Gaia: Sacred Walk - Accountability

Re: Honor in letting go

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 14:32:35 GMT

You've truly said a mouthful! Yes, it is hard to let go of old habits. Particularly when they are used to helpf define how we see ourselves. I applaud your journey!

Re: Honor in letting go

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 11:32:29 GMT

I know this is an old thread....but at this particular point in my journey it has some relavence.
My life has been completely run by my ego up until about 2 years ago. At that point ,my life as I knew it, shattered and I realized I was in control of very little that went on around me. I can only control (or work on controlling) my thoughts, words and actions. I've lost nearly every posession, I lost my job, I lost all my money (which wasn't much but it was all I had..). . and I lost my marriage. I was forced to do some serious self-examination and what I found was that my egoic desires had led me astray. As I've started to listen to that guiding, tiny, quiet voice inside, I have found that my life has improved 100%. My stress is less, I sleep better and I have actually been reaquainted with "me". I had lost myself in a marriage where all I focused on was "we." I have learned, not to forget about myself...that I need to nuture me as well as anyone else I'm involved with, but not to the point of losing perspective of either facet.
The letting go of old habits and beliefs is hard....very hard....especially when I've had 40 years to practice these "undesirable" habits!! But, once I understood that my frustration with myself stemmed from my "out-of-control" ego habits, everything has become easier to deal with. I now practice letting go of my need to "try" and control situations and just focus on my areas of control....my thoughts and actions. This has been so much more fullfilling than any previous attempt of mine to control my life.
So, after all this rambling....my point is that letting go...of desires, expectations, control of others, and my ego (still a work-in-progress!!) is my new focus...and it allows me, to once again, be happy with ME !
peace always......

Re: SHENPA

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Thu, 24 May 2007 13:35:59 GMT

truly inspiring! thank you so much. namaste,

SHENPA

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Thu, 24 May 2007 11:58:52 GMT

Pema Chodron is due to arrive at Omega for this weekend's workshop. In light of that, I have resurrected a blog I wrote last year about Shenpa......

I hate mosquito bites. The more I think about scratching, the greater the urge. The more I scratch, the more I need to. So I think about it and the greater the urge. In Buddhist tradition, the ability to refrain from "scratching" what the Tibetan's call "Shenpa", the greater our chance for happiness and peace.

Shenpa is that thought we return to again and again and again. Like a tongue seeking out a sore tooth. We mull. We think. We get hooked on the shenpa and it reinforces our cravings, habits, addictions and ability to self-denigrate.

I've done an incredible amount of work on my ability to unravel the messages I received growing up. I have - quite publicly - urged, cajoled, and sometimes raised the rafters with my entreaty to be careful where you allow your mind to settle. If you want to be the change, you need to own accountability for your stuff and simply make the changes happen.

I'm also woefully human. And when I get physically sick it becomes easier for me to let the shenpa jerk my chain a few hundred times. It was a quick ride for me from looking at my insecurities to feeding them. I let loose an entire village of Shenpa surrounding my own hidden corner of "I'm not worthy". And it has been an abrupt jerk back into the land of accountability.

I'm on the path of developing loving-kindness toward myself. Some days I skip along, knowing the pathway like the back of my hand. Other days, I look around and can't find a landmark that makes the slightest bit of sense.

This week I tripped over a thread of self-doubt and loathing. I wigged. I hurt and ached inside with a grief and pain too deep to touch. I didn't know how to get out of this pocket of fear and pain. I snarked at two people I love more than I can say, and I immediately knew that I needed to pull it together. And so I began talking to one of them. I have not felt like my feet were put to the fire like that in a long time. Not comfortable. And then..... smacked with a couple of tremendous truths.

I felt the shell crack open. I know somewhere inside is a seedling of great potential. But in that moment I felt that shell crack and I cried like my heart had been broken. Despite that pain I knew two things. This brave soul that offers me such truth loves me. I trust this precious friend. And in the light of that, I was able to face the truth I had been offered.

I needed to remember who I am.

Rather than returning to the teachings of my youth about who I was to the wounded people around me, I needed to remember what my heart and my soul know to be true. I needed to remember who I am. In the constant attendance to the Shenpa that says, "You are not worthy of love", I had forgotten myself.

And so, I unlocked the door to my inner militant woman. I have the power and the drive to guard against Shenpa. I am willing to do what it takes to release the hold this thread of pain has for me. It is very much like training a puppy to quit biting and teething on everything. 1,000 times a day you say to the puppy "Drop it". So, a good 789 times today (so far) I have picked up that thread of Shenpa and my wiser self has whipped around and said "DROP IT".

The four R's for Shenpa work are: Recognizing, refraining, relaxing and resolving. I'm dedicated to my own growth and this is what is on my plate for the moment.

