The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

I’m going through some heartbreak of the romantic sort. The mind says: will you love again? who will love you? are you broken? The heart feels the intermittent spasm that is the pain of contraction. The body readjusts its boundaries to be without the shape of the man who shared his sleeping and walking and loving and being.

How have you coped with heartbreak? What do you believe about romantic love? What shape is your heart in? How does it feel to you now, in this moment?

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Hi Kate,

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

[Oh dear. Let me try that again]

Hi Kate,

I've just spent the past few minutes typing out my own most recent expierience of heart break, and what led to that moment.

But I deleted it, because what happend affected more than just me, and I think it's unfair to detail everything that happened in that past. Especially considering where this post is heading - which is that heartbreak was and still is in the past, and that finally, the waves and ripples that it caused have subsided.

And besides, I think most of us can identify with that type of pain.

How did I cope? Time helped, and distance. Being away from that person gave me the space I needed to explore my pain, and to heal. And eventually to begin to repair that relationship.

There was one moment in particular when I realised that I was still carrying the pain around with me, possessing it. Letting the past define my actions in the present.

A couple of months after our long goodbye, I saw this person again, convinced that I could behave in  a completely adult manner, charming friendly…later I lay on my bed going over and over the afternoon, wondering why the mood had been so tense, I began convinced that she hated me, her behavior proved that right? Eventually I realised that she had simply been reacting to my behavior and the tension, I'd been carrying. When I realised this I think I laughed, shook my head at my own stupidity. Wondered how I could make things better…

We were meeting again that evening (I received a particular biting invitation, the subtext of which I read as don't come, or at least, don't come if your going to behave like a ….well you can fill in the gaps) I made the choice to say yes, yes to having a good time and yes to smiling.

I guess the point of this is that it does get better, and that what we think affects how we feel and what we do. I knew that already, in my head, but realising it was something completely different.

I  tried to behave like a friend should, and in a little while I began to feel the way I was behaving.

The other thing I learnt? Love has different flavours, and that love and desire, and the desire to possess are more strongly linked than I realised. I suppose the trick is learning how to love without holding….

Sorry for the length of the post….I could write a book on this…I'm sure we all could.

Best

G

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Kate,

I am sorry to hear that your heart is breaking at the moment. I am sending you much love.

We seem to be going through the same experience at the moment. A few days ago, I parted ways with the one that I have been loving for the past 6 months. It is an incredibly difficult experience but when my mind is still, I know that I have made the right decision. I have been on a spiritual journey all my life but only recently experienced such tremendous growth. My ex has been a catalyst for that growth and for that I will be eternally grateful to him. I believe that each person that comes into our lives, however long/short, is meant to teach us something. I know that I have learned so much from my ex. But I also realise that I have always had this knowledge or being. He just fanned the fire for me to I could see more clearly what was already there. 

To answer some of your questions:

will you love again? - ABSOLUTELY. I have no doubt that there is an infinite amount of love and that you will find someone who will reflect your soul again and you will have this kind of love again. 

What shape is my heart in? I have felt pretty bruised lately but I know that I have the ability to change that. It helps to focus on the present and be grateful for things you have in your life. 

How have you coped with heartbreak? - Dealing with heartbreak is one of the most difficult things in life. I am trying to focus on the present moment. I have very fond memories of my relationship and am in no means trying to brush those aside. But I am here NOW and that is what matters. Some books that have helped me: “When Things Fall Apart” (Pema Chodron), “Embracing Uncertainty” (Susan Jeffers), “The Power of NOW” (Eckhart Tolle)

Having said all that, I think it's important to be gentle with yourself. Each relationship that comes into your life takes you one step closer to what you deserve in life.  

Much love and peace to you,

Wendy 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Thank you for inviting me to your group again.

Have i ever loved and lost?Oh indeed yes. And how the heart hurts. If it is ugly then it is this person said, that person said regardless of whether it is a lover or a friend. That really hurts. Both feel wronged. Sometimes with lovers, a friendship can come out of it…a beautiful friendship.

I remember once when I had to leave a woman I loved,never mind why, I would see a vehicle that looked like hers I would always look. I would go places we used to go. I would call just to hear her voice and hang up. I was in therapy at the time and told my therapist I thought I was obsessed and told her why. She just looked at me after my confession and told me what I am going through is all perfectly normal. I have had girlfriends since then but find my heart still wanders back to her from time to time.
Heart broken!!!

