How would you define acceptance?

This was the outstanding question asked of me today.  Then I proceeded to poll the people around me.  Not one person answered the same.  So how would you define it?  What does acceptance mean to you?  Is it different if it is something you are trying to find for a situation versus something you want from someone else or something that you are offering to someone?

I believe, if I remember correctly I said that acceptance was:

A realistic understanding of what is truthfully there.

I stand by that idea.  I've spent years, and years thinking this one over.  Approval and acceptance are not the same thing.  Receiving and acceptance are not exactly the same thing, either.

When I need to find acceptance for a situation in my life, it requires my allowing the realistic understanding of the situation to be there.  When I feel accepted by someone else, it is the feeling that I am witnessed and the understanding of me or my behavior is present (still not the same as approval).  When I accept another person or their behavior, I am not approving of the behavior.  I may simply be in truthful understanding of what that person did.

So.  How about you?  What is it to you?

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I readily agree with your definition, Jill, but am not sure how I can always apply it in daily life, i.e., “I accept the fact that you are a rapist, but that still doesn’t mean you can go out with my sister.” It would be nice to stand before people as a non-judged individual, but nicer still to stand before them as a man or woman of honor, integrity, compassion and/or love. I guess what I’m saying, clumsily, is that I’d rather be true to myself than accepted by others. If being true to myself results in acceptance and approval, so be it; if not, I have no one but myself to blame. While acceptance, therefore, is not very important to me personally, your concept of it as an unvarnished perception of “what is” strikes me as valid.

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I'm still laughing over your example…. and your sister will thank you.  LOL

I have spent forever thinking about this one.  I remember being in a group process 17 years ago and the topic came up.  Heated discussion and the idea that acceptance was approval was so prevelant.

I started separating the idea of behavior from the person.  Understanding that sometimes people choose to use their behavior like weapons and I am also not willing to give the green light for the rapist to date my sister.  It doesn't change the inherent value of the person.  So, how do you find the grace to honor the person and hold accountable their behaviors?

And….. is it our job to hold someone else accountable to their behavior?  (A whole other thread, I think).

Daily practical application of acceptance.  I start small (along with my morning coffee).  I accept the circumstances I am in with my life.  I see it for what it is and not what I am unwilling to look at.  That puts the option for change right back into my life.

Then I practise to accept the things about me that show up during the day.  When I behave in ways that are not in line with my values, I accept that.  Then I change that.  When other people behave in ways that are also not in line with what I am comfortable with, I work to accept what I see.  (this is done without the editorial storytelling if I am to honestly accept)…

…. for instance.  If someone kicks me in the shin (My personal favorite example)…. I accept when I say “I was kicked in the shin”  I editorialize when I say “Biff just kicked me in the shins because he is feeling bad about something and he's taking it out on me”.  One is not acceptance and one is.

I'm a work in progress.  I think the more that I practise this, the less I am judging someone else, and also the more able I become to enforce my own boundaries because I am not labeling what I am seeing around me.  Just describing it without the added interpreation of it's worth, meaning, or motive.  I feel like it is a healthier place for me.

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I still like the Serenity Prayer as a great example of acceptance.  It sort of sums up alot of how I look at acceptance…fighting against things we can't change is futile, but changing the things we can is our responsibility….especially since we can't change others…only ourselves.

Re: How would you define acceptance?

My new saying I carry around with me and have stuck on my dashboard is:
“BE HAPPY WITH TODAY….JUST AS IT IS!!!”

maybe my ego won't notice my, not so subtle attempt to retrain my mind!!!

peace…

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I started a few years ago saying “What is right in front of me?”  If it wasn't what I was focused on, I would stop and re-center myself.  I like your phrase.

Re: How would you define acceptance?

Acceptance is a verb I use every waking moment. Sadly, I find myself sleeping through a lot of moments, just going through the motions of daily life.

Acceptance isn't something others can give me. I can only give that to myself. Can other people accept me? Sure, but then that is something they give to themselves. If they don't accept me, who are they hurting? I don't have to be invested in whether others accept me or not. If I am, then that is me hurting myself, not them hurting me. Of course, the reality is that I -am- invested in certain people accepting me. That is work for me to do on me, not on them.

One challenging aspect of acceptance that I am working on right now has to do with accepting the roles in which I have placed myself. I am a mother. To actively accept that role I need to behave, to the best of my ability, as the best mother possible. What is possible? Can I accept my limits in my ability to be a good mother? How do I both do a good job as a mother and accept my child for who he or she is? When does acceptance mean insisting my child feel the consequences of their actions? When does it mean letting something go because that is just who they are?

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I think acceptance of self is probably the most important beginning towards accepting others.  If we can honestly accept ourselves as we are…with all of our flaws, sins and not so pure thoughts…then… we can then start accepting those things in others.  Sort of like the classic saying about judging…that we judge others by how we judge ourselves…or something like that…lol
 

Re: How would you define acceptance?

If I can accept myself fully, then accepting others comes naturally. Usually the aspects of myself that I loathe the most are what I find hard to take in others. So, when I find myself disliking something about someone else, it is a good cue that this is an area I need to pay attention to for myself. Now if only that was as easy to do as it is to say!

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I love the discussion you have going on here.  I think acceptance in parenting is one of the most soulful and rewarding things you can do.  And hardest, perhaps.

When I started this thread I had a definition for acceptance.  I do not believe I have changed my ideas about it in the ensuing year plus.  I said acceptance was:

A realistic understanding of what is truthfully there.

It doesn't mean agreement.  It doesn't mean validation or approval.  It means an honesty in being able to own what is in front of you.

I think with children or loved ones, being able to accept what they are doing and who they are is important.  Approval when it comes to behavior is best kept focused on the behavior.  In my own life, when I can accept my foibles, it does not limit me from attending to them or shifting my behavior if needed to be more in alignment with my own values.

How do you hold acceptance and disapproval?  Let's say  the loved one is spiraling through addiction.  You can accept that is where they are at, love who they are, and not approve of the choices they are making.  How do you keep that all clean?  Now let's say that the loved one has just achieved straight A's in college and maintained a job on the side.  How do you offer acceptance for where they are, love who they are and approve of their choices without making the love held in the middle sound like a condition to be met?

Re: How would you define acceptance?

I have a plaque above my desk which has been with me for about 20 years. When I find myself in a 'judging' mood, I look up and see this “saying” on the plaque:


“If you can't change it or accept it….then forget it.”


This tends to get my feet back on the ground, and also tends to support 'a realistic understanding of what is truthfullly there.” 


Carpe Diem,
Al

Re: How would you define acceptance?

Hi Al - welcome to the group.

I am hearing my aunt in my head saying “Drop it” to a dog she was working with years ago.  I think if you can't change it or accept it… dropping it is a good idea!