Dropping the Illusions

Over the years, I've discovered that I embrace the stage in a relationship when disillusionment sets in.  It is the beginning of a deepening in intimacy in all relationships.  To friends, family, lovers, work, ideas, spirit.  Allowing the illusions to slip and the reality to anchor us, is a normal, natural and blessed moment.  And most folks ditch it at that point.

We have such a throw away society and rarely are people up for the challenge of working through things that do not feel comfortable or are shifting and changing our perspective.

I watch droves of people arrive for the summer to work where I work.  It is instant love for the people and the nature that surrounds them.  Until the bloom fades from the rose.  Then it is the disillusionment phase and all faults must be ferreted out.  The part of us that is afraid, seeks to find what is grotesquely wrong with the situation.  We pick and pick and pick at it, until it feels so bad we want to leave.  Or we feel the process of the other picking at our connection until we doubt it.  Which invites us to pick and pick and pick….. you get the idea!

I feel really blessed, because I've stuck it through that process enough times, that I know it is the beginning of something more spectacular than we can imagine.  It is when the veils drop and the truth is revealed and our option to truly go deeply in becomes a full-fledged invitation.

It takes heart and soul and courage unimagined.  But, it is so worth it.  I've met more people I know that have been married for years and have never dropped to that level of intimacy.  I've known sisters and brothers and parents with their children who have been unwilling to drop to a level of emotional honesty and intimacy. They've found ways to disengage and keep running and block it all out.  Or they reject all but the illusion of what they wish to be true, and refuse to actually examine what is (politics, anyone?)

I believe the more significant the relationship is, the more intense this opportunity becomes.  Maybe because there is a heightened sense of vulnerability, it becomes easier to toss out the panic flares, like there is an accident waiting to happen.  I feel it in me, and I force myself to take a lot of big breaths and acknowledge that fear, and move on.  To know that the disillusionment phase is truly and honestly the beginning of something more magnificent if we simply embrace the opportunity and allow a greater vulnerability to settle in.

The option?  To keep running from person to thing to belief to idea.  I said this many years ago and believed it to be true at the time.  Now, I would say I hold it as one of my core beliefs.  Relationships are not hard.  They are not work.  They are, however, a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.  And that is what feels hard, or like work.  It is a return to the place of self-accountability, acceptance and love. 

When we look outside ourselves for definition (a job, a relationship, a circumstance) we are holding illusions.  They all crumble.  It is a blessed event and an invitation to let us sink into a place of being more intimate and real with the people around us and the person that we are.

I have been offered sacred opportunities to go much more deeply into a place of vulnerability and intimacy and I have stepped up to the plate with it.  My sister and I have the most incredible, beautiful, wholly spectacular relationship because we both went there.  And it was immense work on letting go of projected images and simply attending to my stuff.  When I did that, lo and behold, I saw Jana for who she is.  I would gleefully choose to go through that weekly in order to have the relationship I have with her.  One of my best friends and I hit a place nine years ago or maybe longer… where we went through our own sticky readjustment.  Invitation was accepted and I've been blessed ever since.  My understanding and my relationship to God has gone through tremendous growth in my life.  Much deeper.  Much more intimate.  And always required a period of disillusionment to burn away the things that simply were a projected vision.

I work very hard on having an open heart.  It is actually rather simple after all this time on a superficial and detached level.  When it matters deeply to me… I find myself handed an engraved invitation to step into the land of disillusionment and allow myself to simply become more vulnerable, more real, and see that other person in the light of something more magnificent than my hope of who they are.  I see that delightful creature AS IS.  And that is where the miracle lives for me!

Re: Dropping the Illusions

This is very challenging for me right now, because I have been dealing with this very issue, and don't feel that I can hang in there right now with three important people … but maybe I can come back to those people in my life who have so disappointed me, when i am stronger…

thank you for pointing me to a deeper reality i need to explore,

love,

nicole

Re: Dropping the Illusions

we've all been in the situation where we have people that dissapoint us and then it does come a time to exit from the relationship to regroup and even reevaluate weither or not the relationship benifits us to maintain. for me i have to determine is it the behavior that the others are doing that ticks me off or is it me not willing to accept them for who they want to be.

usually it's me not wanting to accept them for who they are because their mannerisms and way of thinking doesn't go along with how i want to pattern my behavior. so is it “wrong” to disassociate from them? where is it written that i have to be friends with everyone? true they say that what offends us in others often is a reflection of what we don't like about ourselves but thats not always the case. some folks just piss me off and irratate me so it's best not to be around them.

we're all trying to find our way so why not make it as peaceful as we can and at times accept a challenge or two to see how we're doing and then make ajustments as we see we're able to. but still that doesn't mean we have become “friends” and spend our quality time with them. for me i accept who they are and if i don't feel at peace with them i restrict my exposure to them… just a few thoughts … seeya gary

Re: Dropping the Illusions

Hey Nicole and Gary!

Excellent stuff.  I'll clarify……

I was raised in an alcoholic home.  For me significant drinking is a deal breaker.  I can't and won't have a relationship with someone (intimate) that is incorporating alcoholism.  That isn't what I'm talking about when I talk about disillusionment.  Sure, that may be one of the things that comes to light…. but that isn't disillusionment…. that is a condition/behavior/disease.

