Where Are You Now?

I am sitting in the library, Saturday, it is afternoon. I am sitting here with the intention of reaching out with my mind to you who reads this. In this way, we may meet and have a dialogue. My eyes are tight with some effort, but I breathe it into softness. Feels better to sit and breathe, than to effort.

Where are you now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

I am at work. It is the last day of the month and Keith and I are trying to get people to pay their bill. It is a gorgeous day outside, blue skies and low humidity. Just ate some lunch and need to read a text book on film to be able to teach a class soon.

Have spoken today to two zaadzsters on the telephone. Suggest all download free skype if you have a computer and one can call over over the world free if they are a member.

I could feel your energy Johan through your post. You sound more relaxed today, maybe you are enjoying the library, instead of internet cafes.

Blessing you all as you read this……
Aley

Re: Where Are You Now?

Not sure what time the computer will say this was posted  - it's 2:20AM by my watch and I'm approx 1/2 way through a shift at work.  Working at a large group home (212 beds) for adults dealing with Mental Health issues tonight.  Started the shift short staffed yet the team pulled together and we're making it through.  I'm feeling pretty great.  I enjoy my work and on the night shift a lot of time to think, talk, play, etc.

Blessings, David

Re: Where Are You Now?

Sunday 5pm. Glad that the heatwave broke, if momentarily. In the same library. Was up all night, and thinking now, “I might have really broken away from my wife at last.” And not knowing if that is all a good thing. I wouldnt know where or with whom I could stay.

Feeling moved to near tears (actually am controlling my tears) as I just read dear Mushin's comment on my blog entry …. here in some non-physical space, I have found a home with kindred like my own, finally…..after so many, many, many, many lonely and broken decades….

Feeling great love and wishing I could see you all….

Camelot has his cloth torn on the sides, and I dont have anyone here who can sew him. Scared to lose my Camelot…

Re: Where Are You Now?

7:22 AM. I am up very early this morning (for me) I arose at 5AM after hearing thunder rolling through the area. Rain cleansing all the lush grenery in the back yard. I have read Johans blog entry and all the replies. And I can see Dave working with his patients, his comraderie with his fellow workers. A team effort.

Sending light back to Johan. A breakthrough! Light at the end of the tunnel. Camelot is not lost, it is in need of repair! And you are repairing Camelot. He is coming apart at the seams! Much like the way you have felt in life. Get a needle and thread yourself and stitch him up! Are you worried over outside appearances? You can do the job. You have the ability! Remember…what you see is manifesting in the real world as thoughts from the internal. You have the poweer to change the outside Johan. And you do have many who love you in your castle POD. There is no seperation, only ONE.

I sit, and words flow through me. It is clear to me, you are making progress. Breaking down barriers and needing mending youself. You are on your way. The bridge to Camelot is being built.

Re: Where Are You Now?

It's 14.54 in Belgium, and I am sitting at home, exploring Zaadz!

Re: Where Are You Now?

8 am, a cool morning, sitting at home in the San Francisco Bay Area of California.  The window is open and I hear a cool breeze rustling the trees outside.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Sitting at our desktop computer in our home office.
Listening to the cd (Martina McBride, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Kenny Chesney, George Strait) I made for my friend's 55th b-day. on 7/7/7 :)
Zaadzing :)

Re: Where Are You Now?

Sitting at my computer in my rented room in Brisbane, Australia, trying to stay warm. It's 12:40pm on Monday 2 July. and cold!

Re: Where Are You Now?

I am in San Diego California around 8pm as the sun goes down and it begins to cool down. Im sitting  on my bed with my computer checking out zaadz trying to find some inspiration. Doing some journaling and mental preparation for a pilgrimage. Im wondering where life is leading me and where I am right now… I used to be so structured, but not I find some peace in not knowing and being open to possibilities.
 

Re: Where Are You Now?

Monday- 7.37pm. Ooze runs down my nose, and I had to take the day off from tarot street work. Thinking. Thinking that I probably want to take a few days off. Opportune time for a cold to come along.

Feeling the anxiety of not starting that Discussion Board about Setting Free the Bears Of Truth, knowing I have tons to say about it, feeling fear that what I have to say would seem to be confrontational, accusatory, and make me even more marginalized than I already am.

Thinking how good it is….to be here again. Sitting alone in a computer booth in the library (which is so clean and so well airconditioned, I want to live here!) How good it is to be alone and yet with everyone here. Wishing for this emergence of our collective intelligence and love, and somehow feeling that it is emerging.

marina says something that reminds me of all the above. About being unstructured. The roots of great music is improvisation. I paint best when I have no idea what I am painting.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Tuesday Brisbane 6:56 :am I'm about to begin my Falun Gong practice, I'm running late, usually done by now … . have a great whatever it is wherever you are… … …

Re: Where Are You Now?

