southern appalachia

editor's note:  this post shows alot about me, taken from Ww's thread, northern california (if you'd like to check out how it looks in context.  it's a beginning.  there is one major edit to that post as i named and linked to the main shadowwork men's group that i belong to. 

—

blessings to you as well, with all your choices.

i tried to start a profile, but the energies wouldn't co-operate. besides, my zaadz profile is still in the works, and i plan to be as honest in that one as i will be anywhere. maybe, i will make one for here soon enough.

it's fine that you are off the market, and realistically the odds that any two people really are compatible enough to warrant a serious relationship are remote. i'm not talking about a single soulmate, i think i have at least a thousand soulmates, but put that into the billions of people on earth… mathematics. but seriously, a shadowworker, an integral practioner, sacred sex, bdsm, AND a fan of yes music. *bows down to the ground to worship* *sneaking in to try to kiss feet, …and then ass*

regarding compersion, yes, i do see it as an integral part of christianity as jesus meant it. though i don't have much need to convince a church of that. i want to honor and even respect everyone's choice. i can empathize with jealous people, my shadow is not gone. tho the seed of compersion is well-rooted in me. and yes, stranger in a strange land had a powerful effect on me as well. i feel comfortable saying it is my favorite book of all-time.

i am so into not-doing that most people die of boredom with me. i sit and observe and smile. and then when i get off my ass to try to help. the shadows are overwhelming. i am a hermit for good reason. in 2005, i moved to an eco-village at http://www.earthaven.org/. those people are amazing, loving, focused energetically to help the planet thru example. they work with permaculture which is finding a way to bring and maintain a ecologically sustainable community to critical mass. it's exactly what i think i want to do. but i couldn't stand up for myself there. that experience lead me to shadowwork, which i've been practicing steadily for about a year and a half. still the energy, whether shadow or true, keeps me from trying to go back.

but i thank the energy (sometimes), and look for opportunities that are blessed by both shadow and light.

for the past two years i've been living with my parents as a base to find my next intentional neighborhood. i have money saved up from previous work, and my mom is paying for all my expenses, because she wants/needs help taking care of my dad, who has phase 2 1/2 dementia. so i'm temporarily retired, and i go to various events, like pagan festivals and sacred sexuality workshops and my men's shadowwork group (the mankind project, at www.mkp.org ) on various weekend events. it's been a interesting year. while home i've become nocturnal. i have not taken to the role of caregiver, i don't know why my mom puts up with my not helping more (prolly cuz she‘d knows i‘d leave), but i think it's because she knows the universe, (God), has potential plans for me, and i need to use this time to further my growth processing. it's like you leaving town for 20 minutes, only its been almost two years.

i think i understand why you and the guys in our salon love ken's work. and i like to listen to them to a degree, to the degree that i am recognized for my genius, lol. but nooooooo. : )   of course that is entirely not true.  it was just that one time it happened.  and if i hadn't frozen, i would have been able to speak my truth.

i still haven't e'mailed them about what i want from them for me to continue. and i think it is this, instead of shooting me down for not using the terms correctly, first actively listen to me and then suggest how i might rephrase things so they do fit the model. but i may be too much of a indigo (or higher) genius, so their prolly jealous. it may or may not work out for much longer, no problem either way.  lol  (laughing at myself)

are you sure you don't like the whore/madonna concept, cuz that really turns me on. : ) well, yes and no. i don't want to harm anyone either. what my limited experience has told me is that a certain toughening up is helpful to reduce wimpiness. and that a certain degree of submissiveness in the face of dominance is not weakness. and that practicing the shadow behavior of dominance is good for future uses of being effective. it's not the only way to achieve these lessons, but it sure looks like a fun and intense way, and the people that i‘ve met that do this are very compelling people. those people are ten hours away, tho. i have a few good stories about my mythic life when i visit them.  steel hooks!?!?!  8o (<-emoticon)

i had a death dream a long time ago. i was sentenced to death and hooked up to a machine that would spin a person around until, splat. and as i was hooked in, and the machine started turning, a voice in my head said, you know you are dreaming and that if you die in your dream you really do die. so for whatever reason i was really into it and i committed to dying in the dream. so eventually, splat, and my consciousness released for my body and expanded to the stars further and further, and the feeling that accompanied it was the mostly blissful peace i have ever felt in my life. i have a little fear of death, some if i'm in a situation that requires effective action to avoid it, but really i look forward to it.

regarding vampires, the confident (not overconfident) ones are definitely seductive. and i'm completely convinced that you are one. maybe it's the picture in your profile.

it's been wonderful indulging you and myself. yeah, i can visualize you as a queen bee (or beast) attracting many males. …and me a sovereign for both genders. no hurries, time will tell.

