Just whining...

This last year has held a lot of changes in my life for me. I got out of a miserable dead end relationship, re-connected with a friend from my youth who I then married in October, went vegan this spring cold-turkey (heh heh, per se….) after never having considered it before, and lost a pregnancy. I developed several vitamin deficiencies because throughout some of the morning sickness and eventual depression over the lost baby I stopped eating regularly for a large period of time. So now I am B12 and omega-3 deficient. Basically everything hurts all the time and I am tired and have headaches, and because of the loss of natural oils my eyes are always dry and in pain. Bleh. I know I need to eat better and take multi vitamins regularly, but I'm a wuss when it comes to taking pills so I've been skipping… as soon as I get around to the vitamin store I'm going to start taking flax seed oil and protein shakes with vitamins daily, so hopefully I'll be able to get out of the bad health portion of my stuckness.

The real reason I feel stuck right now doesn't have anything to do with my health, except that not feeling well or motivated has a big impact on how much change I make in my life to get myself unstuck.

The problem is that I want to have a great future with my husband, but he isn't going to be the one to get me there, I am. And I have all of these dreams of having kids and raising them well on vegan and organic food (but how can I take care of kids that way when I can't even take care of myself), living somewhere in a house outside of the city that is peaceful to me (but I'm 21 and my credit is already shot…), and either having a job with a lot of flexibility or having my husband have a good enough job that I could stay home often with my children (but my husband isn't looking to get a degree and he still is unsure of what he wants to do with himself, so I'm going to have to get myself there). Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He's fantastic and I am so glad that we found each other, but I think he and I just have different ways of reaching our goals.

I hate my job right now. I'm in accounting, which is not what I ever wanted to do, but it pays well enough for now. However I'm getting carpal tunnel sydrome and back problem from sitting and typing all day. Ideally I would like to go to culinary arts school, become a chef, pay my way through some small business classes and evetually open up a vegetarian restaurant. But everything seems so far away right now, and so expensive and so unsure. And I'm concerned that if I get into the chef thing I'll be too stressed by such a demanding job that I'll feel worse than I do now and in the event that I do become pregnant again before I am in the position to have a child I'm afraid that I'll end up having to be the one working to support our family while my husband stays home, which isn't what I want. And what if I'm never able to open my own business, as many people who dream of doing so aren't, and am stuck as some line cook for the rest of my life?

I'm considering trying to find a safer career path that will be more certain and will be able to provide for a future family better, but I don't even know where to start as there are not many things that I am passionate about. And I'm nervous about leaving the job I'm at now to waitress and put myself through school, even though I hate it here.

I guess I would just really like to hear the advice or encouragement of someone who has been through this kind of stuff before.

^_^ Thanks for listening to my rant!

Re: Just whining...

Dear Just Whining …

Thanks for your open and honest post.  Believe it or not, you are a member of a large club.  It seems like a contradiction to be “spiritual” and “stuck” at the same time.  In fact, I would suggest it's the newest way to be “in the closet.”  Have you ever been at a class or meeting with others who are “on the path” only to feel like you're the only person in the room who missed the “bliss train?”  I've been there, done that and have a whole closet full of tee-shirts to prove it.

Six years ago I had a spiritual transformation.  I had been in a crippling depression, and after months of journaling, meditation and facing my worst fears, it lifted.  Things seemed to happen effortlessly and magically after that for close to a year.  Whatever I put my mind to manifested itself.  I was at peace with myself and the world.  Then, something completely unexpected happened -  the depression returned.  It wasn't as hard to handle as before, because I was left with the understanding that everything happens for a reason (even if what is happening to you at the time seems like the furthest thing from making any sense at all).  What was harder to handle was the “stuckness” as you call it.  The grindingly, mundane, day-to-day stuckness.  A beige kinda life, when deep inside you crave colors.  There is a magical, addictive, almost manic quality to bliss. Cleaning the toilet and paying the bills can't complete with it. 

You can take my advice or leave it as you wish.  First of all, embrace and celebrate your inner whiner.  When you are spiritually aware, as you are, one becomes super sensitive to those whiny, overly-analytical voices in our heads.  They are showing us the way out of our stuckness.  They are showing us why we are stuck in the first place.  Taking risks is scary.  Changing jobs.  Going back to school.  Investing in a restaurant.  Deciding to have children.  These are all risky propositions.  Sometimes we lose money.  Relationships  - even with our beloved children -  go sour.  It hurts to fail.  Sometimes we get stuck because we fear failure.  Sometimes our stuckness comes from fearing pain and failure so much that we don't let ourselves dream of a life different than the one which is currently driving us crazy. (“better the rut you know” syndrome).

I've been “stuck” now for three years.  Recently, I have learned to see the gifts in this “stuckness.”  What it has given me is an appreciation for my small accomplishments - taking care of my kids and the house, etc.  It makes for ragingly boring conversation at a cocktail party though, but what-the-heh!  My stuckness has made me more humble.  I don't have all the answers. I don't think I ever will.  I thought I did when I had my “awakening.”  Now I see that everything thing you do which nurtures yourself, others and the planet in a quiet, positive way counts just as much as things which attract more attention. Compassion is an easy word to say, it's harder to put into action, especially when it comes to ourselves.

Best of luck with your intention to live a fulfilling life, and to become a parent some day.  The best gift you can give your future children is to be true to yourself and to your dreams.  Love starts with you and blossoms out to include others.  Loving your stuckness is a good place to start. (and true bliss isn't a feeling, it's simply seeing abundance in all things - even in cleaning toilets).

Eternal Love Always,
Otter (Catherine)

Re: Just whining...

Thank you otter, I appreciate the sentiment and advice.

I agree, its a good idea to take pleasure in minor achievements as baby steps, although people at cocktail parties certainly aren't as interested in it as I am either! ^_^ Although I would bet that most of them are no less stuck than us :)

After writing the post I decided to take a leap, so I quit my desk job and found a job waitressing. It pays less than what I make now, but I realized that if I can just make 5 dollars in tips an hour I would make up the difference between the 2 jobs and have extra leftover, and since I'm going to have more than 1 table an hour I'll actually be making more. Why didn't I just start waiting tables to begin with? :) So that is a consolation to get me started. I'm going to try to take small pleasures in the time being to help ready myself for the extra push I'm going to need to get started in school this fall and get back on track to doing something that I want to do…I'll just have to see where the first step takes me. ^_^