The Mastery of Love

I'm currently halfway through reading The Mastery of Love, and I want to toss something out for discussion – Ruiz talks about choosing a partner you like as s/he is, not choosing a partner you want to change into someone you like – “To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse.”

In my last relationship, I focused a lot on accepting my partner as he was – it felt like a much more advanced relationship than the one I had previously, and consequently the lessons were much more advanced – I knew it was a trap to get into a cycle of wanting to change him, and I brought a lot of awareness about that issue into how I was in the relationship – I grew a lot from having that be one of my guiding principles – and – a couple of difficult things also happened related to that

one thing is that I sometimes focused on accepting him as he was to the point where I didn't speak up for myself at times – I think that can be a fine line – I learned a lot from my mistakes and hope to bring more consciousness to my next relationship

the second thing is that regardless of how much I accepted him as he was, he still ended up concluding that I was really trying to change him – I really wasn't – but I was encouraging better communication between us and better follow-through as far as our commitment to work on our relationship – he saw that as me trying to change him, as well as evidence of women in general always trying to change men

I'd be interested to hear from other pod members about how you see this issue and what you see as constituting trying to change a partner vs. not trying to change a partner

and do you think accepting people as they are is 100% achievable in the real world, or more of a guiding principle that couples work toward and work with?

Re: The Mastery of Love

Hi Kira,

Loved reading The Mastery of Love! Please keep us updated on your thoughts as you read through the book. :)

“…and do you think accepting people as they are is 100% achievable in the real world, or more of a guiding principle that couples work toward and work with?”

Re: The Mastery of Love

I have a personal philosophy about intimate relationships, in general, whether I call them friend, lover or partner. First of all, the latter two are founded on the first, and, “friend” has a relatively narrow definition (I wish that the English language allowed for a more focused terminology!) To me, being a Friend means that we are intimate and vulnerable with one another, and one aspect of that is to call each other on our “shit.” We all have it … we get stuck in our belief systems, we get stuck in ruts. A valued Friendship - again,  for me - means that when we see that “something” in each other, we each expect the other to call us on the stuff that's getting in the way of our growth.

This doesn't mean I don't have a bunch of people in my life who I would call “buddy” … someone with whom I can enjoy their company, spend time with and thoroughly revel in each other's company. But, I don't necessarily think of them as Friend … it's not intimate enough, and I don't necessarily trust them with my most intimate thoughts or feelings. I can (and do) trust my Friends with that kind of vulnerability. I can literally trust them with my life.

In recent years, I've set a clear Intent that those who come across or into my Path are people who provide a mirror for me, and I for them. We each have something to teach the other … it's a profound way to live.

That said, the even more intimate relationship of lover/partner demands that we encourage each other to reflect one another and give feedback. One critical aspect of this kind of relationship: it requires that we have that specific agreement between us before it can work. Without the agreement that we are each others' mirrors, and have given the other permission to be honest and forthright … and demanding the best of one another … our efforts to call the other out is specious, at best, and disasterous at worst.

What matters is how we set our Intent … if at all. Being clear with ourselves *why* we become involved with someone (anyone) … be it friend, lover or partner. And, then … have learning to have no expectations (make no assumptions) of one another.

*smile* ….. it's been a Path that's worked well for me. I encourage folks to give it a try … I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Ladee

Re: The Mastery of Love

Hi Ladee -

I enjoyed your post to the Mastery of Love Pod. Deciphering the difference between words of “buddy” and “friend” was powerful for me. I am going to use it in my life.

So many times we think of a “buddy” as is being intimate and it really isn't that type of relationship. I still enjoy and have a great time with this person. However, sometimes I put a mask on with people to maintain the respect and kindess with myself. A best way to describe it would be that our vibrations no longer match. It is a different type of love. An Agape, if you will.

Thanks for your post. It helped me to reflect.

MasterDreamer

Re: The Mastery of Love

Hi, Kira :)

I'm glad that resonated with you! It's always nice to have validation … though not necessary … eh?

I'm going to insert a comment here that's not intended for any one person, but as a general comment and one that I think fits in with this conversation.

When I/we post to these discussions, I just want to be clear that I/we should be posting from personal perspective. I'm of the firm conviction that we are all students and teachers together … what we're sharing are lessons learned and life values based on those experiences. I'd hate for anyone to think that any one of us is preaching … whether it's “to the choir” (those who are already in agreement) or  posing as an expert. I know *I'm* no expert, just someone who's walked this Path for a long time and made some, hopefully, valuable discoveries.

Re: The Mastery of Love

Well said.  Hey hey it's me back from hiatus.  Actually I've been popping in and out reading posts on occasion yet not much to say.

I offer validation to what Gypsy Lady said more to help myself remember this very useful reminder.

I often find I start trying to teach when I most need to learn.

Blessings all, David

Re: The Mastery of Love

Ah, I should go and re-read the Mastery of Love - always good stuff to be reminded of.

As for trying or not trying to change a partner…..it is indeed a very fine line. I think that knowing what we are willing and able to accept about a person must be something we keep in mind. Accepting some on as he or she is does not mean sacrificing my own deisres or in any way lessening the importance of who I am. Bending and not breaking.

I don't know that 1005 acceptance is acheivable for everyone in the world. There are still too many folks who are unhealthy in some way…murderers, rapists, etc….these people need to be helped.

In the end, to me, it's about opening a loving heart to everything about a person; everything. Not just the parts that we find pleasing, but also the parts that bug us. Acceptance may not be the best word for it. Perhaps tolerant coexistance is better when discussing it on a more global level.

Re: The Mastery of Love

Hi Kira -

I know what you mean about not wanting to change someone. I also began a relationship with no expectaions or assumptions or wishing to change the other person. I continued to reflect with my partner at the time and used it as an opporutinity for myself to grow.
 
As things have it now, we are no longer together. As I grew through my “stuff” I realized he wasn't reflecting the respect and kindness that I give myself.  I am not mad or angry with him anymore. It just didn't work out. We were no longer vibrating together.

Now that I look back at it, I was coming from a broken heart at the beginning of the relationship. I am so happy that I am not vibrating in that space anymore. It was difficult and a very unhappy space. I have a few wounds to heal from this past one, however, what an opportunity to grow! AND, I can find something more beautiful and amazing that matches my new vibration.  Thank you for posting that question! It helped me to reflect on where I am.

I also enjoyed and liked the clarification of Friend and Buddy! I am going to use that.

MasterDreamer