Re: southern appalachia

tonight, in my men's group, i wanted to look at why in a meeting earlier this week that i froze from expressing myself. i mean, why? these men were good friends, and were just trying to help me focus on integral theory. why couldn't i remain connected in conversation?

so i started in on the event, they challenged me to speak with wilber definitions, and sure my definitions (due to my hermetic life) are almost all with a unique twist that i put in to cover the reality of my many unique experiences and viewpoints that evolved. but instead of engaging i sat back and judged that they wouldn't be able to handle all the nuances of my language.

so the facillitator had me repeat the body language of my retreat in the convo. i stood with my balance leaning backward and used that angle so i could position my head so that, to me, i was looking down at them.

so the facillitator had another man stand in to re-enact that stance and vibration, and asked me, where in your life have you seen this done to you? and i flashed on event in elementary school (parochial). a teacher there that didn't know me at all, had caught me in the bathroom, i was pissing in the urinals, but i was playing with it by moving urinal to urinal producing a little splash in each one. no, i don't know why i was doing that, lol. but he caught me. and told me to come to his class after school.

i showed up, and his punishment for me was supposed to be equal to the famous paddle that another teacher used. his punishment was that he used the focused blow from a knuckle smacked into the center of my backbone. the moment he did this there was no pain, only fear, and then after a sigh of relief, as i felt i got away without a punishment.

this isn't the core piece of my work, because i remember being five years old and totally freezing when our family moved and a new neighborhood boy my exact age, friendly came over to say hi and welcome. so i'd always overlooked this elementary school punishment as a key event, since there was no pain involved. but tonight i realized that event is a significant layer to my issue, because the subtle damage he did to my spine very likely limited my ability to heal the underlying issue.

anyway, i just awoke from my first REM sleep sequence, and my spine was much more active, pulsing life and pain. and i think that besides further shadowwork in group (and by myself), that i'll be going to a chiropractor to see if i can do a better job at a relatively permanent fix with a conscious knowledge of this event. 

sometime in midway thru high school, i started developing digestive problems.  and because of my distrust of the medical establishment, i never had them look at it (except one chiropractor).  finally when i was 45, when i finally had a job that had medical benefits, i had a physical with blood tests that diagnosed a something that they had an antibiotic treatment for.  before the treatment, i would have to belch probably on average two hours a day and if i didn't a pain in my stomach would escalate, and if i did belch, the pain would be a tolerable dull ache.  after the treatment, the pain was 98% contained, tho i still had to burp about a half hour a day.  further investigation revealed that part of that problem was an ulcer.

i still have digestive problems, tho i have seen a slow steady decrease of need to burp and fart, which i attribute to my diet, which i have a plan of attack to develop, once i've moved out of the folks 'lower level' and back on my own.

Re: southern appalachia

from one of my posts to http://pods.zaadz.com/yes_heaven/discussions/view/120318 

YES was it for me, too. before and after my hardcore 'christian' years. i am thankful for my time there, tho i missed out on the era where free sexual love was practiced. they really ingrained in me the practice of listening to the inner voice. that inner voice, which assured me that it was Jesus, led me to a God that was much bigger than the one they seemed to worship. a god that embraces all paths like the sun shines on all beings.

think of that!!!!!stars shine so completely that thousands of light-years away to a minuscule speck of a planet, to a miniscule speck of my eyes it is ever present. so first you've got to get the scope of this, a light-SECOND is 286,000 miles, the earth is 8,000 miles in circumference, so roughly 36 times around the earth every second. times 60 sec, times 60min, times 24 hours, times 365 days, times 1000's of year. now that's how far that light travels and further. and then think of the sphere that would generate and every point as small as my eyes (and thru atmosphere) on that sphere is still getting light.

