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How Many Loves Does it Take to Find the One?

Amanda said May 31, 2008, 10:29 AM:

There are so many people today that have been divorced at least once and are still looking for their true soulmate. So, my question is how many times do people think they are in love until they find the one? Why does it seem so difficult and so many people think they have been in love already? Is it possible to fall out of love? Do we give love a bigger meaning then it should have?

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Re: How Many Loves Does it Take to Find the One?

Jill said Jun 2, 2008, 4:32 PM:

Amanda, you said such a mouthful…. I want to gather my thoughts….

So, if I may… I would like to come back to this. I have such a story!

Re: How Many Loves Does it Take to Find the One?

Jill said Jun 6, 2008, 3:54 PM:

Hi Amanda…

It has taken me days to sort through how I wanted to say this.

I have experienced the opportunity to grow and evolve in the relationships I have had. I am sure I could have squandered the opportunity. I am sure I could have avoided the need by shifting my thinking sooner.

And yet… the greatest answer comes from the first Harry Potter movie. Harry wanted to know why he was able to find the stone… and he was told “The one who wanted it but did not wish to use it” was the one.

When we use people to fill our own needs (and let's face it… we all have done that). Then…. we see people for who they are.

Had I found my husband twenty years ago, I would have walked on by or destroyed our relationship. It took me to truly surrender my ego and stay present and comfortable in my skin and confident in my life before I could be authentic in relating and could truly see him for who he is and not who I wish him to be.

So, the question is…. How willing are we to strip ourselves bare?

Re: How Many Loves Does it Take to Find the One?

Donna said Jun 11, 2008, 11:40 AM:

I read a book years ago by Speaking Wind and he said, Two broken people come together hoping to be made whole. It will not work. Two broken people never makes a whole.. you just have two broken people.

I have been married and divorced twice. The first marriage was that of a young girl.. 17 1/2, who didn't want to live with either parent and too young to live alone. That marriage lasted almost 20 years due to my being so stubborn and determined to stay married and “make” it work.

The second marriage lasted 8 years and ended also in divorce. Strange, I knew both times that what I really needed was to be single and figure me out.
I had baggage.. emotional crap that I needed to let go of. I needed to accept, trust and love myself.. the way I wanted others to do.

I have now been single for 7 years and love it. I am taking this time to learn about me. I am enjoying do things that I put off when I was younger so I could take care of husband, children etc.
If you find yourself single.. use this time to fall in love with yourself.

When you love yourself.. you are more likely to attract someone who knows how to love.. because he/she love his/herself.

Love yourself well,
Donna

Re: How Many Loves Does it Take to Find the One?

crystalbutterfly said Jun 11, 2008, 6:06 PM:

Well said!

I believe that we must be as honest and kind with ourselves as we can be and as honest and kind as we can be with each other. Even with both people making those efforts to a greater or lesser extent (you know we all have those crap days when we are not doing so well), we will still have growth and change. We just seem to fear change and cling to the idea of permanence (our partner staying the same 'ol way). Therein lies the rub.
Throw in family and the world and it seems maybe we should just visit each other every once in a while.
But, on the other hand, the love built from a long term investment is built on knowledge of each other and history. Every thing that people have gone through together, good and bad is a tie between them. Ironically, sometimes the worst things are what bind people the tightest.

But then I'm still single too. Ha ha ha!

Re: How Many Loves Does it Take to Find the One?

Grey Stone [no longer around] said Sep 1, 2008, 5:01 PM:

Despite the late posting, I thought I'd throw in my two cents in on this thread. It was very interesting to me to read the word 'soulmate'. Allow me a prefacing moment to say that I don't believe in such a thing. I don't believe in perfect compatibility, and I don't think that the perfect relationship exists. Alright, the point is out there. Now, let me explain.

As is often the theme in my thought processes, I believe in the force of my will in my life. It is sufficient to change my world such that I can be happy. I don't entrust my life to Fate, either. If it exists, I'm sure She would rather I not be conscious of her anyway. Thus, in relationships, I don't think there really is a 'right one'. What one has to hope for is someone who feels the same about love and commitment. The rest will fall into place.

In my opinion, differences or incompatiblities are not failures or black marks on the potential happiness of a relationship. Rather, they are opportunities for companions to learn something new and enjoy it in a way they might never have before. Example: my ex-girlfriend loves riding motorcycles. I've only ever ridden a dirt-bike, so I'm not sure if I would enjoy riding a cruiser. However, I was more than excited to try. I've never met a life experience I've turned away from unless I felt it would harm someone. Though I hadn't really thought of riding a real bike, my ex had brought the idea to the forefront of my mind. It was something new that I might have thoroughly enjoyed, not an incompatibility to be lamented.

I guess the point here is that you're not looking for 'the One'. You're looking for someone who is willing to work through problems and hold steady in both happiness and sadness. Both of the two feelings are dead certainties in your life. If you and your significant other can survive them, the rest will flourish. At least, that's my thought from my small world.