I am blessed with a courageous heart. I am doubly blessed with courageous friends that are willing to offer me loving truth, even when that has an impact with me that is hard to know about. Sometimes lancing the wound is the only way to help someone else heal. So, I have gratitude and love for those souls brave enough to journey with me.

Re: Racism and Ego

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 20:29:42 GMT

I don't even know what to add to what you've said since I can't post the enormous smile and nods that have accompanied reading it!!!!

Re: Racism and Ego

http://maddonni.gaia.com — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 15:33:29 GMT

I definitely get wrapped up my emotions because I think, incorrectly, that my feelings are who I am. They aren't me. They are just feelings. Also, when I am in the moment of whatever feeling is present, I incorrectly believe that feeling will last forever if I don't 'deal' with it. Sometimes paying attention to an emotion prolongs its existence. I have to remind myself that 'this too shall pass' and just let it go. Emotion is a hook for the sustenance of the ego or our view that we are separate from all other living things.

I agree with you about the antidotes too! For me, mindfulness and compassion are ways to get beyond society's classifications and delineations of people.

Re: Racism and Ego

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 02:08:52 GMT

I love what you've said. Our ego's rapidly become attached to emotion because we use our minds to symbolize things. (I think).

The more often I quit trying to hold onto or symbolize emotions (the pleasant and less pleasant) the more I honor my feelings. AND... the less I am attached to how it reflects on me or how I identify with who I am based on those emotions.

In terms of the external push to hate other people or the selfishness that can often times create it's own apathy... I think that is a mindful path. It requires a commitment to practise caring or to practise checking in with oneself.

What do you think?

Re: Racism and Ego

http://maddonni.gaia.com — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 01:45:31 GMT

Very well said! I agree with you completely. So how do we get there?

Every day I am suddenly in the midst of a selfish desire or thought that leads to an action I would change had I the presence of mind to see it for what it is at the moment. Learning to be more aware so that I can catch these moments seems to me a good place to start. Perhaps it will be contagious.

Hate and selfishness are rampant in our society. I believe it is up to each of us to address our own issues from within so that we may set the example and maybe even inspire others to do the same.

Racism and Ego

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 22:27:35 GMT

Buckle Up! I have so much that I wish to say, and that requires a longer trip than usual.

I have really taken a great deal of pleasure in reading Eckhart Tolle recently. His books "The Power of Now" and The New Earth" both speak to the misery and the angst that is caused by ego identification. The attachment to the idea of who we think we are or whom we wish we were.

Ego is the root of a great many problems. It is what fuels our ability to be defensive, angry, insecure, afraid, shy, hostile and step fully into the role of victim. Ego becomes the vision we identify ourselves as. We begin to seek ways outside of ourselves to reinforce who we believe ourselves to be.

We hate and rail against the things or the people that we perceive a threat to our ego identification. It evolves into "us" versus "them". It quickly rolls into the desperate need to be right.

A few days ago I was chatting with someone that was jumping on the soapbox of corporations and the wealthy. The statement was "I am not going to sell my soul to...." And what I had to say was... "You already have". I am in an interesting position to watch a great many people (and on occasion be one of the people) who use the "moral high ground" as a sick ego manifestation.

Sometimes in the stillness of being we have the opportunity to allow our egos to simply die. It is a thought about who we are and it isn't real. Who we are is a source of love. We are not separate from the divine spark that is within us. I sometimes think that the greatest gift we are given is the critical wound of conscious thought. We look around and see that we are different and our minds create ego around that.

I think people have difficulty understanding the difference between different and separate. My toes are different from my lips, and yet.... Not separate from the body of the whole. I am different than my friends..... and yet, we are all of the same body of being.

So, that is the foundation of this journey. Understanding the ego.

The second leg is rather simple. Love honors the connection we all share. Fear tears it apart. And when we are afraid that so easily morphs into self-righteousness, anger, hostility, hate......

I appreciate your keeping the seat belt fastened. The journey is about to begin now that we have taken care of some pre-flight checks. Ego is an illusion of who we think we are. Our thinking creates problems with the ego. Love is the way to connection. Fear is the food of the ego. It fuels bigger problems. Got it?

Ok.

I had the most wondrous conversation with someone I know a few days ago. It was in response to the Immus news story. I was so touched by the courage of this person to ask questions about something too many people are scared to talk about.

She wanted to talk about racism. I have never seen her respond negatively or speak negatively about anyone who is a race other than hers. And yet, she wanted to look inside herself and ask some hard questions. She also had some hard questions about the greater conversation of racism. Without trying to recreate the entire conversation (Our pilot has said that two destinations within the same trip is just not possible at this time)...... I want to hit some of the highlighted questions or issues that were raised.

