Why I Left

I hadn't been happy with where i was going with my life, but i barely noticed. Growing up I was told what to believe was important and what i had to do to be successful, and i accepted everything i was told as true.  I was comfortable letting my mom and step-dad make decisions for me and i lacked a lot of responsibility or drive.  By mid-high school things started to lose meaning or importance to me and i felt a little lost.
April 25, 2007 I got on a plane to attend my dad's wedding to the woman of his dreams. Literally “of his dreams” because he would have settled for nothing less. My dad had always been the most confirmed bachelor and the fact that he was marrying should give everyone hope that love, real love, exists. But this isn't really about his wedding.  I hadn't seen my dad in years and years, and we barely talked on the phone, which was my fault.  Whenever he called i generally rushed to end the conversation, to continue with the part of my life that i cared about more.  It hurts to say that, but I didn't have much of a relationship with him anymore, and i didn't care to build one. 
He was so excited to see me, though I felt thrown out of my element and thus uncomfortable.  I had always been a shy kid, i didn't welcome any form of change. My dad, however, would tell you differently- I lived with him till I was four, and he remembered me as the curious, friendly, vibrant kid he had raised.  I'd gone through a lot of changes growing up that had created a much meeker version of that. 
But my visit was extraordinary.  If I've ever experienced an epiphany, this was it.  My dad's views made more sense to me than anything I'd experienced thus far.  Primarily agreeing with Buddhist views, my dad opened up a whole new world to me. The meaning of life was something I had never contemplated. We'd have long talks that would rile me up, and I never got riled up about anything. i finally had someone to say “hey, open your eyes.” I had been under so many illusions about how life was supposed to be that I wasn't living at all. 
Sometimes when my dad and I would have conversations, before my visit, my dad would suggest that I consider moving to live with him.  I always scoffed at the idea, it literally did not seem like a possibility. I had lived with my mom since i could remember, gone to school with friends that I'd had for years, lived in alaska all of my life.  Why would he ask such a thing of me? Once, he asked me why I said no so quickly.  I responded without thinking, “I don't want to hurt my mom or step-dad.”  It made sense to me, i couldn't imagine their reaction to me asking to leave.  Their lives practically revolved around me. Then my dad responded, “what about hurting me?”  That sure brought things into perspective. 
During my visit I realized how much i had grown in such a short time.  I realized how purposeless my life in alaska was, and how unhappy i was there. I felt like I had had my first real conversation with someone, and i didn't want to go back.  I didn't want to leave the first person I felt I truly could relate to. then another epiphany- I actually could move and live with my dad. I actually could do anything I wanted.  This simple concept blew my mind.  Of course I used to say that I could do anything I wanted, but I never believed it.  “Anything I wanted” had meant that I could become a doctor, or a lawyer, or the gosh darn president. But it had been pounded into my head that “anything i wanted” could never mean any lifestyle that was seen as alternative.  “You can do anything you want with your life, but god forbid you don't go to college.” Before, I had been living between these set guidlines of what people are supposed to do, of how life is supposed to be lived.  My mom and my step-dad obviously meant the best.  They thrived on the belief that to be successful was to be happy.  But I was starting to see that to be happy was to know yourself.  And as of yet I didn't know myself at all.
After returning to alaska and my life, I realized that I only had one choice.  I couldn't live that way comfortably anymore.  Everything I did seemed without meaning, and everyone I worked with seemed stuck like i had been.  So i finished the school year and mulled over how to tell my mom.  I won't go into how difficult of a process that was, but suffice to say it's two years later and I am much happier with who I am and where I'm going. I know what I want out of life and while I've come far, I realize I have so much farther to go.  I think that's what's exciting.

Re: Why I Left

It is exciting indeed!

But this is not an active group, and you may not get a response to your heartfelt sharing here. I suggest you look at the active Discussions to find an active group on a topic to which you are drawn, and share there.


All the best, and feel free to ask if you have questions,


Nicole

Re: Why I Left

you noticed im new eh :)

Re: Why I Left

i did! :)