So it takes time. Time to grieve. Time to heal. And sometimes we are left with “love marks”.

I am left to feel now all these times our heart is broken, if we can go through it, leaves us wiser and more able to love.

But it hurts. It hurts.

What an interesting subject!!!!

I read a lot about what to do when that sort of bombshell drops in our life. It seems the self-help people (damn them all-lol) says what we can do is get busy. Have our other friend…our other hobbies…or create new things to do.

Rumi says,”One lover leaves us, twenty more will come” and as much as I love Rumi he was just so ecstatically in love with the Beloved that I sometimes wonder if his feet just completely left the ground. Yes twenty more may come. But it hurts like hell RIGHT NOW.

There is a story in Islam where on judgement day a man is standing before Allah. God looks down at the man and is startled. And you know it takes a lot to startle God. God then asks the man, “What did you do with your life?” The man says oh nothing much.
Then God says, “But did you ever love?” the man says no. God said “That explains it.”, for God was holding a blank piece of paper.

Ours will at least not be blank.

They say reading poetry helps. I've got a Teahouse where there is poetry and then there is a Rumi poetry place. The heart broken lovers frequent both those places.

Much love to you Kate. And a cyber embrace. And thanks for helping me by my telling my story.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

The way you know your heart is working is that it hurts to break up.  Your heart isn't broken at all – it is working perfectly.

So Kate… What happened?  Did you leave him?  Did he leave you? What did you say?  What did he say?

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Kate, I'm so sorry to hear this.  I know that this relationship has been tumultuous.  When I think back on when I met my husband 20 years ago and we started dating, I realize now in hindsight that it wasn't tumultuous, unlike the preceding several relationships I'd had.  It wasn't always easy - he was in the navy and was frequently gone for six-month stretches, but I don't remember ever wavering in my assurance that I would be there when he returned.  Nor do I remember any push-pull behavior indicating wavering from him.  It was just steady and sure.

In contrast, I recently had end a two-year friendship with a man I met online and with whom I quickly became very tangled up with in a confusing way.  I told him all of my secrets, confided everything, leaned on him emotionally (while pulling emotionally away from my husband, yes).   And our relationship was always drama-filled.  Tumultuous.  He did the push-pull thing, which only served to make “need” him all the more.  When he abruptly ended things six months ago I was heartbroken.   I cannot convey how much grief and hurt I felt but I think perhaps I don't have to.  I know what it feels like to walk around like a zombie, crying at the sight of a car like his, at overhearing a phrase that he used, etc.  

I wish I could say that it just “gets better,” but I found myself last night - after six months! -  tossing and turning, angry and hurt and bewildered as if it was all fresh.  I don't know when (or if) I'll ever stop hurting, and that's in spite of the fact that my marriage is back on track and my life is, on the surface, perfect. 

Some people just get under our skin and hit us hard in our most vulnerable places. 

But, Kate, I'm starting to see that it's perhaps not supposed to be that hard and drama-filled.  I remember feeling so happy when I was first dating my husband because there was no drama.  He did what he said he'd do, never made me worry.  Even though he was overseas at sailors' ports half the time we we re dating, I never once worried that he'd be unfaithful, not once.  I have never in 20 years wondered if he was lying to me.  I think that I had a midlife crisis and wanted some drama, some tumult.  I don't know.  But I'm thinking that maybe I learned that love isn't where I want my drama.

I'm rambling, but I'm really sorry that you're hurting, and that you've been hurting for a long time, no?  Even when you were happy you were hurting a lot.  Maybe it's not “supposed” to be that way??  Something to think about… 

Hugs to you, dear.  Email anytime.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Say YES to your broken heart.  Say YES to your broken heart home.  Say YES!  There is a secret medicine for those who hurt so hard they can't hope.  Say….YES!  It is all the LIFE of the Spirit!

YES, YES, YES! 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Ah Kate,still reading those books about men and love?

