Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Should I TELL someone whose friendship invitation I don't accept; or should I not?

[subtitle added “Declining friends' invites”- meenakshi 17 sept 08]

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

What?! Can you DO that? Oh, do you mean a personal invitation? I always tell them why I'm not accepting them. I very seldom accept a friendship from someone who has more then enough friends, I steer clear of people who seem to feel that they are acting thru a divine being as an interpreter, and if someone never responds to emails or never blogs something about what they're up to then I delete them from my friend list.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

That is up to you Meenakshi! ;  O))

I'm not sure about this one. I used to invite a bunch of people just because they seemed interesting or if we had something in common, or accept whatever invitations came my way. That was a way to fill out a friends list, but it left me with little connection with people, and following up on those things has come to seem more important to me now than just harvesting cool people off the site, which any nice, outgoing person can do.

I don't believe I ever had a friend request that I didn't want or had to deny. Even certain people I don't really talk to much, because they're going in a totally different direction I have accepted or kept on as friends. Of course, I would cut someone if they were offensive in some way.

I like that Amber said she always gives a reason for why not to accept someone. I would feel very respected and acknowledged by a polite, reasoned rejection, much more than a “no-response” rejection, which is all to common, though I have only had a few.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

I got to thinking about this, Meenakshi, after Andrew's comments, and I believe that you are in that enviable, or unenviable position of being like Siona… You've gotta accept everyone! LOL

The only one's you're allowed to reject, and of course tell them why, are the ones from universities, groups that you're not inclined to join, or the guru wanting to bring you into his/her flock! You can only delete a friend off your list if they are offensive in some way! Since you cannot tell if they've washed their feet in several weeks, thanks to technology not going there yet, you're stuck with waiting for them to say a bad word! LOL

Other then that, someone might be outside your box looking in and wondering if they could play and you get that sad feeling that I got when thinking of it like that! It's not possible to say no cuz we love them! Yep! That's your lot in life! To be loved! Oh it's a good place to be!

Smiles!
amber

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm certainly in a good place…not in Siona's unique position, though! I have to tell you that in all these months, I have now told a couple of people why I am not right away accepting their invitations [ not enough on their profile]–provided a link to this group, so that they can see what to do if they're new; and received very polite response from them. Usually, after that, I've accepted.

Hey–did I tell you about the person who sent me such a rude response to my friends request months ago? I thought he was someone I'd invited to Gaia, and when I wrote, he says–I don't need anyone [I guess he meant a mother-figure] inviting me to be a friend; I can find my own, thank you very much!!!

I guess that made me realize how bad a person can feel if I tell them I am not accepting their offer of friendship–even though I would not use quite those words! I have learned to be clearer [energy-wise], more courageous and open thanks to reading all the remarks on this thread, though.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

Oh, that means that he is in denial that he really DOES need a mother figure! To teach him better manners if anything! LOL Why else would he have that reaction?

You would be so kind and give your invitor so many resources to go to there would never be hard feelings! I've been asked for friendship from a couple of people who had sideways smilies for icons and I've accepted them with the request that they add a stuffed bear, waterfall, mushroom, at least SOMETHING so that I can tell the difference between the sideways smilies on my friends list! LOL I usually get that request fill quickly and then I an find my new friend more easily!

It is always good to be put into the place of the person doing the requesting and also to be in the place of the person requested to add a new friend. I'm glad that I've had all positive experiences with the should I or shouldn't I dilemma of friending! Even the ones that were a little odd were great learning experiences and have taught me not to be hasty when I ponder adding to my wonderful friends!

Smiles!
amber

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

I always consider it a pleasure when someone asks me to be their friend!
I like to think they feel the same -because we do usually choose them because
they sound like-minded - or they have written something we enjoy and agree with.

I think it is the pod invites that are more likely to result in rejections?
Although I haven't had many -I must admit I was hurt, at first and had to learn
to accept that!

If I have to turn down a pod invitation ( which is very rare) -I still reply and
let them know my reasons -which are either I don't have the technology -
or the pod is too similar to my own!

Some pods I have left -but that is only because of inactivity -the orginal
member has not made contact, or posted for some time.
I like to be a member of a pod where there are more people and therefore
more constant discusion.

I love having my friends here and they are all important to me -
though of course the one's that participate in Gaia are the one's
I feel closet too -because we have more contact.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

I have never felt inclined to turn down a friends invitation yet, but I really respect what Amber said about giving a reason why if you feel compelled to reject the invitation.  I have removed a friend, which wasn't easy for me, but after considering the situation surrounding the removal, it seemed like the best thing.

If I notice that someone has soooo many friends that they really aren't in need of more, I kind of shy away from asking. If we communicate and they never mention it, that's another hint to me that they aren't that interested in tracking my every move on Gaia.