anyway, now Infinity is my God. and infinity is big in so many ways. in infinity, that star example is crushed into a nothing, into an atom-sized prick of light in another world just as big as the star is to me. and over and over and over again each concept of infinity is dwarfed by Infinity. and that is just one direction of the physical dimension. the other direction of the physical is to the miniscule, again, we can (well we can't) magnify infinitely small. i think you can understand that the atomic level is so small that we really have no possible way to grasp as to have small it is, and then in Infinity further and further magnification (if it were possible) would reveal further and further, infinite complexity. and that is only the physical dimension.

then there is time, without any beginning. scientists used to say it began with the big bang, but now they say that the big bang repeats itself over and over and over, etc. and that is only one direction of time, turning to the miniscule increments of time there is no smallest moment. in a nanosecond, only 1/100000000 of a second an infinity of events happen.

and then there are the dimensions of consciousness, which are ….

and then infinite other dimensions.

Infinity, my God

yes, and christianity, and many (infinite?) other sources have blessed and cursed me, if i think of it that way.

but now i want to share a view of the bible that i feel for me is The critical enlightenment spark of my life.  this is not something anyone else has to believe, and for truth i only half believe it. 

in genesis, the story of the garden of eden says that eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil is what got adam and eve kicked out.  it says that it was a disobedience of god that was what got them kicked out, but i think that the crucial point is that the 'fruit' of that tree is what did it.  i recognized that eating that 'fruit' means judging things as good and evil, and even as good and bad.  so when we divide things into good and bad, we divide god into two.  then we say god is good and the devil is evil.  and then everything is not god, and That is what kicks us out of the garden of eden.

so the whole bible is only stories of people out of touch with the one true god, because they keep eating from this 'tree'.

now a paradox arises, if saying this is good and this is bad is wrong (bad), then we are still eating of the fruit if we say, i'm not going to judge things as good or bad, because that's bad.  it's not bad to eat from the 'tree'.  so… what is the solution?????

Re: southern appalachia

well, you are correct. there are infinite solutions.

one is simple one, realizing there is no problem.

another is simple, listening and dancing to yes music, or maybe alanis music, or some such derivitive.

or in my case, watch the serenity movie, and the firefly tv dvd series over and over, with and without commentaries, until you really see the gorram, ruttin‘ ching sao tsai da. and then for variety watching the sci-fi channel's dune and children of dune over and over. until you really see the fulcrum. and of course, doing shadowwork with and without trained and training facillitators.

and infinite Love.

you are 100% connected to God, Infinity.  whether you know it or not.

Re: southern appalachia

had a wonderful four-day weekend at a pagan gathering around the theme of sacred sexuality.  my connections are growing with this group as this was my fourth time at an event there.  i'm deepening intimacy with more and more people, and getting more comfortable with other people's nudity and previously shocking behavior.

i used my flogger for the first time.  i bought it a year ago, but haven't found a timing to use it.  i got good feedback from the participant and onlookers. that was about an hour session of flogging and caressing and close eye contact and other playing with some instruments of pain that she brought (spatula spanking, light caning).

had one night of bonfire dancing that was the most intense for me, yet. tho i didn't get naked like other times, i felt better bonding with the whole group.  i did get topless and was freeballing under a skirt.

i was gifted the opportunity to where a pagan pentacle and represent the family whenever i want.  the man who sold it to me makes the pendant/necklaces.  and tho i could have put it on myself, when he volunteered to put it on me, i felt an warm acceptance from all my newest friends.

i got to discuss polyamory with polyamorists and made some interesting beginning connections. a couple of them beyond the subtle connections, with actual voiced communication. no ventures into the four intentional conversations, which shows myself that i'm comfortable being single.

i participated energetically in an anal massage. the instructor did the only physical probing with latex gloves, and the people watching were inviting to share in the energy with laying on of hands. i chose to hold the person's hand and head. it was a powerful wonderful event.  just like reflexology on the foot the anus has connections to the whole body.  and being powerful close to the root chakra, it's amazing that there is such a huge shadow to consciously working with it.

i 'played' with my goddess (an entity, not embodied in any person). i'm still not sure of her name, possibly artemis or morgana or kali. for a while i was a slave to her, being told to stay seated on the floor of the 'dungeon' and not move for hours. then she set me free to participate as a free man. the beginning and ending of dungeon-play every night was brought in and out with ritual inviting all gods to oversee. no pomposity, but a serious desire for spiritual wisdom of communication, respect and transformation, which is all a very natural fit for bdsm.

the president of the association (free spirit alliance) died last winter, and there was a memorial service at the labyrynth. and during the service i felt called to be an occasional receptacle for his spirit and accepted it, as he accepted me.

i would have liked to share some of the uniquely innovative ways the rituals were done to enhance the spirit of the whole community toward openness and deepening connection.  i would also like to give props to the two main sources of those rituals.  but i feel that the spirits prefer i just say that, i am honored to be working with this part of wildly creative forces.

