Northern California

[This is going to be my profile.  It's gonna be a work in progress, so don't ever ass-u-me that it's finished.  I will always find more to reveal.]

It's time for me to create the relationship that I want. 

If the man who is in and out of my life right now (R.) doesn't want this kind of relationship with me, then he gets to make a choice.  He is totally free to do that.  But if he has to objectify me and project all his own self-loathing on me in order to make the break, then he doesn't need to be in a relationship with me anyway.  If he does want this kind of relationship with me, then I would be more than enthusiastic about that.  After 2 1/2 years, it's now or never.  Make up your mind.

I am now single and available.  Someone help me celebrate!

And now I'm letting the b/f back into my life because he's in treatment for meth addiction and taking the entire thing very seriously.  As many may know, drugs aren't really about drugs.  It may seem that way for a while, but it's really not.  It's about fear.  And anger.  And helplessness and shame.  And we all have to look at those things, especially in regards to sex and intimate relationships.  Underneath his torment, he is a wonderful gem of a human being.  Time will tell if he can learn to protect that precious person from the torment, or if he will abandon him again. 

I still love ALL MAN.  That will never change.  And I am learning how to expand that to be ALL HUMAN without crossing boundaries that I don't want to cross.  Which is great!  I LOVE loving people!!  And so far, I have not had to surrender my freedom to have what I want.  With the deeper and fuller Incarnation of God, I won't ever have to.

• 5'4”
• Long red hair
• Average weight with a deep desire to be better, stronger, faster…  (lemme know if you wanna work out together - no really.  Actually work out.  I have some equipment.)
• My body is a war-zone.  A landscape shaped and marked from battles - both victories and defeats.  It has also known peace and has features of breathtaking beauty and haunting grace.  But most importantly, it has previously unknown valleys where God dwells, Shambhalas hidden to all but Gaia who keeps them perfect for her own glory and pleasure, and awaits the first pioneer to discover her hiding place.
• I am Goth.  If that is offensive, then don't approach me.  It is how I express my desire to Embrace and Integrate Shadow. 

Re: Northern California

i find it hard to believe no replies.  i'll ass-u-me you delete them all to keep the thread clutter-free.

you very much have my attention. tho i live in southern appalachia, i am very free to move anywhere. i'm single (for the last three years) and definitely feeling a need to deeply and profoundly bond which takes time.

i have many unique attributes that disqualify me from the vast majority of people. the first one is that i am polyamorous. you prolly know what that is, but i'll tell you about my version of it. first i'll tell you what it is not. it is not a vehicle for swinging. it is about serious loving honest relationships of the sort i understand you will have. it is a vehicle to disarming jealousy. it is not necessarily group marriage (marriage isn‘t the exact word i‘m looking for), tho in preference i would hope that it would slowly evolve that way. it is open to creativity-based consensus of the people involved. all with the goal of creating a source of Love that is inspiring to all who want to see the future and present to be vibrantly healthy in every way.

tho i don't know you, i love the thought of integrating shared value (synergy), shadow work, physical healing-oriented exercise, and tho you didn't say it intentional eating.

i believe i have a deep connection to the non-dual and to christianity i haven't read enough of you, yet, to understand your connection to them and how you plan to interact with the church.  my connection has taken on a mythical twist to it, which i love to share.  can you tolerate paganism?

things i might see getting in the way. you appear to have a hell of a lot of energy and you might see me as someone who slows you down. put in a first person statement, i have shadow regarding my view of people who need to be doing something all the time. and i have shadow relating to shaming myself for not doing enough.  

things that might go right, i love to assist people in interesting adventures.  you and i have enough similar interests that a natural synergy could be unstoppable, because other than the wilber worship  : )  i thoroughly enjoy most everything i've read (i know i haven't read all that much, but i love it so far)

i don't want to put too much energy into my introduction to hook up, so i'll leave it at this. and see if anything develops.

oh yeah, i love to play with sex, love experimental uses of almost anything, especially body/mind energetics. i recently have been exposed to folks who practice bdsm, and i know i'm a mix. i wouldn't want to start out on this path until deep respect and communication is clear to both of us, and it is not necessary that i have to go down this path.

Re: Northern California

Ohmygoodness!

A response!

