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tonight, in my men's group, i wanted to look at why in a meeting earlier this week that i froze from expressing myself. i mean, why? these men were good friends, and were just trying to help me focus on integral theory. why couldn't i remain connected in conversation?
so i started in on the event, they challenged me to speak with wilber definitions, and sure my definitions (due to my hermetic life) are almost all with a unique twist that i put in to cover the reality of my many unique experiences and viewpoints that evolved. but instead of engaging i sat back and judged that they wouldn't be able to handle all the nuances of my language.
so the facillitator had me repeat the body language of my retreat in the convo. i stood with my balance leaning backward and used that angle so i could position my head so that, to me, i was looking down at them.
so the facillitator had another man stand in to re-enact that stance and vibration, and asked me, where in your life have you seen this done to you? and i flashed on event in elementary school (parochial). a teacher there that didn't know me at all, had caught me in the bathroom, i was pissing in the urinals, but i was playing with it by moving urinal to urinal producing a little splash in each one. no, i don't know why i was doing that, lol. but he caught me. and told me to come to his class after school.
i showed up, and his punishment for me was supposed to be equal to the famous paddle that another teacher used. his punishment was that he used the focused blow from a knuckle smacked into the center of my backbone. the moment he did this there was no pain, only fear, and then after a sigh of relief, as i felt i got away without a punishment.
this isn't the core piece of my work, because i remember being five years old and totally freezing when our family moved and a new neighborhood boy my exact age, friendly came over to say hi and welcome. so i'd always overlooked this elementary school punishment as a key event, since there was no pain involved. but tonight i realized that event is a significant layer to my issue, because the subtle damage he did to my spine very likely limited my ability to heal the underlying issue.
anyway, i just awoke from my first REM sleep sequence, and my spine was much more active, pulsing life and pain. and i think that besides further shadowwork in group (and by myself), that i'll be going to a chiropractor to see if i can do a better job at a relatively permanent fix with a conscious knowledge of this event.
sometime in midway thru high school, i started developing digestive problems. and because of my distrust of the medical establishment, i never had them look at it (except one chiropractor). finally when i was 45, when i finally had a job that had medical benefits, i had a physical with blood tests that diagnosed a something that they had an antibiotic treatment for. before the treatment, i would have to belch probably on average two hours a day and if i didn't a pain in my stomach would escalate, and if i did belch, the pain would be a tolerable dull ache. after the treatment, the pain was 98% contained, tho i still had to burp about a half hour a day. further investigation revealed that part of that problem was an ulcer.
i still have digestive problems, tho i have seen a slow steady decrease of need to burp and fart, which i attribute to my diet, which i have a plan of attack to develop, once i've moved out of the folks 'lower level' and back on my own.
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