Re: southern appalachia

…oh…

…the Gates…

How current. 

Kill or be killing - faster sins correct the flow.  Casting giant Shadows of vast penetrating force.    …    The pen won't stay the demon's wings - the hour approaches!  Pounding out the devil's sermon!

Soon, oh, soon the light
Pass within and soothe this endless night
We'll wait here for you
Our reason to be here

Soon, oh, soon the time
All we move to gain will reach and calm
Our heart is open
Our reason to be here

Long ago
Set it to rhyme

Soon, oh, soon the light
Ours to shape for all time, ours the right
The sun will lead us
Our reason to be here

Soon, oh, soon the light
Ours to shape for all time, ours the right
The Son will lead us
Our reason to be here

Re: southern appalachia

This is great work!

And this is why the Personal should and can be included in the Transpersonal.  Because there is nothing to fear in knowing one another's or our own stories - nothing to fear but being known.  Guy Finley is now one of the advertizers on zaadz and I listened to one of his audio recordings the other day.  He said that the one thing that gets in the way of love is the terror of too much awareness.  He put it slightly differently, but that's basically it. 

Beautiful stuff, man.

~Ww

Re: southern appalachia

the personal and transpersonal, to  me, are one integrated piece.  they can be focused on to appear individual, but that is an illusion.

i had a dream last night that was just this lesson.  i saw my rational mind focusing various patterns (like the personal or transpersonal), and making decisions based on that focused knowledge.  but when acting on that decision the intuitive mind, which is connected to infinity often stops the action from being taken due to shadowed or unseen influences. 

in my work in group wednesday i looked this as well.  i kept speaking alternatively from the voice of the rational mind and then the voice of the intuitive mind.  the rational mind got pissed off at the intuitive mind for teasing the rational mind with knowledge to make decisions and then stopping the choice.  the intuitive mind laughed it off, saying get used to it, because i have access to so much more data that you can't handle.

prolly the wrong pod for this, but fuck it.  lol

—

from the moment i reached out to hold i felt a sound,
and what touches our soul slowly moves as touch rebounds,
and to know that tempo will continue - lost in trance of dances,
as rhythm takes another turn.

as is my want,
i only reach,
to look in your eyes.
  –yes

Re: southern appalachia

next weekend, i'll be dancing at an event called a drum dance.  i did this last year, as well.  it involves a food, water and speaking fast from sundown friday until late morning sunday.  it also involves dancing in a straight line forward and backward to the beat of a native american style of drumming (mostly lakota songs).  we dance about six hours over that time, and rest in silence in an outdoor shelter most of the rest of the time.

there is lots of ritual involved, including a sweat lodge and lots of smudging.

it is rather amazing how intensely close people can get to each other without talking.  the dance has a overall intention of personal and global health.

there is also a similar dance that lasts an extra day longer.  i've helped other people dance in that extended dance last weekend, and found it extremely rewarding.

it's impossible to explain just how time stops at these events, and how much happens in the few days we gather. 

Re: southern appalachia

yay!  i've moved to asheville, nc.

so far it has been a powerful event.  i'm living with a yoga instructor and fellow shadowworker from my men's group.  i'm exercising a lot more, eating a lot better, drinking alchohol is almost nil, tv watching is much less (no cable).  and we're talking about taking it all to a new level, and we're cautious to do it mindfully.

i even have a partial job (not that i need one yet).  I'm helping a small job construction contractor to do various tasks that free him up to focus on getting the work done right.  the guy is extremely easy-going and fun to work with.  he has other people that can work with him, so it's not anything i can count on.  however, it's good experience and good exercise and good social interaction when he wants me to help out. 

asheville is a very cool city.  you wouldn't believe all the options i have to join various groups that promote evolution in the green, indigo, violet, and non-dual.