Believe it or not (I don't either, btw) no one has responded until now.  Not directly.  Some have been indirect.  Which is fine, but if they're so timid, I'm afraid I would overwhelm them.  And that prolly means there is a part of themselves that they feel overwhelmed by sometimes, and that doesn't usually work out well for me. 

I very much appreciate the contributions of polyamory and paganism.  I was just telling my daughter the other day that I have this weird thing called, “compersion”, which I learned about from the poly community.  She was shocked that I even knew what that was.  Then, when I 'splained it as getting a warm-fuzzy feeling (where most people feel jealousy) when someone I love feels love or attraction for someone else, she laughed nervously and said, “That's fucked up!”  It was pretty funny.  There's something about not repressing the impulses at all which changes EVERYTHING and makes room for SO many new things to emerge.  It's amazing and fascinating to me.  Jesus said that He wants us to have more abundant life.  That doesn't have to mean being poly, but I think it does mean not repressing.  It's okay to respectfully suppress things which would damage the We Space, but thats not the same as repressing.  The Church really needs to grok that concept.

I don't necessarily feel that I need to be doing things all the time, but I feel as if I have to be vigilant about certain things.  My character, for one.  I've been looking at that this weekend and trying to imagine how I would do Shadow Work on it.  It still hasn't solidified yet.  So, because people who try to get me to take a chill-pill trigger me, that prolly means we'd both be standing in one another's Shadows.  Lots of energy there for good or ill. 

I too have shame for being “irresponsible” or “non-contributing” which gets torqued fairly easily.  It's still confusing to me sometimes, but that's largely because I'm living with the trigger in my face day in and day out.  If I leave town for 20 minutes, my head clears and I can see better.

LOL  Wilber-worship!  Yeah, that triggers alot of people.  I don't really worship him, but I get a kick out of other people getting worked up over it.  There's a little viciousness in that, I see.  I Shadow Hug him.  Which means, what I love about him, is true of me, and if people don't dig him, then they might not dig me, and I'm okay with those bullets flyin' off in his direction instead of mine for a change.  Now, that's fucked up!  LOL

Yeah, the bdsm thing holds something for me to learn about, but I don't know how to approach it yet.  I don't like the whore/maddona concept and I don't like being actually preyed upon and having my sex - or whatever - harvested, so I don't know what options there are.  I love seduction, either way.  But I only want to play at it.  I don't want it to be actually dangerous to anyone.  I would never want to harm anyone, so I know it's possible to do it that way. 

I was thinking today about the Vampire motif, and decided that I like that best because of the seductive part.  I have a very strong death impulse, and I long to meet someone else who can match me.  Not to die, but to prepare for it and mature by developing a relationship with it.  Austere monastic traditions provide the opportunity to prepare for death - monks make great Goths!  So, the death impulse is not just some twisted-sicko thing, it has a very important role to play in life, and a very long history.  The current phenomenon of “Murder Groupies” is prolly the current, Shadowed manifestation of that, since our culture has no legitimate avenue for this expression.  Some people dig the zombie thing or the Terminator thing because of the robotic, unrelenting aspect, and some like the animal hunting thing because of the impersonal, pre-conscious aspect, but I prefer to be seduced by a brilliant and creative human person.  I want to get to the point where I cease to resist because it is the right thing to do.  There is alot of room for play in there.  And I'm not sure if I could walk into a Vampire Club without bursting into laughter.  LOL

Re: Northern California

blessings to you as well, with all you choices.

i tried to start a profile, but the energies wouldn't co-operate. besides, my zaadz profile is still in the works, and i plan to be as honest in that one as i will be anywhere. maybe, i will make one for here soon enough.

it's fine that you are off the market, and realistically the odds that any two people really are compatible enough to warrant a serious relationship are remote. i'm not talking about a single soulmate, i think i have at least a thousand soulmates, but put that into the billions of people on earth… mathematics. but seriously, a shadowworker, an integral practioner, sacred sex, bdsm, AND a fan of yes music. *bows down to the ground to worship* *sneaking in to try to kiss feet, …and then ass*

regarding compersion, yes, i do see it as an integral part of christianity as jesus meant it. though i don't have much need to convince a church of that. i want to honor and even respect everyone's choice. i can empathize with jealous people, my shadow is not gone. tho the seed of compersion is well-rooted in me. and yes, stranger in a strange land had a powerful effect on me as well. i feel comfortable saying it is my favorite book of all-time.

