Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

Will o' The Wisp     ( revised )

Come. Where waters swirl in iridescent
mist beneath the purple hood of night.
Here shadow lurks in shadow, trees
submit to the will of the wind, trail bony
fingers over the landscape.I walk alone

through treacherous marshes, confused
as landscape is the same in all directions
wearying me. No voice will make me turn,
a distant light travels before me,flickers
in and out with each breath I take. Lures

me away from the well trodden path. I peer
ahead and in that incandescent glow, see
a skinny cinder-black figure, who gives
a malevolent stare from eyes that blaze
like red hot coals.A tongue of fire licks

thin red lips. His wind-blown hair flames
from his head as he drifts in a ball of light
contained in an eerie haze. I'm intrigued,
follow him for several miles, until suddenly
I find myself on the edge of a great chasm

where a roaring torrent rushes below
the great precipice. The figure in the ball
of lightning leaps the chasm. He lets out
an owl-like screach, then a malicious laugh,
I freeze - watch as he raises the light

extinguishes it. I'm left in pitch darkness
teetering on the edge,  I call for the blood
red dawn, could it be Will o'the Wisp?
Or perhaps a copse candle,lighting the path
to a not-too-distant funera -
                                        a
                                        a
                                        a
                                        a
                                        a
                                        a
                                         r
                                         g
                                         h

                         
Will o' The Wisp    ( original )


Come. Where waters swirl in iridescent
mist beneath the purple hood of night.
Here shadow lurks in deeper shadow, trees
submit to the will of the wind, trail bony
fingers over the landscape. It looks
the same in all directions to confuse
the weary traveller, alone in treacherous

marshes. No voice will make him turn,
but a distant light travels before him,
flickers in and out with each breath. Lures
him away from well trodden paths. He peers.
ahead.  In that incandescent glow, sees
a tiny cinder-black figure, who gives
a malevolent stare from eyes that blaze
like red hot coals. A tongue of fire licks
thin red lips. His wind-blown hair flames
from his head as he drifts in a ball of light
contained in an eerie haze. The traveller
follows for several miles, until suddenly
he finds himself standing on the edge
of a great chasm, where a roaring torrent
rushes below a great precipice. The figure
in the ball of lightning leaps the chasm.
lets out a blood-curdling scream, emits
a malicious laugh, as he raises the light
extinguishes it, The man is left in darkness,
on the edge, he calls to the blood red dawn.
could it have been a Will o' the Wisp?
Or perhaps a copse candle, lighting
the path to a not-too-distant-funeral.

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

Come. Where waters swirl in iridescent
mist beneath the purple hood of night.
{I love “the purple hood of night}
Here shadow lurks in deeper shadow
{very much like this line although I might have left out “deeper” not sure why…}

, trees
submit to the will of the wind, trail bony
fingers over the landscape. It looks
the same in all directions to confuse
the weary traveller, alone in treacherous
{the “It” here feels a little awkward to me. If i get your meaning right, I might have put something like:”…trail bony fingers over the lonely marsh which apes itself (mimes itself? mocks itself? mimics itself?) in all directions to confuse the weary traveler.” though that introduces other problems…


marshes. No voice will make him turn,
but a distant light travels before him,
flickers in and out with each breath. Lures
him away from well trodden paths. He peers
ahead.  In that incandescent glow, sees
a tiny cinder-black figure, who gives
a malevolent stare from eyes that blaze

like red hot coals. A tongue of fire licks
thin red lips. His wind-blown hair flames
from his head as he drifts in a ball of light
contained in an eerie haze. The traveller
follows for several miles, until suddenly
he finds himself standing on the edge
of a great chasm, where a roaring torrent

rushes below a {perhaps “the”?} great precipice. The figure
in the ball of lightning leaps the chasm.
lets out a blood-curdling scream,
{the phrase “blood-curdling scream” here made me reflect on how hard it is to replace and old phrase like that with something that is just as good. guess there is a reason old phrases are old…}
 emits
a malicious laugh, as he raises the light

extinguishes it, The man is left in darkness,
on the edge, he calls to the blood red dawn.
could it have been a Will o’ the Wisp?
{I would leave out the “a” here, which has for me the effect of personalizing and making more vivid  the being in question “Will” i mean, (though this probably doesn’t jibe with the actual history of the name)}…

Or perhaps a copse candle, lighting
the path to a not-too-distant-funeral.
wonderful air of menace in this poem Zephyr! “Fairies ain’t no joke” as the say in the hood…(Like I should know…).

It would be interesting to read it in the first person. Often when I successfully imagine actually experiencing something myself novel descriptions and adjectives suggest themselves. one might even then transfer them back to the 2nd person narrative, though their very originality might then somehow distract attention from the character in some way…
anyway, thanks for posting, I very much enjoyed it….

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

IP, i love the ideas you have suggested here, I am going to forget this for a few days then come back to it with fresh eyes to revise. thank you for taking the time, it’s a thoughtful critique and appreciated.

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

Zephyr, I do believe you've managed to capture the essence of the elusive WillO the Wisp, beautifully & masterfully, I agree that the “victim's” plight would be much more immediate were the narrative voice 1ST person.
I would also like to know more about the WOTW's motivations for leading “the victim ” astray & more about his glee at his success. But a beautiful & inspiring piece as it stands,
M

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

Thank you Mikey, I was not in a hurry to revise, and looking for a little more feedback, before I revised, sometimes a break from a poem helps it to gel, grins.

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

WWW (wise words woman) to get a little distance & to come back with fresh energy, ideas, possibilities- looking fwd to revised edition when it comes,
M

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

Thanks Mikey, have had grandaughter staying, plus my Mum has been time consumiing, she's not so well, waiting till it gets time for my full concentration.
PS Love the feedback i get from you guys - helps me push my self to improve beyond what I would achieve on my own and accelerates the learning curve, for which I am thankful. Also we seem to manage this while retaining our own poetic individuality,
grateful for this.

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

Well, I guess you have (the person who set up this pod to thank) that would be yourself, no?

Re: Will o' The Wisp for C & C please

No not me - a team effort by all concerned. and that's how this place should be