the kid had written "God is now,here"...that stayed with me.

When you say you tripped on the "For" ; do you have an idea about how to change it? It's stumped me.

I like your explanation of how the shortening of lines reveals searching changing into awareness. Thank you for that perspective. And thank you for your kind appreciation.

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 10:57:52 GMT

Not criticism right at the moment.

I enjoyed the poem immensely. It was quite epic in its scale.

Reads to me like an alchemical Edgar Allen Poe, if that makes any sense at all, to anyone other than me!

Re: Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://ambersbug.gaia.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 06:44:59 GMT

Hi Meenakshi!

I had to go out and look up what C & C stood for because all I could think of to say after reading this was WOW! I LOVE how you wrote this! Okay, so it's not in 'poem' form? I felt the rhythm of the piece all the way thru until the end.

That was my first and immediate 'C' as in comment! So I suppose that the other part is to critique? The only place I stumbled was;

"For God had joined the search with me" I wonder if 'For' tripped me up?

Or the last line of that verse, "I found that God is Now Here!"

The lines shortened up or something and I found myself switching gears. The poem switches from searching into awareness and that may be the exact way to transition!

My overall feeling was, read it again! It has a way of threading into the brain, causing one to exclaim, "Ahhhh"! Wonderful.

Looking for NotGod- C & C

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:33:00 GMT

I'd written this one several years ago, when I realized that we often challenge goodness and Divinity to reveal itself among the most negative circumstances of human life.

At the ego level, this is a search powered by fear, despair, anger: the "negative" human emotions. Looking deeper, we see the play of the hide and seek, with that wonderful message being passed to and fro:

I am not sure if the poem brings this out without this introduction; also, if I'm not sure if this is a poem in the strict sense of the term; as each verse is a different length and style?

Please C & C- then I could post the revised version on my blog/ Empowered pod, perhaps.

---------------------------

Looking for NotGod

by Meenakshi, 1999

Fearful for my safety, I went looking for NotGod

Hunting in the darkness of alley streets

And the cages of criminals,

I looked in the face of beasts

And the lairs of animals

I went gingerly, alert and ready

To battle, perhaps to run

To find and destroy the demons

And thus be safe forever

Protective about my feelings I went looking for NotGod

I peered in the faces of bullies

And in the jeers of crowds

In the cabins of bosses

And wherever there was power

I crept into all these places

For here I knew I'd find

The victims and the vanquished

Who had been left behind

To shield myself from shame I went looking for NotGod

Seeking the mortification of those with unequal bodies

The despair of those who had failed

Hurt in the eyes of lost lovers

The poor, the naked, the outsiders

In failure I'd find the disgrace of being

Out of step with the rest of the world

And then I could plead for the dignity

That each of us has sought

To protect myself from deception I went looking for NotGod

I frequented places where people sought

My time, my money, my attention

Attended talks by gurus and cons

And places where money changes hands

I wanted to find the people who cheat

And those who lie to steal

For I knew that if I could find them first

I'd be saving myself from hurt

To insulate myself from pain I went looking for NotGod

Peering into surgeries and sports fields

And wherever the body is pushed

I looked in places of violence

In homes and jails and schools

I looked in the hearts of criminals

And in the eyes of the afflicted

I rushed to find the pain

So I could stop the hurt

To stem the feeling of incompleteness I began to stalk NotGod

I needed to connect the separated strands

To root out the parts that were ruined

The places of worry and doubt

I tracked the places in all our hearts

Where inconsistency and chaos rule

The places where desire fights the desired

The darkest reaches of the soul

I looked in these places because I thought

That finally I'd find NotGod

In the places where kinks appear in our hearts

And I could work them out

But however hard I looked I could not find NotGod

For God had joined the search with me

And S/he was everywhere

So, thinking God is nowhere here

I found that God is Now Here!

In the unsafe places God is the courage we find

After we have known the unknown

Where feelings are hurt we learn to relate

To ourselves and to each other

Where there is Shame we discover

The self that needs to be nurtured

Where someone is cheated there is a lesson learned

That what we have gained should be nursed

Through the pain one can feel connected

To places that we never knew

And in the feeling of incompleteness is the knowledge of oneself

In which the fragrance of God can reside

In order to dispel darkness

I went with bravado to fight

But in the dark I realized

I could think of nothing but Light!

------------------------------------------------------------------