i am so into not-doing that most people die of boredom with me. i sit and observe and smile. and then when i get off my ass to try to help. the shadows are overwhelming. i am a hermit for good reason. in 2005, i moved to an eco-village at www.earthaven.org. those people are amazing, loving, focused energetically to help the planet thru example. they work with permaculture which is finding a way to bring and maintain a ecologically sustainable community to critical mass. it's exactly what i think i want to do. but i couldn't stand up for myself there. that experience lead me to shadowwork, which i've been practicing steadily for about a year and a half. still the energy, whether shadow or true, keeps me from trying to go back.

but i thank the energy (sometimes), and look for opportunities that are blessed by both shadow and light.

for the past two years i've been living with my parents as a base to find my next intentional neighborhood. i have money saved up from previous work, and my mom is paying for all my expenses, because she wants/needs help taking care of my dad, who has phase 2 1/2 dementia. so i'm temporarily retired, and i go to various events, like pagan festivals and sacred sexuality workshops and my men's group puts on various weekend events. it's been a interesting year. while home i've become nocturnal. i have not taken to the role of caregiver, i don't know why my mom puts up with my not helping more (prolly cuz she‘d knows i‘d leave), but i think it's because she knows the universe, (God), has potential plans for me, and i need to use this time to further my growth processing. it's like you leaving town for 20 minutes, only its been almost two years.

i think i understand why you and the guys in our salon love ken's work. and i like to listen to them to a degree, to the degree that i am recognized for my genius, lol. but nooooooo. : )   of course that is entirely not true.  it was just that one time it happened.  and if i hadn't frozen, i would have been able to speak my truth.

i still haven't e'mailed them about what i want from them for me to continue. and i think it is this, instead of shooting me down for not using the terms correctly, first actively listen to me and then suggest how i might rephrase things so they do fit the model. but i may be too much of a indigo (or higher) genius, so their prolly jealous. it may or may not work out for much longer, no problem either way.  lol  (laughing at myself)

are you sure you don't like the whore/madonna concept, cuz that really turns me on. : ) well, yes and no. i don't want to harm anyone either. what my limited experience has told me is that a certain toughening up is helpful to reduce wimpiness. and that a certain degree of submissiveness in the face of dominance is not weakness. and that practicing the shadow behavior of dominance is good for future uses of being effective. it's not the only way to achieve these lessons, but it sure looks like a fun and intense way, and the people that i‘ve met that do this are very compelling people. those people are ten hours away, tho. i have a few good stories about my mythic life when i visit them.  steel hooks!?!?!  8o (<–emoticon)

i had a death dream a long time ago. i was sentenced to death and hooked up to a machine that would spin a person around until, splat. and as i was hooked in, and the machine started turning, a voice in my head said, you know you are dreaming and that if you die in your dream you really do die. so for whatever reason i was really into it and i committed to dying in the dream. so eventually, splat, and my consciousness released for my body and expanded to the stars further and further, and the feeling that accompanied it was the mostly blissful peace i have ever felt in my life. i have a little fear of death, some if i'm in a situation that requires effective action to avoid it, but really i look forward to it.

regarding vampires, the confident (not overconfident) ones are definitely seductive. and i'm completely convinced that you are one. maybe it's the picture in your profile.

it's been wonderful indulging you and myself. yeah, i can visualize you as a queen bee (or beast) attracting many males. …and me a sovereign for both genders. no hurries, time will tell.

Re: Northern California

it's fine be me, if you move this last post, title it southern appalachia, and consider it my profile, which i'll update from time to time. 

Re: Northern California

not sure why i didn't figure out i could do that myself. it's prolly not mother shadowwork.  : )  run!!  run far far away!!!

Re: Northern California

Just so everyone who's reading knows…  I'm not ignoring you, jackii.  You're just keeping me jumping in my other pod so I can't keep up, and largely because of your infectious enthusiasm, I've started a whole new pod to manage!  Like I have enough time to do all this well!  LOL  It's not your fault!  You've just dipped into my own internal well of passion for this work and the flood has completely overrun me.  But it's all good!!  I'll just have to keep going forward and keep trying and keep forgiving myself for not doing this perfectly. 

Blessings to all and welcome all newcomers that I haven't yet greeted!

~Ww

Re: Northern California