TRUE LOVE

I decided to repost my blog here.  It is something I invite discussion around…..


 

“You had me at Hello” and “You Complete Me” still rate as the most dysfunctional movie dialogue ever.  I was having this discussion with my special someone and before I could name the worse movie line ever, he chimed in with the exact same “co-dependant, certain to fail in relationship” line.  So, we talked about it.  Then we moved onto song lyrics.  Trying to find an “our song” in a sea of sick and wounded lyrics is a challenge.  Secretly, I am afraid we may wind up with the Barney song by default.  (You know that one… “I love you.  You love me.  We're a happy family.  With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you…..”)

So I went on line and searched “Healthy love song lyrics”.  In all of the whole internet, I got one hit.  And it is mostly talking about how difficult they are to find.  So… I decided to try “You complete me”, and discovered a multitude of sites dedicated to therapy and psychological help that list Jerry McGuire as an example of fantasy thinking, quickly followed by the sites of those folks that are looking for that kind of “you complete me love”.

“You had me at hello” is probably only true of prostitutes.  All others are projecting an image of their own unrealized hopes.  “You complete me” is an immature wish based on a desire to feel loved and whole.  And that just cannot happen outside the self.

So, given that it is Valentine's day (And I love hearts and red/pink/white, so the commercialized version of it is fine by me.  Lol)…. And yet.  It is a day dedicated by the catholic church around a martyr.  It entailed no original romance, but was inserted into the 14^th of February to offer an alternative in a pagan stronghold.  The 15^th has long been Lupercalia - a roman ritual to honor fertility and run up and down the street naked and high fiving the women and children.  (I do not make this up).  Pope Gelasius in 494 revoked people's right to celebrate Lupercalia and put in its place St. Valentine's day instead.

And so…. Do we act as martyrs or do we run up and down the street high fiving and hoping to propagate or at least practice at it?  Well…. Yes - we still do both.  See how little has changed in 1500 years?  When we act out of a wounded place, we cannot hope to create true intimacy.  We settle for immature gestures of love.  “DEEP LOVE”  “YOU HAD ME AT HELLO LOVE”  and we wait for another human being to complete us or validate us or find us worthy.  We high five ourselves on one day in particular or feel lonely or hurt by the lack of a symbol.

And that is like a pregnant woman waiting for someone else to complete the gestation of her own child.  The growth and the work is held within each person.  We must complete ourselves.

I was offering these thoughts the other day and someone said “It is a day that we recognize love”.  I thought… “WOW - that is sad”.  I think that love is honored or dishonored in each moment.  It is not held in grand gestures or pretty words.  You can talk all you want about love, but if it is not what you extend and offer to others through the way in which you treat yourself and others…. It isn't love.  Just a bunch of empty words or manipulative gestures.

There is a communion with God/Source/Beloved/Divine/Spirit that happens when you quit defending your heart.  It allows the love that is there (and truthfully, I believe that God is love - not the immature understanding of love that creates drivel like “you had me at hello” - but a truthful and pure love)…. What was I saying?  Oh yes…. It allows the love that is there to fill you.  You find Union with that source.

How precious it is when you offer an unguarded love in your relationships!  It becomes communion with another being.

And that is something worth celebrating in every moment!  I still love the pink and red and white.  I love hearts.  What I celebrate, though…. Is the effortless love that is honored in the small moments of the 365 days of the year.  The beautiful dance two souls can honor in the presence of the Source.  That is what I celebrate today.  And tomorrow.  And then next day…..

Re: TRUE LOVE

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!!!!!!!!!

I had talked about the unhealthy dynamics played out in songs about love….. and then, I got “The circle of Fire” by Cari Cole in the mail today.  I stand corrected.

I highly recommend this CD.  I got it on Amazon, but think it is available through a wide assortment of places.  If you want a listen to her amazing voice just link onto this site….

http://www.caricole.com/home.aspx

Re: TRUE LOVE

I've gotten a lot of private mail discussion with this post and want to encourage folks to just jump into the discussion.  It is very freeing!

Re: TRUE LOVE

Well running down the street naked sounds like a lot more fun and worthwhile than couples waiting for one day one dinner one expression of love. It should be every day!!!!
Granted i do like those candy hearts and Valentine candy does taste better than most, We need to show that special someone and everyone love every single day.
So the 15th is when we get naked and run down the street?