Tues, July 3rd  @ 7:17 pm   I am sitting in my living room  trying to get caught up on hundreds of emails that i have been just too busy to answer..my daughter was in a terrible car accident ,…   Camelot dear one, I do hope your cold gets better very soon… Blessings to all, Littledove

Re: Where Are You Now?

Hi LittleDove,
                      Hope your daughter is O.K?
                                                                           Will

Re: Where Are You Now?

Hi Will,
Bless your heart, Thank you  … Yes she is fine now..  very sore  still but fine. her car is completely totaled . the other driver ran a red light and just plowed right into her. Thank God the baby was with me at the time…    she is happy she will be getting a new car out of it though…  LOL  thank you for your concern…    Love and Blessings To you  , LittleDove

Re: Where Are You Now?

I'm in my office at home, letting the week's work go and thinking about a project I've wanted to do for years. My partner's watching 50's science fiction movies in the back room - his favorite thing. The dogs are playing outside, but we'll have three sets of beady eyes roaming around inside.

All my best!

Tom

Re: Where Are You Now?

Wednesday 11:53 PM, the day ends on a quiet note. Pouring rain, fireworks blasting earlier for no apparant reason, people attach themselves to the oddest traditions.

The gently hum of the floor fan whirring…and I sit alone at the computer in peace and hope.

Re: Where Are You Now?

11:59 July 4th  I too am all alone  sitting in my living room  with my computer in my lap , listening to a quiet rain coming down outside and  praying for peace on earth…  I pray for the right words and the strength to do Gods will  and to spread the message of my ancestors, the message of peace and of love and truth.  I pray that I can continue with the healing work that i am doing . and I ask that his angels will continue to guide me .  Aho! I ask blessings on all those who are here tonight . and those who are away keep them safe and bring them home safe.  Aho Wado Howa aho  amen . Thank you all for listening… 

Re: Where Are You Now?

Fourth Day of not working due to really bad flu. This is the very first time in many years I have not worked four days straight. As Aley and others know, if I dont work one day, I dont get income that day. The good thing about this library is that is it a ten minute bus ride away from my flat. Head is still groggy, and I still managed to post about war in that other discussion board here. :)

Feels like everything is unravelling. Have been told that my camelot may not be saved, would be too alone. Last 2 days, been feeling so slowed down, even a lover if I had one, might only be good if she was kind and loving. Good luck finding a woman like that in Singapore….I m not qualified for love. Not depressed; heartbroken and broken. Big difference.

 I see the 'harvard negotiation insight initiative' ad in the lower right hand corner of this page…and I wonder if it would make any difference if it was the joe blow school negotiation insight blah blah….only 100% difference. Nobody would give a damned. Everything and everybody is qualified or disqualified. What kind of world have I been living in, and one that I dont belong in?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Oops! I meant to post here in this thread and accidently started a new one because I'm still learning how to post. Can you remove it from the NEW THREAD? Or will it hang out there forever??  Here is the post I meant to put here:

Been living here in “The Temple of my Adult Aloneness” for 6 months now (after a 30 year marriage ended). Finally liking it now a lot !  Am saying YES to everything I would have said NO to before. Our son (out of college) is taking off for L.A. to (hopefully) become a filmmaker or DP. My abode is in the Santa Cruz mountains off the Monterey Bay. Looking for roomates soon…

Re: Where Are You Now?

Good you found us all here, stephanie. Today the flu is subsiding at last, and my temporary blues too begins to dissipate. I hear mercury is in retrograde (ah, something to blame at last for my blahs!) You will not be alone in your temple much longer, Stephanie. :)

Re: Where Are You Now?

well, im sorta new at this and im not sure if this whole where are you now conversation is still on, but i thought its cool, so im gonna do it anyway…..

i am sitting in front of the computer simultianiously talking to myself about what im supposed to accomplish and writing this post. it is 3:39, friday, july 14th. i am thinking that i am utterly (ah thats such a great word) confuzzled about how i am supposed to go about this whole life thing. on the outside i say its all fine and dandy but inside my stomach is clenched in fear and my mind is screaming HELP! I HAVE NO FUCKLING IDEA WHAT IM DOING!

Re: Where Are You Now?

Welcome to the castle, meg :)

 * Camelot gives you a hug. * (whom incidentally is a cute lion, but you may think of him as a bunny if you really insist!)