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

… you guys are just gorgeous :) … so grateful to hear your about your hearts … helps mine feel easier …

Wendy … i so know that feeling of gratefullness for them, even as they are gone … getting that we learned something profound in the process of loving them … and thank you for the reminder to be in the Now … yes :)

Gareth … oh yeah - it’s so tempting to try and explain it all, so that people will understand, but that sacred trust of not revealing the secrets of another, even after they are gone, is so important … it’s such an odd thing - I actually feel the secrets of my exes still inside of me, like jewels, precious bits of proof of love that I guard against the dogs of my small self …

Herbie … thank you again for the poem … beautiful … I agree with you: I believe that once we love someone we love them forever, that the heart never really closes again to them … tricky thing, a heart …

Martin … oy, I can’t even go there … if I do tell any stories of that sort it’ll be on my blog … :)

Diana … girl, I so so so agree with you … drama-free is where its at … and you know what I went through last year, and how incredibly without drama it was, and ultimately Why it was without drama :) But the CM? I have just loved him, and he has just loved me. He was here last night so that we could talk out a calmer ending, and it was so sad and so upsetting and so good and so bittersweet. We just do not speak the same language and it just creates too many misunderstandings. But I also know that letting him go means that I open myself up to allowing another to come, and I know that I won’t settle for someone less than a man who I feel safe and heard and taken care of with … i loved your story of you and your husband … that is what I am waiting for … that Knowing … yeah …

CraniOcean … you are chanting my favorite word! Yes! yes! Yes! :)

Marc … I’m not sure I understand … :)

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

… I'm just laying in the sun, drinking a corona with lime, and reading books on love and men and having a really, really good time … :) kate    :)

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

During my last couple romantic relationships I learned so much about myself.  In the first, I had my heart completely crushed only a week after my father died and as awful as it seemed at the time, it turned into such a gift because in the breaking, there was a pause and a reaching down, looking at, and getting to know many beautiful pieces of myself before putting them all back into place.  It was an amazing process - but was, at moments, a little horrific because of the dual pain of loosing my father and a love.

 The next relationship I had lasted only 7 months and, again, I learned so much in the relationship that I never have felt a great loss, just that it was a gift on so many levels.

I do believe people come into your life for a reason.  Some are only there for a short time.  In my last relationship, in the very beginning, the man I was dating said to me regarding a discussion we were having about a type of loss, “nothing is ever taken away from you unless there is something better coming.”  I believe he was an amazing man and I also believe that there is an even more amazing one in my future, if one is to come… though, I'm not really sure at all that I want to be in a relationship at this time.  I'm quite happy with things as they are at the moment.

My hope for you is that through the heart stuff you are able to see the gifts being offered… we never learn anything when it is easy (unfortunately)… it is only through the great challenges that the greatest gifts are given.

Metta 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

My last romantic relationship took so long to end it felt as if my heart was just being worn down.  I am tired from it and I am doing things to strengthen my heart.  Yoga, acupuncture, massage.  I have also thought that I need to give blood … give that which you wish to receive.. 

For a long time when I kept trying to say the words “I have to leave” there was a palbable lump in my throat.   When I met this man I was sure he was the one…. there was so much that connected us.  Years before I met him he was just starting out as a potter and  had answered an ad in the local paper and bought all of my mom's pottery things … her wheel (that I learned to throw on in her lap as a child), her tools, her books,  her ceramic monthly magazines( with notes to me reminding me to feed the chickens or weed the garden…)   He actually has turned out to be the one… the one that I learned how to leave. The one that taught me how to stand up for myself.  My heart is broken and will never be the same .. but I have a very strong sense that it is going to be better! 

The cure for anything is salt water –sweat, tears or the sea. ~ Isaak Dinesen

YES to romantic love !

Love, Alison

You can't escape it...

YES to all LOVE!  IS there any such thing as a kind of love?  Like ice-cream? MMMM.  What would be the love equvalent of Rocky-Road? 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Oh girl, I wonder if there's a single one of us who has never had at least one broken heart. It seems the heart is like the liver of Prometheus - it regenerates only to be broken again…

There are many sorts of emotional pain, and in my experience it's often avoiding the pain that makes it unbearable. When I actually stop trying to block it and instead surrender to it, my body is flooded with an extremely intense sensation which - if I dare examine it at all closely - are suspiciously akin to endorphins!!!

Heartbreak is the juiciest pain I know for the practice of tonglen: It's so tangible and immediate. I am hurting so badly, and there's nothing that will make it stop right now, so let me carry ALL the pain of the broken hearts being suffered by ALL beings in all dimensions of the universe now. And let all those suffering beings, whose pain I willingly take on, feel all the peace and joy for which I have been longing… I take on all the despair and the ache, I give away all my hopes of joy and fulfilment. Again and again. Gradually the pain subsides, even if it is only because I'm too exhausted to feel it. But having let go of my desire for fulfilment, I have released something else as well…

Kate, you are a beautiful, intelligent, magical and captivating woman - it's going to be a challenge to find a man enough to deserve you. Snuggle up warm with your pussies and be kind to yourself. You're not alone and we love you

Helen 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Darling Kate,

Heartbreak is never fun, but it's a misnomer.  Your heart is not breaking or broken… it's going through growing pains. 