I have joined pods that I now find I really don't have much interest in, mostly because they lack organization - it's not obious what you're supposed to do when you get there - or because they are just so inactive that there is nothing at all going on. There are other pods that I'd like to be more active in when I can find the time. I agree with Sandy. I think I will be more careful about accepting group invitations in the future. Of course, it never hurts to try something for a while before making  decision.

Andrea

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

I have been on Gaia since Zaadz and have been an Ambassador and moderated pods.  After reading this I looked over the friends I had on the list and cleaned house.  Thanks for posting this.  Everyone left on my page is there for a reason now.  I want to thank you for posting this.  It is good to clean house, spread some seeds, comment on blogs and observe what is going on with my page.  As an Ambassador I ended up helping a lot of new starters. 
There are only about 20 that I keep in touch with routinely, but I do answer all of my e-mails.  When we were learning conscious capitalism I did get my dvd into Whole Foods and got some friends more as a business line.  

When I worked Gaia's Eco convention, people signed up with me for that as well. So some have large #'s like me but they are all there for some reason.  If someone is rude to me OR my friends I just delete/block with no explanation as there are so many awesome people here.  I have only had to turn down two and block them, but do write a polite letter.  Follow your integrity and if someone is suppressive to you why stick around for the abuse and pity party?  There are more than 90% good ones.  
I love this pod and am grateful for the friends I have made from here.  It was the first time I felt totally connected and was always wanting to have that…thanks!!!

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

~KES: “I love this pod and am grateful for the friends I have made from here.  It was the first time I felt totally connected and was always wanting to have that…thanks!!!”

Yay, Kathy, we love you too. It is a blessing to have you here. I hope none of those you de-friended are hurt.

To tell you the truth though, I don't look THROUGH my Friend's list; so if someone de-friends me, I wouldn't know! I'd just wonder maybe why I wasn't seeing their blogs on my Blog-Friends list..

Hmmm…perhaps we should look through them monthly, just to say a silent hi to those we haven't been in touch with…

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

Andrea :”If I notice that someone has soooo many friends that they really aren't in need of more, I kind of shy away from asking. If we communicate and they never mention it, that's another hint to me that they aren't that interested in tracking my every move on Gaia.”

Andrea, you can't really know whether or not the person feels they have “sooo” many friends. And also, if they do, they may think you are already their friend, or that you don't want to be a friend…I've had those feelings too.

So now I'm trying to just be of-the-moment about it. When I see someone I like, I ask them to be a friend. If someone asks me, and I feel it is right, I may even go against my earlier rules of ensuring they have something on their profile; if I like something, I just say yes.

At this point, I feel that just saying –hi, I feel like being your friend; is reason enough for everyone concerned to feel comfortable with each other. We may not ever comment on each other's blogs or message or shout out; but even accepting or extending that hand of friendship at  first, was a connection worth making.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

Actually I feel that way too, Meenakshi. Partly it's because I believe we are all connected in ways that are not obvious, so if someone reaches out to me, unless I REALLY disresonate with them, I accept invitations, and I know that even if we never make obvious contact again, there is an energy flow/exchange going on all the time which is beneficial to both. This is my perspective, anyway. Of course, such a flow doesn't depend on the formal status of Friend, to be sure, but I think it helps somehow.

Plus, ya never know when someone is going to get an inner “hit” that I might be of assistance to them, and if I am there on their Friends list, I am easier for them to find again. Or vice-versa, if I get an urge to contact someone, even if I don't know what the urge is based on, they're easier to find.

So I don't “prune” because I am believing there are “criteria” which I am not consciously aware of, but my Larger Consciousness is….

But I think we should all do what we feel to do. There is no right or wrong in this, just preferences.

Blessings, OM Bastet

Re: Should I or shouldn't I?

To clarify: If I got an urge to delete a Friend, I would. I guess what I am saying is I always go by hunches or intuition. I have few if any conscious rules or policies, and I try not to have habits, haha !!

Blessings, OM Bastet

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Thanks yank fan, for giving us this feedback. As I wrote you in my message, I feel sure you'll be giving us tips about different ways of networking; soon!

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Many times that has been my experience, too, C.G. In the middle of a great relationship, one or the other will discover we aren't formal Friends yet ! It's generally amusing.

The advantage in the structure of the community is ease of accessing someone who is in the Friends list, but I bet all of us have some wonderful friends we have not yet formalized things with !!

