The Four Agreements

I've returned to a couple of books by Don Miguel Ruiz, recently.  The first passing of his Four Agreements ushered in huge changes for me.  The second helping, pushed me further on the path.  Lately, I feel like I have stepped off the road that has been traveled and that my path is taking me through unknown terrain.  And so, I return once again to the four agreements and am taking stock for those areas that I have not been honoring or need to stretch and change and grow in to honor more fully.

The Four Agreements see all our publications

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 2. Don't Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering. 3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Re: The Four Agreements

First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word.

Words are the most powerful force we have. All things begin there. Our thoughts create the filter that we experience the world through. Our words create, whether we are aware of that or not. Whether we choose to be responsible to our words or not. They create.
Impeccable comes from a Latin root and means to be without sin. When I think of sin, I believe it is a state in which love is not present. And I do believe that our thoughts and words are held in love or in fear.
So, I want to talk about the words we use with ourselves. As hateful as some people can be in their choice of words and actions, the words we tend to turn on ourselves and define ourselves with can be more poisonous than anything outside of us. I know that is true for me.
I began reading this book again because I knew I had stepped away from the concepts of the four agreements. I knew that my words were no longer impeccable. They were tearing me apart and creating a greater doubt and hurt inside me and I needed to hold myself accountable to the words I choose to use. To open and allow my heart to speak with love to the precious being that is me.
This has always been a returning point for me. I can pick myself to death with very little effort. And yet…. That will always create a distance from me to the source. That will always affect my ability to feel love for myself or feel the love that comes from others.
I have a much easier time seeing the divinity in others than in myself. It took me a lifetime to see it in me, and yet…. I discovered that when I looked in the mirror, I no longer could see the divine source of love reflecting back. I’d shut myself off from that.
And it isn’t about needing to understand why I’m doing it. I have been there and done that and the bottom line is that I just need to quit doing it. I remember about 17 years ago I was trying to quit saying the word “hate”. I hated this. I hated that. I hated. Once I became conscious of it, I still couldn’t quite quit it. It slipped out because it was a very practiced use of language for me. So, I began stuffing a sock in my mouth every time I said it. At first, I said it and then stuck sock in mouth. Pretty soon it was almost even. And when I no longer said it as an immediate statement, the sock was retired.
It required accountability, truth telling, integrity and a willingness to do what it would take to change my behavior and create a life that felt good to have.
I’m so glad I picked this book up again. This one thread runs through every second of my life. How I choose to speak to myself and about myself determines the life I will unfold ahead of me. Here and today, I am choosing to be impeccable in my choice of words. I am choosing to honor my life with loving words. I am choosing freedom from the chains of self-loathing.
I am beautiful.
I am precious.
I am so very loved.
I remember who I am.
And today… when I look in the mirror. I see the face of Love.

Re: The Four Agreements

That was beautiful, Jill! Boy, I REALLY am a mess! You know, the saddest part of me is, the words of another, have created such an angry, ugly, loathing of myself! That, I just want to be away from people, even the ones dearest to me, all the  time! I want to be a recluse!v Swallowed by my own self-loathing and disgust! But, on the other side of that coin, I don't want those who threw my love and trust away, to win! I feel like Jeckyll and Hyde! How does one recover from that?

Re: The Four Agreements

Bit by bit.  That is how one recovers from that.

I survived significant and horrific abuse growing up.  I've certainly been on the uphill climb in recovering myself and healing my wounds.  And the only thing I can honestly say is that it requires accountability.

At some point…. every single human being has to own where they are at and what is keeping them stuck there and commit to changing what you can.  I love the serenity prayer for that reason.  If you're not familiar….

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

The words that were used to define and hurt you have NO power.  Truly they do not.  You give them life and you give them your power and that is the one thing you can change.  And it takes courage.  And it takes ownership.  And it takes accountability.  But it is also the one path to freedom and healing. 

You said that you don't want those who threw your love and trust away to win.  Win what?  Love is.  It just is.  It is as pervasive as the air we breath.  If someone holds their breath it isn't a personal affront to me.  When someone chooses to walk away from the love I have for them, it doesn't change the love.  They're just holding their breath.

When I hold an expectation that the love I offered is taken in and respnded to in a particular matter…. it isn't love.  Love doesn't work that way.  That is the part of me that is wounded and is trying to get my needs met.  So…. I come back to the serenity prayer.  I come back to accountability.  I take ownership over how I feel and what my needs are.

We all are a mess at some point.  No shame in that.  So, grab a dust bin and start with the pile closest to you.  It is worth the journey!

Re: The Four Agreements

Jill,

I LOVE the image this gives me to work with.  I expect that before very long, I will see it in my life and be able to think of it that way.