How have you coped with heartbreak?
I've given myself time to heal.  I've been very, very nurturing of myself.  I've treated myself like I would treat a 6 year old with a skinned knee.  I've allowed myself to cry.  I've treated myself to nice meals, massages, and new clothes.  I've clung to friends who nourish my spirit and uplift my heart, and I've thrown myself into activities that I know give me pleasure. 

What do you believe about romantic love?
I believe that it's wonderful and worthwhile and even when it kicks you in the gut sometimes, it's worth it.

What shape is your heart in? How does it feel to you now, in this moment?
Right now my heart isa round green glowing ball.  It is full and in love and glowing.  It's also a little scared of any growing pains, but is enjoying this feeling of love.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

I'll go. 

How have you coped with heartbreak?

A about a year and a half ago, I fell in love. I'd had prior long-term, satisfying relationships, but nothing like this – this was love at first sight for both of us, the sort of insane, over-the-top, gasping amazement in which both of you wonder how it is the other person even /exists/ in the world.

I met him at a time when I had only just begun to discover who I was. I'd spent the past few years mired in a cesspool of addiction, and battling an eating disorder that had almost killed me, and finding someone who was so willing to support me in my project of learning to love myself was wonderful. He was gentle and understanding and patient and encouraging, and I felt so unbelievably blessed. He didn't mind that I wasn't working; that merely making it through the day was an accomplishment; that my contant need for 12-step meetings and lingering skittishness about food made spending time together difficult. He cooked for me, and talked to me, and occupied all my free time, just as I occupied his. We shared the same philosophies and similarly unconventional pasts and neither one of us could believe our good forture. Two weeks after we met we both laughed at the fact that we'd independently confessed to our respective families that we'd met the person we were going to spend the rest of our lives with. I'd never wanted to get married, and hadn't even been looking for a relationship. What we had seemed merely inevitable.

Two months later, out of the blue, he broke up with me.

He was concerned about my recovery. From my point of view, I was doing fine: he hadn't known me at my sickest. Like any recovery process, mine involved better and worse weeks, and part of my process involved a certain degree of patience and acceptance with the low points. He told me that he loved me too much to watch me destroy myself and that he was worried that his unconditional supportiveness was just going to end up supporting me back down the path I'd just ascended. He didn't want to enable me and all my protests about faith in the process could have just as easily been used to justify exactly that. He couldn't see me anymore; he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he'd contributed to keeping me sick. It was over.

I was beyond devastated. It was impossible for me then to describe the pain I felt; I certainly can't do it justice now. I oscillated between crying myself raw and feeling unable to breathe; worst of all was my worry that maybe I was in denial about my recovery. This was the man I trusted most in the world: what if he was right? What if I were still lying to myself?

Strangely enough, it was this fragility that allowed me to make peace with the relationship. I had too much at stake. What we had was over, but *I* was still here, and that, for me, was saying something. I turned my attention to myself – I HAD to believe I was okay, and I had to believe I was not going to slip back into my prior life of self-hating addiction.

And so I reminded myself that I'd entered into the relationship voluntarily, knowing full well that the nakedness and vulnerability I felt opened me to getting hurt. I took responsibility for my pain; indeed, I relished the fact that I could *experience* it in all its biting rawness, instead of trying to drown it with drinking or other forms of narcotic escapism. I also realized that the experience of feeling loved was, like the pain, similarly mine: the bliss and acceptance and glowing happiness I'd felt with him were emotions that *I'd* generated, and if I'd been able to discover them in the relationship, I could certainly bring them about on my own. I redoubled my efforts at self-valuation.

(I have to mention, too, that I was utterly convinced I'd never see this man again. I was planning on leaving the area; he too was only stopping through. We didn't have shared social circles and were both transplants to the city. Still, though I'd given up on seeing him again, I felt no need to banish him from my heart - I loved him so totally that whether or not he was with me or not seemed beside the point. I wished him well regardless.)

