Gaia: Transpersonal Dating - Lets talk about Gender... - Polyamory

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 09:14:19 GMT

this is the first dating site i've decided to become a member. i avoided all the other sites, because my perception of all the other sites is that they are all about two options. one is playuhs telling outright lies that sound good so they can 'score', and the other is people that tell half-truths who want to tie down a 'mate' for life.

this site appeared different to me, in that it is for people that want to use their connection as a launching pad for loving and evolving with the rest of humanity and the earth.

their is nothing but paradoxii : ) everywhere i turn. so i'll own up to the paradoxical gentle attraction to both scoring and tying down.

the feeling in my heart is definitely poly. which is very difficult in a world with so small a percentage of poly people. and my heart also whittles down my possibilities even more as i am a unisexual, and looking for other unisexuals (not gender-identified).

i have so developed and fused my masculine and feminine so deeply that i no long relate to men's and women's issues. i honor men's and women's issues as important steps for self-examination in order to develop and fuse masculine and feminine, which from my perspective is a powerful step of evolution.

luckily and/or cursedly, i'm very patient.

i'm reminded of alanis' song, 21 things i want in a lover, "i'm in no hurry, i could wait forever, i'm in no rush cause i like being solo, there are no worries and certainly no pressure, in the meantime i'll live like there's no tomorrow."

and the chorus of that song, "these are 21 things i want in a lover, not necessarily needs but qualities i prefer, i figure i can describe them, as i have a choice in the matter."

the paradox in this is that my body is craving sooooo many forms of intimate contact, after 3 or so years of searching for compatible people, without finding any, and not compromising.

welcome margie,

Re: Polyamory

http://giegieb.gaia.com — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 02:35:03 GMT

I just joined this pod so I hope this post is fitting, but here goes. My sister is poly. The interesting thing is that she became poly primarily to approach her relationships in a more feminist way. She considers polyamory one of the only ways to be feminist while in a relationships. I think the idea is that in polyamorous feminist relationship, one doesn't "own" your partner the way one does in a monogomous relationship- and owning another person objectifies them, thereby making the approach less feminist. So basically, the flexibility and independence along with the abundance of communication that tends to be present in polyamory allows a feminist to engage in relationships without being caught in the patriarchal traps set by monogomy (such as ownership, jealousy, power struggles, etc.) It's an interesting thought. I have had no personal experience with this approach to love, so I don't really know, but it is something to think about.

Re: Polyamory

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 19:48:14 GMT

Of course there are lots of demands on dating sites and people who are unaware of themselves and what they really want make long lists of what they think they want. The more aware ones make lists of what they think they need. Then the even more conscious ones try and embrace being human and having certain particular needs depending on who they are and where they are at in life, and a more liberal allowance of finding surprises that life offer in the way of other people/encounters. I don't think anyone can really know all of their needs, that would be superhuman and there would be nothing to discover on this level of life. But it's important to know many of the needs, to try and discover them - I think they are tools that help us define who we are and what we should go for in life. I tend to think in terms of paradoxes so I would try and embrace the knowing as well as the not knowing. There's a danger in escaping responsiblitly by being poly just as there are dangers in a monogamous relationship. There are just different paths depending on what you need to learn and uncover about yourself. Thus one can be open regarding the idea of polyamory but feel in one's heart wether it's really something that's ok for oneself. In my own life it reflects as an interest in the idea only, not in putting it into practice.

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:20:48 GMT

i like being a loner, too. i've had lots of wonderful adventures without committed partner(s).

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:11:13 GMT

i feel there is a balance that is beneficial, allowing others to fill needs and also looking within, both in monogamous and poly relationships. both sources (within and without) have potential to fulfill and/or unfill. and with other lessons of life being learned, i have realized that there is no difference between within and without. both are fused as One.

i like poly because it doesn't ask one person to be the one main source. it allows individuals to shine in their own expertise of sharing the energies that inspire.

there can still be challenging a person to expand their abilities, but it is not (in theory) demanding.

as in monogamy, there are many unattractive examples of poly.

Re: Polyamory

http://bluublox.gaia.com — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 14:10:36 GMT

It doesn't- that's the point...
It's the most anti-egotistical form of relationship...
...Helps break up lots of those attachments you have built up.

If you wanna be a loner, go ahead...

Re: Polyamory

http://shawnterrell.gaia.com — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 11:39:25 GMT

Just a quick note. I have never evgaged in poly, but I am recently separated form a 15 year marriage (6 months). I went on one of those dating sites and found it overwhelming. There seems to be this sense that we should find much of our happiness in someone else. It is almost like a demand that comes out in the "profiles" -- "must have these qualities" etc. I get this disconcerting sense that I am being asked to be responsible for someone elses happiness.

I understand there may be some projection going on here, but I also think we are cutlurally conditioned to seek happniess outside ourselves. I for one am engaged in an effort to to test that. I feel much happier outside the marriage, and am working on the loneliness through meditation which is beginning to help.

How does poly relate to this notion of demanding that others be the sourse of your happiness?

Re: Polyamory

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 12:37:46 GMT

I agree with Jack that monogamous people aren't necessarily judgmental about polyamory. I hope I don't strike you as being judgmental. I'm just interested in throwing ideas around, reflect myself in new mirrors, to better understand my own standpoint. I feel driven to have a really great monogamous relationship, a) because I want to go deeply into it and b) because I think I need a certain sense of security in a world that seems chaotic to me. I don't need extra stress in my life, I need less of it. Right now I don't see another way of reducing my stress level and I think a secure relationship would do me a world of good, a safe haven to heal from many wounds. I'm sure monogomanity has deep roots in many areas of life, religious as well as secular. Exploring new avenues however is just an expression of greater personal freedom and a need for self-examination, what could be wrong with that if it doesn't hurt other people?