“Love is.  It just is.  It is as pervasive as the air we breath.  If someone holds their breath it isn't a personal affront to me.  When someone chooses to walk away from the love I have for them, it doesn't change the love.  They're just holding their breath.”

Thank you for getting me to think about all of this again.

Deborah

Re: The Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.


I find that I have this discussion frequently with people that are gifted with an intelligence that they tend to use with a higher frequency or overuse as the case may be.  It has to do with he words that we choose to use.  Do they go into the direction of truth and love.

I have found over the years that I turn to the use of sarcasm less and less often.  It holds no joy.  It may strike me as “funny”, but it doesn't delight me.  There is no truth to sarcasm and it is never, ever used with love.  Sarcasm is most always used in stead of outright anger.

I remember having this discussion on New Years Eve once.  I didn't want my New Year started with the poison of sarcasm.  (So, I invited the argument.  Not sure there was much difference except that the anger spoken was more honest than the sarcasm that had been lacing the air before).

I find that self-deprecating humor (AKA sarcasm) never helps me to stand taller or hold more personal power.  It simply instills a message about me to me.

There are people that I know and love endlessly that disagree with me on the sarcasm thing.  Two of them use the same argument.  They invoke intelligence.  And while I am willing to admit only the truly bright and gifted mind can twist sarcasm into witty repartee, it doesn't make it less angry than the crude and poorly delivered sarcasm of someone who does not hold their intellectual gift for words.

And even if anger is not a surface acknowledgment…. few people absorb sarcasm and feel good about having received it.

What are your thoughts?  Do you think sarcasm is fine and I'm holding a sensitive line?  Do you think that love can be held inside the bounds of a sarcastic remark?

Re: The Four Agreements

Words spoken from the heart are strong …when they are spoken from the head they put me to sleep.     Your friend Tina

Re: The Four Agreements

Sarcasm does have love in it but each person needs to look for it.  If your looking for silver you may not see the diamonds all around you.  Whatever your looking for you will find.
Your friend Tina

Re: The Four Agreements

I have mixed feelings about sarcasm. the first guy i ever dated calls it “snarkasm” which i like as a “portmanteau” word (a la Lewis Carroll). i agree that it is usually not helpful. i don't know whether or not it can be loving in and of itself. i tend to think not. there may be love in the person who used the sarcasm but it rarely if ever conveys love to the hearer. all that glitters is not gold. not every rapier-sharp, clever “bon mot” is worth repeating or worth hearing, for all its wit.

i can be guilty of using sarcasm, but i don't think of it as one of my best features, by any means.

love,

nicole

Re: The Four Agreements

Nicole,

I've been guilty of the sarcasm myself.  What I do know is it always conveys disgust or anger in one form or another.  There is no joy held in sarcasm.
And althgouhg I think you can easily love and be loving….. you cannot extend love and sarcasm in the same hand.

Tricky stuff.

Re: The Four Agreements

i always come back to speaking truth in love. sarcasm has no place there. selfishness has no place there, or scoring points, or laughing at others, or gossiping. truth-in-love isn't cruel. it weighs honesty with need-to-know. do we just blurt out everything we know all the time, regardless? no, that is not skilful living. that is not truth in love.

love,

nicole

Re: The Four Agreements

Jill,

Sarcasm - I have never found it to be loving.  It is usually painful to the one on the receiving end.  That someone can be intelligent enough to deliver it skillfully, generally does not make it feel any better.  On the contrary, it places the one on the receiving end in a position of receiving it gracefully - it is a joke afterall, but one that cuts too close to a reality (even when in exaggeration) in my opinion to really be funny.

I won't say I've never been guilty but I doubt I do it often, for I've never found delight in doing so.

Jill, we are both Gemini's and Mercury is the ruler.  Is it any wonder that the nuances of communication are important to us?

Deborah

Re: The Four Agreements

I pulled out my audio book and listened to it today while walking.  I found much in Don Miguel Ruiz's introduction to this book that reminds me of recent reading of Greg Braden's ideas about the intelligent field he calls The Divine Matrix in the descripton of the Tonal and the Nagual.  The light that is the stars and the places between the stars and us.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

Black Magic, Poison, Gossip, Self Loathing

I remember in my very first reading being very struck by the story of the little girl whose loving mother came home, tired after a bad day at work, and the little girl was singing and her mother told her that her voice was ugly and so she never sang again.  Maybe it is because I have a challenging son.  I try so hard to do the right thing by him, he pushes my envelope mercilessly but we both make progress.

I liked the analogy of the Computer Virus - it is in the same language but messes every thing up as it works it's mischief.  I think sarcasm is like a computer virus.  We may not see how damaging the clever words are but they work their mischeif anyway. 

The word stupid and how damaging it can be caught my attention today.  There are so many times we've all been told very negative things about ourselves.  Is it any wonder it is so hard to be authentic?  And I thought he was right on about that point, trying to be something we're not and being unhappy as a result.