And so I got better. I was grateful for having experienced such a powerful, consuming love, and grateful for learning how to get in touch with that in myself, and grateful for learning how intense love could be. I was grateful knowing that someone like my former lover lived in the world, and grateful, too, for learning how to see myself through the compassionate, loving eyes with which he'd regarded me.

That breakup was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It taught me indepedence, and self-worth, and taught me how to have faith and to trust in myself. I'd say something, too, about how it finessed my recovery; I'm now truly better, now truly healed, now *recovered* whereas once I felt I'd always be somewhere on the path. The relationship was amazing, but what was more amazing was finding out that the emotions I discovered within it were *mine.*

So in short, I coped by owning the pain. Again, I recognized that it was my choice to make myself so vulnerable, that I knew the risk I was taking, and that the heartache I was experiencing was something *I* was responsible for. There's something beautiful in this realization: the depth of the pain mirrors the intensity of the love, and it's heartbreaking in itself to feel how deep the latter can be.


What do you believe about romantic love?
I believe in love at first sight. I believe that, with the right attitude, it can be an incredible, powerful, tool for growth and an incredible resource of strength and renewal.

What shape is your heart in?
My heart is completely broken and completely full. It's hard to explain. No longer being afraid of being hurt allows you to love so much more deeply; it's a sweet paradox.

How does it feel to you now, in this moment?
Full. Happy. Content. Naked.

In the interests of full disclosure, though, I should say that this story has an ending. He and I are now engaged. I don't want to write too much about this, because it's not as relevant to what you're going through, but committing to him feels so much more right because I'm not afraid of losing him. I know both of us are capable of thriving on our own.
But this is all a disgression … if you've read this, thanks for indulging me; if it helps at all, I'm glad. And I do so hope that you get as much from your breakup as I did mine. Be proud of all you're able to feel, though. You've got an amazing heart.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

From far, far (too far for my wishes) away I observed Siona's experience with breakup, through her public descriptions and through private communications. Knowing a little about her physical and mental conditions (a little, mind you), what amazed me what how, though she was hurt, and hurt bad, and in an almost inhuman way, she still had the inner strength to continue on her road to recovery. Indeed, it was clear that she was no longer on the road to recovery, but was, herself, recovery incarnate. It was one of the most noble and spectacular expressions of the human spirit I have ever witnessed, and, indeed, has been an inspiration to me ever since. No matter how rough the seas get, determination, and knowing, loving, and respecting yourself is an anchor that cannot be dislodged. To know, “this is just a breakup, not a mortal wound” is a most comforting thought. You've been in the sun, you know it will shine again and you know how it will feel. Just knowing that makes a break in the clouds.

I might add that mine was amongst the many who raked Siona's mate over the coals. I'm sure I called him a worthless, heartless scoundrel, or words to that affect. Turns out he was just confused, and I had him all wrong. As much as I hate being wrong, I'm glad I was this time. 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Wow, that's a mighty big topic with a lot of good, thoughtful responses so far. Here's some of what I think to throw in the mix…

 How have you coped with heartbreak?

Hmmm, not very well in the past. Of course, the last time I was going through heartbreak I was also losing my home and (briefly) living on the streets. This made it a rather depressing time, but at least when one thing got too depressing I could focus on a different problem as a distraction.

I think perhaps the most important thing in dealing with heartbreak, for me, is to move into the feeling and let it move through me. It hurts a lot more than trying to repress or hold on, but it will process more quickly and more completely. It's like poison ivy: if you immerse the itchy part in hot water, the itching will get much more intense, but it will also work out of your system more quickly.

 What do you believe about romantic love?

I love it. Romantic love is the ultimate embodied expression of the oneness of all being, as experienced through all levels and cells of two (or more) finite bodyminds.

What shape is your heart in? How does it feel to you now, in this moment?

Right now: strong, compassionate, beating vigorously, like love is not only something that finds you, but an action the heart can take in any circumstance.

 Strangely, I always seem to find love soon after I give up on ever finding it, almost as if the holding onto the desire for love blocks the new roads that a new love must take.

My heart and best wishes go out to you as you go through this. May you find the love that your warm, open heart deserves. 

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

I am glad this thread has reopened. I have been wanting to write. Wanting to return in kind some of the balm that I find in Kate’s words, to thank her for the sustenance of the deep and beautiful honesty of her words.  To thank you for asking what the shape of our hearts is.  And I have wanted to respond to Siona’s amazingly strong story.. and was glad to return and read it now, when I have cradle a fresh wound … the time is ripe.

how have you coped with heartbreak?