Re: TRUE LOVE

LOL  Elf, I say run up and down the hallway naked every day and save the street running until the 15th.

I agree.  Love is best expressed without words.  My grandma has the midwestern pragmatic side that says “show me - don't tell me”.  I love the words, too…. but it is always the expression that is non-verbal that is telling.

My honey can spend hours just gazing into each others eyes and holding a willingness to be truly seen.  that says more than all the naked street running and hearts ever will. 

Re: TRUE LOVE

Ya got it right, if i have to tell ya i'm not showing you.

Re: TRUE LOVE

True.  I also think, though…. that if someone is unwilling to say it… that is telling in and of itself.  When “I love you” are just words, they lose the beauty to them.  When they are words that are reflected in action….. they are powerful words.

I think honesty is offered in both the words and the expression.

Re: TRUE LOVE

I have a different kind of problem.  find myself clinging in dissapointing relationships. I  know we go through many relationships until we find the right one. I just keep waiting. Any advice?
Greg

Re: TRUE LOVE

Whoops, maybe that belonged on the dear Abby blog

Re: TRUE LOVE

I don't think it belongs on Dear Abby.

In my life when I have been clinging to disappointing relationships it is almost always from a place in me that feels wounded.  Like if I just adjust myself or meet this person's needs then he will step up to the plate or honor our relationship.  It is a pattern I have worked hard to work out of and I like to think of it as “wanting to feel loved”.

And the bottom line is…. I am loved.  If I do not feel loved or I do not allow myself to understand the love that is all around me, I will look outside of myself for validation.  And that will hurt and disappoint every single time because it can't come from outside.  Love just is.

I think, for me, it has been my feeling separate from the source that has pushed me down roads that I then need to grow through.  I mentioned the Jerry McGuire movie.  I think it is a sick, sick relationship movie and the lines like “You complete me” or “You had me at hello” are beacons for relationships that will end.

So, my advice.  My honest advice?  Take time to assess how loveable you feel.  how you are meeting your needs.  And honestly….. what do you view relationships as?

My advice to clinging to disappointing relationships?  Same thing.  What needs do you have that you are not meeting.  what feels disappointing?  Is it something that another human being is suppose to hold for you?  Are you accountable to your own happiness or are you putting that in someone else's lap?  Are you hoping that their vision of who you are will be the “better” version of you?  (That also means that when they demonize you, it becomes your vision as well).

I honestly could go on.  I feel like I have taken one step after another after another on this road and am finally in a place where I honor me.  I'm happy with my life and I love myself.  And then I find my relationship one of sharing, instead of expectations.

Bless you!
Jill

Re: TRUE LOVE

I am truly happy with myself, maybe thats how i need to be for a while. I haveno idea why i am opening my self up to you i sure do appreciate the wise words. It always seems that i find someone and my two adorable girls don't like her. So it ends and i end up kicking myself afterward. Does that make any sense?
Namaste,
Greg

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Greg,

I think the more open we are, the greater our ability to “live” becomes.  I am going to work to remember the name of the book…. it is at least a decade old.  It is the best book to walk kids through the shock of having a paretn begin dating.  I think that is a hard transition, but one worth working with.

Do your girls have a common complaint?

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They complain that they just don't like her (anyone) . I have been divorced 8 years it's not like it's a new thing. Well they did like one that i couldn't be with. A issue with her girls.

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I think what you are expressing is a very common experience.  The only kids I've ever known to be ok with their parents dating someone else other than their Mom or their Dad is a child whose parents divorced at an age too young to remember.  or lost their parent at an age too young to remember.

Let me ask you something.  I think you indicated somewhere that they are teens.  (If I am wrong, I blame it on the west coast california SNOW…. which I am still whining about).  Anyway…. Do you intend to pick their partners?  What happens if you don't like someone they date, but it is their path to a fulfilling relationship?

I think honoring and having an awareness of your children's needs is essential.  It never means handing over the reigns of your life.  That isn't fair in the long run.  I watch my sister with my neice.  same issue.  She and I have talked about it and I feel like it is a tricky area.  To honor and be aware of her needs and for my sister to also hold a relationship that has been very wonderful for her.