Forgiveness or Negotiation?

A fellow massage therapist and friend of mine, Angela, called me back in August and was very mean to me; she thought I turned her in to the state board of massage therapy for something. 

During this conversation which consisted mostly of her blasting me, I managed to slide in, “I don't know what you are talking about…I didn't do anything to you.”

She basically told me she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore and I was to never call her or try to visit her.  Then she hung up on me.

I was devastated.  All I knew to do was contact the state board to see what on earth she was talking about.  I wanted to make sure no one filed a false report under my name.  Turns out the report was filed anonymously.  Meaning, I couldn't prove it wasn't me.

Angela called me Yesterday to tell me she wanted to apologize to me.  I said, “So you finally found out who did it?”, and she said, “No.  I started going back to church, and  I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you for what you did to me, and I am sorry for being so mean to you.”

I replied, “I appreciate your apology, but you need to forgive someone else.  I didn't do it.”

I have to admit that at the end of the conversation, I was quite irritated at her.  I realized as she kept talking about her new relationship with “the Lord”, that she was only apologizing to me and “forgiving me” because she wanted God to do something for her and she thought our problem was what was holding back her miracle.

After the “mini sermon”, I hung up, looked at my best friend, and said, “You know, a few months ago, my heart would have been in my throat and I would have been so grateful she was apologizing and wanting to be friends again.  Now I am just ticked that she made me miss lunch.”

What is true forgiveness?  What is a true apology?  I genuinely hope our conversation eased her heart, but it didn't do anything for me but make me shake my head and go “huh?”

Re: Forgiveness or Negotiation?

I just finished writing an entire chapter on this.  I'll see if I can make it short and sweet.

To me…. forgiveness is about detaching from a wounded place.  Learning to let go.  It doesn't require the involvement of the person you feel has harmed you at all.

Not listening to or believing you…. that is yours to forgive her for.

Re: Forgiveness or Negotiation?

It's funny, but for a very long time, 39 years in fact, I thought forgiveness was a letting go and then trumpets would sound ( 8- D ) or the person would see the error of their ways and admit it and I would say it was ok and that was forgiveness.  What that ended up giving me was the same wounded soundtrack over and over in my head.  I've found that it is just letting go period.  It disappears and you are free.  The strangest part for this Buddhist is that the phrase, “Let go and let God.” was the key in the lock.  But, this freedom is beyond comfortable. Its like being able to see after living with scratched up glasses or sitting down after a marathon.

I guess a woman can be a fool at any age, but I'm a much happier fool now.

Re: Forgiveness or Negotiation?

nicely said.  AND WELCOME TO THE POD!!!

Re: Forgiveness or Negotiation?

True forgiveness comes from the heart. IT's deep within where you worked on the situation and looked at your automatic thoughts to the situation and to see if they were blown out of proportion or if it was true. I believe it's hard to get a genuine apology because most people don't mean it. I believe you can tell though because the wording in which the person says it and the emotion in their voice shows their compassion towards you.

Re: Forgiveness or Negotiation?

Welcome to the Pod, Amanda.

I truly believe that forgiveness is never about the other person or the reaction/sincerity or acknowledgment of wrong done… it is about our capacity to disengage from ego.  It does come from the heart and I like how you have worded that!