My heart was broken deeply open recently. Open enough that it felt like the capricious strike of a Dakini, with the call to wake up .. now! Open enough that I was able to look back at myself, deeply… to look at my patterns, to learn about myself.

How have I been coping? By breathing and walking, by writing, by lying in the sun, by cycling and doing yoga, by reading, by recognising the strange and wonderful ways that my friends nurture me and yes, by giving up, by returning again and again to surrender to the gift of it.…   I have been coping by shifting my perspective; by really remembering what and where my power genuinely is: in my path, in my centredness in myself… and returning there.  By giving thanks.

What do you believe about romantic love?

I believe in it. I believe in love enough to have chosen to wait, enough to have left a decent-enough relationship to wait until the real thing came along.  I believe in it enough not to go looking for it.  I believe in it enough to prepare myself, to ripen up, for it.

What shape is your heart in?

I think its good. Not all the time: when the cup tilts to half empty and the cycles of self doubt and aloneness move in. Times when I forget my Self and have to be reminded to forget my self!  But all in all, in the great round, I think it is all good.

When I asked myself what is the shape of my heart ? I remembered a dream I had the other night:

I found a small kitten caught in a wire fence and helped it out.  There were other very large cats, strays in makeshift homes along the river nearby.  It had a collar saying that it had been won in a competition and I wondered if it had been dumped or had run away. .  I carried the small cat on my chest worried that it might piss on me.We went into a market and I found a perfect little basket to carry it in.  Then I realised that I didn’t really know what it looked like, looking down it was perfect: pure white with luminous green eyes, looking out in amazement, taking the world in.

I think this is the shape of my heart.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

how have you coped with heartbreak?

I have had many experiences where i have known the relationships were not going to work and having to break up with the people, having learnt hard lessons from them. A few years ago, i broke up with a man that i still love dearly, although the love i feel now, is a purer love because it is filled with gratitude for what he taught me. at the time, i thought i would never love again, my world was turned upside down. since then, i have read, learnt and grown some more - thankfully ~~

What do you believe about romantic love?

i believe its an illusion - it swallows us up, teaches us what we are JUST DYING to know and then spits us out. its all beautiful.
i had a falling in love stint a few months ago, only to be dumped two weeks later and i immediately saw why: i was willing to compromise on something that would not have been true to myself. so he did me a favour - with this one, i wasn't heart broken because i could (Halleluljah) see that he helped me. ~angel~

What shape is your heart in?
it is whole, it is beautiful and it is filling with more love and gratitude everyday!

:))

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

How have you coped with heartbreak?

Cried really hard, wrote many journal entries, made an alter of sorts to honor what was no longer…..gave it a space in my heart to be imperfect and perfect both at the same time.

What do you believe about romantic love?

I believe romance, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  To me romance is in the small things, the details of every day living.  Thoughtfulness is super romantic to me.  It is very much alive in my house. 

What shape is your heart in?

Very toned and well used.  My heart is very much MINE, and yet also, like a museum in which people can wander freely learning much about me without disrupting a thing.  I am very open and give of myself freely, but I also feel very loved so maybe that is why?

How does it feel to you now, in this moment?

My heart feels big and growing.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Just noticed this today… hence my ‘months later’. I am sorry for what you are going through and am experiencing a separation of my own at this moment.

How have you coped with heartbreak?
Heartbreak like many other possibly painful things is about learning. I have learned to examine the heartbreak in order to grow from it.

What do you believe about romantic love?
I believe romatic love is that period of time when the relationship is new. The period of time when you cannot stand to be apart.. I am awaiting that relationship where it lasts for far beyond the newness.

What shape is your heart in?
An arrow. Looking forward to new and wonderful experiences.

How does it feel to you now, in this moment?
Hopeful. Sometimes we must move on to ensure growth.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

How have you coped with heartbreak?

I cope with heartbreak everyday. The woman of my dreams is like a beautiful lioness…best enjoyed and admired at a distance.

In 1972 Dan Fogelberg summed it up best for me:

The woman is like the tide, she comes and goes

She breaks my heart each day and never knows.

And the time I spend in sorrow will match the time she laughs

And the songs I sing cannot explain even half.

