Re: The Heart as a Cipher, and a Map

[Oh dear. Let me try that again]

Hi Kate,

I've just spent the past few minutes typing out my own most recent expierience of heart break, and what led to that moment.

But I deleted it, because what happend affected more than just me, and I think it's unfair to detail everything that happened in that past. Especially considering where this post is heading - which is that heartbreak was and still is in the past, and that finally, the waves and ripples that it caused have subsided.

And besides, I think most of us can identify with that type of pain.

How did I cope? Time helped, and distance. Being away from that person gave me the space I needed to explore my pain, and to heal. And eventually to begin to repair that relationship.

There was one moment in particular when I realised that I was still carrying the pain around with me, possessing it. Letting the past define my actions in the present.

A couple of months after our long goodbye, I saw this person again, convinced that I could behave in  a completely adult manner, charming friendly…later I lay on my bed going over and over the afternoon, wondering why the mood had been so tense, I began convinced that she hated me, her behavior proved that right? Eventually I realised that she had simply been reacting to my behavior and the tension, I'd been carrying. When I realised this I think I laughed, shook my head at my own stupidity. Wondered how I could make things better…

We were meeting again that evening (I received a particular biting invitation, the subtext of which I read as don't come, or at least, don't come if your going to behave like a ….well you can fill in the gaps) I made the choice to say yes, yes to having a good time and yes to smiling.

I guess the point of this is that it does get better, and that what we think affects how we feel and what we do. I knew that already, in my head, but realising it was something completely different.

I  tried to behave like a friend should, and in a little while I began to feel the way I was behaving.

The other thing I learnt? Love has different flavours, and that love and desire, and the desire to possess are more strongly linked than I realised. I suppose the trick is learning how to love without holding….

Sorry for the length of the post….I could write a book on this…I'm sure we all could.

Best

G