It is OKAY to be confuzzled about your life. Heck, I m confuzzled about my life. I ve even got tons of residual anger due to a near universal level of social, interpersonal, family and I think everythingelsekinda buncha betrayals. But other than that, I m fine :)

I think it is also OKAY to have no fuckling(fuckling?!) idea what you are doing. The worst WORST WORST confuzzlingly confuzzled question to keep asking yourself would have to be:

“What am I to do now? What am I to do next?”

That one will really mess anyone up, but only totally. Not much, only totally.

Re: Where Are You Now?

well thank u for ur kind words, really. oh, and the hug from camelot! who i dont want to offend so im going to stand corrected and from now on think of him as a cute lion :)

and since u questionly implied, yes, fucking. i have a bit of a potty mouth, sorry :) i try to control it and even tho its much easier to control it on the net, sometimes i look at a sentence and it just needs that extra umph, sumtimes :)

Re: Where Are You Now?

….oooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, ok, i see what i did! i said fuckling instead of fucking….*embarrassed* that was a typo, hehe :) i meant fucking, but anywayz fuckling is an interesting word too eh? this could be universal!

Re: Where Are You Now?

Potty language isn't a problem to ME or to the Enlightened Little Lion :)
I dont know if it would offend anyone else here (at zaadz) or this pod, but I am OKAY with many linguistic expressions. Fire away!

Re: Where Are You Now?

thats sounds fuckling fantastic! :) hehe, i made a funny…..well ok so im easily amused :)

Re: Where Are You Now?

Question_ What is your spiritual practice like? What makes it difficult, and what makes it worthwhile?

Re: Where Are You Now?

well, now that i think about it, i really dont have a spiritual practice :( i believe in god…. most of the time if i want to be truthful here…i at least believe there is something bigger out there, becuase then why r we here? so if i were to say i had a practice it would be living my life one day at a time. the difficult part is the hate, the anger, the trust, the sadness and the worthwhile part is the love, the friendship, the happiness, the trust, and the adventure of never knowing what could happen next :)

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Just kidding, of course :-P

Re: Where Are You Now?

Ah, another retreating-from-the-world-into-cats person.

People must have really deeply madly hurt you -

Tonight I should be out there on the streets
smiling my smile that welcomes clients to ask me
about their love lives (“which of my three boyfriends should I marry/Should I go back to my husband or take up with the gym instructor?” - you know, life and death struggles…)

But burnt out I sit here at the liberry
about to close
too late in the day to set up
tarot
thinking again of the
innocent looking and acting girl
who holds a snake deepest in her sweet little venomous heart
ever ready to lie, blame, accuse and love again

*cue that sheryl crow song*

Re: Where Are You Now?

It is OKAY

Not to know what to do.

But do you feel OKAY that it is not in your control, after all?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

P.S. I still had 5 € left so the cats did get food, hopefully it lasts long enough though… :-P

Re: Where Are You Now?

There we go…. you got food for your feline friends! :)

Vivi wrote: Yep, disappointed a lot, and it ruined my health, so I have no stress level to speak of anymore. That's what's really not ok, not so much the mental strain of keeping it all together.

No stress level to speak of? Howso? In what ways do you mean?







Good question though, it doesn't feel good not to be able to control things because I can't stop trying to, and that is so freaking tiring on my nervous system. I wish I could change that by snapping a mental finger. I think when you're mentally strong you also strain your mind way more than you should.

Yes, I think that is why the “Harry Potter” phenomenon is so huge; persons wishing they had a magic wand like Harry's, to make it all right. You became mentally strong by mentally straining and applying too much willpower.








Eventually it has some unwished for physical effects. But that's not very “in” right now. It's in to control your mind into being a good and healthy person. I'm not sure people who say the “let go and let god” always do that in reality. Even meditation can turn into a control game with yourself, right? How do we step out of that? I've read plenty of literature on the subject but I'm as dumb as when I started! Are you?


I slept at 7 am this morning after “trying” to get to sleep since 4.30 am. Now, in this episode of “trying” to let go…. I finally did let go after several hours of struggling the same struggle within myself, and it was manifesting in the body for sure. I told myself, I ve been through this every single time I want to sleep. I dont solve anything by reliving what she did to me, or imagining what she is doing to others right now. I dont solve anything by projecting a future based on the past, also.

When did I finally convince myself to let go, really let go? And the body knows the difference, I m afraid. Well, this morning it was 7 am or so. Used to be …. ten am… 11 am, no sleep at all.. so does it work?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Zaadz wrecked my entire post. I m not going to re construct it, loses all spontaniety

Masturbation sometimes helps, to answer your qn, since most of it is psycho sexual, but not always.