What I'm truly talking about is more subtle.  When I was not dealing with my inability to set better boundaries, one of the things I wanted in my man was to be protected.  I projected my own need onto him and when that veil slipped and I saw that he wasn't going to set boundaries for me….. well….. I was seeing him for who he was (that being a human being separate from me) and I was very unhappy that he wouldn't step in and do that for me.  Now…. I would celebrate knowing that.  It means that I am seeing HIM instead of seeing the role I wish to assign to him.

I'm talking about that euphoric state that we jump into that rose washes other human beings and relationships and the deepening of intimacy that happens when that BS falls away.  When you are faced with the human being and not the role you've created out of your own needs and wounds.

When I find someone in my life that is irritating me or pissing me off based on their behavior…. I take stock.  Sometimes it is a boundary issue to a degree that isn't going to work for me.  Most of the time, it is me feeling like they are not living up to the portrait I painted of who that person needed to be.  And then I celebrate my own waking up!

Jill

Re: Dropping the Illusions

such a good time of year to be feeding myself with the words of this thread.

i too have been focusing on the work it takes to be vulnerable, to really dig my heels into the ground and be with what is, to tap into the courage it takes to be authentic. this is the source of my inner power and it does come from love. opening my heart is my daily spiritual practice.

at the end of a workshop i did 2 summers ago, we each had our team's undivided attention as we came up with 3 words to describe ourselves. the ones i came up with are on my bedroom wall:

I am a vulnerable, worthy, giving woman.

what are 3 adjectives to describe yourselves, dear ones?

i will elucidate on mine for the new year, perhaps having to do with the manifestation of my intentions. for example, i yearn to attract people in my life (both old and new) who are willing to drop the illusions, as jill puts it, and walk in friendship with me in the fullness of our authentic selves.

Re: Dropping the Illusions

its awesome to see people waking up and moving forward… gary

Re: Dropping the Illusions

This is fabulous, Mary.


The words that I would pick and after untold hours of personal work LOL…. actually have come to believe are….

I am Beautiful. 

(And I'm not focused on the oooh la la…. I am actually understanding that I am a direct reflection of the divine.  I'm beautiful)

I am Courageous.

(There are no emotional hurdles or challenges that I am unable to stand up to.  I will feel that fear and breath my way through it and continue to be vulnerable in the face of it all).

I am Precious.

(This life of mine has purpose and meaning and I am deeply loved.  The center of my being is carefully woven into the fabric that makes us all one.  I am a precious being!)

and yes, Gary…. I am celebrating with you!

Re: Dropping the Illusions

thanks Jill… I am just reading the responses now as I am way behind here on zaadz after two weeks off dsl… i appreciate the clarifications and am beginning to learn the same sorts of lessons about waking up to what's really going on…

love,

nicole

Re: Dropping the Illusions

Dear Mary,

Hmm! 3 words to describe myself: Passionate, Intense, Friend.

At least, those come to mind at the moment lol

Love,

Nicole

Re: Dropping the Illusions

nicole is a passionate, intense friend! And her friends are blessed to have her!

:)

Re: Dropping the Illusions

thanks mary - hugs! :)

Re: Dropping the Illusions

Jill:

I love this last line… such truth.. I see that delightful creature AS IS.  And that is where the miracle lives for me!

I met my wife the night I decided to stop trying to meet the perfect person..ha that sounds funny… not a jab at her… but the point is…we think and visualize the way we want things to be. Relationships, dinners, days, nights,,  all of it. This thinking and planning ruins it all. Becuase then we get lost in the thoughts and become the thoughts and dont see the Love that is there.

I today have been married for like 12 years and can honestly say the first 9 years I lived in a thought dream about my realationship. The biig errer was the illusion that there was a “my” and a “relationship”. Separating mySelf as two, three things failed to bring wholeness into my life. Wholeness ony occurs in a relationship when you can see and be the glue that holds it together…. that glue is Love.  My wedding ring reminds me of that as I look at it sideways and see the whole in it. that space in the middle of the circle is me, her, kids, all.. its us. Space, love, peace… beyond thought.
 

Re: Dropping the Illusions

Michael,

First of all…. congratulations!  and secondly…. you are right.  It is so easy to allow our wounded ego stuff jump in and project the “perfect” idea or project our vision and then our wounds onto another human being.  I don't think that is love.  I think that is attachment.  It is the process of stepping outside of our ego and allowing the truth of love to enter us and extend out from us.  All relationships improve under that expression and it becomes easy to see and accept the person in front of you.

I have recently been blessed with an amazing relationship that is communion.  It is the two of us relating and extending from our love and connection to the source.  Quite a remarkable gift.

And we've joked.  I can't stand two lines from the Jerry McGuire movie.  I think they are both invitations to exceedingly unhealthy relationships.  One is “you had me at hello”…. because that is a projection waiting to happen.  The other is “You complete me”.  That is a sad way to relate to someone.

I like being completed.  Whole.  Healthy.  Happy.  In love with my life.  And then…. being able to commune with someone else who is whole.  Healthy.  Happy.  And in love with his life.  It is the greatest sense of freedom.

I run amok with things to say.  Bottom line is that I agree with what you've said.  Our greatest challenge in relationships is to learn to relate rather than to create a fantasy of who someone else is and knowing they cannot complete you.