Blessings, OM

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Another puzzler.  When I joined Gaia a few months back, I did not know anyone and then suddenly, one day I opened up my inbox and there were several friend requests.  With my experience on my space, I learned to read profiles and thouroughly question myself if it would be a good idea, some were good choices, the others not so good. I have accepted friends invitations only to find that all they post are links to creating businesses and establishing a network for their own businesses, much like a “cult following”.  I immediately delete them.  I get enough spam mail that I don't need more on my own site.  Everyone that I have as a friend is truly wonderful.  I honestly try to keep up with everyone's blog, though as of late, I haven't been able too, due to work committments, however, I do read everything and I listen very well (if you can do that through a computer).  Amber has a wonderful and honest way of not accepting one so as not too hurt anyone's feelings, yet there are those that cannot take rejection so easily and one must wonder that if they can't rejection how will they respond to pods questions or comments that others have made to a comment that they have made?
All in all, I am so thankful to Gaia and what it has done for me and I have to apologize for not posting as frequently as I should.  I will make a better effort at that.  Andrew, my village idiot, you and I will one day meet, and hopefully it will be in Australia, another one of my long term goals before I leave this vast land.
Love to all of my gaia friends.  Oh BTW, only 48 more days until I hit the big 50.  Exciting isn't it.  Another beginning.  I love it.
Hugs to all.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

I would say comment boards and blog comments or any place where you can leave some sort of interactions would be a good judge to befriend further or not to befriend.  Sometimes, it might just be ppl stumble upon your blogs or pictures and liked it and not left a message and liked what you have to say, but would like to befriend you.,  I am a bit exhausted and therefore i hope I am clear and if you don't understand, plz let me know, thanks.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

rugged_gurl1, this is what I think you meant: that if we aren't sure whether or not to befriend someone, then we should look at blogs and group comments that they've written.

It is a good idea; and I do that sometimes.

Sometimes, I don't see a blog that the person has written; so I can't know if  they have written a blog and set it to “Friends Only”.

Sometimes I don't see their activity as they haven't activated their widget; so I can't know where they've traveled or left their words, on Gaia.

But if I can; then you're right; it helps a lot.


I'd add that we should also look at Quotes, Photos and Bookshelf; as we never know where a person has been active!

Thanks for chiming in even when you were tired. I hope you feel refreshed now!

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Hi everyone! I have had the same type of experiences as others with friends invites… a few. Thing is John had welcomed me, introduced himself and placed me on his profile for his friends to meets, so many of the folks who became friends where his list…
Many times I follow other friends to their friends blogs, if I find the blog or profile interesting, I send them a message…
I do not blog much so I do not get many invites these days…
I have had few out of no where and ask about them we nothing followed they where deleted or never accepted…
 
I am Love, Jeff

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

I think, as many have said already, that it depends on what your purpose is. If you want to make connections all around the world, I think it's good to accept many invitation. But if you use this to keep in touch with love ones that are fare away, maybe you want to reject the invitations. Their is no harm in rejecting an invitation. This is your space and your blog spot and you should feel free do accept only who you would like to accept. Those that ask to be your friend know, or at least they should know, that you can make whatever decision you want, and they should accept you decision.

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Hello all,

I have rarely posted and haven't written in a while, and have decided to now, since I think this is a pertinent question, and one which I can speak to.

I look for friends of many different sorts, and have become increasingly discriminating over time. My experience on Facebook, where I've spent a lot of time since I joined it seven months ago, has shown me that a wide of variety of connections is possible, and I try to cultivate each in its proper way.

Regarding the main topic of who's invites to accept and who's to reject… I have to agree with most people's opinions so far. Unless you are local, or obviously have some affiliation with me, be it a common friend, interest or liking for something, you had better have a reason for wanting to be my friend, which can be gotten through many possible avenues.

Starting a conversation about a topic that might interest me, admiring or appreciating something I have posted, or inviting me to participate in a group you think I would like, or relating to something I blogged about are all good ways.

I wanted to answer this question more in the positive, than the negative, since I think those occurances are simpler and less interesting. If someone friend requests me out of the blue, without any of the above reasons, I am not likely to accept. I often carry on conversations by email or chat with people who are not my friends, but who have friend requested me. I give people willing to spend time to establish a connection, even a virtual one, a chance, although the impetus is definitely on them in those cases.

As for my own friend recruiting… I have never met any of my Gaia friends in person, although I would like to when I can.  Some I found interesting and wanted to talk with, others I like and want to get to know more better. Sadly, very few of such people have been interested and available for that…. as of yet.  I also look for people my age, local folks, people I can have actual, face-face friendships with, since we all usually find those more interesting and rewarding. I do at least.

As for what advice to give, either establish some clear, fair, honest, and kind criteria, or if you're more of a feeler, just follow your intuition. Please correct me if you think I'm off.

Andrew

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

I bet you will have good luck with re-sends, Ralph. I have re-sent over half a dozen, and always the person was glad I did, and couldn’t remember receiving the first one.


I still have some I haven’t gotten around to resending, but fortunately we have a list, in our Messages section, under Invite Friends, then under Invited. Most people don’t explore that far !


Blessings, OM Bastet

Re: Should I or shouldn't I? Declining friends' invites

Re-sends are a great - otherwise I wouldn’t have had  1Vector3 as friend.
When I see an interesting post/reply whatever, I often add the author. That way I can follow their posts from my own page.
I think I’ll add you guys from this thread! :-)