Gaia: Poets Workshop. - Poets Workshop. Light critique or Indepth critique, please state preference. - Something Different

Re: Something Different

http://symbol.gaia.com — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:06:59 GMT

I liked:

"surrounded by candles
and scents of old lovers,
sitting in her den, pausing
breath as she runs an errant finger
through the alcoves of her hand."

But "medusan witchery" seems kind of judgmental.

In the sense that the subjects seductive behavior might some how 'freeze' the speaker, as Medusa's victims were turned to stone, then I'd say OK, but there's not a lot to support that.
I like the image of feet tangled on the ottoman, but that alone does not seem very seductive. (I imagine socks.)
The word entangle, bothers me a little. It does support the medusa motif, (perhaps the only word that does,) But it implies that her feet capture something else in their tangles.
Like:
"Her feet entangle mine on the ottoman."
I wouldn't leave out the object of the sentence in this case. You could say:
"Her feet entangle each other..."
or:
"Her feet tangle on the ottoman."
if it's just her feet writhing around like snakes.

Also, "flaxen strand" seems out of place. It sounds blond and wholesome. If you used some serpentine, snakelike imagery it would broadcast the medusan quality.

Although Medusa is sometimes described as fair, The Gorgon sisters all inspired a paralyzing dread. Of the three only Medusa was mortal, and when Perseus took her head they wept with such passion that Athena created the flute, to commemorate their lament.

Re: Something Different

http://addresstofollow.gaia.com — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 20:32:39 GMT

Hi Drew, I love the surprise end - just behind her eyes lurks medusan witchery, I think I would suggest, try a little simile or metaphor earlier in the poem to hint at this without revealing it too soon. See poetic techniques below if it helps
For me something different felt a litttle vague, I wanted you to paint a word picture of how she was different? in what way authentic?
Personally I found poisonous velvet, though original, a bit of a stretch, difficult to imagine, it sounded like a contradiction, I could believe invasive poison ivy or opium or some such. Nice feel to the poem, hope something here is helpful, if not discard.

Re: Something Different

http://Meenakshi.gaia.com — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:38:12 GMT

Drew, I'm no poet, but as a reader, if I may:

First, I enjoyed it. It took me to a time perhaps of Sheba - long ago.

Then:

Not an angel,
nor a muse,
something different.

Suggestions:
Not an angel,
not a muse,
something different.

Or-
Not an angel nor a muse
Something different.
--
Question:
sitting in her den, pausing
breath as she runs an errant finger

Is this 'breath' the noun or breathe the verb? I couldn't quite get that.

Something Different

http://mIRRORMERE.gaia.com — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:12:16 GMT

Something Different

Not an angel,
nor a muse,
something different.

Adorned in poisonous velvet, she slips
into my thoughts. Once again,
Her feet entangle on the ottoman.
An invitation
no more than a wicked pass,
a thought,
surrounded by candles
and scents of old lovers,
sitting in her den, pausing
breath as she runs an errant finger
through the alcoves of her hand.
She rests
a flaxen strand on the ridge
of her upper lip.
Just behind her eyes
lurks Medusan witchery.

Drew Adler
© 1998 All Rights Reserved

This is the prequel to Craving Calliope. I still don't think that it's finished. It's
been through several revisions. I need help with a final revision so please critique it. :)