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Dear Just Whining …
Thanks for your open and honest post. Believe it or not, you are a member of a large club. It seems like a contradiction to be “spiritual” and “stuck” at the same time. In fact, I would suggest it's the newest way to be “in the closet.” Have you ever been at a class or meeting with others who are “on the path” only to feel like you're the only person in the room who missed the “bliss train?” I've been there, done that and have a whole closet full of tee-shirts to prove it.
Six years ago I had a spiritual transformation. I had been in a crippling depression, and after months of journaling, meditation and facing my worst fears, it lifted. Things seemed to happen effortlessly and magically after that for close to a year. Whatever I put my mind to manifested itself. I was at peace with myself and the world. Then, something completely unexpected happened - the depression returned. It wasn't as hard to handle as before, because I was left with the understanding that everything happens for a reason (even if what is happening to you at the time seems like the furthest thing from making any sense at all). What was harder to handle was the “stuckness” as you call it. The grindingly, mundane, day-to-day stuckness. A beige kinda life, when deep inside you crave colors. There is a magical, addictive, almost manic quality to bliss. Cleaning the toilet and paying the bills can't complete with it.
You can take my advice or leave it as you wish. First of all, embrace and celebrate your inner whiner. When you are spiritually aware, as you are, one becomes super sensitive to those whiny, overly-analytical voices in our heads. They are showing us the way out of our stuckness. They are showing us why we are stuck in the first place. Taking risks is scary. Changing jobs. Going back to school. Investing in a restaurant. Deciding to have children. These are all risky propositions. Sometimes we lose money. Relationships - even with our beloved children - go sour. It hurts to fail. Sometimes we get stuck because we fear failure. Sometimes our stuckness comes from fearing pain and failure so much that we don't let ourselves dream of a life different than the one which is currently driving us crazy. (“better the rut you know” syndrome).
I've been “stuck” now for three years. Recently, I have learned to see the gifts in this “stuckness.” What it has given me is an appreciation for my small accomplishments - taking care of my kids and the house, etc. It makes for ragingly boring conversation at a cocktail party though, but what-the-heh! My stuckness has made me more humble. I don't have all the answers. I don't think I ever will. I thought I did when I had my “awakening.” Now I see that everything thing you do which nurtures yourself, others and the planet in a quiet, positive way counts just as much as things which attract more attention. Compassion is an easy word to say, it's harder to put into action, especially when it comes to ourselves.
Best of luck with your intention to live a fulfilling life, and to become a parent some day. The best gift you can give your future children is to be true to yourself and to your dreams. Love starts with you and blossoms out to include others. Loving your stuckness is a good place to start. (and true bliss isn't a feeling, it's simply seeing abundance in all things - even in cleaning toilets).
Eternal Love Always,
Otter (Catherine)
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