Been alive way too long and still havent found my own life.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

My previous post sounds dumb, maybe you should delete it? I'm trying to sound as if I know about things i don't maybe even want to talk about in public. I shouldn't write anything late at night. Duh..?

Re: Where Are You Now?

No, it is fine.

Would like it all the hang out, sure -

The shadow elements are peeking out….

Some parts of everyone of us are just like that, and wish to be more like that.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Maybe, maybe not… I feel that I sometime put myself out there too much, so that predators can come and hack into my vulnerabilities. I want to be open but I need to learn where the line is. I simply have a bad time knowing when I'm being too personal. Don't you ever?

Re: Where Are You Now?

I feel that I sometime put myself out there too much, so that predators can come and hack into my vulnerabilities


In which context are you putting yourself out there too much? Online only, selected persons online only, selected venues in the flesh-world, every venue you find yourself in the flesh-world, with pre-selected males only or with every male?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Notice how this “be here now” thread has “evolved” into
discussions about

future/past events and actualities and how they affect our nows,
and usually have I personally found the notion of the power of now
to be constricting if you were to force yourself to only be-here-now

Nowness is only free-ing when
unbidded
you abide
here now

The difference between a forced I need to be here now dammit,
and a wow, I m just here and it is mmmmmm nice

Big diff.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Notice how this “be here now” thread has “evolved” into
discussions about

future/past events and actualities and how they affect our nows,
and usually have I personally found the notion of the power of now
to be constricting if you were to force yourself to only be-here-now

Nowness is only free-ing when
unbidded
you abide
here now

The difference between a forced I need to be here now dammit,
and a wow, I m just here and it is mmmmmm nice

Big diff.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Now and the future are the best places to be.

The future is made up of your imagination and what you want to put there.

Be in PRESENT TIME!!!  It's much easier to solve the past you feel you must deal with as it can only be dealt with now anyway.
KES~

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

 I need to learn to go with the pace of the material world. Don't you also find that diffcult?!

Very much so :)
I have suffered a kind of emotional breakdown not very long ago - a few days, starting a week or so ago, hit the worst point about 3 or 4 days ago…much to the ignorance of zaadzsters who know me (for the most part). I found advice in such times to be less than helpful, as I dont really know the person who is doing the advising at all…and as such have been either led around aimlessly or pointedly held at fault for occasions and situations not of my doing. The last correspondent called me “hateful and resentful” and although I do admit to being extremely angry, I did not lower myself down to abusive communication at all.

I read your last entry here with the greatest of wonderment. How do you manage to do it? Going on is such a challenge. But what else have we got to do that would be better? Now that you explained further I really can relate to what you have been through, it isnt only in the area of sexual/romantic relating, it is everyone.

Our field of other peopleness tend to get affected by (here it comes, new age thinking…)

the views we hold of them. I often let my anger colour my perceptions, and I am becoming aware of that, and with a sense of humour and not judging myself or others too harshly, to let that one go….I hold the belief that people arent sincere, or are using their intelligence to hold some kind of power over another - or to ostracize me for not fitting in, and/or being “good enough” for their social-approval requirements. Now, I can see that holding on to such a view would affect my speech tone, my body language, etc sugnificantly so as to colour others' perception of me.

But then I do see that the work I do both takes me to alot of social interaction with people, while maintaining a safe distance. Perhaps what I intuit about the Tarot card, the Hermit, as representative of my work in this world, appears to me to be apt.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Mindful awareness has no direct link to whether we are thinking of the past or the future or whatever. It's embracing anything that happens right now, just the way it is. We have to live with time, we can't avoid it, but we can sense the timeless realm by being aware here and now.

Great insight, vivi mari, that echoes KES' good post as well.

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

Re: Where Are You Now?

I m not sure how to write right now. I have appeared to have been duped again - but only totally. NOt by you, an incident I rather forget.

I wonder if anyone knows what it feels like to be male and unwanted, relatively poor and left alone, unhelped, ignored, and for the most part, held in contempt?

Re: Where Are You Now?

I'm sorry to hear that. I can only say that my experiences as female are somewhat along those lines, though contempt is maybe too strong a word in my case, it's more like “looked down upon as irresponsible and unadjusted to society”, as a minor. So what happened to you?

Re: Where Are You Now?

I will reveal the whole tale in a blog entry later on, if I m still at zaadz.

Re: Where Are You Now?

I'm sorry to hear that you had something nasty happen to you. If it's got to do with this site, I can assure you that you're not the only one who got in trouble. All the same there are people who are sincere and I would say it's still worth hanging in there and stay connected to “what is going on in the world” so as to speak.  I hope you won't back off! :-) wishing you stamina and courage!