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 00:32:04 GMT

so... do you want to be flogged or caned?

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 06:20:51 GMT

i don't think it's a religious belief system that people are trapped in. monogamy extends much farther than religion. it's a survival belief system. the belief system works in the scheme of propagation of the human species, even though it's a big lie.

gabriel, as a poly, i didn't find everything you wrote as inspiring. and i've talked with plenty of monogamists who aren't offended by polytalk. i think a black and white view of this issue is not helpful. but i could be wrong. : )

Re: Polyamory

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:28:45 GMT

Ok, I get a clearer picture of it now. I can see that communication is always a key. Right now I'm at a point where I don't know if anyone is compatible with me at all and what my real route in life is, and a lot of other stuff... so I guess these things are not really a topic for me. But interesting as a thought to mirror oneself with, to help things get clearer. Best to you. V-M

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 06:16:53 GMT

of course, the first rule of polyamory is that everyone involved, is on the same page. that's why i have a minimum four conversation rule for myself. the first conversation (at least three uninterrupted hours, preferable six hours) we discuss how we see it and what the ground rules are. the reason for the four conversation is more to filter out all but the very compatible. because even in polyamory, there is still a very, very small percentage of people that are compatible enough to be bonding sexually.

so in your scenario as it relates to a poly agreement that i would be in, all the parties involved would have gathered together to discuss. so if anyone would start getting jealous, then they would be held up against the agreements.

all the poly folks that i've talked to say that if you can't communicate in a marriage situation when emotions are involved, then poly is not going to be a good fit for you, because poly requires even more of this kind of communication.

Re: Polyamory

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 15:51:36 GMT

When I first heard this term I was thinking, gee, I could never handle more than one guy at a time, lol! Ok, jokes aside. I'm not sure the problem with monogamy is the monogamy itself. I would be more inclined to think that people have a problem with possessing each other because they are not trusting enough. This would in fact mean that they don't trust each other nor themselves. But let's stick to trust in the other part for now. If there's genuine trust, to me it seems that what it implies is a belief that the other part will act in a respectful and loving way towards you as much as is only humanly possible. Unfortunately, I have not encountered such trust in my life until just recently, when two men came into my life at the same time. I am trying my utmost to sort out this situation and I think that they both believe that I would never betray their trust. It's also clear to me that polyamory is not an option in this case, so there will have to be a choice. I'm playing with the idea of polyamory since it sounds like an easier way out (though it may not be). Though rarely a serious endeavour, the act of loving two people that you could consider as a partner at the same time seems feasable. To reach some kind of agreement that would satisfy all parties seems highly unlikely though. I think it's natural to have at least a slight sense of jealousy, I think it's part of being human. To be intimate with several people at the same time would seem to make the intimacy less powerful and bonding. Taken that the bonding part is not necessarily just a negative force equal to dependency or possessiveness, but as a friend said, a longing for togetherness and sharing. These random thoughts are just meant to provoke more discussion, nothing more, nothing less!

Re: Polyamory

http://bluublox.gaia.com — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 14:21:56 GMT

Yep-
I'm also polyamorous...

Re: Polyamory

http://jackii.gaia.com — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 17:35:20 GMT

i am poly, tho single at this point.

polyamory is such a big subject, that i'm hesitant to start a conversation. it is one of my passions tho, so let's do it.

my experience is that it is the most logical and compassionate way to deal with the reality of social dynamics.

it seems to me that each of us seeks the most compatible of people to bond with. we feel for the synergies that make us more than ourselves. when two or more people meet and there is a zing, a natural high and power of connection, then it is natural that we try to find a way to maintain that level of personal energy.

monogamy, which as i see it is The most solid religion of humankind, does work to a certain degree to maintain this connection between two. now tho, there is a critical mass of non-believers, after so many failed experiments monogamy is found to be inefficient for too many. monogamy breeds jealousy. polyamory, at least the version of polyamory that i am drawn to proactively deals (with open communication) with jealousy, and all the other 'sins' that keep us from the deeper levels of unconditional love.

i try to balance both the personal outlook and at the same time use that personal outlook to develop an effective bonding system. but not a static system, as social dynamics will continually throw in new pieces of the puzzle that will force adaptation and improvisation.

Re: Polyamory

http://WHITEWAVE.gaia.com — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:12:58 GMT

Yay, compersion!

Good on ya, Vani! Thanks for the thread.

I certainly hope there won't be a bunch of judgment on this. That wouldn't be consistent with the intent of the pod. I hope you find a healthy bunch of poly-people here to hang with. I think this is a good place to come out of closets, bedrooms, basements, garages or wherever you've be relegated to.

Blessings on all of you/us.

~Ww

Polyamory

http://vani.gaia.com — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 23:15:38 GMT

Just curious, are there any Poly folks in this pod? And what are your thoughts on Polyamory. I was relucant to bring such a heated and debated life style to this forum.

*********************************************************************************************
This is a copy and past from Wikipedia.

Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships.

The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, especially as a form of self-description, and is sometimes described as consensual and/or responsible non-monogamy. Polyamory is usually taken as a description of a lifestyle or relational choice and philosophy, rather than of individuals' actual relationship status at a given moment.

There is a certain fluidity in its definition, to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.

Polyamory is distinct from polygamy, being closer to a personal outlook than a predefined bonding system. It is grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of freewill, and the more novel idea of compersion, rather than in cultural or religious tradition.