The woman is like an ivy on a pole

She wraps her twisted love around my soul

And the time I spend in sorrow will match the time I live

And the time that's left is all I have to give.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Here is my sad song on love's oppressions:

PETE TOWNSHEND THERE'S A HEARTACHE FOLLOWING ME LYRICS

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

A positive spin on heartbreak - when my heart is broken open, I become more compassionate toward others. I shed my complacency and arrogance and am vulnerable, living the questions. I am open to newness - a new spiritual and emotional direction, a new person in my life at the right time, a new understanding of who I am and a chance to deepen my relationship with myself and with God, which I can so easily involve in the frenzy of being in love with another.

Last night I lived a small but emotionally significant disappointment. I had been looking forward, more than I had realized, for a week to talking once again (albeit on the phone) to a friend I met for the first time in July and haven't seen since. The number I had was no good and none of the attempts I made to get a correct number succeeded. I crawled home, crawled into bed, and curled up in my ball of pain. However, I was not needy as I usually am at these times. I did not demand that my partner, who was not feeling well, comfort me. I just allowed the pain to be there, and fell asleep, and when I awoke, was calm and not in pain.

So some progress is being made, glory be.

The shape of my heart is a song, ever-changing in colour, form and light.

Namaste,

Nicole

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Hi Kate,

You will always love, what is the alternative?
Our hearts are always just as they should be, pain and all - nothing is broken.
You can never lose what you never owned - so what is loss?
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

As for romance, it spoils as soon as we try to make it last forever.

We all are with you, each in our own special way. To know this is to never be alone. Take care my friend, time will take it’s course as always.

Jim

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Quoted from a Good Friday Homily from The Vatican



“Our civilization, dominated by technology, has need of a heart-
if man is to be able to survive without dehumanizing everything.

We must give more space to the reasons of the heart…, if we wish to avoid,
while physically overheating our planet..,
falling back into a spiritual ice age.

The technical has been well heard.
We have many things which fasciliatate the development,
and measurement of the capicities for intellegence.

But no similar effective scientific developments,
or measurements for the capacity to love.

This seems to count for nothing.

Whilst we know that happiness or unhappiness
does not depend on
understanding,
or not understanding.

As much as
to love or not to love.
To be loved or not to be loved.

The motive of all this is simple.
We are made in the image of God,
& God is love.

It's not difficult to understand why we are so anxious to grow in our understanding,
and so little concern to grow in our capicity to love.

Understanding translates itself automatically
into
enabling.

Love..
into
service.

One of the modern idolitries
is the idolitry of the IQ.

Of the
'Intellegence Quotient.”

There are numerous methods put in place for measuring this.

But
who is concerned with measuring the quotient of the heart?

Yet,
it is only Love that redeems & saves.

While science & understanding ALONE
are able to carry us to damnation.

All the books in the world
do not deserve
a caress.

First, above all.., St Paul wrote:
“Knowledge Inflates. Love Builds Up. ”

Finally
an opening for humanity..

The Era..
of the Heart. ”



-P.Raniero Cantalamessa OFM


Kate.., =)
Hi..
I don't know if this is the right place to post this.., but I just think this is really cool.

Peace stuf..,
-Nancy

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Hi Kate. After heartbreak, I used to contract until the first tremors of awakening, often years later. Now, i try to go deep into the wound, honest and true, until it is done with me. Repressed emotions are unactualized spiritual lessons. If I don't feel it, I can't learn the lesson waiting on the other side.

I have a chapter about a profound soul connection I experienced- an uncommon bond- in a book just published called soulshaping (.com). It is about my warrior souls efforts to surrender. I think it might resonate for you. I might post some free excerpts on  Zaadz when I learn how to work with the system.

How are you doing? Hows your heart?

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

Hi, Kate.  So sorry to hear of your loss.  I've had a recent loss, too.  Though not romantic, it cut me to the quick.  I've dealt with it a number of ways.  I've made space for my constantly changing emotions and given myself leeway to experience them as they arise.  I went on a trip to reset and take time away from my regular life to grieve.  I fasted.  On New Year's Eve, I did a ritual burning of the tangible things associated with the experience.  But, time, patience, lots of love from friends and family, and strengthening my yoga and meditation practices were what helped me the most.  

As far as the shape of my heart, I find it to be more resiliant than I thought.  So, while not knowing the exact topography of it, I do know that it is not in tatters or bruised to the point of liquefication.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

This thread I still love to visit. Such beauty here. And firefly… I hope you’re well.