She raised some of the same questions that have been on the news this week. Is there a double standard? Now, some of you know that I have incredibly strong feelings and "triggers" if you will around racism. I have no tolerance. I do not believe there is such a thing as "reverse racism"... I think that hate is hate. And when it comes to anyone feeling justified in spewing hate... I must return to the idea of ego. Identification. There is either love or fear. Fear begets hate.

She wondered if separatism within race relations wasn't where we were headed and might actually help. Now, before hackles go up...... she was talking about the US versus THEM attitude that is building. I would simply say that separatism IS the problem - not the solution. It truly is the root of the problem.

And here is what I think. I do not think that a bigger conversation about race needs to happen - first. I think that a bigger conversation about what is acceptable needs to happen. I think that a greater agreement that to denigrate another human being is not appropriate is a better conversation to begin with. And it is something that I believe for all people. I do not care what gender, race, religion, orientation, nationality someone is...... denigration is not ok.

It is not ok to put the hate on someone else. (It is not ok to put the hate on oneself, either). Not ok.

If that becomes the standard, then the entitlement and the victimization quit becoming the focus. The defensiveness goes down. The ego will not sustain the drama and the fight. When the ego dies..... Love stands a chance. And then..... under the possibilities of love, that becomes a good time to talk about the things that have kept us feeling separate.

I remember having this conversation with a friend of mine about a year ago. I am incredibly hopeful that in my lifetime we will see significant shifts to end racism. I can still hear his disbelief. I still believe it. We can and will shift this vile form of hatred and separation when we quit feeling separate. When we quit using separation language. In my thinking, there is no "African American community".... There is simply US. No them. We are all part of the whole.

When we quit using our egos to identify who we are.... We will quit using language that makes it an us versus them issue. We will quit standing in a battlefield that says, "I am right and you are wrong". We will quit personalizing other people's hatred.

Now.... One of the other things that was brought up in this conversation was some real life trauma that occurred to her because the color of her skin. Something inside of her kept a trigger that held onto that fear. And in some small corner of her mind, she still associates the color of her tormentors skin with the torment she suffered because of the color of hers.

I told her. As I would tell anyone.... That is your wound to heal. It is never going to be ok to project our own wounds on another human beings shoulder. I truly believe that if we let go of the ego, attend to the wound, release the projections onto other people..... we will heal the greater wounds. One person at a time.

I was very lucky in life. I have experienced the violence of racism first hand on both sides of the coin. (longer story and the pilot tells me to stay on course.) Just suffice it to say.... I am honoring the path I have walked to understand this. And so....

I've listened to people postulate this week. Defensiveness all around. And.... Identification from an ego stand also present. And the bottom line is, forms of targeting and hatred are not ok. And rather than pull up an old horse and beat it back and forth about free speech vs. racism. Vs. "things will never change" victim mentality.... Let's change things.

I was watching the Today show this morning. Danny Deautsch was on. He is a voice of marketing trends. He was talking about Imus being fired from MSNBC. I found myself shouting and celebrating what he had to say.

He said that this was the greatest opportunity for the dozen or so networking programmers to quit programming HATE television/radio. He said it wasn't an issue of race or gender. It was an issue of hate.

I could not say that any better if I tried.

Racism isn't about race. It is about hate. Sexism isn't about gender. It is about hate. Religious wars are not about the Divine. They are centered in hate. Genocide - Hate.

Hate is about the ego.

The ego is a false thing. It is an idea. The poisonous mind.

I think it is time we all stood up and said "Hate has got to go". It is time we quit railing against the fear. It is time to let our egos die. It is time to love. Pretty simple.

Re: Unconditioned conditioned!!

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 23:14:33 GMT

Your timing is so perfect on this. I am re-reading "the path to love' by Deepak Chopra.

I think that love is simply love. It isn't conditional. It isn't unconditional. It is infused within every single thing and it is our ability to receive and to honor that becomes the question.

I think so many people look everywhere outside themselves to find and define love. That is the conditional reaction to a wound not attended to. Our capacity to stand without guard and simply open our arms to the love that is in all things...... that is the surrender of a life time and one worthy of anything it takes to get to that point.

The longer folks jump from one thing to the next to fill that space inside or to validate our worthiness, the longer they will hurt and crumble.

Love has no conditions. Love is not unconditional. It is the source that sparks the divine in all of us. It just is!

I love that you offered this Mahesh!