I am glad I'm listening to it again.  I am hearing new nuances this time.  Got to get to bed now.

Deborah

Re: The Four Agreements

You're speaking words that I hold dear.  Sarcasm is poison.  People clean it up and call it “dry wit”, but it is just anger at the expense of a joke.  Joy is never found in the drops of sarcasm.

About parenting….. it is such a sacred obligation.  How to hold that fine line between boundaries and nurturing.  It offers the opportunity to stand ungarded and love without expectation.

When I find myself in a challenging place with anyone, I will take time out and sit and have great coffee and make a list of what I appreciate and learn from that person.  It simply shifts the focus and then I know how and what I need to do to still have healthy boundaries and honor this being.

Bless you!

Re: The Four Agreements

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering.

I love this agreement.  It has changed my life.  For a long time I had to remind myself that other people's opinion of me was none of my business.  Once in a while I get lost back in that zone.

Recently, I've had time to look at a relationship that meant the world to me.  I am so good about my boundaries with people, and yet…. this is someone that I dearly love and I discovered that I had allowed my friend's opinion become my truth.  I suffered.  I willingly allowed the unfolding of something that became emotionally abusive to me because I took it all personally.

What an incredible lesson.  I had become quite gifted at this personal agreement with people that I am not close with.  But, it took someone I had an emotional intimacy with to teach me the value of this agreement in relationships.

I feel like the more I fully understand the agreement, the more I am able to be utterly naked and vulnerable.  I do not need to guard or defend my heart if I am unwilling to accept ownership for other people's stuff.

My people pleasing skills are growing rusty, and I am celebarting!

Re: The Four Agreements

Jill,

This book had a big impact on me when I read it as well.  I am happy to revisit it.

Two that are meaningful to me in this moment - is the Don't Make Assumptions - I have had this come back to me in two ways - one is in judging the actions of my children.  I once read advice about giving them the best explanation you can think of and seeing if it fits.  Often it does or something even better.  This takes alot of stress out of my day.

Also this one has affected me in some heated discussions here at Zaadz.  However, I have had the courage, maybe not to ask questions but, to restate what I thought the point was that the individual was trying to make.  This offered the individual an the opportunity to provide more clarity for me and sometimes has the impact of changing my initial impression.

Always Do Your Best - it is good to remember that all of us usually are - doing our best.  Most people do not deliberately set out to do their worst and so, when you think upon that, what was it that a person intended for the outcome to be?, regardless of what the final result was.  Then, sometimes, it is possible to honor the intention, while at the same time contemplating why it did not turn out as expected.

I would do well to re-read this book.  I also have it on audio tape.  I started on The Mastery of Love but haven't finished it.

Deborah

Re: The Four Agreements

I've been alternating between re-reading this book and Eckhart Tolle's book.  I love the diversity of discussion that all seems to lead to the same point…. “recognize the divinity of your being and let go of your ego”

I love Ruiz because the agreements are consistent with how I was raised to believe and it is soothing in a lot of ways.

and children.  OMG…. what an honest test and sacred honor.  Definitely an opportunity to forge in fire the mettle of your being.

in terms of zaadz….. as well as in all other walks of life.  It takes a quiet courage to stand time and time again, unguarded and genuine.  Event when a reflection of that expression pushes someone else's buttons.

Jill

Re: The Four Agreements

I have breezed through to the end of the audio book. I want to go back and listen again because there were comments I wanted to make about 2. Don't Take Anything Personally and 3. Don't Make Assumptions but I didn't have time.  Today I was at the end and it was very meaningful.  The analogy between infected skin sores and mental wounds was good.  But equating God with Love really worked for me today.  Love for the Trees, Love for the Water, Love for the Wind.  Love and the meditation on Love brought tears to my eyes. 

It works with some issues I have been contemplating lately.

Deborah

Re: The Four Agreements

I had JUST finished quoting this book to a friend of mine via email when I came to check zaadz.  I had to smile and laugh.  I love synchronicity.

One of the things I am truly honoring these days is the precious gift of communication.  My boyfriend and I come back time and time again to the gratitude that neither one of us has to guess or assume what is going on with the other person because we share and invite and communicate.  And that is one of Ruiz' statements in the third agreement……

“with clear communication, all of your relationships will change, not only with your partner but with everyone else.  You won't need to make assumptions because everything becomes so clear.”  Don Miguel Ruiz

Re: The Four Agreements

Jill,

I just posted a link to this thread in the Gaia Networking pod here -

http://pods.gaia.com/z_network/discussions/view/350123#358172

My pleasure to promote your beautiful space here.

Deborah

Re: The Four Agreements

Deby,
You're wonderful to me.  I apologize for not being around much lately.  I am about to launch my website and put my artwork up for sale.  Busy, busy, busy.