Unconditioned conditioned!!

http://maheshji.gaia.com — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 07:10:18 GMT

Why do we talk of unconditional love, when it is we, who put conditions to love. Is it some type of solace to ourselves or some repenting over past deeds of repulsing love of those who wanted to give it unconditionally. I want to give unconditionally, can you receive? You want to give unconditionally, can I receive? Is this unconditional thing possible or it is yet another unconditional conditioned with a star mark on side and a note 'Terms and conditions apply' and all of them detailed in finer print.

Rescue and Scott Fried

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 16:14:24 GMT

I got to listen to a talk yesterday by one of the most dynamic and amazing speakers I've heard in a long time. His name is Scott Fried http://www.scottfried.com/

He was talking about Rescue and how the roots of the word mean two things. Dance and Affliction. What a beautiful truth. He talked about the opportunity that challenges, problems and painful situations can offer.

Afterward, I was talking to him. He was one of the most optimistic people I've listenend to. He obviously had a grasp keeping his focus on what he wished instead of wrapping himself up in a negative message. And yet... I found myself telling him the issue I have with the "Secret". It simplifies a way of living and does not hold the accountability that is necessary for growth. I believe in the law of attraction. I also believe that when we short change the impeccable universe by declining things that are not to our taste.... we do not learn to dance.

I believe in accountability. I believe in being honest with how you're feeling and in that truth also reaching for what you want.

I was really incredibly impressed with this man and his story and the hope and courage that he offered to each person present.

Re: Honor in letting go

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 15:29:56 GMT

Beautifully said, Nicole.

I have come to realize I need to examine the process of letting go every time I find myself in a place of suffering. The holding on invites that.

Now.... letting go does not translate to quitting for me. It is a release of expectation and an acceptance for what is. It honors the process of surrender to a greater love and a divine guidance.

Re: Honor in letting go

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 12:06:24 GMT

Dear Jill,

you know in the same way you know anything... by listening to the still small voice within.

when's there is so much noise in our lives, it's hard to hear... sometimes we need to retreat into silence - away from the hustle and bustle - what grace and clarity can come in the silence and the peace!

love,

nicole

Re: Honor in letting go

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 02:17:15 GMT

I'm wondering how you honor letting go when it is time. How do you know when it is time to let go?

Re: Fatherhood

http://jillianne.gaia.com — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 16:42:39 GMT

I love what both of you have offered here.

Michael..... gorgeous poem. I think that parenting is a sacred obligation and honoring that is a one of the more beautiful things I'll stumble across on occasion. (just as dishonoring that will break my heart.... the honoring of it fills me with a hopeful joy!)

Thanks for adding to my joy!

Re: Fatherhood

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 13:33:59 GMT

My dear Michael, each of us carries every age of child, teen and adult within us like a nearly endless number of russian dolls... that image just came to me, seems to work... so the child remains but buried under many other selves.

the child peeks out to play and laugh or storm and rage or teach at the most unexpected moments - don't you see that in adults, sometimes especially those who are older and have reached the "second childhood"?

Love,

Nicole

Re: Fatherhood

http://instanttruth.gaia.com — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 03:02:28 GMT

thanks Nicole:

I love that song but never really listened to the lyrics. Yes where do the children go?

Re: Fatherhood

http://singerseeker.gaia.com — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 01:27:09 GMT

Michael you just keep blessing us... Neil Young has spoken wonderfully of the unique child-view in his song, I am a Child:

I am a child, I'll last a while.

You can't conceive

of the pleasure in my smile.

You hold my hand,

rough up my hair,

It's lots of fun

to have you there.



God gave to you,

now, you give to me,

I'd like to know

what you learned.

The sky is blue

and so is the sea.

What is the color,

when black is burned?

What is the color?



You are a man, you understand.

You pick me up

and you lay me down again.

You make the rules,

you say what's fair,

It's lots of fun

to have you there.



God gave to you,

now, you give to me,

I'd like to know

what you learned.

The sky is blue

and so is the sea.

What is the color,

when black is burned?

What is the color?



I am a child, I'll last a while.

You can't conceive

of the pleasure in my smile.

Fatherhood

http://instanttruth.gaia.com — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 10:22:35 GMT

To be a father means you have the ability to make your favorite sandwich and sit down to your favorite TV show, and just when you are ready to take your first bite and lose yourself in entertainment..... you stop, put it down, turn off the TV and change direction.

Its 5:00 am and I just spent an hour scrubbing the bathroom floor from my daughters stomack flu. Prior to that I was in bed with my son calming his deep cough. I will have to take off work tommorow to take them to the doctors and cancel meetings.

All for what?.... Happiness of course

Happiness Is

Knowing your new sneakers make you run faster
Humming while you eat
Watching TV upside down
Jumping and landing on your knees
Swimming under water in your bath tub
Not knowing if its breakfast, lunch or dinner time
Seeing life in all stuffed animals
Being a child